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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Porcelain God".


HOSPITAL -- HALL -- MORNING J.D. is leisurely walking through.

J.D.'s Narration: I'm running a little late this morning, but that's okay because I've been working with Dr. Casey the last few weeks. You see, he has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder; and he likes to start each day the same way...

He enters... PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Casey is with the patient.

Dr. Casey: [touching various items in the room] Bink. Bink. Bink. Bink, bink bink...

He continues touching and "binking" but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: ...by touching everything in his first patient's room.

Dr. Casey: ...Bink, bink, bink, bink. Bink. Bink. Bink. Bink.

He "binks" a jar of tongue depressors and opens it up...

Dr. Casey: [touching each depressor] Bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink...

He continues binking as Dr. Kelso enters.

Dr. Kelso: Good morning, doctors.

J.D.'s Narration: He touches everything.

Dr. Casey: [touching Dr. Kelso's nose] Bink.

Dr. Kelso: Oh. Okay. I suppose that's how they say good morning in Cuckoo Town.

Dr. Casey: Pretty much. Bink.

Dr. Kelso: Now. Your patients on this wing have all been complaining about odd noises.

Dr. Casey: Oh, if it's a "bink" I can explain.

Dr. Kelso: It isn't "bink"! Stop saying "bink"!

J.D.: Was it [singing] "I come from the land down under! Where women glow and men plunder!" That wasn't me.

Dr. Kelso: Just figure it out, dammit!

He leaves.

Dr. Casey: Do you plunder?

J.D.: I have been known to plunder. What's that noise he's talking about?

A huge flush is heard above.

Cut to... ROOF J.D. and Casey stand with the Janitor, facing a toilet mounted up here.

Janitor: That, my friends, is a roof toilet.

Dr. Casey: I'm sorry, you said that like it's a normal thing.

J.D.: [quiet, to Casey] Be careful with this guy, he's uh....

Janitor: Hey! You're the guy that's been using up all my soap!

Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've got OCD.

Janitor: Really!? My grandpa had that. Every morning he'd take a gym sock, fill it up with nickels, and just beat us! [laughs] That's OCD, right?

J.D.: The bad kind.

Dr. Casey: [cautiously approaching the toilet] Who would use this thing?

Janitor: You kiddin'? [chuckles] Oh, man! Just picture yourself, you're standing out here, in the open air, then you sit down [sits on toilet] and you take stock of your life. I've had some major epiphanies on this old girl. See, you can't do any soul-searching down there on those germ-infested crappers.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn him. He's right.

Janitor: Listen, pal. [clears throat, gets up and walks over to J.D.] I don't want you telling anybody about my epiphany toilet.

J.D.: Who'm I gonna tell?

The Janitor notices Casey tentatively reaching towards the toilet.

Janitor: Ehp! Don't even think about it!

Cut to... CAFETERIA -- A BIT LATER J.D., Elliot, Turk, and Carla are having lunch.

J.D.: And get this: He calls it his "epiphany toilet"!

Elliot: Yeah, you couldn't pay me to poop on the roof.

Turk: No one's offering.

J.D.: [to Elliot] You're like Dr. Casey. I think he said using that toilet would be like his Everest.


J.D. and Dr. Casey stand looking at the toilet, Casey's hand on J.D.'s shoulder for security.

Dr. Casey: Using that toilet would be my Everest.

J.D. reaches up and covers Casey's hand with his own. Dr. Casey then sandwiches J.D.'s hand with his other.

J.D.: Yep, that's what he said.

Turk and Carla have a hushed conversation.

Turk: Huh.

Carla: Ask him.

Turk: Why?

Carla: J.D.!

Turk: Huh?

Carla: Turk wants to ask you something, and it would mean a lot to the both of us if you said yes.

Heads together, she and Turk eye J.D. expectantly.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God! _Would_ I have a threesome with Turk and Carla? Well, it's certainly flattering, and I don't think they'd tell anyone....

Turk: [grinning] Will you be my best man?

J.D.: [disappointed] Oh.

Turk: Huh?

J.D.: I mean, YEAH! Of course!

He leaps up from the table, and Turk does likewise. They hug excitedly.

Turk: Hell yeah, you will!

J.D.: Thank you so much!

Turk: You're my buddy! Yeah!

Elliot: So is this, like, the best moment you guys have ever had?


J.D. pours himself a bowl of cereal and picks the prize out of the bowl.

J.D.: A decoder ring! Heh.

He continues pouring, and another prize is heard hitting the bowl. He digs it out.


Turk arrives from the other room.

Turk: What?

J.D.: [holding up both prizes] It finally happened!

Turk: [in awe] A double-prizer?

They shout excitedly and bounce bellies.

Turk and J.D. look off in the distance recalling the memory.

Turk: That was awesome.

Carla: You guys realize you're doctors, right?

J.D.: Double secret decoder ring-wearing doctors.

They hold out their fists, displaying their matching decoder rings.

J.D. &: [touching rings] ACTIVATE! Turk

J.D.: Form of an ice menorah!



EMPTY HOSPITAL HALL J.D. steadies himself atop a gurney as Turk pushes it through.

J.D.'s Narration: The reason I'm gurney surfing -- aside from the fact that it's totally bitchin' -- is that Kelso shut down this whole wing.

Turk: Dude, I gotta go.

He lets go of the gurney, sending it whizzing towards an overhanging direction sign.

J.D.: Oh, no!

J.D. can't clear the sign, and whacks his head into it, wiping out.

Turk: Oh!

Cut to... ADMISSIONS J.D. enters, a large red mark on his forehead.

J.D.'s Narration: You see, a census said that hospital admissions dropped in February.

He looks around the area full of sick and injured people.

J.D.'s Narration: The census...was wrong.

Carla runs up to Dr. Kelso with a pile of folders in hand.

Carla: Dr. Kelso! Where are we gonna fit these people? They're all sick!

Dr. Cox comes up next to her, to back up this concern.

Dr. Kelso: It's not my job to take care of sick people.

Dr. Cox: [pointing] "Bob Kelso -- Healer"

Dr. Kelso: Closing that wing saves us about sixty thousand dollars a month. You got that on you?


I.C.U. -- HALL J.D. walks through.

J.D.'s Narration: It's weird how much Dr. Casey has influenced me in such a short time.

J.D.: [tapping Nurse Roberts] Bink!

Nurse Roberts: Hey! Bink you!

He arrives at... NURSES' STATION Turk and Elliot are watching Todd laboriously write something.

J.D.'s Narration: And it wasn't just me. Dr. Casey has affected everyone.

J.D.: What's he doing?

Elliot: He's writing Dr. Casey a thank-you card.

Todd: I could use a little help here.

Turk: Todd, surgeon is spelled "-g-e-o-n"? And, uh...there are two Ds in "Todd".

Todd: [correcting his card] Yeah....

Dr. Cox sticks his head out of one of the patient's room, emitting a sharp whistle. The residents look over at him.

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, does [whistles] mean stare at me like jackasses or does it mean get the hell over here?

Elliot and J.D. rush over.

They enter... PATIENT'S ROOM The unconscious man lies in his bed, with Dr. Cox administering treatment.

Dr. Cox: All right, then. Mr. Tanaka here is fatiguing and he needs to be intubated. Any questions?

J.D.: Yeah, Turk has asked me to be his best man. You got any advice?

Dr. Cox: Nuh-no. No. I don't. Not at this moment.

He leaves as Elliot prepares the patient for treatment.

Elliot: You know what sucks? Everyone keeps talking about how Dr. Casey has helped them, and he doesn't even know I exist!

She inserts the tube down the patient's throat and begins squeezing the bulb to deliver oxygen.

J.D.: So introduce yourself.

Elliot: I haven't seen him all day. He's probably off trying to help figure out some procedure that's gonna help save humanity!


Dr. Casey continues staring down the toilet.

Dr. Casey: Why can't I sit on you!? Why?

J.D.: Probably.

Dr. Cox comes back.

Dr. Cox: Newbie! It turns out I, uh, I do have some best man advice. Go easy on the mascara in case you cry during your toast. And if you're gonna chase after the bouquet with all of the other girls, make sure you kick off your pumps so you don't snap one of those chicken ankles of yours.

J.D.: Thanks. Thanks for coming back.

Dr. Cox looks over at the patient.

Dr. Cox: Barbie. Are you sure you went into his lungs? 'Cause it looks like you're blowing up his stomach.

He goes over and checks the patient's stats.

Dr. Cox: Aw, dammit, his O2 sat's dropping. Get out of the way, honey; come on.

He pushes her out of the way, and she and J.D. watch in stunned silence as Dr. Cox corrects the intubation.

J.D.'s Narration: Even if you've done a procedure five thousand times, there's no guarantee you won't screw up number five thousand, one.

Dr. Cox: A few more seconds, we would have been coding this guy. Take that.

She takes the bulb again and resumes squeezing.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, as hard as it is to remember, but _air_ goes in _the lungs_.

He leaves, and J.D. follows behind.

J.D.: Can I practice my toast on you?

Dr. Cox: No.

J.D.: I'm opening with a quote from 'Spartacus'.


TAILOR SHOP J.D. and Turk are trying on tuxes. Turk has his red cummerbund up under his arms.

J.D.: [adjusting Turk's cummerbund] Actually it...goes a little lower.

Turk: I don't know why Carla wants me to wear a cummerbund, let alone a red one.

J.D.: Well, come on. As your best man, trust me, it's not about the style, it's about the fit. When you're out there on the dance floor, you don't want any restrictions, okay? Let's test these babies out one more time.

Turk: Okay, ready? Five, six, seven, eight.

Turk leads a dance.

Turk: And one, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight. And drop it, right, it's hot.

They lower down towards the floor, butts together.

J.D.: It _is_ hot!

Turk: Put one hand on the floor!

J.D.: I can't reach!

Turk: You better feel the burn!

J.D.: I can feel it burning!

The tailor comes in to see this.

Tailor: Where I grew up, they didn't allow two men to marry.

J.D. and Turk quickly stand back up and mutter some manly excuses.

J.D.: Well, we grew up in [mutters]... Turk: Well, shoot, I grew up in the 'hood [mutters]... J.D.: ...There you gotta do things like test suits out... Turk: ...That's right.

Turk: I'ma go change.

He heads back into the changing room. J.D. steps up to the tailor.

J.D.: Uh.... I'm the best man. Do you have any advice for me to give my friend?

Tailor: Just remind him over and over that the wedding is all about what the woman wants.

J.D.: Yeah, I'll make sure and do that. Now, as the best man, don't you think my tux should stand out from the other groomsmen?

Tailor: What did you have in mind?


Turk and Carla are at the altar.

Priest: The ring, please?

Turk: [to J.D.] You got the ring?

He looks over to J.D. who is dressed like a pimp from a Vegas show -- all silver sequins. He holds up his hand, adorned with dozens of decoder rings.

J.D.: It's got to be one of these!

J.D.: Oh, I've got ideas.


I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S CUBICLE Elliot and Carla are treating a patient, all the monitors in the room beeping wildly.

Carla: He's crashing. He needs to be intubated!

She pushes the equipment into Elliot's hands, but Elliot, freaked out, spins around to the main part of the unit, looking for someone to save her.

Elliot: Dr. Cox!

He rushes in and takes the equipment from her.

Dr. Cox: Oh, that's just dandy. I got a billion patients and no rooms, and I got Newbie pestering me for advice on how to be the best woman at Turtlehead's wedding, and I got a resident who can't do a simple procedure even though she learned it the first week she was here.

He intubates, and the patient is stabilized.

Elliot: I'm sorry, Dr. Cox. I don't know what to do.

Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what to do: Get the hell out of here.

She leaves as Dr. Cox hands the equipment back to Carla.

Dr. Cox: I swear to God, Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way, please just go ahead and extract some of that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins!

Dr. Kelso arrives and taps Perry on the shoulder.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, ace! I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room. [gestures to the Hispanic man in the wheelchair a few feet away] He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass, my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.

Dr. Cox: Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump!

Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? [raises thumbs, pointing inwards] Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

He goes off, leaving Hector.

Dr. Cox: [smiling miserably] Hector. Uh-heh. Cómo sea.


HALL J.D. and Turk are walking through, on their way back to work.

J.D.: Oh, man, this is amazing. I'm your best friend, now I'm your best man. What am I gonna be best at next?

Turk: How about best at not talking?

J.D.'s Thoughts: One one thousand, two one thousand.... And now I'm best at that!

The Janitor spots them walking by.

Janitor: Hey!

They freeze at the voice behind them.

J.D.: Me or him?

Janitor: You.

Turk: [walking on] Cool.

J.D.: [turns] What now?

Janitor: Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?

J.D.: No, why?

Behind them, Ted emerges from the door to the roof, a newspaper under his arm, humming.

Janitor: Where're you coming from?

Ted the Lawyer: Uhhh....

Over the Janitor's shoulder, J.D. shakes his head wildly indicating to not tell.

Ted the Lawyer: ...No...

He pointedly walks off.

Ted the Lawyer: [passing J.D.] Hm?

The Janitor turns back to J.D. as Ted walks down the hall, grumbling vaguely as he struggles to remove some toilet paper hanging from the back of his pants.

Janitor: If I find out you told anybody, I'm gonna beat you with poppy's old nickel sock.

J.D.: First of all, why would I tell anyone? And secondly, no one has epiphanies on the john!

Meanwhile... ROOF Dr. Cox is on the john. Heavenly music plays as he lifts his head with realization.

Dr. Cox: Of course! It's so simple!

Cut to... HECTOR'S ROOM Carla is treating the patient. Dr. Cox enters.

Dr. Cox: Oh, Carla, good. Would you tell Hector here that he can stay just as long as he likes?

Carla: Aye-aye, captain.

She approaches Hector.

Carla: [translating] Dice medigo...

She continues translating, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: When two people collide, a lot of things can happen.

Carla: ...Okay?

Dr. Kelso enters.

Dr. Kelso: What the hell is going on in here!?

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob. Great news: we found Hector a room!

The camera pulls back to reveal that the room they've found for Hector is Dr. Kelso's office.

J.D.'s Narration: For some it can be disaster. For others, it's salvation.

Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS Elliot is slowly wandering through, on her way home.

Elliot: [to self] I need help.

Dr. Casey taps her on the shoulder.

Dr. Casey: Excuse me.

Heavenly music plays as Casey is bathed in a glowing light. He looks towards it.

Dr. Casey: Uh, buddy, can you not point that at me?

We see a custodian on a ladder fixing one of the large ceiling lights, accidentally pointing it at Casey.

Custodian: Sure.

He tips the light away, returning Casey to mortal status.

Dr. Casey: Hi. I'm Kevin.

Elliot: [excited] I know!!! [clears throat] ...Um... I know.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, the weirdest thing is when two people collide without ever being in the same room.

Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. comes home, and hits the button on the answering machine.

Answering Machine: Hey, Turk, it's your brother. Good news! My business trip got canceled, so I can be your best man after all! I'm looking forward to it. Call me.

J.D. looks surprised, hurt, and disappointed.



TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- MORNING J.D. is at the counter drinking coffee.

J.D.'s Narration: Sure I was hurt when I found out I was Turk's second choice for best man. But I'm not gonna be petty.... I mean, when the tux guy called to confirm Turk's measurements, I gave them to him.

Turk bursts out of his bedroom in his newly delivered tux, the pants now officially shorts.

Turk: Dude! I look like I'm going to Ferrakhan day-camp!

J.D.: Just paint your legs black, you'll be fine.

Turk: Look at this lame-ass bow-tie and cummerbund, man! I'm really thinking about talking to Carla about this. Whatta you think?


J.D.'s conversation with the tailor.

Tailor: Just remind him over and over that the wedding is all about what the woman wants.

J.D.: You know what? You should totally say something. You know, unless you want to set a precedent where she's walking all over you for the rest of your life; but it's your call, you might love that, I don't know.

Flash to... APARTMENT -- A BIT LATER Carla is on the couch, sobbing, Turk standing meekly in front of her, with J.D. enjoying the show as he finishes his cereal.

Carla: I wanted those red cummerbunds because that's the theme!

Turk: Red is a theme?

Carla: Love is the theme! We're in love, you idiot!

She whacks him with a pillow.

Carla: Just tell me why would you make such a big deal about something we both know you don't even care about?

Turk: I don't know....

She collapses into the couch, whimpering.

J.D.: Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.

Yeah, he's already done plenty of work, but off he goes, leaving Turk with his problem.


CAFETERIA Elliot is having lunch with Kevin.

Elliot: So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?

Dr. Casey: Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'Cause when you tell people that a loved one died, you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head. [demonstrates with a napkin] If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die. And if you take too long and pause with it, [demonstrates again] it gives 'em false hope. So you have to do it perfectly.

Dr. Casey: [demonstrates once more, perfectly] "Ahh, damn."

Elliot: [lost in the moment] If one of my loved ones ever dies...I hope it's because of you.

Dr. Casey: Hey, me too.

Elliot: [laughs] Are we, uh, flirting?

Dr. Casey: A little bit.

Elliot: [to self] Awesome!

Dr. Casey: Have you seen the roof toilet?

Elliot: No. But I'm a nervous pooer.

Dr. Casey: Okay, now we're definitely not flirting.

Elliot: Oh, it's just that I'm a little more comfortable with the setup that I have at home, you know. Like...extra locks. [clicks teeth like a lock]

Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've only gone outside my house twice. Once on an airplane, and once at the White House.

Elliot: How are the bathrooms at the White House?

Dr. Casey: I have no idea, but the fountains are nice. And security? Quick as bunnies.

They laugh at the joke.

Elliot: Listen, Dr. Casey, um, I know that you've helped out a lot of people, and I've got this, uh, intubating problem.

Dr. Casey: [standing] I'll be right back.

Elliot: Where are you going?

Dr. Casey: [stomach gurgling] To climb a mountain.

He leaves.


DR. KELSO'S OFFICE -- A.K.A. HECTOR'S ROOM Careful not to wake the sleeping patient, Dr. Kelso, Dr. Cox and Carla have a hushed conversation.

Dr. Kelso: [whispering] This is completely unacceptable!

Carla: [whispering] Well, you said find him a room!

Dr. Kelso: [whispering] Not my office, dammit!

Dr. Cox: [whispering] He's your gardener, for God's sake!

Dr. Kelso: [whispering] I could have both of you suspended...

They continue their hushed argument, talking over one another, but freeze when Hector stirs and turns over. When the man sighs and settles back to sleep, they pick up where they left off, hissing more venomously than ever.


Dr. Cox: [whispering] You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it!

Dr. Kelso: [whispering] Fine! Get out of here! I'll get some paperwork done!

Cox and Carla exit.


STAIRWELL The Janitor comes in to see a huge line of people winding up the stairs.

Janitor: Oh, man. Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet!

Nurse Roberts: Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling -- let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof.

The Todd comes in, and the Janitor spins to turn his attention to him.

Janitor: There is not a toilet on the roof!

Todd: But you just said there was.

Janitor: No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor...uhh...that means..."God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof."

Janitor: [turning to the line] Right? People?

They all nod and agree.

Nurse Roberts: That's right, ain't nothing up there.

Todd: Cool.

He makes a sign of the cross and snaps before turning and leaving again.


NURSES' STATION J.D. is there, busily writing something.

J.D.'s Thoughts: You know what, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're still best man. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.

Turk arrives.

Turk: J.D., can I talk to you?

J.D.'s Thoughts: AGH!

Turk: Have you seen Carla around?

J.D.: Phew! False alarm.

Turk: 'Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private? Sort of man to man?

J.D.'s Thoughts: AGH!

J.D.: I can't right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.

Turk: You're drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.

Indeed, that's what he's doing.

J.D.: So I can get to my patients faster.

Turk: How 'bout later?

J.D.: [picking up his shoes and leaving] Later's no good, dude. I gotta stop by the tux shop, then I gotta finish telling my whole family that you picked me as your best man!


CAFETERIA Elliot is practicing with the napkin as Casey returns.

Elliot: This _is_ hard.

Dr. Casey: I'm sorry it took me so long -- I had to go home. That damn roof toilet's got my number.

Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?

Dr. Casey: Oh, God, no! I can't even sit on it.

Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before.... I can't seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays [sings] "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!" I don't know what to do.

Dr. Casey: It's just a piece of porcelain! I mean, there's no reason we both shouldn't be able to sit on it!

Elliot: Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem....

Dr. Casey: We must conquer the roof toilet.

Elliot: ENOUGH ABOUT THE ROOF TOILET! Listen, all I've heard about from everyone is how amazing you are, and I'm not leaving here until you help me out!

Suddenly her beeper goes off, playing a familiar tune.

Elliot: Dammit! I have to go.

She gets up.

Dr. Casey: Elliot.

She stops.

Dr. Casey: I'll help you.

Elliot: Thanks.

She goes off to answer her page.


DR. KELSO'S OFFICE Ted sits across from Dr. Kelso at the desk as Carla quietly speaks with Hector and his family in Spanish.

Ted the Lawyer: [reading from a pad] "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste" -- I thought that was a nice touch -- "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.

Dr. Kelso: [annoyed] Shocker. I can't even think straight with this incessant whispering. It's like a Spanish golf tournament in here!

Carla: I'm sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders!

Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich, but I...uh...well, there was a misunderstanding and now it's gone.

He leaves.

Hector: Espero no se la causando ningún problema a Dr. Kelso. (?) Subtitle: I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.

Carla: {? Spanish "...com é su sandwich."} Subtitle: Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.

Ted the Lawyer: I forget. Is "{? Spanish}" "kill him" or "screw him"?

Carla & Hector: "Screw him."

Ted the Lawyer: Awwww.


ROOF J.D. is on the epiphany toilet, lost in thought. Suddenly, the heavenly music plays as he lifts his head in realization.

J.D.: That's it! I just have to go and talk to him!

Cut to... ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox is at the front desk, signing a form. J.D. arrives.

Dr. Casey: ...Kevin Casey.

J.D.: Dr. Casey! Have you seen Turk?

Dr. Casey: Oh, yeah, nice guy...good surgeon...great dancer.

J.D.: You should see us gettin' down when we try pants on together.

Dr. Casey: Yeah-heh. I have to go.

J.D.: Cool. I'll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Casey: Uh, actually, no. I got a call -- I have to go back to my hospital.

J.D.: Why? Why do you have to do that?

Dr. Casey: Well, look at it this way: Uh, I may be leaving here, but I will always be there. [points at J.D.'s heart]

J.D.: I know.

Dr. Casey: I am so messing with you.

J.D.: Ha, I know.... Okay. Well, sir, it was amazing to work with you.

He takes Casey's hand in both hands and shakes vigorously.

Dr. Casey: Thank you.

J.D. continues shaking his hand.

Dr. Casey: And that's three seconds!

J.D.: [letting go] Okay, sorry.

Dr. Casey: Okay.

Dr. Casey heads out, and J.D. turns, thinking.

J.D.'s Narration: Watching Kevin go, I wondered how gay I looked giving that two-handed handshake. And also how weird it was that someone could just walk into your life, have such a big impact, and then vanish just like that, never to be seen again.

Over J.D.'s shoulder, we see Dr. Casey come back and re-exit a few times to get it right.

J.D.'s Narration: But mostly I thought about how, in some small way, Kevin had helped every single person he met here.

Meanwhile... CAFETERIA Elliot returns to find the table she had been sharing with Dr. Casey empty.

Elliot: Kevin? Has anybody seen Kevin?



CAFETERIA Elliot is sitting alone at her table. J.D. enters, scanning the room.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Where the hell is Turk?

He spots Elliot and sits across from her.

J.D.: What's wrong?

Elliot: Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.

J.D.: Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern...

At the next table, a young doctor who does look a bit like Snoop Doggy Dogg looks up.

Snoop Dogg Intern: Where my hos at?

J.D.: I haven't seen them.

Elliot: Look, I don't wanna sound pathetic, but, he didn't even help me.

J.D.: He didn't help a lot of people, Elliot. It was just me, and Turk, and Carla, and Dr. Cox, and Doug, and Dr. Mickhead--

Elliot: Mickhead? No, Mickhead's in rehab.

J.D.: _Was_ in rehab, Elliot. Was. He'll never huff paint again. But look, if you need help, I'm always here for you.

Elliot: All right, see, with intubating....

Turk arrives to the Cafeteria, greeting some of his colleagues.

Elliot: I can't seem to intubate patien--

J.D.: There's Turk. I gotta go.

He leaps up from the table to go see Turk.


EMPTY WING -- HALL Elliot walks through, happening upon Dr. Cox and Carla who stand staring down the intersecting empty hall.

Carla: Elliot?

Elliot: Aunt Lillian?

to self] "Aunt Lillian"?

Dr. Cox: What is it, there, Barbie?

Elliot: I need help.

Dr. Cox: I know you do, sweetie, but here I'm plum out of hair scrunchies. Now scram, princess, we're waiting for somebody. Go on.

Rejected yet again, Elliot continues down the hall. Dr. Kelso approaches Dr. Cox and Carla from the other end of their hall.

Dr. Kelso: Hector's wife just set my drapes on fire with her damn prayer candle!

Carla: [hushed, to Dr. Cox] He's here!

Dr. Kelso: I want them both out of my office!

Carla: Sir, there's a ton of empty beds right here. All you have to do is flick the switch.

Dr. Cox: You know how to do that, don't you, Bob? You just bend over...and flick.

A vibrating guitar chord echoes as Dr. Kelso turns and looks at the dark, empty hallway, thinking.

Counting Crows' "A Murder of One" comes up as the lights come up and a crowd of people receiving treatment fades in.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I thought so.

Meanwhile... LOCKER AREA Elliot, desperate and alone, slumps on the bench. She notices a stream of toilet paper next to her. On the end is written "FOLLOW ME"

Nothing to lose, she follows the trail through seemingly every part of the hospital, staffers giving her strange looks as she wanders through, her armload of toilet paper getting ever bigger.

Finally, she finds herself on the roof, the end of the line. With a determined nod, she approaches the legendary throne, finding a picture attached to the toilet paper roll. The snapshot shows Dr. Casey on the roof toilet, his arms raised in victory.

Elliot: Who took this?

She flips the photo over to see written on the back: Polaroid with self-timer Your turn!

Meanwhile... PARKING LOT J.D. and Turk sit on the back of their car.

Turk: With Marbury, I really believe New York has a shot at the title, man.

J.D.: Yeah, me too.

Turk: [challenging] Which sport are we talking about?

J.D.: I wanna say tennis.... Look, Turk, I heard the message that your brother left on the machine. I want you to know, if there's anything I can do to make your whole wedding go smoother, just tell me. Even if it's stepping down from being best man.

Turk: The only reason I asked my brother to be best man was because I knew he couldn't come to the wedding. But now his plans have changed and he's all excited. Dude, it has to be you, you know that.

J.D.'s Thoughts: It's always uncomfortable when two guys wanna say something each other.

J.D.: Look, you've been my best friend for ten years, man; I've loved you since college, and you know I'd do anything for you. (in counterpart) Turk: Dude, look, man, you're my friend and I frickin' love you; and no one's looked out for me like you have.

Turk: Cool.

J.D.: Solid.

There's a moment of silence.

J.D.: You know, if it makes it easier, I guess we could be co-best men.

Turk: You have no idea how much stress that would relieve.

J.D.: ...Even though...God said it's supposed to be one....

Meanwhile... PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Kelso is talking with Hector as Dr. Cox and Carla watch from a distance.

Carla: You ever think there's more to Dr. Kelso than we know?

Dr. Cox: Sure, is he in fact a latex-encased robot with real human hair and a circuit board where his heart should be? I can't...I can't rule that out.

Carla: You know, Hector told me he's worked for Dr. Kelso for twenty years. That's half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50, but that's what being in the sun all day does to your skin.

Dr. Cox: Right, right.

Carla: The point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Cox: Say...Say, Bobbo...

Dr. Kelso, finished with his conversation, comes over.

Dr. Cox: Is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?

Dr. Kelso: Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place, I doubt it's any of your damn business.

Meanwhile... ROOF Elliot is on the john.

Elliot's Thoughts Okay.... So far no epiphanies. Except that outdoor toilet seats are like frickin' icicles! Eh, at least no one saw me go....

Suddenly a huge light falls on her from above. Her eyes widen in shock and horror as she looks up. It's a helicopter. And it's landing next to her.

She hurriedly hikes up her scrubs and runs over to the chopper as a stretcher is wheeled out by the paramedics.

Paramedic: Go! Let's go, let's go!

Elliot: Uh, hi. We don't have a helicopter pad--

Paramedic: We're out of time! He's losing oxygen, he needs to be intubated now!

He produces the equipment and she starts to run off.

Elliot: Okay, just let me get someone.

Paramedic: NOW! You! Let's go! Do it!

He shoves the equipment into her hands.

Paramedic: Come on!

She takes a steeling breath and starts the procedure.

Elliot: I'm in.

The other paramedic finally looks up. It's Dr. Casey.

Dr. Casey: You see, this is why I wanted you to use the bathroom up here.

Elliot laughs in surprise.

Dr. Casey: If there's something you know you can do, whether it's intubating a patient or...copping a squat on the roof, and your mind keeps throwing up roadblocks, just know you can drive right through 'em. And if that doesn't help, maybe this will....

He leans in to kiss her.

A flash of light signifies... END OF FANTASY

Elliot sits on the toilet, her head tipped and her tongue slightly protruding from her lips as she enjoys her dream kiss.

Heavenly music plays as she opens her eyes in realization. Satisfied, she gets up and hikes up her scrubs.

Fade to... ROOF -- THE NEXT DAY Turk and J.D. stand looking at the place where the now uninstalled toilet used to be.

J.D.: I can't believe it's gone.

J.D.'s Narration: I think it's human nature to search for answers.

Turk: Dude. Why is your tux gonna cost four thousand dollars?

J.D.: No reason.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the answer you get is the one you least expect.

Meanwhile... STREET A slick Cadillac drives along.

Cut to... Caddie interior. Hector and his family chatter in Spanish as Dr. Kelso drives.

Dr. Kelso: All right, pipe down! Now, who's up for Dairy Queen?

Hector & Family: [cheering] Dairy Queen!

J.D.'s Narration: But more often than not, the answers we've been looking for have been inside us all along.

Meanwhile... I.C.U. Dr. Cox watches as Elliot intubates a patient.

Dr. Cox: Well done, there, Barbie. You're now exactly where you were three years ago.

He goes off, but Elliot's face shows that that's not quite the insult intended. She's proud to be back.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess the important thing is to never stop searching.

Meanwhile... HALL J.D. opens the cleaning supplies closet, to see the Janitor on his toilet in there.

Janitor: Occupied!

Startled, J.D. shuts the door again and takes off, running into a doctor with an armful of paperwork, which spills on the floor.

J.D.: I'll help you. Nah. Okay.

He lets the doc take care of his papers and walks on.


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