The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Roommates".
Act[]
KYLIE'S APARTMENT J.D. and Kylie make out on the couch.
J.D.'s Narration: Kylie wanted to take things slowly. So, seventeen dates in, I was basically embroiled in the world's longest make-out session.
Still kissing, J.D. massages his jaw. Kylie pulls back.
Kylie: Too much kissing?
J.D.: No, no. Come on, I still have a little saliva left.
They resume kissing, and J.D. resumes rubbing his cheek.
J.D.'s Narration: As I felt the onslaught of what can only be described as a vicious tongue cramp, I decided it was time to let Kylie see my favorite dance. The "For God's sake, invite me to stay over" dance. And we all know where that ends.
He peers over at the bed.
- FANTASY***
Even with the teddy bear sitting in the center, the bed is illuminated by a heavenly light.
- BACK TO REALITY***
J.D.'s Thoughts: The dance begins with a subtle hint.
J.D.: [Stretches] I am so pooped.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Step Two: Sashay her into sympathy.
J.D.: [Shivers] It's chilly out there.
Kylie: [Concerned] It is cold.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Finally, sweep her off her feet with your vulnerable cuteness.
J.D.: [Cutesy] You know what I call this weather? Snuggle weather.
Kylie grins and they rub noses. She happily cuddles into his arms.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Tip the band leader and fluff up the pillows, because this dance is done.
Kylie: You should go.
Unpleasantly surprised, J.D. looks over at the bed again.
- FANTASY***
The bear on the bed comes to life. Teddy Bear: Yeah, hit the bricks, bitch. You got no game! Ha ha ha ha ha!
- BACK TO REALITY***
Cut to... J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT The three sit on the couch, J.D. in the middle, watching TV.
J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't the only one having relationship trouble. Lately, Turk and Carla had lost their sizzle. And as a couple, when you reach a roadblock, you can do one of two things: Look inward and try and solve your problems together...or blame someone else.
Just as J.D. wipes the popcorn crumbs off his mouth on Turk's sleeve, Carla suddenly shuts off the TV.
Carla: [To J.D.] You have to move out.
J.D.: What? Is this about the bra catapult thing? Because if it's that big a deal, I can throw my own water balloons. I don't need those C-cups.
Carla: J.D.! We're newlyweds! That's hard enough, and when you're around-- Tell him, Turk.
Turk: You're all up in our space!
J.D.: What? When have I ever been all up in your space?
- FLASHBACK***
BATHROOM Turk and Carla share a candlelit bubble bath. Carla: This is nice.
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Pan back to show J.D. on the toilet next to them.
J.D.: Whooooo! Sorry about the twosie, guys.
He flushes and leaves, spraying air freshener behind him.
- BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: Huh. And here I thought that was a lovely evening. Well, we're all adults here, so I guess I'll just bid you guys adieu and gather my things quietly, starting with my cable box.
He gets up and grabs the box off the TV, not bothering to disconnect the cables. He pulls and pulls until finally they snap, and he goes flying over the couch.
Act[]
PARKING LOT Dr. Cox stands giving orders.
Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Guys, guys, guys. You've all been working here for two years. Now why do I have to keep teaching you the same stuff? I want to see you apply light pressure, small circles.
We see that he's got a bunch of interns out here cleaning his Porsche.
Lonnie: Can we take a break? The sun is scorching, and I'm very fair-skinned.
Dr. Cox: You've only been out here for eight minutes.
Lonnie: [Removes his shades, revealing tan lines] Whatever.
Jordan, obviously in hat mode lately, arrives.
Jordan: Ah, the intern car wash. Are you saving up so you can finally get those pec implants replaced?
Dr. Cox: Ron is coming to town today --
Jordan: Mm.
Dr. Cox: -- Speaking of which, I need to see you put on something a bit nicer.
Jordan: You know, this whole competition thing that you have happening with your high school buddy, it is very, very boring. You know, like you were the homecoming king, he was the prom king. You went to medical school, he went to business school. You got divorced, he got divorced.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, but he never has to see his wife anymore, so technically he's got me beat on that one.
Jordan: Eh.
Dr. Cox: Look, I am not going to let this weekend become about who's a bigger man. Ron's bringing his kid -- I can't wait to meet the child. And when he pulls in here in his crappy rent-a-car and he gets one look at my hand-polished Porsche, well, naturally, I'll have the lead.
Jordan: Very exciting.
There's suddenly the whir of a helicopter overhead. Amid the wind and flying debris, a rope ladder is let down, and Ron descends.
Ron: [Running over] Hoo-hoo! Hey. Hey, guys. [Shakes Perry's hand] Oh, I know the chopper seems like a bit much, but, uh, there was crazy traffic, so I'm having my assistant drive my rental car over from the airport -- ah!
A snazzy sports car pulls up and honks.
Ron: Well, it hardly seems worth it now, but what the hell? Ha! So, Perr, what are you driving these days?
Dr. Cox looks over at his car, it and the helpless interns around it covered in dust and garbage kicked up by the chopper.
Ron: Well, that ol' girl needs a wash.
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Ron.
Scene[]
HOSPITAL HALL J.D. and Elliot walk through.
Elliot: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot:: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.
J.D.: Oh.
Elliot continues on as J.D. stops at the Nurses' Station, where Turk and Carla are sitting.
J.D.'s Thoughts: All right, Carla calls the shots. Appeal to her rational side.
J.D.: Carla, I totally understand you guys need your space, but with work and my financial situation, finding a new place is gonna be, minimum, two to four years.
Carla: Come on, Bambi. Aren't there any other married couples that want to live in a small apartment with a 29-year-old man?
J.D.'s Thoughts: She called me a man! Okay, time to play the best friend card.
J.D.: Turk, I've always had your back and you always had mine. Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Turk: It was my idea.
J.D.: I banged your first girlfriend.
Turk: Chantal?
J.D.: Now, look, I need a favor. Let me try it. I'll move out for a week; if you still like it, I'll move out for good.
Turk &: Agreed Carla
J.D.: [Heading out] All right. And d-d-d-don't worry about John Dorian, because I may be poor in pocket, but I'm rich in friends! [Approaches Elliot] Elliot, I need to crash at your place for a week.
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.'s Thoughts: That's okay, because when God closes a window, he opens a door.
Cut to... KYLIE'S APARTMENT J.D. knocks on the door with Rowdy.
Kylie: [Answering] I'm just not sure I'm comfortable with you sleeping here.
J.D.: Kylie, I hear you. But trust me, this week is not gonna be about sex. Even though I think we both agree that's where we'd eventually like our relationship to end up, right? So what do you say!
Cut to... SCOOTER -- EN ROUTE With Rowdy strapped to his back, J.D.'s off to find another place to stay.
Scene[]
HOSPITAL HALL Dr. Cox and Ron walk through.
Ron: [Patting Cox on the back] It's good to see you, buddy.
Dr. Cox: [Competitively wrapping arm around Ron] It is great to see you, I'll tell you that!
Ron: Looks like we got ourselves in a little walking hug here. What say we, uh--
Dr. Cox: [Letting go] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ron: [Clears throat] So look at you, Mr. Big Time Doctor!
Dr. Cox: How about you, Mr. Big Time...I don't actually know what you do.
Ron: Man, I've told you a hundred times: I run mergers and acquisitions for a large private equity hedge fund. [Cox looks at him.] You've forgotten already, haven't you?
Dr. Cox: No, no. You do hedge clippings for a big farm.
Ron: Wha?
Dr. Cox: You privately acquire hedgehogs. [Ron shakes his head.] Oh, come on, you got a hog farm. Gimme a break. Tell me this, how's that super sexy mother of yours? She annihilates me!
Ron: You know what, your crush on my mom was cute when we were fourteen, but the woman's 85 now. You need to back off. Or we can ask her out to dinner. I'll have her pop in her "going out" teeth and you two can see if there's any real spark.
They meet Jordan in the hall.
Ron: Jordan.
Jordan: [Sighing] Hi.
Ron: Will you be joining us for dinner?
Jordan: No way. Every time we go out, the whole night turns into a giant pissing contest.
Dr. Cox: No, it doesn't.
- FLASHBACK***
ROOF Perry and Ron stand side by side, peeing off the edge of the roof. Dr. Cox: First one who tags the dog wins.
There's a canine whine below.
Ron: Count it.
- BACK TO PRESENT***
Dr. Cox: You know, I've seen that dog around the neighborhood. I think we killed its spirit.
Ron: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Look, why don't you bring Nathan over to our place tonight? The kids can play, and we can forget all about this competition crap.
Ron: I'd like that.
Dr. Cox: So would I.
Ron heads off, leaving Jordan and Perry.
Dr. Cox: Jack is going to kick Nathan's ass at playing!
Jordan makes a scowling face at him and winds her fingers around her head, mouthing "crazy!"
Scene[]
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Sweaty and breathless, Carla pops up from behind the kitchen counter.
Carla: Woo! How great is it not having J.D. around, huh?
Turk pops up behind her.
Turk: Ha! So great. [Spanks her with a spatula.] So great.... Now what?
Carla: [Pulls out a list.] Well, let's see. Did it on the couch.
Turk: Uh-huh.
Carla: Did it in the kitchen.
Turk: Oh, yes, we did.
Carla: Wanna do it on J.D.'s bed?
Turk: I think it's about time someone did.
They laugh like fiends.
Turk: [Laughs fade to misery] You don't really want to have more sex, do you?
Carla: [Exhaustion showing] God, no, I didn't even want to do it in the kitchen. [Hops up on the counter] Well, what do we do now?
Turk: Whenever J.D. and I are bored, we like to play a little game called "toe or finger"?
Carla: Uh-huh?
Turk: You close your eyes, and I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and try to guess which one it is! Huh!? [Chuckles.] [Her smile disappears.] Fine. What do you want to do?
Carla: Usually when J.D. gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.
Turk: Baby, that sounds a little immature.
Carla: Okay! Then, you know, what the hell are we supposed to do?
Time lapse... They open the door to Elliot.
Elliot: Hi, guys! Thanks for inviting me over!
Scene[]
TODD'S APARTMENT J.D. soothes Rowdy in this new, swanky environment. Todd stands before them in a silk robe.
J.D.: Thanks for letting us crash here, man.
Todd: The Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.
J.D.: Okay.... [Spots a male swim team photo.] Oh, cool picture. Which one of those guys is you?
Todd: Oh, I don't swim. So there's only one rule if you're gonna stay at el casa de Todd. [Peels off robe to reveal a banana hammock beneath.] You gotta hammock up.
J.D.: [Uncomfortable] Oh, I don't--I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd: No problem. [Opens a large cabinet holding a selection of thongs and pulls out a green one.] What are you, about a medium?
J.D.: [More uncomfortable] Extra-medium.
Todd: This'll work. And it'll look good, too.
Scene[]
DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT Jordan watches Perry pace back and forth before their son.
Dr. Cox: All right, Jack, listen to me. Ron's in the bathroom diapering his kid. When he gets out, it's playtime. And, son, lately your coloring's been sloppy and your Elmo song -- well, unfortunately, it's lacked heart. Now you and I, we both know that your super-secret go-to toy are your building blocks. Well, it's time to shine, Jackie Cox. It is time to shine. Earn daddy's love on three. One, two, three -- earn daddy's love! [Beats chest and kisses fingers.]
Ron returns from the back with his baby in arm.
Ron: 27-second diaper change.
He puts his son on the floor with Jack.
Dr. Cox: I can change a diaper in twenty seconds.
Jordan: Oh, my God!
Dr. Cox: Say, Ronnie, what say we let the kids play for a while? [Gestures to the couch, and they sit down.] They could probably play with, uh, I don't know, how about the building blocks that Jack very, very rarely ever even touches?
Ron: You know, uh, Nathan is actually in the 90th percentile in height.
Dr. Cox: Jack's only in the 85th.
Ron: Aw.
Dr. Cox: Of course, he's in the 99th for head size.
Ron: Congratulations. Your son's the Hamburgler.
Dr. Cox: Head size is directly related to intelligence.
Ron: [Eying Jack uncertainly] Really?
While young Nathan builds a tower with the blocks, Jack sits with the bucket on his head.
Dr. Cox: Oh.... [Whistles] Jack, get the bucket off.
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Elliot sits listening to Carla, while Turk sulks, bored.
Carla: Oh! And Laverne told me that Nurse Tisdale is sleeping with that married albino radiologist.
Elliot: Oh, I feel so bad for his wife.
Carla: Elliot! It's not about empathy, it's about judging people.
Elliot: Can't we do something else? [A toe floats towards her face.] Look, I already said I don't want to play that game, Turk!
Turk: Okay, you know what, I vote Elliot goes home! Because she's all up in our space, honey! She's in our space!
Elliot: Oh, why? Because I don't want to dish about other people behind their backs or smell your toe?
Turk: Or finger!
Elliot: [Shrieking desperately] All I've seen so far is the toe, Turk!
Scene[]
DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT Jordan sees Ron and his son out.
Jordan: See you tomorrow, guys!
She comes back in to Perry, who inspects Nathan's block towers in disbelief.
Jordan: Look, Perry, we just have to accept Jack the way he is, love him unconditionally, and enroll him in some sort of block-building class.
Dr. Cox: Look at these things, Jordan.
Jordan: Yeah?
Dr. Cox: The color coordination, the--the symmetry. A two-year-old shouldn't be able to do this kind of stuff.
Jordan: What are you trying to say?
J.D.'s Narration: They say just admitting there's a problem is half the battle...
Meanwhile... J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Elliot sits on the couch between a melancholy Turk and Carla.
J.D.'s Narration: ...even if it's something you didn't expect...
Elliot: What is wrong with you guys?
Carla: We miss J.D.
Meanwhile... DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT Jordan waits for an answer.
J.D.'s Narration: The bottom line is, when the warning signs are right in front of you, there's no denying the truth.
Dr. Cox: Nathan has classic signs of Autism.
Act[]
HOSPITAL -- NURSES' STATION, THE NEXT DAY Elliot arrives, where Dr. Cox and Jordan talking.
Dr. Cox: Ron's kid doesn't make eye contact, he barely speaks, and he freaked out when you tried to cuddle him. I mean, hell, if he was an adult, he'd be, well...you know...me. But those behaviors in a child could point towards Autism. I think it's pretty obvious what we have to do.
Jordan: Grit our teeth, get through the weekend, never speak to Ron again?
Dr. Cox: Exactly.
They bump and grind fists in agreement.
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Elliot: [Coming over] I cannot believe what I just heard!
Dr. Cox: The tick-tocking of your biological clock leading you towards the corner of Celibate and Spinster Way?
Jordan: Sometimes it's great to already have a bastard child.
Dr. Cox: You said it.
Elliot: [Chewing out Cox] You know, it is our obligation as doctors to tell someone when there is a problem. [Chewing out Jordan] And I will bring a child into this world when I am good and ready, not when society dictates I must. Hm?
She heads back down the hall, stopping next to Jordan.
Elliot: [Deeply sniffing Jordan] Good God, you smell like baby.
She continues on.
Dr. Cox: [To Jordan] I've only actually met the child once, so I think it's pretty important that we figure out a way to spend some alone-time with him.
Jordan: Perry, if I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with someone else's child, it's gonna be with our neighbor's 17-year-old. And don't think he hasn't asked. [Lost in thought] Oh...Pablo. Mm.
She leaves.
Scene[]
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Carla and Turk are having breakfast at the table as J.D. and Rowdy come in the front door.
J.D.: Hello! Anybody home?
Carla:: J.D., we're right here!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Tell them you want to come back!
J.D.: I just came by to get my toothbrush.
Turk: [Pointing] Carla took your toothbrush out the bathroom and put it in the hall closet.
J.D.: [With Turk's pointing finger under his nose] Finger. [Looking] Bingo. [Heading off to find his toothbrush] Come on, Rowdy.
Carla: We should ask him back.
Turk: Baby, no. We're too proud. We are the proud Turks.
J.D.: [Coming back] Hey, guys! The heater's broken again.
Carla: What happened?
J.D.'s Thoughts: I clubbed it with a Mag-Lite.
J.D.: I could probably stay and fix it. It could take three, four, five days.
Turk: I did a triple bypass yesterday. I think I could fix the heater.
J.D.: Suit yourself. [Passing the photo on the wall] Bye, trumpet player I don't know. Now I understand why your music is so sad.
Cut to... HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS, LATER Using Rowdy as a pillow, J.D. tries to catch a nap in one of the chairs.
Janitor: So I hear you're homeless. I wanna volunteer, give you a place to stay.
J.D.: I don't think so, buddy.
Janitor: Listen, crash in my garage. I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.
- FANTASY***
JANITOR'S GARAGE J.D. takes the Janitor up on his offer, but awakes to a chittering sound -- it's raccoons, and his face is covered in a red goo. He dabs a finger in and tastes it.
- BACK TO REALITY***
J.D.: You're gonna slather jam on my face and sic a family of raccoons on me, aren't you!
Janitor: Damn it. I've become predictable.
J.D.: I'm out.
He gets up and leaves.
Janitor: [Calling after him] Oh, yeah? Well, from what I hear I'm your last option.
J.D.: Options?! I got cable TV and a dead dog! I got plenty of options!
Cut to... TED'S APARTMENT Ted opens the door to J.D.
Ted: Come on in. I've got a huge king bed. It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.
Cut to... LONNIE'S APARTMENT Lonnie, a bunch of kids around him, opens the door to J.D.
Lonnie: Sorry, bro. We're a little crowded tonight.
J.D.: Lonnie, you have three kids?
Lonnie: That I know of.
Cut to... APARTMENT Ed McMahon opens the door to J.D.
Ed McMahon: Yeah?
J.D.: Does Doug Murphy live here?
Ed McMahon: The pathologist?
J.D.: Yeah.
Ed McMahon: No. He moved out. Excuse me. I gotta go change somebody's life.
He grabs a giant million dollar check and heads down the hall.
J.D.: Okay.... But, Mr. McMahon, would you mind--
Ed McMahon: [From down the hall] Hi-ohhhhhhhhhhh!
J.D.: You are correct, sir!
Scene[]
HOSPITAL HALL Ron and Dr. Cox walk through.
Ron: So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Ron: Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Dr. Cox: Oh, bring it on, daddy.
J.D., now utterly desperate, stops them.
J.D.: Who needs a baby-sitter? I'll do it! You don't even have to pay me in cash, just pay me in hot showers. And you don't have to, like, wash me -- unless you want to, but that could be weird. I don't know.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I've got this one covered.
J.D.: Come on, you two are interracial best buddies. I, too, have a black best friend. Go out, enjoy it! Celebrate your uniqueness! I can do it!
Ron: I'm sorry. Did you just call me black? Because the last time I checked, the correct term was [air quotes] "African-American."
J.D.: Well, Turk lets me call him Brown Bear.
Ron: Who the hell is Turk?!
J.D.: I should go.
He escapes.
Dr. Cox: Angry black man. [Chuckling] It never disappoints.
Ron: I pull it out when I need to. [Chuckles.]
Dr. Cox: Well, what do you say?
Ron: Well, I do have a lot of work to get done.... You can watch Nate.
They shake on it.
Dr. Cox: You got it.
Lapse to... DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT Dr. Cox sits on the floor with Ron's son, who plays with blocks.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the worst thing is getting exactly what you want.
Dr. Cox: Nathan? Look at me. [Nothing.] Nathan. [Nathan is totally unresponsive.] Damn it.
Scene[]
J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Sweaty and miserable, Carla collapses next to Turk on the couch in their overheated living room.
Turk: Baby?
Carla: Hmm?
Turk: Could you get me a towel so I could wipe this sweat from my head?
Carla: They're all dirty, okay? J.D. used to wash them.
Turk: [Whining] It's so hot! When the hell is he gonna finish fixing the heater?!
Carla: It's okay! He's a professional -- I'm sure he's almost done.
The Janitor emerges from the back, a large pipe in hand.
Janitor: This...should not have been removed.
Scene[]
KYLIE'S APARTMENT Kylie welcomes J.D. and Rowdy in.
Kylie: Todd made you wear a banana hammock to bed?
J.D.: It was horrible. I kept imagining I was an Olympic diver.
Kylie: Well, it means a lot to me that you would go through all that just to respect my boundaries.
J.D.: Thanks, Kylie. I can just sleep on the couch.
Kylie: You don't have to crash on the couch.
She kisses him. He sneaks a peek at the bed.
- FANTASY***
There's that heavenly glow again.
- BACK TO REALITY***
Kylie goes over to the bed, throws the teddy bear off (J.D. imagines a scream), and slides onto it seductively.
Kylie: Well, Dr. Dorian, are you gonna join me?
J.D.'s Thoughts: I couldn't have planned it better.
He goes over and leans in to kiss her. Suddenly, there's a perfunctory knock on the door and Turk and Carla barge in.
Carla: J.D.! We're sorry. The door was unlocked, and we knew you'd be here. We want you back.
J.D.: [Gritting teeth] I don't want to come home. It took me a month to get here from the couch.
Kylie: Uh, J.D., maybe you should go home.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Get the moment back! Say something hot!
J.D.: Perhaps we could invite Turk and Carla to join us on the bed?
Turk starts to grin and nod, but Carla's glare changes his mind.
J.D.: I'll go.
Scene[]
HOSPITAL CAFETERIA Dr. Cox and Elliot walk in.
Elliot: I think it is so great that you're gonna talk to your friend. And I know it's gonna be hard, so if you need me, you just say the word and I will jump right in.
They stop in a front of a table where Ron is doing some paperwork.
Dr. Cox: I need to talk to you about Nathan.
Ron: That little guy's my life.
Elliot: I've gotta go.
She abandons Dr. Cox there.
Ron: What's up?
Dr. Cox: Ron, there is no easy way to do this, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I think Nathan is autistic.... And that's the real reason that I wanted to spend time with him today.
Ron: This is...this is unbelievable.
Dr. Cox: I know, but the good news here is that we found out early, so you can be as proactive as you--
Ron: No, no, no. You are unbelievable. I mean...you can't handle the fact that my kid is better than your kid at building blocks, so you tell me there's something wrong with him?! You know what, uh...why don't you just get the hell out of here, hmm?
Dr. Cox: That's just not gonna happen. No way.
He takes the other seat at the table. Ron sadly realizes this isn't a game.
Meanwhile... J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Turk and Carla lead J.D. back in.
J.D.'s Narration: At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't sleeping at Kylie's, but it was good to be home.
J.D.: I'm home! Hello, fridge. Good to see ya, lamp. Here I come, couch!
He skids across the table and onto the...floor?
J.D.: [From floor] You guys moved couch?
Turk helps him up.
J.D.'s Narration: It's always nice to let your friends know that you appreciate them.
Turk: I'm glad you're home, buddy.
Turk throws his arms around J.D. in a grateful hug.
J.D.: I missed you, my African-American friend.
Turk: Call me Brown Bear.
J.D.: Brown Bear.
Turk squeezes tighter.
Meanwhile... CAFETERIA Ron sits dumbfounded.
Dr. Cox: [Fishes a card from his pocket] This, uh...is a classmate of mine from medical school. He's located up in your area now. I think he'd really be able to help you.
J.D.'s Narration: But sometimes you just can't quite find words to show that appreciation.
Ron takes the card, and the two stand and walk out.
Ron: You know, uh...I just wanna say that, uh, I'm gonna handle this kid situation so much better than you ever could.
Dr. Cox: Oh, give me a break. I would kick your ass in situation-handling. I'm a doctor, for God sakes. And, for the record, the Vegas odds-makers are makin' Coxy a heavy favorite.
Ron: Well, then, I would just bet on me and make a bundle.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I probably would, too.
Meanwhile... J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Turk and Carla watch as J.D. finishes reinstalling his cable box and makes a discovery behind the TV.
J.D.: Aha! Behold, the Twinkie from the first day we moved in! I owe you an apology, Turk. Splitsies?
Turk: Of course.
J.D. tosses half the Twinkie to Turk.
Turk: [Offering it to Carla] Heh. Want some?
Carla: [Disgusted] No.
Turk: Okay, fine. More for me. [Eats it.]
Carla: So, Bambi, what's the deal with all the things you do around here?
J.D.: What do you mean? [Eats his half.]
Carla: The laundry, the fixing the radiator, the listening to me gossip and playing stupid games with Turk. How do you make yourself do all that stuff?
J.D.'s Narration: At the end of the day, the best thing to do for your friends is to be honest.
J.D.: [Takes a seat.] I don't know, I never really thought about it. I guess when you care about someone, you'll do whatever you can to make 'em happy. [Turk and Carla smile somewhat sickly at that.] You know what's funny? You guys couldn't go one week alone with each other without needing J. Dizzle around. What is up with that?
J.D.'s Narration: You just have to hope that your honesty doesn't make them realize something they didn't wanna know.
Carla: We're in trouble, aren't we.
Turk: Yeah.