The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Two Dads".


Open: The Hospital -- The ICU -- A Patient's Room (daytime) Elliot stands at the end of a young boy's bed, reading his chart. The boy, Jared, has his eyes locked on his TV. J.D. enters.

J.D.: [quietly, to Elliot] Hey, how's he doing?

Elliot: Well, he was admitted with neutropenic fever, but his white blood cell count's stabilized. Best I can say is he's not getting any worse.

They turn around to face the boy.

Elliot: [chipper] How ya feeling, Jared?

Jared: Okay, I guess.

Elliot: Oh, hey! I heard your dad arranged a visit from The Rock?

Jared: Oh, yeah, I'm thirteen, I must love wrestling, right? Woo-hoo.

J.D. and Elliot laugh.

Elliot: Oh, come on; The Rock's a movie star! I mean, out of anything in the whole world, what could a guy possibly want to see more.

      • Fantasy Sequence: "The Family Feud" Gameshow

J.D. heads the team of Guys, whose turn is up. They huddle to come up with their answer. The host, Louie Anderson, approaches them.

Louie Anderson: Okay, Guys, we need an answer.

They break to listen to him repeat the question.

Louie Anderson: Name one thing guys wanna see more than anything in the whole, wide world.

J.D.: Okay, uh, Louie, we're gonna go with "boobs".

Louie Anderson: Show me "boobs"!

He points at the board which already displays the other three answers: 2. The Rock 3. Beer Sandwiches 4. World Peace. The panel flips over to reveal the Number One answer, with 93 votes, as "Boobs".

Louie Anderson: There they are! Good job!

The team cheers.

      • End of Sequence: J.D. is smiling. Jared interrupts his thoughts.

Jared: I wanna see 'em on a real girl. A cute girl.

J.D. looks over at a slightly stunned Elliot.

J.D.: You're cute.

She shakes her head no, and J.D. looks over at Jared and giggles.




My Two Dads

Re-open: The Hospital -- An Empty Semi-Private Patient's Room (daytime) J.D. stands, looking at a chart. He notices the Janitor mopping the floor just outside the door.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Argh. The Janitor. This guy is always bothering me. Don't look at him... don't talk to him... don't---

He sneezes.

Janitor: [looking in] What's your point? Ammonia too strong?

J.D.: Oh, no, I have a---

Janitor: That's one. Keep pushin'.

Dr. Kelso, with Dr. Steadman in tow, enters the room.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, there, sport. Got your page.

Dr. Steadman: This better be good -- paging the Chief of Medicine.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Steadman. Resident, and first-class teacher's pet.

      • Fantasy Sequence: Dr. Steadman crouches on the floor at the feet of Dr. Kelso, who throws him a 'treat'. Steadman greedily eats it and begins humping Dr. Kelso's leg.
      • End of Sequence: J.D. shakes off the thought, and looks into his chart.

J.D.: I, uh.... Sir, I was going over Mr. Martinez's chart, and it seems like the TIPS procedure he's scheduled for is completely unnecessary.

Dr. Steadman: Why would you think that's unnecessary?

J.D.: Well, he's dead.

He looks down at the empty bed.

Dr. Kelso: [impressed] Well, excellent catch Dr..... uh... Dr.... uhm....

J.D.'s Thoughts: Dorian. You see me every day. Say my name; say it!

Dr. Kelso: [looking in the chart J.D. had given him] ....Martinez.

J.D.: That was the name of the patient, sir.

Dr. Kelso: [looking again] ...Avery.

J.D.: No, actually, that's the--that's the manufacturer of the clipboard...sir.

Dr. Kelso: Fine work doctor! Fine work.

J.D.'s Thoughts: [happy] I hear that!

Dr. Kelso hands back the chart and heads out the door, with Dr. Steadman trailing close behind.

Dr. Kelso: [passing the Janitor] Ammonia's a little strong today.

J.D. quickly pops the chart open and holds it in front of his face.

Janitor: [to J.D.] That's two.


Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Living Room (nighttime) Turk is on the couch with Carla on his lap. Rowdy stands nearby, a MilkBone balanced on his nose.

Turk: [to Rowdy] Steady, boy.... Okay, now Rowdy!

Rowdy stands...stiff.

Carla looks at Turk.

Turk: I swear, when you're not here, he does it.

Carla: Oh, I'm sure he's just shy.

J.D. and Elliot enter.

J.D.: I think you should go ahead and do it.

Elliot: I am not flashing my breasts!

J.D.: Why not? It's easy, you just go like this.

He lifts up his t-shirt, revealing a colorful Band-Aid on each nipple.

Elliot: [sarcastic] Ooh, that's hot.

She goes into the bathroom.

J.D.: [looking down] Oh, [laughs], I went by Pediatrics..... They thought it was funny.

Carla: [to Turk] I'm borrowing a sweatshirt.

She gets up and starts to walk toward Turk's room. She turns back to see Turk looking at J.D., about to say something -- she interrupts:

Carla: 'Scuse me, what did we agree you would do whenever I left a room?

Turk: Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

He turns his attention to her, and she turns around so he can watch her leave.

Carla: That's better.

He keeps his gaze focused on her rear until she goes into the room and closes the door. Turk turns to J.D.

Turk: How was that?

Turk and J.D. laugh conspiratorially, and J.D. heads over to him to congratulate him.

J.D.: Ahhhhhh! My man, Turk, is getting it daily, nightly, and ever so rightly!

Turk starts hushing him.

J.D.: Ah! What up, dude!

Turk pushes him away, and worriedly looks over at his closed bedroom door.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for....

Relieved, Turk turns away and slaps J.D. in the chest.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Luckily, this wasn't one of those times.

The door suddenly flies open and Carla emerges.

Carla: What did you just say?

J.D.: [small] "What up...dude?"

Carla: Why would you think that Turk and I slept together? Because I'm a nurse? Because I'm Latina?

J.D.: No, just 'cause you guys have been dating...for a while. Do Latina women put out more? Because that's not something I've--I've ever heard.

Carla looks at him.

J.D.: Turk told me.

Turk: No! I didn't! No, I swear. Look, he--he assumed.

Carla: Uh-huh. And did you correct him?

Turk: Well, you know, I've been really busy at the hospital lately....

He knows his argument is weak, and sits down on the couch for his lecture.

Carla: Is that how you see this relationship, as some mad dash to the finish line? Because I'll take you into that bedroom right now; and I promise you, you will be walking sideways for the rest of your life, because I will have used all your up-and-down. Now, is that what you want?

Turk: [meek] No.

Carla: Good. Because what I want is for this to be a real relationship. I want us to know each other better than we know ourselves.

Turk: Wow.

Carla: That's right "wow."

Elliot comes out of the bathroom and takes a seat on the arm of the couch next to J.D.

Carla: [continuing] So if you really want me 'daily and nightly and ever so rightly'...

Elliot looks at J.D., laughing.

Elliot: That sounds like something you'd say.

J.D. shakes his head and looks down.

Carla: [continuing] ...Show me that you know me.

Turk, a much smaller man, looks over at J.D., his expression saying, "Thanks for getting me in trouble." J.D. quickly turns his attention to Elliot.

J.D.: So, anyway, I think you should let the kid meet the ladies.


Mr. Martinez's Empty Room J.D. and Dr. Cox stand on opposite sides of the empty bed.

Dr. Cox: So, you're the one who told Kelso that Mr. Martinez was dead? That's terrific work.

J.D. waves his hand and looks down, bashful.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Looks like word gets around.

Dr. Cox: What in the name of 'Are ya there, God, it's me Margaret' were you thinking.

J.D.: [smug] Well, I'm new here, but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures have a very low success rate on dead people.

Dr. Cox: That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103. You see, she doesn't have insurance; Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance. Should I talk slower or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron?

J.D.: You don't have to be, like, mean about it.

Dr. Cox: Well, geez, newbie, just what in the hell do you want from me, huh?

      • Fantasy sequence: An old home movie reel, akin to the opening of 'The Wonder Years' -- complete with folksy background music.

Dr. Cox and J.D. play the parts of father and son, affectionately tossing a football around.

      • End of Sequence: J.D. forces his attention back to Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails, where you obviously, if not grew up then at least spent most of your summers, but [high pitch] you're in the real world now. Nnnnn-kay?

He turns and leaves.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't say it!

J.D.: [quietly] I still think I was right.

Suddenly worried, he looks towards the doorway.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Once every 6.3 seconds, a man says something stupid that another man hears and punishes him for...

The doorway remains empty.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Luckily, this wasn't---

Dr. Cox flies back into the room.

Dr. Cox: That's it!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no.

Dr. Cox: Do you know what this is? [rubs his hands together] This is me washing my hands of you. I will not be in the same room with you again, starting....

He walks out.

Dr. Cox: [out of view] ....Now.

J.D. pokes his head out the door to watch Dr. Cox storm off. The Janitor comes up behind him, his lower lip quivering, pretending to cry. He offers J.D. a filthy rag.

Janitor: Tissue?

Cut To: Jared's Room Jared is flipping the channels on the TV. Elliot walks in, and without a word, lifts her top with an accommodating smile. Jared looks at her and gasps.

Cut to: The Hallway of the Unit J.D is walking through.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I don't need Dr. Cox. Big jerk. I hate him.

He passes the window of Jared's room. Elliot continues to hold her top up as the boy experiences a meltdown.

Jared: Yes!! YES!!


The Nurses' Station J.D. is leaned on the counter, lost in thought. Dr. Kelso comes up to him.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport. Or should I say, howdy, Mr. Pouty.

J.D.: Sorry, sir, it's been a rough day.

Dr. Kelso: So I hear. Well, anyway, I'm very proud of you, Dr... uhmmmmmm......

J.D.'s Thoughts: Just look at my badge!

Dr. Kelso does so.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk!

J.D. looks down at his badge, only to see that it's Turk's.

J.D.: Oh, no, this--this is my roommate's badge, sir; we must have switched this morning. We were b---

Dr. Kelso: [smiling] Oh, that's a great anecdote. You should write that down in your journal, then your kids can read about it when you're dead.

Dr. Steadman approaches.

Dr. Steadman: Sir, they're waiting for us---

Dr. Kelso: In a moment. [to J.D.] If you will promise to go easy on the stories, I'd love for you to join me for a round of golf tomorrow.

J.D.: [grinning] That'd be terrific, sir!

Dr. Kelso: Super.

      • Fantasy Shot: Dr. Kelso turns and tosses a treat to Dr. Steadman, but J.D. leaps into the path to snag it. Dr. Steadman growls.


The Doctors' Lounge (nighttime) Close up of J.D.'s badge. Pull back to see it's wearer, Turk, sitting on one of the couches. Next to him is Todd.

Turk: You wanna show a woman you know her, you gotta buy her a little somethin'-somethin'.

Todd nods. Pull back further to reveal J.D. going over some paperwork at the table, and Elliot pacing behind him as she reads a chart.

Elliot: This doesn't make any sense, none of my patients are improving.

Turk: I'm gonna buy her flowers.

Todd: Yeah!!!!

He raises his hand to Turk congratulating him on his excellent decision. Just as Turk is about to give him the high-five, Elliot looks up at them.

Elliot: Please, it's been done to death.

The guys drop their hands. Elliot tosses her chart onto the table and sits next to J.D.

Elliot: I don't get it; I've done everything by the book.

J.D.: Well, maybe that's the problem, maybe you're just approaching things too clinically.

Turk: How 'bout chocolates?

Todd's impressed. He raises his hand again.

Elliot: Mmm! With rich, cliché centers?

Disappointed, Turk and Todd again drop their hands.

J.D.: [to Elliot] Have you ever tried treating your patients with something other than traditional medicine?

She thinks a minute, but is interrupted by Turk, who jumps out of his seat, excited.

Turk: I got it! I'm gonna buy her a really nice...pen.

J.D. and Elliot exchange looks.

Turk: No...she loves to write. She hand-writes all of her letters because she says e-mail is too impersonal. That's perfect!

Todd looks over to Elliot, who thinks about it.

Elliot: Pen is good.

Todd: Yeah-ah!

Finally, the high-five is exchanged; in the middle of which, Turk's beeper goes off. He looks at the display and sighs.

Turk: Now all I gotta do is find time to get outta here and maybe I'll buy her one.

He leaves.

J.D.: [to Elliot] Look, all I'm saying is, there's more to healing than what's in the books. I talk to my patients, I--I sing to them...

She raises her brow.

J.D.: [continuing] ...Ask them what their hobbies are; and tell them ghost stories about an old sea captain.

Elliot busts up, laughing. Nurse Roberts comes in with a chart.

Nurse Roberts: [to Elliot] Thought you'd be interested in that kid Jared's chart.

Elliot: [reading] Wow! Look at that white blood cell count!

J.D.: [reading over her shoulder] Look at that. And all it took was a visit from The Rock.

Todd: The Rock was here and nobody told me?!

Elliot: [to Todd, consolingly] The Rock couldn't make it.

Nurse Roberts: Well, somebody did something.

Elliot looks down at her chest, surprised.


A Semi-Private Patient's Room J.D. stands next to the bed of a middle-aged woman, Mrs. Blitt, as Carla leans over her, setting up an IV.

J.D.'s Narration: It felt weird knowing that Dr. Cox and I would never be working in the same room again.

Dr. Cox enters the room.

Dr. Cox: [to Carla] Check her LFTs and a coax for me.

Carla: Yeah, sure.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Every time I think something, the opposite happens.... I am so not having sex this weekend.

Mrs. Blitt: [to J.D.] You're cute.

J.D. looks away, frightened, then looks back with a smile. Dr. Cox notices a small, slender package sticking out of Carla's pocket.

Dr. Cox: [to Carla] Who's the present from?

She looks down.

Carla: Oh, [smiles] my boyfriend.

Dr. Cox: Really, when did he give it to you?

Cox and Carla continue talking about the present, but are drowned out by....

J.D.'s Thoughts: Look at him, pretending like yesterday never happened. Well, if he thinks I'm gonna forgive him without so much as a---

Dr. Cox: Anyway, newbie, the reason I was all bent outta shape yesterday---

J.D.: [beaming] I accept!

Dr. Cox: Don't interrupt me. Come here;

He steps away from Mrs. Blitt's bed, and pulls the privacy curtain. J.D. joins him.

Dr. Cox: Pull that curtain. Mrs. Blitt over there -- needs the TIPS procedure, no insurance? Yeah, well, she can now look forward to a lifetime of encephalopathy and jaundice thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.

J.D.: Is it really that bad?

Dr. Cox: I...hate...Robert Kelso. I hate his family, I hate his friends, I hate the guy that cleans his vaguely racist little lawn jockey; in fact, I hate anybody who ever even associates with him. Is that clear?

      • Fantasy Shot -- J.D. stands in goofy Golf attire, a bag of clubs slung over his shoulder:

J.D.: [nodding] Totally.


The Hallway Jared is walking through with his parents. From the doorway of the X-Ray lab, Elliot happily watches.

Jared: [quietly, as he passes her] Call me.

Elliot is taken aback. Turk runs up to her from inside the room and pulls her in.

Turk: Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.

Todd and Nurse Roberts are inside, looking at the films, two of which display a wrench and a liquor bottle that found their way into the lower torsos of some unfortunate patients.

Elliot: [laughing] Oh, my God! How does that stuff even get up there?

Cut To: A guy sitting in front of his X-Ray (the wrench)... Guy 1: I fell on it.

Cut To: A woman, sitting in front of hers (the liquor bottle)... Woman: I fell on it?

Cut To: Another guy (a pen)... Guy 2: I fell on it.

Cut To: Yet another guy, who looks rather nonchalant (I don't know what the heck it is!)... Dude: [shrugging] I was bored.

Nurse Roberts: The doctors in the ER have a box where they actually keep all this junk.

Turk: Is that, like, next to the lost-&-found box?

Nurse Roberts: Lost-&-found box? [laughs derisively] There's no lost-&-found box. There's an ass box.

Todd puts up one of the films.

Elliot: [to Turk] Oh, no, that's not Carla's pen?

Turk: I had no time to shop!!!

He bolts from the room.

Turk: [out of view] Ohhh! Ohhhh!!!

Todd puts up another film, this one displaying a necklace lodged inside someone. He looks close at the chain around his neck -- it's the same, but it doesn't bother him.


The Golf Course Dr. Kelso, Dr. Steadman, and J.D. are heading out onto the links.

Dr. Kelso: Beautiful day for golf, eh sports?

Dr. Steadman: Yes, sir, Dr. Kelso!

Dr. Kelso steps up to the first tee, and Dr. Steadman takes the moment of privacy to speak to J.D.:

Dr. Steadman: Look, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I am not a guy you want to mess with.

Dr. Kelso: Steadman... I need a tee.

Dr. Steadman: A tee or some tea, sir? [he holds up a thermos] because I brought both.

He goes up to Dr. Kelso.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, relax, it's just a friendly game of golf with a couple of guys from work.

Dr. Kelso: Excellent, our fourth has arrived.

A golf cart, driven by Dr. Cox, pulls up behind J.D. and squeals to a stop.

Dr. Cox: [getting out] 'Sup, newbie.




Re-open: The Golf Course Dr. Cox finishes teeing off. He walks over next to J.D. as Dr. Steadman sets up Dr. Kelso's ball.

J.D.'s Thoughts: You know what? He's got nothing to say; after all, he's here, too.

J.D.: Thought you hated Kelso.

Dr. Cox: Oh, I do. And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week is basically..., well, it's the most fun I can have without being forced to cuddle afterwards.

Dr. Kelso takes his shot.

Dr. Steadman: Oh, goodnight, Irene! Fantastic golf shot, sir!

Dr. Cox: Real nice length. Now, does your husband happen to play?

Dr. Kelso: Ha...ha.

He moves on, as J.D. steps up to the tee. Dr. Cox follows right behind him.

Dr. Cox: For the record, no, I'm not a hypocrite for being here. What's your pathetic excuse, you whiny, little suck-up.

He moves off, as J.D. prepares to swing.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Ignore him. Just let your game do all the talking.

He swings, and the ball hits Dr. Steadman in the forehead, knocking him to the ground. J.D. lunges towards his victim, and Dr. Cox, unfazed, turns and heads for the golf cart.

Dr. Cox: That'll play.


The ICU -- Nurses' Station Carla removes the tiny package from her pocket, and looks it over, smiling.

Cut To: The Hall Turk is running through at top speed.

Turk: Don't open it! Please don't open it. Oh, please don't open it!

Cut To: A Room in the Unit Elliot sits on the bed of an unconscious patient.

Elliot: You know, since we've been chatting, could raise your heart rate for me? What do you say?

She watches the monitor -- there's no change.

Elliot: What am I doing? [laughs] This is stupid.

She gets up to leave, then has a second thought. She turns around and flashes the patient. The monitor beeps faster -- and Elliot shrieks in surprise.

Turk runs past the window of the room, and skids to a stop when he registers seeing what Elliot was doing. He runs back, but only sees her filling out a chart. Confused, he continues running, kissing his Crucifix and praying.

Turk: Please, please don't make her open it.

He screeches to a stop at the Nurses' Station, where Carla, her new pen in hand, stands smiling at him. He turns around and looks heavenward.

Turk: Are you that busy?

He turns back around to face Carla.

Carla: [touched] You do know me.

Turk: I just...

She throws her arms around him, putting the pen right near his face.

Carla: Sweetie, I love this!

Turk: [disgusted] Oh... Ohh...! God--- [pushing the pen away] It's so--it's so cool.


The Golf Course Dr. Steadman has an enormous goose egg on his head.

Dr. Steadman: I'm woozy.

Dr. Kelso: You're fine.

He walks over towards J.D. who is watching Dr. Cox prepare his shot.

Dr. Kelso: Today's the day I finally beat his uppity, insubordinate--- [Dr. Cox swings] Eh! Great shot, doctor! [to J.D., as Dr. Cox stands behind him, pretending to swing at his head] You see, son, I always say, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." [he turns to Cox, who starts "practicing his swing,"] You believe him? You're away and yet he hit first.

Dr. Cox has resumed "beating" Kelso over the head.

J.D.: It's just a technicality.

Dr. Kelso: Ah. But there's the rub. The rules are there for a reason; you break one, why not break them all?

The two move off as J.D. sets up his shot. He swings, and watches. It's good. He walks off, thoroughly pleased with his bad self.

Cut To: Another Hole Dr. Cox stands behind J.D., who prepares his shot.

Dr. Cox: You know that before medicine ever became a business, the only rule was to do your best to help the patient.

Cut To: The Sandtrap Dr. Kelso stands nearby, as J.D. hits his ball out.

Dr. Kelso: Like it or not, medicine is a business. If the hospital shuts down, who are we helping then?

Cut to: The Restrooms Dr. Cox stands below, as J.D. readies to hit his ball from the roof.

Dr. Cox: So, what, only people with money deserve medical treatment?

Cut To: The Rough Dr. Kelso stands nearby. J.D. is unseen among the trees. He swings, causing some of the scenery to go flying.

J.D.: [out of view] Dammit!

Dr. Kelso: It's about what's best for the hospital.

Another swing is heard; more underbrush takes flight....

J.D.: [out of view] Argh!

And again....

J.D.: [out of view] ARGH!

Cut To: The Water Dr. Cox stands on the bank. J.D., calf deep in water, is swinging at his sunken ball.

Dr. Cox: It's about what's best for the patient.

Mid-swing, J.D. slips and falls, but jumps to his feet to continue whacking at the water.

Cut to: The 18th Green. J.D. holds the flag as Dr. Kelso prepares his shot.

Dr. Kelso: The only reason I go back to that hospital day after day is because I care about those patients -- every one of 'em. [he swings, and follows the ball] You've got a lot of potential, sport; you stick with me, and you're going to be climbing the ladder very quickly. [second stroke, he taps it in] Isn't that what you want?

J.D. thinks about it as Dr. Kelso collects his ball and walks over to the edge of the green.

Dr. Kelso: You have to sink this for the win, Cox.

Dr. Cox walks over to the green to prepare his shot.

Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie, c'mere -- I almost forgot. [J.D. walks over, still holding the flag] I'm gonna get Mrs. Blitt her TIPS procedure tomorrow, with or without insurance; and I want you to help me. Now, tell me, Margaret, do you have the stones to sink a putt when you have to?

He taps the ball and walks away, patting J.D. on the back. All but he stand and watch as the ball drops into the hole. Dr. Kelso grimaces.

Dr. Cox: See you next Wednesday.

J.D. turns around to watch him leave. With the flag propped on his shoulder, he accidentally whacks Dr. Steadman in the head. The doc goes down for the second time that day.

Dr. Cox: [laughing] I love this game!


The Bar J.D., Turk, and Elliot sit at the bar.

J.D.: I can't decide if I should help Cox or not. It's driving me crazy.

Turk: Dude, at least you didn't give your girlfriend a gift that used to be inside of someone.

J.D.: That's true.

Elliot takes a swig out of her beer.

Elliot: [to no one in particular] I have magic breasts.

She lays her head down on the bar.

J.D.: How many has she had?

Turk picks up her bottle and shakes it.

Turk: Almost one. You know what, Cox doesn't need your help taking her down for a TIPS procedure. As a matter of fact, he shouldn't even be putting you in that situation!

J.D.: You're right.

Turk: Hell, yeah, I'm right! Screw Cox! ....I mean, you're not afraid of him, are you?

J.D.: Hell no!

Cut To: The Hospital -- Hallway (the next day) Dr. Cox walks past the snack machine, hidden behind which is J.D.

J.D.'s Thoughts: ....Okay, maybe a little.

J.D. emerges from his hiding place, startling the passing Janitor and causing him to drop his armload of cleaning supplies.

Janitor: That's four.

J.D.: That's three!

Janitor: That's five.

Cut To: A Unit in the ICU. The final attempts to save a flat-lined patient are being made. Dr. Cox moves off to the side.

Dr. Cox: Still nothing. All righty, we're through here. [he strips off his gloves] Somebody call it.

A nurse looks at her watch, about to pronounce; suddenly Elliot runs in.

Elliot: Wait!

She hikes up her top, displaying her magical breasts to the patient and staff in the room. Dr. Cox looks at her blankly.

Dr. Cox: Right. Time of death [he glances at the nurse's watch], 6:20.

He looks back at Elliot, her top still raised. She looks around the room, baffled, before finally remembering to lower her top.


Turk and J.D.'s Apartment (nighttime) The place is filled with candles. Romantic music plays in the background. Turk comes in the front door to be greeted by Carla, wearing a short robe.

Carla: Hey... There's my buppie.

Turk: Did you just say "buppie"? Uh, 'cause that's not gonna work for me. Carla, we gotta talk.

She pulls her robe open to reveal a very tiny lavender negligee.

Carla: [invitingly] We can talk later.

As she walks over to him, he shakes his head wildly. But as soon as she touches him:

Turk: Later's good.

They kiss passionately.


The Hospital -- Hallway An orderly pushes an elderly woman's wheelchair. Dr. Kelso (with Dr. Steadman close behind) walks next to the woman.

Dr. Kelso: [to the woman] Let's just worry about getting you better, okay gorgeous?

From the other end of the Hallway, J.D. watches the proceedings.

J.D.'s Narration: I'd decided that Cox was wrong. There's room to play by the rules and care about the patients.

He passes behind Dr. Kelso as he and Dr. Steadman stand watching the orderly continue down the hall with the woman.

Dr. Kelso: [to Steadman] I want you to do a wallet biopsy on her, and if the insurance doesn't check out, I want her back to the nursing home before she so much as gums down a single fruit cup.

Dr. Steadman: [nodding] Mm-hmm.

He turns and leaves. J.D., a disappointed look on his face, continues watching Dr. Kelso stand, waving and smiling at the woman as she's pushed down the hall.

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, that was the moment I realized how Dr. Kelso truly saw these people.

      • Fantasy Sequence: A Grocery Store Check-Out Line

Several people stand with shopping carts filled with hospital-gown-clad loved ones.

The elderly woman from a few moments before sits on the conveyor belt of the register, behind which stands Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: [into the store intercom] Can I have a price-check on a seventy-four-year-old female with pre-renal azotemia?

He turns to J.D., who is working as bag-boy.

Dr. Kelso: Bag her!

J.D. whips out a body bag, and starts screaming.

      • End of Sequence: J.D. continues screaming.


Turk and J.D.'s Apartment Turk and Carla continue making out. She pulls away, and starts to lead him to the bedroom.

Carla: I wanna show you something.

He stops her.

Turk: Wait; it's about the pen.

She looks at him, curious.

Turk: [hesitant] So...I thought a really nice one would be a great gift; and I see a great the "lost-&-found" box.

Carla: There is no "lost-&-found" box. There's an ass box.

Turk: [sheepish] Yeah.... There is.

Carla pulls her robe closed, a thoroughly repulsed look on her face.

Carla: Ugh.... And to think, you were this close to getting everything you wanted! [she briefly pulls the robe open] I assume this is what you want.

Turk: [hanging his head] Yes.

Carla: And yet you come home and tell me that your thoughtful token of love wasn't a token of love at all... it was an ass pen. You come home and tell me this all because being open and honest in our relationship is more important to you than....having sex with me.

Even she can't quite believe the last few words that come out of her mouth. She turns and goes into the bedroom. Turk stands, still feeling ashamed.

Carla: [calling] Are you coming, or what?

Turk: [surprised] Hell, yeah.

He runs into the room and shuts the door. A few seconds later, the door opens again, and Turk puts Rowdy just outside of it.

Turk: Stay, Rowdy, stay.

He goes back in and closes the door.


The Hospital -- Hallway J.D. and Elliot are walking through, talking. They pass a small group of older male patients.

J.D.: It took me, like, three hours to realize who---

Group: That's her! That's her!

One of the men steps forward.

Old Man: Excuse me, miss.

Elliot: Can I help you?

Old Man: Well, I'm afraid I have just an awful case of the 'gotta see 'ems.'

The man snickers and runs back to his group. J.D. busts up, laughing. Elliot looks disappointed at him, and he straightens up.

J.D.: You know that's not even a real disease?

They resume walking down the hall.

Elliot: At what point did I become a crazy person?

J.D.: Oh, come on. Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy might have been a tad unorthodox; and yes, it might be a little hard to live down....

Elliot: I'm waiting for the "but."

J.D.: So is everyone else around here.

Rim shot. She stops and looks at him.

J.D.: Oh, that's not funny.

Elliot: [defeated] Thanks. Glad I shared.

She starts to walk away, but he grabs her arm.

J.D.: Come on. When I look at you, I look at a doctor who'll do whatever it takes to help a patient.

Elliot: Really?

J.D.: Yeah, really.

J.D.'s Narration: And...on that note....

Cut to: The Admissions Area J.D. approaches Dr. Cox.

J.D.: I just want you to know, if you still want my help, I'm on board.

Dr. Cox: What, are you kidding? It's way too big of a risk for a peon. Okay -- I just wanted to see what team you were playing for.

J.D.'s Thoughts: So it was all a test.

Dr. Cox: Besides, I already did it.

He holds up the chart, totally shocking J.D, who turns at the sound of Dr. Kelso's voice:

Dr. Kelso: [angry] Cox!!!!

Dr. Cox: Run, junior -- daddy's home!

He slaps J.D. on the back as he passes him on his way to Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Cox] Did you actually think I wouldn't find out what you did!?

Dr. Cox: What did I do?

Dr. Kelso: You insolent....

Dr. Cox: I'm insolent?

Dr. Kelso: ....Arrogant....

Dr. Cox: I--I'm arrogant?

J.D. watches them continue bickering....

J.D.'s Narration: I know it sounds melodramatic, but in my mind, as I watched the two of them, they weren't battling for patients or insurance... they were battling for my soul.

Dr. Cox: ...Bottom line, she needs the TIPS procedure, with insurance or without insurance... [in counterpart]: Dr. Kelso: I've got you this time, Cox. I can taste it!

J.D.'s Narration: It's an old story, really -- good versus bad, right versus wrong... the Dark Side versus The Light...

      • Fantasy Sequence: Star Wars

Darth Kelso and Obi Wan Cox face each other. Kelso extends his light saber, and Cox extends his.

Dr. Kelso: I've been waiting for this moment all my life.

A fierce battle takes place between the two, as J.D. (Luke Skywalker), Turk (Han Solo), Elliot and Carla (both with enormous Leia buns in their hair), and the Janitor stand watching.

Turk: [to the Janitor] Easy, Chewy.

The Janitor holds up his hands, which are enormous, hairy paws. He howls.

Dr. Kelso: [to Cox] I'll teach you to respect this institution.

Cox withdraws his saber, and looks over to J.D.

Dr. Cox: I hope you learn from this.

Darth Kelso swings his saber, reducing Obi Wan Cox to nothing but empty robes.

J.D.: NO!!!

The group stands, looking shocked.

      • End of Sequence.

Dr. Kelso: [to Cox] You're suspended! Effective immediately.

Dr. Cox takes the suspension notice and bitterly crumples it into a ball. He tosses it on the floor as he turns and walks out. Dr. Kelso walks over to J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Well, sport, it looks like a permanent spot just opened up on the golf course. How does joining the Chief of Medicine for a weekly round sound?

J.D.: Actually, sir, I'm not really that in to golf.

Dr. Kelso: [curt] Well, I guess that's your choice, isn't it... Dr. Dorian.

He walks away.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I think I liked it better when he didn't know my name.

With his eyes locked on the departing Dr. Kelso, J.D. fails to notice the wet floor beneath him. He trips and falls flat on the floor. The Janitor, mop in hand, comes over and looks down on him.

Janitor: That's one for me.

He extends his hand, encouraging J.D. to let him help him up. J.D. takes it, and the Janitor lifts him off the floor a few inches, and drops him again.

J.D.: [in pain] Owww.

Janitor: That's two.

The screen goes black.

J.D.: [voice over] I'm hurt.


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