The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My New God".

Scene 1

Open: Hallway.

J.D.'s Narration: After four years, I know the hospital so well I can sneak in a little nap walk before rounds.

(J.D. yawns, closes his eyes and starts walking down the hall.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Two quick steps to the left to avoid Overly-Ambitious Orderly.

(J.D. sidesteps around an orderly walking through with a large stack of folders.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.

(J.D. steps over the body bag Doug is dragging out of a room.)

Doug: The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

J.D.'s Thoughts: And finally, Dr. Kelso's 9AM wrong shoulder tap.

(J.D. walks by on Dr. Kelso's right and taps his left shoulder.)

Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Every morning, tapping. No one's ever there!

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, you can't be ready for everything.

(Janitor grabs J.D. and pulls him aside.)

Janitor: Hey! Help me move this weekend.

J.D.'s Thoughts: We scoff...

(J.D. scoffs.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: ...And we walk away.

(Cut to Nurse's Station. Dr. Cox, Jordan and Jack enter.)

Dr. Cox: Remind me again why you're having our son baptized.

Jordan: Oh, what do you care? You're not even going.

Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows, I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares.

Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you didn't.

Jordan: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, I didn't realize you'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come. Ha ha! How weird would it be if I was like that?

Carla: Totally.

Jordan: Weird.

(Jordan and Jack exit.)

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?

Dr. Cox: You're not invited.

J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only, everyone, that's how they're doing it.

Carla: I'm going.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break. Of course you're going. As a matter of fact, I'd--I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.

J.D.: [whispering] I--am honored.

Dr. Cox: [whispering] I--am lying.

(Dr. Cox exits. Carla tries to stifle laughter.)

J.D.: I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

(J.D. exits, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.)

(Cut to Admissions Area.)

Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?

Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on twenty-four hour baby-making alert, and we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?

J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk, I'm a doctor.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Once a month? That's crazy!

Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Haley doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs, big frick. Last month, it was Cassie.

J.D.: Ooh, Cassie's pretty.

Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D., she would have been.

(Dr. Cox whistles)

Dr. Cox: Everyone! This is my sister, Paige. Paige, I'd like you to meet--random people I don't care about.

Dr. Kelso: Ahh! Here for the baptism. I remember my son, Harrison's big day. All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress. Well, we're not laughing anymore, Harrison's a poofter. Bob Kelso.

(He shakes Paige's hand and exits.)

J.D.: Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.

Paige: No...

J.D.: Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing, or being a surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own? Nothing about that at all, I'm surprised. That's interesting to me, but OK.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't cry in front of people.

Paige: Perry and I don't talk much.

J.D.: Oh, they don't talk much, everybody. There's no talking in the family.

Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all big and tiny things that matter most to me, the big being my son, Jack, cure of cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shell taco. The small--

Paige: [interrupting, imitating Dr. Cox] The small being my ex-wife, Jordan, wind energy, and, ah he-he-hell, fruit-infused liquors, your name still would not have come up.

Dr. Cox: I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more irritating.

J.D.: What does he find irritating about you?

Dr. Cox: Fire at will.

Paige: I embrace the Lord, Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, but I wish something would break the tension.

(A beeper goes off. Turk enters, dancing.)

Turk: [singing] Hallelujah! A brother's 'bout to have some sex. Ha-Ha-Hallelujah! A brother's 'bout to have some seeeeeex! Smack the money maker! Smack it!

(Turk bends down in front of J.D. J.D. spits on his palm and spanks Turk.)

J.D.: That's how he likes it.

Turk: Awww, sex time, people!

(Turk exits.)

J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex! His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy....Like Jesus.


Scene 2

Open: ICU

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway, and I'd always kick his ass.

J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mom an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

Paige: OK. I'm gonna go say hi to Jordan.

(Paige exits. Dr. Cox enters.)

J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?

Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible instead and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?

J.D.: Probably the room to room thing.

Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.

J.D.'s Narration: It's always hard to find the right words in a moment like this.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, if it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.

Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

J.D.: [to himself] Dammit! Stupid baptism.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk dances towards the bedroom.)

Turk: I'm gonna have some sex! I'm gonna have some se-AAAHHHH!

(Turk opens the bedroom door. Carla is sitting on the bed, surrounded by books, charts and other items.)

Carla: OK, my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated, and these pillows will keep my vagina angled so the semen can pool against my cervix.

Turk: Baby, that is some god-awful dirty talk.

Carla: Turk, we're making a baby, now let's get down to business.

Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat. I need at least 30 minutes of foreplay. Then, and only then can I be fully ready--to make love to you.

Carla: Tyra Banks.

Turk: Yeh...

Carla: There, you're ready.

(Carla lies down on the bed. Cut to Nurse's Station. J.D. is sitting on the counter. Janitor enters in slow motion, glaring at J.D. Ominous organ music and low chanting set the background. Music falters as Janitor becomes obscured by a group of staffers.)

Janitor: Oh, hey fellas, I'm trying to give someone the evil eye over there. Would you mind breaking it up so I understand.

(The staffers break up and exit.)

Janitor: Thanks, fellas, very nice of you. Appreciate it. Thank you.

(Janitor resumes glaring at J.D. and walks on in slow motion. Music continues.)

J.D.: He's just mad because I won't help him move.

Jordan: Well you should have done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex. You do it once and they owe you for life.

Elliot: My high school boyfriend is an accountant and he still does my taxes for free. You what's weird, he also does my brother Barry's.

Dr. Kelso: My son, Harrison, dabbles in sadomasochism and he has a new gimp named Barry. Or is it Larry? At my age it's getting harder and harder to keep track of his gimps.

J.D.'s Narration: And then it occurred to me. This was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend.

(Cut to ICU.)

J.D.: I'll do it.

Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.

J.D. & Janitor: [in unison] No I'm not. Stop doing that. Peanut butter egg dirt!

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: Newbie, let's go, Mr. Donnelly's test results are in.

(Dr. Cox and J.D. exit. Cut to Mr. Donnelly's room. His family is present.)

J.D.'s Narration: It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.

Dr. Cox: I uh, I wish I had better news for you. Unfortunately we're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with his medication.

Mrs. Donnelly: What are our options?

Dr. Cox: I'm afraid there are no other options.

(Paige enters.)

Paige: There's always prayer.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh no.

Paige: You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.

Dr. Cox: Could I see you in Stop-Filling-My-Patient's-Head-With-False-Hope ward?

(Paige and Dr. Cox step exit the room.)

Dr. Cox: Paige, we have protocol here. First, we shake our magic eight ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.

Paige: Oh, right, because people who believe in God are crazy. And you're the sane one.

(Cut to J.D. inside the room, watching Paige and Dr. Cox argue.)

J.D.: Hey, do you guys like improv? Because I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. Like, watch: Do you want some pie? Not me, I hate pie. What are you talking about? Who hates pie? Everyone loves pie. I've always hated pie! You never understood me. You're a pie racist! Well, you're a cobbler whore!

J.D.'s Thoughts: For God's sake, get off pie!

(Cut to outside the room)

Paige: Jerk.

Dr. Cox: Republican.

(Cut to inside Mr. Donnelly's room.)

J.D.: Pie.

(Cut to cafeteria.)

J.D.: I've got to find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

(Turk's pager goes off.)

Turk: Ugh. Dammit, I've gotta go have ovulation sex again.

J.D.: Ar you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk.

Turk: J.D...

(J.D. stands.)

J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!

(J.D. exits.)

Turk: I really gotta stop doing that.

Elliot: You can talk to me if you want.

Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex, I can't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is, shwing-something.

Elliot: Swhing-shwong, peepers or peep.

Turk: Right, and vagina is...?

Elliot: Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

Turk: Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.

Elliot: Uh-bup-bup. Mmm-mm. From now on [whispering] cervical mucus [normally] will be referred to as icky-sticky.

Turk: Icky-sticky.

Elliot: Continue.

(Cut to ICU. J.D. enters with two cups of coffee)

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!

Dr. Cox: Never. Say that. Again.

J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4 PM today?

Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.

J.D.: Mark my words, when that little bastard is dipped in water, I will be there.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by, Mr. Donnelly's labs came back. It looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine: 1, God: 0.

J.D.: You don't have to rub it in her face.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Dr. Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship out there you could be trying to fix?

(Dr. Cox exits.)

J.D.'s Narration: Actually, there was.

(Cut to a living room, which is presumably Janitor's.)

J.D.: Morning, sunshine.

Janitor: I don't like that.

J.D.: Nobody seems to.

Janitor: Well, come on. Let's grab some boxes and get to moving, huh?

J.D.'s Thoughts: I hope I can find a way to connect with him.

(Janitor grabs a vase off the top shelf and knocks another one off. J.D. dives for it and catches it before it hits the ground.)

Janitor: Thanks for saving that. That's one of my favorite pieces.

J.D.: You're welcome, friend.

(J.D. places the vase in a box.)

J.D.: I gotta say, you've got a lot of Asian art around here.

Janitor: When I was kid, I always thought I'd travel the world, you know? So after college, I went to China. Did all the normal touristy things, I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local. You know, just the regular stuff. Anyway, I guess I decorate my place this way because it reminds me of a more optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.

J.D.: Doesn't sound crazy at all.

Janitor: Thanks, buddy.

(Janitor pats J.D. on the shoulder.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: And like that, I was in.

(Cut to Turk driving his Mini. His pager goes off as.)

Turk: Damn!

(Turk sees a sign at a Dunkin Donuts:)


50% OFF


(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk enters)

Carla: I paged you an hour ago.

Turk: I was in surgery.

Carla: Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?

Turk: Guess we're not having sex, huh?

Carla: Ohh, no we're having sex. Get in there.

Turk: Wait, baby, I'm too full.

Carla: Now, Turk!

Turk: Man!

(Cut to living room. Most of the furnishings are now in boxes. J.D. and Janitor are drinking beer.)

J.D.: Long story short, after confirming it with my bunk mates, that counselor and his "friendship lotion" were transferred out of our cabin and we never spoke about it again.

Janitor: Well, what doesn't kill you...

(They clink their bottles together)

J.D.'s Thoughts: We're as thick as two thieves in a pod.

Janitor: OK. Time to move some of the heavier stuff. So you might want to put on these gloves. And the attic upstairs has a lot of fiberglass in it. So here's a hat.

J.D.: Thanks, pal.

Janitor: Sure, bud.

(J.D. puts on the hat and gloves.)

J.D.'s Narration: I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships. I don't rub things in people's faces.

(Cut to Mr. Donnelly's room.)

Dr. Cox: I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest X-ray look better. He is finally starting to improve.

Mrs. Donnelly: Thank you so much.

Dr. Cox: I was really just doing my job.

Mrs. Donnelly: Oh, I'm talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - Bedroom)

Carla: You big jerk!

(Carla gets up out of bed as Turk stretches out.)

J.D.'s Narration: I never go to bed very, very mad.

Turk: [to himself] Angry sex is awesome.

(Cut back to living room. J.D. picks up a Buddha statue.)

J.D.'s Narration: And I've always known that if I make the slightest gesture of friendship to a difficult coworker...

(An Asian couple enter the room)

Asian man: Who are you?

J.D.'s Narration: ...I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

(J.D. exits, running, still carrying the statue.)

Scene 3

Open: Street. J.D. runs full speed with the Buddha statue as two dogs chase him.

J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a Buddha. After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion.

(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment.)

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?

Paige: I think you should wait until you see the matching slippers and tiny handbag.

Dr. Cox: You're actually asking him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma two-fer.

Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I'm getting some blush for Jack because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.

Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?

Paige: Fine. It was medicine.

Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.

Paige: Thank God for creating medicine.

Dr. Cox: Eh- J- Gh -Gh- That's it! That is it!

(He walks over and picks Jack up.)

Dr. Cox: Now, you--you may be a total goner. But God's not getting His hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jack. We got places to go.

(Dr. Cox exits with Jack. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk is in the bathroom)

Carla: Turk, I'm ready!

Turk: [to himself] All right. So angry sex is awesome. But that's no reason to go down a bad road.

(Turk comes out of the bathroom.)

Turk: Baby, you know what I miss? When your body was kickin'.

(He turns off the lights. Cut to another scene.)

Turk: I ain't touching no damn diapers. WAAAAHHH!

(Carla grabs him and pulls him on top of her. Cut to another scene. Turk kisses Carla.)

Turk: Baby, all I'm saying is that in some European countries it's perfectly acceptable for a man to have a mistress.

Carla: Why you--

(She is interrupted by Turk kissing her. Cut to another scene. Carla gets out of bed as Turk rolls over.)

Carla: I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said!

Turk: [to himself] Worth it!

(Cut to the bar. J.D. sits by himself with the Buddha statue.)

J.D.'s Narration: Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about two things. One, what my prison name would be...

J.D.: [to himself] Gizmo.

J.D.'s Narration: And two, whether some relationships were beyond repair. Then fate threw me another curve.

(Dr. Cox enters with Jack.)

J.D.: Hey, who's your friend?

Dr. Cox: My boy in a dress. Who's yours?

J.D.: Well, seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the Sheriff's K-9 unit, I'd say he's my new god.

Dr. Cox. Hm.

J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours.

Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.)

Turk: Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop.

(Carla enters.)

Carla: I'll be right out, I'm just fixing my hair.

Turk: Rake's in the closet, baby.

(Carla glares at Turk, then exits again.)

Turk: Help me!

Elliot: Turk, just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in he world to her.

Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex.

Elliot: Well, it's not.

(Flashback to Elliot in a car with her boyfriend in the woods.)

Elliot: Honey for my honey!

(She pours honey on his chest and begins to lick it off. She notices a bear behind him, outside and recoils in fear.)

Boy: Why are you stopping?

(The bear begins rocking the car as Elliot and her boyfriend cry in terror. End flashback.)

Elliot: Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm is a much worse consequence of sex.

Turk: You have to help me end this angry sex cycle.

(Carla enters.)

Carla: I'm ready.

Elliot: Oh, Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good. Ahhh, the cycle is broken.

(Carla slaps Turk on the back of the head. Cut to bar. Jack is in a booster seat.)

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?

J.D.: He seems fine.

Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.

J.D.: I don't whine or cry.

Janitor: Really. How do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwan's apartment?

J.D.: These are coasters.

Janitor: My camera's broken.

J.D.: You turned me into a felon!

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Take Jack. Jordan will kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you. You're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.

J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy, it's that I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.

Janitor: You're welcome.

(J.D. picks up Jack.)

J.D.: Still. I've never know you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.

Dr. Cox: Eh.

J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much.

Dr. Cox: It doesn't.

J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

(Cut to church: Jack's baptism. J.D. is improvising dialogue between the Buddha statue and a crucifix.)

J.D: So, do you like pie? Look at me. Do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie. Incidentally, where do you by your loincloths?

Jordan: I-I don't think I can do this without Perry. I mean, he's my everything.

Paige: You're right. It would be weird if you were like that.

Jordan: Right?

Paige: Yeah.

Jordan: Yeah.

(Cut to Turk and Carla, sitting in the pew with Elliot between them.)

Turk: I just don't understand why we can't have fun.

Carla: I am so glad you had to hurt my feelings to have fun.

Turk: I can't believe you! Calm down!

Carla: Calm down? I am going to kill you.

Turk: [skyward] You hear that? She's gonna kill me. Get her.

Elliot: OK, look. You two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

(Paige and Jordan walk down the aisle towards the altar with Jack. Everyone turns to watch. Jordan holds him over the baptismal font as the priest baptizes him. Dr. Cox enters the back of the church, beer in hand, and acknowledges Paige, who spots him. Jordan and Jack light a baptismal candle together.)

Elliot: Isn't he beautiful?

Turk: Yeah. He is.

(Cut to Hospital parking lot. Dr. Cox is playing basketball. He shoots a layup and misses.)

Paige: Oh, wow! Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?

Dr. Cox: Oh, that's cold, sis. That's ice cold. You know, uh, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

Paige: Please, Perry, don't hold back.

Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff. I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I-I can't think about anything else.

Paige: It's hard for me, too.

Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.

Paige: I'd love to see him turn three.

Dr. Cox: The major events, Paige? His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, his funeral. The big four?

Paige: I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding.

Dr. Cox: Done.

(Paige shoots the ball backwards and makes the shot.)

Paige: That went in, didn't it?

Dr. Cox: Did you thank the G-man for that?

Paige: That was all me, baby.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, it was.

J.D.'s Narration: So maybe relationships can be fixed. Whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk is half undressed and looking at the baby-making books.)

Turk: Carla, I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy. But I do now.

Carla: Well, you know, Turk? I can't get angry if you give me a little help.

Turk: [Category:Transcripts]]in Carla's ear] If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.

Carla: Aww, Turk, a little help.

(Cut to the Kwan's apartment.)

J.D.'s Narration: Or by reassuring the Kwan's that their big guy didn't desert them.

(The golden Buddha statue is at the front door with a sign that says "I MISSED YOU". Cut to hospital parking lot.)

J.D.'s Narration: In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

Dr. Cox: By the way, Jack's birthday is in the spring...sometime.

Paige: March 21st. Bye, Perry.

(She kisses Dr. Cox on the cheek and climbs into a taxi.)

Dr. Cox: Bye, Paige. You know, Paige is a silly name.

Paige: Perry's worse.

(The taxi leaves)



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