5x2 interns at table

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Rite of Passage".

Scene 1

Open: OR. Turk is scrubbing up. J.D. enters.

J.D.: Hey, Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee, you want one?

Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.

J.D.'s Thoughts: The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear!

(J.D. picks Turk up over his shoulder and carries him in fast-motion to Dr. Cox in the Admissions Area)

Turk: Wahh! Dude! Oh God! Waahuh! NOOOO! Dude!

J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?

Turk: A small one-pump mocha?

J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Hello! Huh, huh, huh, huh.

(J.D. laughs, but no one else does)

Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed.

J.D.: It was worth it!

(J.D. and Turk exit. Jordan enters.)

Jordan: Let's go, Per!

Dr. Cox: I've been waiting for an hour.

Jordan: I know! I was leafing through a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part was when you said, "Screw her!" and you stormed out and then you came back because you realized I have the keys!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, now that you work here everyday, if the carpool torturing persists, I am going to put a Plexiglass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy; you can't, you can't, you can't! Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out. However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take...

(Jordan exits without Dr. Cox noticing.)

Dr. Cox: Jordaroo?

(Cut to security camera room. Jordan is watching Dr. Cox on the monitor.)

Dr. Cox: Hello?

Jordan: [singing to herself] I'm in here! You can't see me!

Dr. Cox: JORDAN!! Oh...

(Cut to Elliot's hospital. Elliot boards an elevator with a cup of coffee.)

J.D.'s Narration: Not everyone was in hell at their jobs. In fact, there was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital: Charlie, her co-fellow.

(Charlie drops into view, upside down, apparently hanging from the elevator ceiling with a wicked grin, unseen by Elliot. Cut to outside of the elevator, Elliot can be heard screaming, terrified. A splatter is heard. Elevator door opens and Elliot steps off, with coffee all down her front.)

Elliot: Good morning, Charlie.

Charlie: Uh, you wanna work on the osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?

Elliot: Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you popped out of that HAZMAT bin. I work alone and you have somebody else's blood on your neck. Take a shower, man.

Charlie: Fine. I'll just go.

(Charlie exits. Elliot turns around a screams when she sees Charlie standing behind her in a freakish pose.)

Charlie: Yes! That -- is an intern in a bald cap.

("Charlie" removes a bald cap and waves.)

Elliot: I hate you, Charlie.

(Charlie smirks and gives the intern a thumbs up. Then exits. Cut to Admissions Area. J.D. and his interns are in a huddle.)

J.D.: Hippocratic Oath on three! One! Two! Three!

All: First, do no harm!

J.D.: There it is! All right, kick some ass today, guys.

(Interns exit, Keith and Jason high-five.)

J.D.: Except for Mr. Woodson in 302, he's got that rectal tear.

(Dr. Kelso enters.)

Dr. Kelso: You seem to be developing quite the rapport with your interns.

J.D.: We even spent this weekend building a house for the homeless.

Dr. Kelso: How'd that go?

(Flashback to a construction site. J.D. and all the interns are wearing hardhats, blue t-shirts and jeans, except Rex, who is wearing a hardhat, shorts, a white, collared shirt and tie. Rex splatters yellow paint all over J.D. Everyone laughs.)

J.D.: Nice!

(J.D. passes a running circular saw over Rex's chest, cutting off his tie and lacerating him. J.D. laughs, then notices the laceration and moves to help. Cut back to Admissions Area)

J.D.: In my defense, who wears a tie to a construction site?

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: I believe in team-building, too, Newbie and I'd make my interns agree with me, but they're in a timeout right now because one of them used the phrase "Let's rock and roll."

(Dr. Cox's interns are standing in a corner, facing the wall.)

Dr. Kelso: Son, when you're an intern you get treated like crap and when you're in a position of power, you do the same thing to them. It's inevitable. Like the tide. Or the awkward toast I'm going to have to give someday at my son's big, gay wedding. Mark my words, eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.

J.D.: Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight. I gotta rock and roll.

Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon.

(Cut to J.D.: standing with Dr. Cox's interns in time out.)

J.D.: I'm an attending!

Dr. Cox: Tell it to the wall, Newbie!


Scene 2

Open: Hallway. Janitor is fixing a fluorescent light on a ladder. Another man in a maintenance uniform stands nearby. J.D. enters.)

J.D.: Huh, huh, huh, huh. The answer's two!

Janitor: What?

J.D.: How many janitors does it take to change a light bulb? Two.

Janitor: OK, that didn't make any sense. Hank's an electrician. And you are not funny.

J.D.: I'm very funny. Earlier, I made a killer one-pump mocha joke and everybody laughed.

Janitor: I bet that nobody laughed, but you didn't notice that because you were too busy doing that cocky self-laugh thing you do when you think you're being funny.

(Flashback to earlier that day in the Admissions Area.)

J.D: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Huh, huh, huh, huh.

(End flashback. Cut back to hallway.)

J.D.: Huh, huh, huh. Any-who, have a good one, Lurch.

(J.D. walks to the cafeteria.)

J.D.'s Narration: I had to skedaddle, because today was burger day in the cafe and that meant one thing: 75 hungry employees and one bottle of ketchup.

(J.D. walk by Ted and takes the ketchup bottle off his table as Ted reaches for it. J.D. sits down with Elliot, Carla and Turk.)

J.D.: Got the ketchup.

Turk: And here is your burger.

Elliot: Aw, frick, I forgot my burger.

(Elliot exits.)

Turk: No, she didn't!

(Turk takes a giant bite out of two burgers. He and J.D. laugh.)

J.D.: Hey how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?

Carla: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.

Turk: How would we embarrass her?

Carla: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk fever."

Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.

J.D.: It's true. I even had it.

Carla: Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?

(Turk and J.D. appear as Siamese twins, wearing one shirt, one lab coat and a long stethoscope.)

Turk: You mean multi-ethnic Siamese doctor? Bite, please!

J.D.: Here it is.

(J.D. feeds Turk a bite of his burger.)

Turk: Mmmm.

J.D.: Mmmm. That's headed right to our joint colon.

Carla: Yeah, I think I've made my point.

J.D.: So tell me something, Carla, has she invited you to her new hospital?

Turk and J.D.: Hmmmm?

J.D.: Victory sip!

(J.D. sips his drink.)

Turk: Ahhh.

(Dr. Cox stands up behind them.)

Dr. Cox: Daphne, ketchup!

(Turk and J.D. toss the ketchup bottle to Dr. Cox. Jordan enters.)

Jordan: Is this seat taken?

(Ted reaches in between Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox and takes the ketchup bottle.)

Dr. Kelso: Ketchup is for winners, Ted.

(Ted hands the bottle back.)

Dr. Cox: Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.

Jordan: Yeah, I usually pretend we're doing something else.

(Dr. Kelso laughs and Jordan takes this opportunity to seize the ketchup bottle.)

Dr. Kelso: Damn it!

(Jordan sits with Carla, Turk and J.D.)

Jordan: I am your new friend, so suck it.

(J.D. and Carla stand)

J.D.: I gotta go talk to my boys.

Carla: Oh, and I have to go talk to Elliot.

Turk: No wait, don't leave me!

Jordan: So, I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: the night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation, yeah. Oh, and he was choking me! GHKHKH! Oh, it was good.

Turk: Oookay. I'm just...

(Turk crams his burger into his mouth. J.D. stands from another table.)

J.D.: My boys need some ketchup!

(Jordan throws the bottle to him. J.D. sits and half a dozen outstretched hands with burgers reach to J.D.)

J.D.: That's a lot of boys. Rex gets first dibs because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.

Elliot: J.D., ketchup!

(J.D. throws the ketchup across the room to Elliot before doling out the ketchup. Elliot opens it with her teeth.)

Elliot: I gotta get back to my hospital.

Carla: I was thinking I'd come by there and visit you tomorrow.

Elliot: Tomorrow's not great, but we'll definitely do it sometime. You know, um, in the future, heh.

(Cut to Elliot's hospital. Carla is chatting with a group of doctors.)

Carla: So, we were out having Mexican food and drinking margaritas--

Elliot: [Interrupting] Carla? What are you doing here?.

Carla: Hey, Elliot! Let me just finish telling them the story. We were at this tiny little ATM machine...

(Flashback to ATM machine where Carla and Elliot are in line with several other men in suits.)

Elliot: Ugh. I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga. I have to, you know...

Carla: Hmm?

Elliot: Fff-fff.

Carla: Oh. [whispering] Well go for it. There's mostly guys here, they'll never think it was you.

(Elliot shifts uncomfortably and squeaks to cover her passing gas.)

Guy In Line: I think that blonde girl just farted.

(End flashback.)

Carla: Remember that, Elliot?

Elliot: Yeah. I remember. Ha ha.

(Cut to Nurse's Station. Turk is doing paperwork as Todd and Ted ogle a pair of busty nurses)

Ted: Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.

Todd: Hey! They have names!

(Camera focuses on nurses' chests as Todd points to each breast.)

Todd: Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr. Snuggles.

Laverne: Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.

Jordan: What are you guys talking about?

Turk: Oh, we were just...

(A rushing sound is heard. Turk turns around and Laverne, Todd and Ted have vanished.)

Turk: Guess they all had someplace to be!

Jordan: Just go!

Turk: Okay!

(Turk exits, and a patient with an IV stand enters.)

Patient: Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter. I have had someone else's fingers in four, count 'em, four different

Jordan: Oh! Must be your birthday.

(The patient is lost for words. Cut to J.D. leading his interns through the hallway.)

J.D.: OK, gang I'll meet you up in radiology to talk about Mr. Heath's CAT scan. His tumor's getting so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.

(Obligatory laughter from his interns as they exit. J.D. continues laughing.)

Janitor: Not funny.

J.D.: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?

Janitor: Yes, and you're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

J.D.: Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?

Janitor: Wake up and smell the third-floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years. Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.

(Janitor motions for J.D. to turn around, and a montage begins.)


Dr. Kelso: I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

Doctor: [forced laughter]

Doctor: I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud!

Laverne: [forced laughter]

Doctor: Oh, yeah.


Laverne: I was going to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

Cafeteria worker: [forced laughter]

(Hospital Exterior)

Cafeteria worker: I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.

Homeless Guy: [forced laughter] Good one.

Homeless Guy: You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl.

Dog: [barks]

Janitor: You get it now? Your relationship with your interns is a sham.

J.D.: That dog just laughed at a pun.

(Cut to patient's room. The patient settles into his bed.)

Patient: Ooh, not gonna lie, that hurts. Not gonna lie, that hurts. Tell me about your kid.

Jordan: Oh, how did you know I was a mom?

Patient: As a parent myself, I can read the signs, you know? And let us not forget the understated coffee mug we're carrying.

(Jordan is holding a large mug with a photo of Jack and the words "JACK'S MOM" on it.)

Jordan: Ah.

(Cut to Turk and Dr. Cox outside of the patient's room.)

Turk: How do I know that guy?

Dr. Cox: Maybe you used to date him.

Turk: Oh, that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow. That's good.

Dr. Cox: I'm tired. Maybe he's from the International Pretentious Association and he's here to remove your goatee.

Turk: [Winces]

(Cut to Jordan.)

Jordan: So, what do you have? A boy or a girl?

Patient: I have a little girl. I don't get to see her often enough. See, um...I don't know, a few years ago I had a little, business problem.

Jordan: What was your business?

Patient: Import-export. Yeah, I would import heroin into my bloodstream. I would export vomit, urine in, uh, whatever alley would have me as a guest. [laughs]

Jordan: Oh, sorry. That's the little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone.

Patient: [voice breaking] Anyway, the thing is, it's Jenny's sixth birthday on Monday, and uh, I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it. It's uh, it's hard to get a job. You know, money's tight. I've got hospital bills that I can't pay.

Jordan: Sam, I am so sorry.

Patient: [near tears] Yeah...

(Cut to Turk and Dr. Cox. Turk takes a closer look at the patient.)

Turk: I know who he is!

(Flashback to Elliot and the same patient a few years ago.)

Elliot: Just one little problem...

Patient: OH MY GOD, just give me the drugs, 'kay, lady? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle...

(End Flashback)

Turk: That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds.

(Laverne, Todd, Ted and others appear out of nowhere.)

Laverne: Just got interesting, people!

(Cut to J.D. in a hallway.)

J.D.'s Narration: The Janitor was wrong. My interns weren't laughing at my jokes just because I'm their boss. It made me think about how some people don't want to just open the door...

(J.D. pushes open the door to an office with his foot)

J.D.'s Narration: ...walk in, and see the truth.

(Enter Elliot and Carla)

Elliot: Why did you come here Carla?

Carla: You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job?

Doctor #1: Hey Bankfarter, if you want, we're all going down for lunch.

Elliot: You tell me.

(Cut to Turk outside the patient's room)

J.D.'s Narration: After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people.

Turk: That guy has conned damn near everyone in this hospital. I've got to warn her.

(Turk knocks on the glass.)

Turk: Jordan...whoa!

(Dr. Cox grabs Turks lip and pulls him down to the floor beside him. The large group of onlookers breaks up and pretends to be doing other things. Jordan looks around and shrugs.)

Dr. Cox: [whispering] She wanted to work here, so let her see what it's like to work here. And for God's sake, will you be a man?

(Cut to J.D. in ICU)

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was. Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.

J.D.: How funny is this joke? That patient's tumor is so big, it's starting to look like a three-mor. Huh, huh, huh.

(Keith appears and laughs forcibly)

Keith: Three-mor! You are hilarious, Dr. D!

Turk: Awful. It's awful. Awful.

Scene 3

Open: Doctor's Lounge. J.D.'s interns are assembled for a talk from J.D. J.D. paces.

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, be cool. They're just kids. Except Gloria. What is her deal?

(Gloria, an elderly woman, waves)

J.D.: OK, guys, let's talk for a second as equals, all right? Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope, and my little name tag, I'm not a doctor right now.

Lisa: You're still wearing scrubs.

(J.D. rips off his scrubs top.)

Rex: We are in a hospital, man.

(Cut to parking lot, outside the gate.)

J.D.: OK, we're off the property. Now let's talk.

Jason: Shouldn't we wait for Gloria?

(Gloria is walking slowly through the parking lot towards them.)

Gloria: Coming!

J.D.: We'll catch her up later. Have you guys been fake laughing at my jokes? Be honest. I promise, absolutely no ramifications.

Keith: Well, we've been kind of fake laughing.

J.D.: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.

Keith: Look! Your jokes kinda suck and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.

J.D.: Unbelievable. From now on, there 's absolutely no laughing at my jokes unless they're particularly hysterical! Talk about your mission impossibles, huh, huh, huh, huh.

Janitor: (wearing a security guard uniform) Case closed.

J.D.: What is it with you and the costumes today?

Janitor: I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.

Gloria: I'm -- I'm here!

J.D.: (to himself) Gloria.

(Cut to Elliot's office)

Elliot: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because, well...Look, there's so much great about you. You're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos.

Carla: Elliot, bring it.

Elliot: You're a bit of a gossip.

Carla: So? I'm interested in people's stories.

Elliot: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname.

Carla: Bankfarter's not so bad, it sounds German.

Elliot: (In German) Don't make fun of my people, Carla!!

(Doctor #2 enters.)

Doctor #2: Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for OI. He basically cured the disease.

Elliot: How did he have any time to work when he was always torturing me?!

Doctor #2: Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter. Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.

(Doctor #2 exits.)

Elliot: Frick. Frick-frick-frick-frick-frick-frickity-frick-FRICK-FRICK!! Frick.

(Cut to Sam's room. Jordan enters as Sam is finishing getting dressed. Jordan closes the door.)

Jordan: I'm not sure how people go about doing nice things, but here.

(She holds up a wad of cash.)

Jordan: You should be there for your daughter's birthday.

Sam: I can't take that.

Jordan: Come on. I can't even Botox an ear with this.

(Cut to outside of Sam's room. Dr. Cox is watching from the door. Sam takes the money.)

Dr. Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody cries like Sammy. He leads off with the chin quiver...

(Sam's chin quivers)

Dr. Cox: Then he goes right to the look-away.

(Sam looks away from Jordan.)

Dr. Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!

(Sam breaks down.)

Dr. Cox: And then, finally, he squeezes out one single tear.

(Dr. Cox fake cries and applauds with the audience of doctors and nurses watching. Jordan and Sam hug. Turk shakes his head.)

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality crack-addict theater!

Turk: I can't watch this.

Laverne: Then move your big, bald, biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

(Turk exits. Cut to Hospital Roof.)

J.D.: This is a little trust exercise that I really think is gonna connect us again. Remove your blindfolds, please.

(Cut to the interns, standing at the edge of the roof, removing blindfolds.)

J.D.: See your death, see your death, see your death...

(J.D. pushes Lisa, Jason and Rex off in turn.)

J.D.: Keith...

(Keith turns around)

J.D.: Don't worry, buddy. We're cool.

Keith: Really?

J.D.: No! See your death.

(J.D. pushes Keith off the roof.)

Keith: (as he flips backwards off the roof) No! But I looked up to you!

(Cut to J.D. in the Admissions Area. The preceding scene was a fantasy. J.D. sees his interns chatting and joking on the other side of the room.)

J.D.: Hey! Why don't guys go upstairs and do some work!

(Interns scatter.)

J.D.: And for God's sake, will somebody wake up Gloria?

(Keith nudges Gloria. She stands up and waves at J.D.)

J.D.: OK, enough waving. You wave too much. You abuse waving. Go!

Dr. Kelso: There it is, just like I said. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ah!

(Dr. Kelso exits. Gloria waves at J.D.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Gloria.

(Cut to Elliot's office. She is packing things in her office into boxes.)

Elliot: I can't believe I don't have a job!

Carla: Is that even yours?

Elliot: I need your support right now, Carla! Carla, you can not tell Turk and J.D. about this until I get back on my feet again.

Carla: Why? They'll just feel bad for you.

Elliot: No, they'll be merciless. Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.

(Carla exits, looking very nervous. Cut to Admissions Area. Carla enters, still looking nervous. She walks through, getting questioned by doctors.)

Dr. Kelso: Where've you been?

Carla: Nowhere!

Dr. Mickhead: What are you doing?

Carla: Nothing!

Janitor: Where's Blonde Doctor?

Carla: Geez!

Laverne: What's the dish?

Carla: I gotta go.

(She starts to walk out the door. Turk grabs her arm to stop her.)

Turk: Hey!

Carla: No hablo inglés! (I don't speak English!)

Turk: Oh my God, you got that little bit of saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!

Carla: No, I don't.

(Carla begins shifting uncomfortably, looking fit to burst.)

Turk: Here it comes! YES?

Carla: OK! Here's the scoop!

Turk: Yes! Here is the scoop indeed.

Carla: You gotta promise not to tell.

Turk: I know...

(They exit. The lighting changes to indicate the passage of some time. Jordan enters. She sees Sam, hiding his face, handcuffed to a chair next to a policeman.)

Jordan: Sam, what are you doing back here?

Sam: Hey, lamb chop, uh, crazy story. I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident and thank God I'm alive, I hugged him and then...

(he jiggles the handcuffs.)

Sam: ...aaargh, rrrroo, ha ha.

Dr. Kelso: Jordan. Ah, this is one of our most famous con-artists-slash-drug-addicts.

Sam: Nice to see you, sir.

Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton! You've dealt with him before.

Sam: Hey, dude.

Dr. Kelso: Why didn't you tell her?

Turk: Because he told me not to!

(Turk indicates Dr. Cox. They begin looking forcibly cheerful)

Dr. Cox: [pause] This is gonna cost you.

Turk: Get off my back, I'm not in the mood. Whoa!

(J.D. rushes in and picks up Turk and carries him to the bar where Carla is sitting.)

J.D.: OK, say it again!

Turk: Get off my back, I'm not in the mood?

J.D.: That's what she said! Zoom, zoom, zoom!

(They sit with Carla. Elliot enters and sits.)

Elliot: OK. I'm sure you know about, go ahead. Take your shots!

(J.D. and Turk exchange looks)

Turk: You've got bug-eyes.

J.D.: Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.

Elliot: That's all you have to say?

(Turk and J.D. nod)

Elliot: Excuse us.

(Elliot and Carla go outside.)

Elliot: Oh my God, you kept my secret!

Carla: I know! I almost told them, too, but I didn't. Because I love you.

Elliot: Carla, I love you, too!

(They laugh and jump up and down excitedly.)

Carla: Oh, I had to tell Turk something, so you smoke a pipe now.

(She pulls a pipe out of her pocket and gives it to Elliot.)

Elliot: Oh! Coolio!

(They run back inside. Turk and J.D. are playing Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor again, wearing a large red sweater. They sigh dramatically as Elliot and Carla sit down)

Carla: What's wrong?

Turk & J.D.: Well...

J.D.: We were gonna do "multi-ethnic Siamese doctor has a Fresca," but then Turk started getting on my case about my interns.

Turk: He's mad because they're sucking up to him and I was saying, "Dude, that's the exact same thing you did with Dr. Cox."

J.D.: You know what? Put our right hand in front of your face. Now talk to it!

Elliot: J.D., he's right. If you want to be a jerk attending too, go ahead. But don't do it because they resent you. That's not fair.

Turk: Dude, get up, I gotta go to the bathroom.

(Turk and J.D. get up and walk to the bathroom, wearing three legged pants.)

J.D.'s Narration: As I stood up to go to the men's room with Turk, praying he only had to go one-sies, I thought about the different methods people use to teach.

(Cut to Sam's room. He is laying on the bed, looking at Jordan who glares back at him, arms crossed.)

Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money, or skip the middleman all together and actually give him narcotics. So I went ahead and brought your ATM card and a, uh, heroin sandwich.

(Dr. Cox takes a bite from a sandwich he just produced from his pocket.)

Dr. Cox: It's not heroin. It's smoked turkey.

Jordan: So, you thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit. Is that it?

Carla: So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you. Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.

Laverne: When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kid. Last time I ever saw that IROC. Hm.

Turk: Remember that meningitis patient that stole your identity?

J.D.: Darryl! He's cool. From now on he's only going to use my credit card for emergencies!

Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.

Jordan: Oh, my God, you actually did something nice for me!

Dr. Cox: No, no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

Jordan: Cute.

(Jordan kisses Dr. Cox. Cut to cafeteria. J.D.'s interns goof off at lunch: Gloria is asleep. Rex and Keith sword-fight with knives. Jason and Lisa play paper-football. They stop and look at J.D.)

J.D.'s Narration: I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.

Keith: Did we do something wrong Dr. Dorian?

J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You're doing a good job.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.

J.D.: You know what? I want the laughter back!

Interns: [forced laughter]

J.D.: And you know what, I liked it when you waved, you were always waving...Why don't all of you just wave? All right.

J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, you can deal with anything, as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with you.

(J.D. sits with Laverne, Carla and Turk. Jordan approaches, looking hopeful. Turk slides a chair out for her. She sits.)

Jordan: Hey, guys. What's going on?

J.D.'s Narration: I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own.

(Cut to Elliot sitting on a bench reading the paper over a man's shoulder. He stands up to leave.)

Elliot: Excuse me, um, could I just borrow your help-wanted section? Thank you.

(He hands it to her and exits. Elliot sits by herself reading the paper and puffing on her pipe.)



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