5x7 J.D. eats body butter

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Way Home".

Scene 1

Open: Elliot's apartment - bathroom. Camera pans around to show the various items in the room. Music plays over iPod speakers.

J.D.'s Narration: Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles, pink robes, bath salts. It. Was. Awesome.

(Camera pans to J.D. relaxing in a bathtub full of bubbles. His hair is wrapped in a pink towel.)

J.D.'s Narration: My first day off in weeks. Only one thing could make it better: Cranking up the Toto.

(J.D. turns up the volume with a remote control and sings along. He picks up a tub of body butter.)

J.D.: Mango body butter?

(J.D. removes the lid and sniffs the contents, then tastes it as his pager goes off. Cut to hospital parking lot. J.D. is riding his scooter.)

J.D.'s Narration: Even though it sucks being paged to the hospital by an intern, there's nothing I like more than riding my scooter, Sasha, through puddles after a rain.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Here comes a big 'un!

(J.D. drives into a large, deep puddle and completely disappears. He resurfaces, gasping for breath in another puddle.

J.D.: Where was I?

(Cut to hallway. J.D. is still soaking wet.)

J.D.: You're not aware of any sort of odd, underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.

Janitor: Was his name Julian?

J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.

Janitor: That's Julian. Watch it, wet paint. Kelso's starting a new line system to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smoker's lounge, blue to the ICU, and yellow to all the exits.

J.D.: What's red for?

Janitor: Sneaker painting.

(Janitor spray paints J.D.'s white sneakers red. Cut to ICU. Keith is at a patient's bedside.)

J.D.: OK, I'm here. What's the emergency Keith?

Keith: Uh, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight Heparin?

J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?

(Dr. Cox enters, grinning.)

Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking, Dorothy. Why would I have one of your interns call you in on one of your precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be: Why, when you were an intern, did you call me in time after time after time after time? So now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.

(Dr. Cox pulls back a privacy curtain to reveal Laverne and her choir assembled in yellow robes. They sing as Dr. Cox and Keith dance to the music.)

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!

Laverne: [singing] Mmhmm!

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!

Laverne: [singing] Oh yeah!

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!

Laverne: [singing] Mmhmm!

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch! Ohhh, Ooohh!

Laverne: [singing] It's just the beginning!

Choir: [singing] Ooohh!

Laverne: [singing] But it's payback! Ohh, It's payback! Ohhh,

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!

Laverne: [singing] Payback!

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!

Laverne: [singing] Payback!

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!

Laverne: [singing] Oh, Lord!

Choir: [singing] Payback is a bitch!


Scene 2

Open: Admissions Area. J.D. is attempting to sneak out.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I gotta get back home before anyone asks me to do stuff. Fat guy! Go! Go! Go! Move out! Move out!

(J.D. Notices a fat man about to leave and tries to hide behind him.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Thank you, fast food industry.

(J.D. exits, but enters again, with Dr. Kelso.)

Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedule for next month.

J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.

Dr. Kelso: Ahh, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising shortstops to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all "Pepe" was just racist enough to get me a lifelong ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.

(Dr. Kelso thrusts a binder into J.D.'s arms and exits. Cut to Nurses' Station. Turk and Carla are watching a couple with an infant. J.D. is working at the computer.)

Carla: That's gonna be us someday.

Turk: How does that not make you nervous? I mean what if our kid is out of control? Like, I was watching Webster last night, right? And Webster got all into the pancake mix. And baby, I mean all into the pancake mix.

Carla: Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom.

(Turk and J.D. gasp and turn to look at Carla, scandalized.)

Carla: I mean, that's a sitcom.

Turk: What if the second our baby's born I start screwing things up?

(J.D.'s fantasy. Turk is in the hospital nursery.)

Turk: [cooing] Oh, my God, hey, little doll! Oh, God, I can't believe it!

(He picks up his baby and knocks the bassinet over, which begins knocking the rest of the bassinets over in a domino effect. End fantasy. J.D. shrugs and returns to his work. Jordan enters.)

Jordan: OK, either the heat in my office is broken, or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giuliani again.

Turk: Ha ha! He's not even sexy! Right, baby?

(Carla bites her finger and drifts off.)

Carla: Ahh, Rudy, don't stop...

Turk: Baby!

Carla: Huh?

Jordan: Relax! She's only fantasizing because you don't satisfy her. Any-who, can someone take Jack for a minute?

Carla: No problem!

(Carla takes Jack from Jordan.)

Jordan: Thank you.

Carla: See, Turk? I'm great with kids. And I promise you don't even have to check in as a parent until you have to teach our son about sports.

Turk: And satisfying women. 'Cause I know how to satisfy a woman, right baby?

Carla: I'm sure you can.

Turk: That's what I'm talking about.

(J.D. taps a key on the keyboard with a flourish.)

J.D.: Done, and I am outta here.

(J.D.'s pager goes off.)

J.D.: Dammit!

(Cut to ICU. Keith is standing a patient's bedside, looking stunned.)

J.D.: Keith, you've got to stop paging me for totally unimportant things!

(J.D. looks at the patient.)

J.D.: Ohhh! That man's chest cavity is completely open. I can see his heart beating.

Keith: He sneezed and all his surgical staples popped out!

J.D.: Good page, good page!

(J.D. and Keith go to work on the patient as Elliot enters, leading her interns.)

Elliot: OK, rock-tors. That's my name for doctors who rock. Next patient.

J.D.'s Narration: Ever since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.

Intern #1: Doctor Reid, why would Mr. Brown develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously?

Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, eh-heh, in my expert opinion both can be expertly explained by a pituitary adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: Hate to burst your bubble there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted, but trust me. That hardly makes you an expert.

Elliot: Oh, really? Well you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?

(She holds up her hand for a high-five. J.D. comes over and obliges.)

J.D.: Here's some!

Dr. Cox: You're going to high-five that? Bi-hig mistake.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving, I gotta stop doing that.

Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?

J.D.: No.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I shmeared it on a bagel.

(Cut to Dr. Kelso's office. Turk enters.)

Turk: Dr. Kelso! 'Sup? Look, I just heard that we're doing our first ever in-house heart transplant. Now, I know, you'll be objective in choosing which surgical resident gets to assist. But, I also thought you might enjoy this commemorative Dr. Kelso bobblehead. Huh?

(Turk shows him the bobblehead doll and places it on his desk.)

Dr. Kelso: Oh, bobbleheads. You always think you're going to get bored with it, but you never do.

(Dr. Kelso begins flicking the doll's head.)

Dr. Kelso: Bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly, bobbly...

Turk: Sir?

Dr. Kelso: Eh..oh..Turkleton, you're still here? Did you honestly think you'd be the only surgeon to walk in here trying to bribe me?

(Dr. Kelso points behind Turk. Turk turns around and sees a dozen or so surgeons waving to him, each bearing a gift, including jewelry, wine, gift baskets, and concert tickets, and finally Todd with a blow-up doll.)

Todd: Inflatable five!

(Todd high fives the doll.)

Dr. Kelso: None of you will be assisting on anything because we still don't have a donor heart. Last night, Mr. Bolger here was declared brain dead. We have to convince his family to pull the plug and give us his heart. Whichever one of you Beni-Hana rejects pulls this off gets the operation.

(The surgical residents stare at Dr. Kelso.)

Dr. Kelso: Go!

(The residents rush out of the office. Cut to ICU. J.D. is still working on the patient from before. Ted enters.)

Ted: My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now.

(J.D. shows Ted his hands, soaked in blood.)

J.D.: Ted, I'm a little busy, OK? Toodles.

(Ted exits as Elliot enters with one of her interns.)

Intern #2: Dr. Reid, what are the possible cardiac complications to thyrotoxicosis?

Elliot: Ah. Mmm. Hold on, I just have to blow my nose.

(Elliot goes over to a shelf and looks under a box of tissues, where she has taped cutouts of text on endocrinology.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though I was happy for Elliot, the endocrinology expert, I still couldn't figure out how she knew so damn much.

(The blinds open on the window which Elliot is facing to reveal the Worthless Peons singing.)

Worthless Peons: [singing] Just a still town girl on a Saturday night / Looking for the fight of her life...

Elliot: Uh, to answer your question, thyrotoxicosis can manifest with incessant tachycardia leading to cardiomyopathy.

Worthless Peons: [singing] ...Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart, changing woman into life...

(The Worthless Peons singing "Maniac" by Michael Sembello continues in the background as a montage of Elliot answering questions begins.)

(A hallway. Elliot rushes into a supply closet, shoves aside some bottles on a shelf and quickly reads from a medical dictionary hidden behind the bottles.)

(Cut to ICU. Elliot closes the blinds in a window which reveals pieces of illustrations taped to each slat which form a complete picture when the blinds are closed.)

(Cut to Nurses' Station. Elliot reads pages of text in the bottom of a bedpan.)

(Cut to ICU. Singing fades out. Dr. Cox is lecturing some interns.)

Dr. Cox: Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gallstones.

(Elliot enters and bangs the bedpan like a gong.)

Elliot: Wrong-o, Perry. Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to to Type 1 familial hyper-lipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on the Achilles tendon.

Interns: Ooohh!

Dr. Cox: Interns, flee, now!

(Interns exit.)

Dr. Cox: Now there is just no way you could have known that off the top of that straw-colored scarecrow head of yours.

Elliot: Uh, hold on. I need to take a quick mental picture of your total humiliation.

(Elliot mimes taking a picture.)

Elliot: Kk-kk. Got it.

Dr. Cox: There are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out. Like, why men wear cell phones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket, mere millimeters away. Or why, and I'm not complaining, women wear tube tops, even though every ten seconds it makes them do this.

(Dr. Cox imitates a woman adjusting a tube top)

Dr. Cox: "Get back in there!" But, of all my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out and soon is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.

(Dr. Cox exits. Cut to Nurses' Station. Carla enters, carrying Jack and a stack of folders.)

Carla: Excuse me, can anyone else watch this kid for a second?

(The Nurses' Station appears deserted and Carla exits. Turk, Laverne and several other staffers emerge from under the desk.)

Turk: She'll be all right. I wonder what's taking Jordan so long.

(Cut to Jordan's office.)

Jordan: Oh, my God, it's like a hundred and thirty degrees in here.

(She tries to adjust the thermostat but rips it off the wall instead.)

Jordan: I have got to get out of here!

(She goes to open the door but the doorknob comes off in her hand. She turns around and notices that her lips have swollen enormously.)

Jordan: Mmm. I think the silicone in my lips is expanding. Ohh.

(Cut to Nurses' Station)

Turk: I mean, I've got to talk to the Bolger family about getting their son's heart but I can't find them anywhere.

Laverne: Oh, they're in the doctor's lounge.

Turk: Oh, my God, Laverne, I love you. Listen if any other surgeon asks about them, you send them someplace else. The cafeteria, the zoo, I don't care. I'm going to get my heart!

(Cut to lounge.)

Mr. Bolger: We're just not sure, Dr. Turk.

J.D.'s Narration: When a career opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses.

Turk: You know, I've donated an organ.

J.D.'s Narration: They can lie.

Turk: See, my buddy, he was sick, and so I gave him one of my kidneys.

Mr. Bolger: But my son only has one heart.

Turk: But, uh, a short time after that I donated my other kidney.

Mr. Bolger: We're going to check on our son.

(Cut to hallway. J.D. is walking towards the exit.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, the coast is clear. Just a few more steps and you're out of here.

Carla: J.D.! I need to talk to someone. Here. Take him.

Janitor: What?

Carla: Yep.

(Carla pushes Jack into Janitor's arms, grabs J.D. and drags him away, leaving Janitor alone with Jack.)

Carla: Come on.

Janitor: Hey, wait. No!

(Cut to cafeteria. Elliot is eating lunch.)

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight and our psychologist, Dr. Burke, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.

Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public?

Dr. Kelso: No, his depression finally got the best of him and he hung himself.

(Elliot looks shocked.)

Dr. Kelso: Any-who, we need a substitute speaker and Dr. Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q-and-A on endocrinology. Be in the classroom at six.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

Dr. Cox: And Barbie, say, if it's cold in there you can just borrow my lab coat. It's super warm because I lined it with these. Ta-da!

(Dr. Cox stands and opens his coat, revealing all of the textbook pages Elliot had hidden around the hospital. Cut to hallway.)

Carla: J.D., I have to admit this to somebody. I don't like kids!

J.D.: What are you talking about? You're the most maternal person I know.

Carla: I'm a nurse, J.D., I'm trained to fake it. I just don't understand whats so adorable in "Yay, you made a poopie in the potty!" I'm supposed to be impressed? There's a monkey at the zoo who can do that. I mean, you know, when he's not playing with himself.

J.D.: Well, if you don't want a baby, Carla, don't have a baby.

Carla: But J.D., I want to have a child with Turk more than anything in the world. I know, it's crazy, but I'm a girl and that's how we roll. What are we gonna do? I'm supposed to be the brave one.

(Turk enters.)

Turk: Dude, you gotta help me out.

J.D.'s Narration: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where people's hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary.

(Elliot enters. The Worthless Peons begin humming "We're Off to See the Wizard" from the Wizard of Oz.)

J.D.: Whether they're looking for brains, a heart, or courage. As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line and hope I'd eventually get back home.

(The yellow line transforms into a yellow brick road as Carla, J.D., Turk and Elliot exit.)

Scene 3

Open: ICU.

Laverne: So how was the zoo?

Todd: It was awesome. They had lions and tigers and bears...

(Todd notices a cheerleader)

Todd: ...Oh my. Hey there.

Turk: Dude, it was awful. I couldn't stop lying to them. I only have two moves. If surgery goes well, the fake-modest nod and wink. Now, if surgery goes bad and the guy dies, there's always the head-shake-sad-walkaway.

J.D.: Turk, Toto and I are going home.

Turk: Fine!

(Turk does the head-shake-sad-walkaway as soft piano music plays, then falters as J.D. interrupts.)

J.D.: OK, I'll help.

Turk: Thank you! Now how do I tell those people to let their so go?

J.D.: Just try to imagine what they're going through. I mean sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.

Turk: Because you think I'm going first because of my diabetes.

J.D.: Right, and where do we meet up in heaven?

Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud.

J.D.: I'll see you there, player! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with you, you know where they'd end up?

Turk: In hell, watching The View.

J.D.: Next to the super-high, unreachable cupcake table.

(Cut to elevator. Doug pushes a gurney with a body bag in.)

J.D.'s Narration: After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route: hiding in a body bag.

(The elevator door closes.)

J.D.: Can you press "lobby," please?


(Doug grabs the fire extinguisher and starts beating the body bag with it.)

J.D.: OWW!! OWW!! OWW!!! DOUG! Why are you hitting me?!?

Doug: Because I thought you were a dead guy coming back to life!

J.D.: [pause] Then why were you hitting me?!

(The elevator door opens and Elliot enters.)

Elliot: There, you are. Come on.

(Elliot pulls the gurney out of the elevator.)

J.D.: No, no! Elliot, I'm not even supposed to be here, I'm going home!

(Cut to another hallway.)

Dr. Cox: So, if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy, borderline psychotic who hates everyone?

Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?

Dr. Cox: I have freckles.

Janitor: [muffled by the screwdriver he is holding in his mouth.] Oil can. Oil can!

(Carla hands hi an oil can.)

Janitor: [muffled] Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Hey, you. Where's my son?

Janitor: Oh, he's playing with the birds out on the ledge.

Carla: What?!

Janitor: I'm kidding, come on. He's green!

(Janitor pushes a cart aside to reveal Jack, covered head to toe in green paint.)

Dr. Cox: Aww, come on.

(Dr. Cox picks up Jack and exits.)

Janitor: Yeah, the little nipper got hold of a paint gun when I was painting this green line down to the smoker's lounge. Thanks to him, I only got halfway down.

(Janitor indicates the line, which stops in the middle of the hall, where a group of staffers, including Dr. Kelso, are now smoking.)

Dr. Kelso: You look familiar. You ever play ball in Pennsylvania? Pepe?

(Cut to Mr. Bolger's son's room. Mr Bolger sits with his son as Turk enters.)

Turk: Mr. Bolger, look, before you throw me out of here, I just want to apologize about earlier. Um, I don't know what I was thinking, but rest assured, from here on out whatever you ask me, I will be completely honest with you.

Mr. Bolger: Do you shave your head because you like the way it looks or because you're going bald?

Turk: Bald.

Mr. Bolger: OK, next question.

Turk: With all those topical treatments, let's just say I wasn't completely functional.

Mr. Bolger: Why are all the surgical residents being so relentless about my son's heart?

Turk: Because whichever one of us convinces you to pull the plug and donate his heart gets to assist in the transplant.

Mr. Bolger: You're talking about my son here. And you don't even know him.

Turk: What's his name?

Mr. Bolger: Ray.

Turk: How you doin', Ray? Now ask me if I think it's the right thing to do, even if you request that I don't assist.

Mr. Bolger: Do you?

Turk: Yes. I'm really sorry.

(Turk exits. Cut to hallway.)

Elliot: J.D., there is just no way that I'm going to be able to pull this off. In a few hours, I'm going to have a room full of specialists firing questions at me. I gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds!

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, you knew he's an athlete of some kind. Just say something general.

J.D.: Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays. Look, Elliot, you know how people become specialists? They obsess about the material over and over again until it becomes lodged into their brains. That's exactly what you've been doing. Watch, where's the closest page you've hidden around here?

Elliot: Hmm.

(Elliot lifts J.D.'s shirt to reveal a page taped to his torso.)

J.D.: Wha-? You are good.

Elliot: Hmm.

J.D.: All right look. What's the leading differential in an obese woman suffering from amenorrhea and hirsutism?

Elliot: Polycystic ovaries. Oh my God, I knew it! Ha! Up here!

(J.D. high-fives Elliot. Cut to OR prep room.)

Carla: Dr. Cox?

Dr. Cox: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

(Carla pulls back a curtain and finds Dr. Cox scrubbing Jack clean.)

Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him, your kid's, like, all green and slimy.

Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.

Carla: Where is Jordan, anyway?

Dr. Cox: The wicked witch of the east wing?

(Cut to Jordan's office. Jordan collapses to the floor.)

Jordan: Help! I'm melting in here! Anyone, help! I'm melting!

(Cut to OR prep room.)

Dr. Cox: So, he's green. Don't beat yourself up, Carla. Come on, so far on my watch, he's gotten stitches, cut his own hair and eaten over four dollars in change. Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don't I?

Carla: You don't understand. I didn't dump him on the Janitor because I was busy. I dumped him on him because he was working my last nerve and I wanted to smoosh his face. I'm not meant for this.

Dr. Cox: Carla, look at me and Jordan. You know how we hate everyone?

Carla: Yeah.

Dr. Cox: Well, that goes doubly for children. It's true. They're loud, you can't understand them, they're like tiny cab drivers. But, trust me, when you do have your own kid, you won't feel that way.

Carla: Yeah, what--what will be different?

Dr. Cox: He'll be yours.

(Cut to doctor's lounge. Turk is on the couch, watching TV. Dr. Kelso enters and turns off the TV.)

Turk: Sir, I was watching that.

Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't I just tell you what happened? Uncle Phillip gets Webster the dog despite George and Ma'am's objections. It was a good one. Now, on your feet. They need you in the OR to assist on the heart transplant.

Turk: The Bolgers said yes?

Dr. Kelso: Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this.

Turk: His son's driver's license?

Dr. Kelso: Turn it over.

(Turk does. On the back is a heart sticker with the word "DONOR.")

J.D.'s Narration: Every so often, a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear.

Dr. Kelso: Seems like you had a heart all along.

(Cut to classroom where Elliot is preparing for her lecture.)

Elliot: Superior vena cava?

J.D.: That's right! See? You had the brains all along.

(Cut to OR prep room)

Dr. Cox: Trust me, Carla. When you do have your own kid, you're gonna find that you had the courage to be a parent all along.

Carla: Thank you.

(Cut to roof. The Worthless Peons sing "Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.)

Ted: [singing] Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby...

(Pan to a window of a private room with Turk and Mr. Bolger. They hug.)

Ted: [singing] ...Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are so far behind me...

(Pan to another window of a classroom where Elliot gives her lecture.)

Ted: [singing] ...Where troubles melt like lemon drops, high above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me, somewhere over the rainbow. Blue birds fly (ooh, birds fly) over the rainbow....

(Pan to another window of a lounge. Carla plays with Jack.)

Ted: [singing] ...why, then, oh why can't I?

(Pan to hospital entrance. J.D. exits.)

Dr. Cox: Hey, Dorothy. Going home, are you?

J.D.: Yep!

Ted: [singing] If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can't I?

(Pan to the sky to show a rainbow.)



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