My Monster transcript

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Monster".

Act

Turk and J.D.'s Apartment - Living Room, Evening
Of note is the Christmas tree in the corner of the room, decorated with various medical supplies (masks, gloves, etc.) pinched from the hospital.
Turk and Carla are on the couch, making out.
J.D. is leaned over the kitchen counter, his chin in his hands, watching them intently.
Carla looks up at J.D.
J.D.: Hey, how ya doin'.
Turk: I know we put on a hell of a show, but, dude, put some shades on or something!
J.D.: Let's not make a big deal out of this.
Carla: J.D., when was the last time you got laid?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, just subtly take the spotlight off yourself.
J.D.: Once, on a red-eye flight, Turk groped a trans-sexual.
Carla looks at Turk.
Turk: Baby, it was dark, and he/she had a body that was rockin'!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Mission accomplished.
Carla looks back at J.D.
Carla: We're talking about you right now, studly.
J.D.: Okay! So I'm in a bit of a dry spell.... I have no idea what to do with myself.
Turk: Why don't you give Rowdy a bath -- he smells a little ripe.
We get a shot of Rowdy. The boys have put reindeer antlers on him.
J.D.: Please! I'm a young, single player with a heart of gold. I should be able to stir something up.
He picks up the phone.
Cut to...
Bathroom
J.D. is having a bubble bath with Rowdy.
J.D.: How _do_ you get so dirty?
An air bubble erupts from the bathwater.
J.D.: ...Rowdy!
J.D.'s Narration: I'm not the only one in a rut.
Flash To...
Parking Lot - The Next Morning
J.D., Elliot, Carla, and Turk are coming in to work.
Elliot: My life is a mess!
J.D.: At least you're pretty.
Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
Carla: It does for my sister.
Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute!?
Carla: She's a _model_. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.
Elliot: Yeah, I know, I was just frazzled. I stopped taking my dad's money, so I can't pay the bills; I'm getting kicked out of my apartment; and thank-you to this stupid hospital, I haven't even had time to look for a new place!
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the hospital seems like a big, hungry monster that feeds on our personal lives.
***Fantasy Shot: Utilizing some special effects, the front of the hospital darkens, morphing into a monster. It opens its doors like a giant mouth and spews fire.
****
J.D.'s Narration: It affects all of us.
Cut to...
Interior -- Admissions
J.D. greets Dr. Cox at the front desk.
J.D.: Morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Oh, ho, ho, Denise! I know it's morning. If it was last night, I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex-wife, trying to get her to calm down with a chair and a whip because -- believe it or not -- I somehow managed to forget to bring home the _curly fries_. Do you see where I'm going here? Yes, no, maybe so? [whistles] Talk to her!
He departs, revealing Nurse Roberts behind the desk.
Nurse Roberts: The man's got troubles.
A middle-aged woman in a wheelchair next to the desk looks up at J.D.
She speaks with a gravelly smoker's voice.
Lady: You know, you're about one of the cutest doctors I've ever met! [chuckles] Give me a kiss!
She grins and puckers with a mouthful of tobacco-stained teeth.
J.D. is horrified.
J.D.: Ha! Well.... [kisses his hand] Put it in your pocket and save it for later!
She takes the kiss and grins at him as she's wheeled down the hall.
J.D.'s Narration: The monster kills everything that's beautiful. Everything! ....Except Lisa, the Gift Shop girl!
He turns to take in the beauty that is Lisa, over at her gift shop counter.
A choir sings a sweet, heavenly note.
On the other side of the Admissions Area, a man is coaching his group of robed choir boys.
Choir Director: Okay, boys, remember, now: When we get upstairs, it's the trauma ward, not the "drama ward," so smiles, everyone. Smiles.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Whatever. Dry spell, prepare to be moistened!
He strides over to the gift shop counter.
J.D.: Hey, Lisa! How you doin'?
Lisa: J.D., I can't give you free gum.
J.D.: Free gum--- No! You know, I was just thinking, you're probably one of those girls that's so pretty that no one ever has the courage to ask you out.
Lisa: No, I get asked out all the time.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, momentary set-back. Regroup. Regroup!
J.D.: Hey, go out with me.
She ponders it.
J.D.: It's the right thing to do.
Lisa: Sure, why not.
Choir: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
J.D.: Very funny, you dumb choir punks! Santa's a drunk! [back to Lisa] Where were we?
Lisa: So...what did you have in mind?
J.D.: Ohh, I could think of a couple things....
***Fantasy: J.D.'s Bathroom
J.D. and Rowdy are joined in the bubble bath by Lisa, who scrubs Rowdy's head.
Lisa: How _does_ he get so dirty?
J.D.: Who the hell cares.
He kisses her neck.

Act

Administrative Desk (The place with the shifts board and the coffee machine).
J.D., Turk, and Lisa are finishing a conversation.
Lisa: [to J.D.] I'll see you tonight.
J.D.: Okay, bye!
Lisa: Nice to meet you, Turk.
Turk: Hey, it was a pleasure meeting you, Lisa.
They watch her go off down the hall.
Turk turns back to J.D., excited.
Turk: YO!
They exchange slaps and slugs and snaps and smacks, and whatever other cool, manly gesture they can think of.
Turk: Yeah! Gift Shop Girl! Player!
They grind knuckles.
J.D.: Hold me down! Know what I'm sayin'?
Turk continues to snicker as J.D. starts off down the hall.
Turk: Hey, look at me. I want you to turn Gift Shop Girl into Gift Shop Woman.
J.D.: I swear on all the gifts in her shop, I will make you proud.
Turk starts off in the other direction.
Turk: That's my dawg. _That's_ my dawg!

Scene

Vending Machine Area
The Janitor is crouched on the floor in front of one of the machines, with his arm thrust up inside through the slot.
Janitor: Come to papa.
J.D. comes in and sees this. He loudly clears his throat.
Janitor: Yeah, the, uh, coil didn't complete its revolution -- my, uh, my candy's just hanging there instead of dropping.
J.D.: Okay...whatever. Look, if you're hungry, man, I can loan you a buck.
He pulls out a dollar and holds it up.
The Janitor stands.
Janitor: A buck! What a kind offer from the charitable Dr. Moneybags!
J.D.: Look, you can either be a jerk -- as usual -- or you can accept this gracious offer and get some caramel draped in nougat. Your choice, Jumpsuit.
The Janitor growls and snags the dollar.

Scene

I.C.U. / Nurses' Station
Dr. Cox and Jordan are walking through.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you -- despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you--
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: --you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
Jordan: Yes. Relax.
Behind the desk of the Station, J.D. and Nurse Roberts are witnessing this conversation.
J.D.: [whispering] I've seen bigger.
Nurse Roberts shoots him a look.
He looks down.
J.D.: No, not you. Although, kudos!
Nurse Roberts: Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Cox and Jordan stop at the desk so he can read a chart.
Jordan: You know what I hate?
Dr. Cox: So many things....
Jordan: That's true. I stay at your house almost every night, and even though I feel like crap in the morning, I've gotta drive all the way back to my apartment to get ready and then drive all the way back here to go to board meetings.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, why don't you just leave your boobs and some other stuff at my place?
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Well, yeah.... If it saves you the hassle, bring it on.
Jordan: Well, great. See you tonight.
They give a quick kiss and part.
Cut to...
A Patient's Room -- Later
J.D., Nurse Roberts, and Dr. Cox are at the bed of a woman with a sore on her neck.
J.D.: So, it appears Mrs. Watson has developed a post-op infection at her thyroidectomy site.
He prods the sore with his finger.
Mrs. Watson: Ow!
Dr. Cox: Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a general policy not to actually push on it. Just start Ancef 1 gram Q 8 hours, and oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me?
J.D.: [a'la Nurse Roberts] Mmm-hmm.
Nurse Roberts gives him a look.
J.D.: What? You don't own that!

Scene

Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Turk's Bedroom, Afternoon
Carla is on the bed, wrapping presents. She has the TV on to keep her company.
Carla: Turk! Come help me wrap presents!
He comes in from the living room.
Turk: Baby. Do you realize how long it's been since we've had an afternoon off, just the two of us?
Carla: Yeah....
Turk: I mean, I'm thinking I should give you a sensual massage...rub your feet a little...and maybe, if you're interested, sex you up and what-not!
She sweeps the presents and wrapping off the bed and leans back seductively.
Carla: Come here.
Turk: I'll get the TV.
He starts across the room, but she stops him.
Carla: No, you know what? Leave it on. I know how much you like 'The Jeffersons'.
Turk: Baby, you're a gift from God!
She giggles.
Turk: Here come daddy! Roooaaarrr!
He charges at her. She laughs and squeals as they roll around on the bed.
Turk: I'm gonna rock your world!
The camera pans above them to a framed picture on the wall. Reflected in the glass is the TV with 'The Jeffersons' starting.
As soon as the opening theme concludes, the camera pans back down. Turk is sound asleep next to the semi-clad Carla.
Carla: Turk? The show's starting....

Scene

Hall
J.D. and Elliot are looking at the bulletin board where her ad for a roommate is posted.
Elliot: Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!
J.D.: Oh, come on, Elliot. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a [reading] clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
Elliot: Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.
J.D.: You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.
Elliot: I am so screwed! I had to move out of my apartment this morning -- all of my stuff is outside in a truck.
J.D.: Why don't you just crash with me and Turk till you find a place?
Elliot: I am so tired of everyone always thinking that I need to be rescued! Okay, J.D.?
J.D.: Fine.
They make childish faces at each other.
Dr. Kelso walks up to them.
Dr. Kelso: Can anyone tell me the bacterial etiology of toxic shock syndrome?
They look at each other and at him, at a loss for words.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I beg your pardon. So many doctors standing around, I assumed it was rounds!
Elliot: Oh---
Dr. Kelso: But you were looking at the wall, so that means it's an...art exhibit! When does the gay gentleman come 'round with the tray of champagne?
Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off---
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not Bring Your Problems to Work Day. This is just Work Day.
He snatches her ad off the board and stalks down the hall.
Elliot chases after him.
Elliot: But, sir! Only one person took a phone number...so far!
Todd smirks at J.D. from a nearby doorway, holding up a little slip of paper taken from Elliot's flier.
Todd: Someone's getting a late-night drunk call from The Todd.
J.D.: Lucky girl.
Todd: Yeah!

Scene

I.C.U.
J.D. is exiting the room of a patient.
J.D.: All right, Mrs. Carlson, the surgeon that's gonna come by and do your lymph node dissection is a very handsome young man, so I don't want you to forget about me, okay? I'm serious, you naughty girl!
He walks over to the Nurses' Station, where Dr. Cox is on his cell phone.
Dr. Cox: [into phone] Sure, Jordan...I guess you could take over the master bathroom. But, would you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case, when I get home, I want to take 300 of them? [listens] Okay, bye.
He hangs up.
J.D.: I can't stop obsessing about this date I have tonight. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Cox: Well, for starters, you should probably go ahead and thank your lucky stars that you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.
J.D.: You know, Perry---
Dr. Cox: "Perry"?
J.D.: Yeah, I'm trying it out. I find, with the ladies, if you're clear with your intentions right off the bat, they just fall in to place. A.Q.?
Dr. Cox: What!?
J.D.: "A.Q." is sort of a new, hip expression -- means "Any questions?"
Dr. Cox: Look, please don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.
Lisa approaches the two of them.
Lisa: J.D.! You ready to go?
J.D. puts his arm around her, and Dr. Cox's eyes sort of bug out in surprise.
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is "Wow." And the words I'm looking for are "In your face." [to Lisa] Yeah! I'm ready, let's get going.
As they head out, J.D. tosses a final word back at Dr. Cox:
J.D.: P.O. -- peace out.
Dr. Cox stands, dazed.
His phone rings.
He answers.
Dr. Cox: [into phone] Jordan, if you're feeling like crap, then I'll come straight home--- [listens] Of...course, with the food. [listens] No, I don't necessarily know if there is anything bigger than a super-size, but I'll--I'll ask the guy.
Jordan: [from phone] Get _two_ super-sizes!
He drops the phone.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God!

Scene

Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Living Room
Carla is on one of the barstools, pouting.
Turk comes in from the bedroom.
Turk: Oh, hell yeah! ...Did I fall asleep?
Carla: [curt] Yes.
Turk: Was that before or after I rocked your world?
He flops down on the couch.
Carla: [to self, with closed eyes] He's a good man, he's a good man, he's a good man....
Turk: Baby, you know I get nervous when you start chanting.
Carla: Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage? The back, the feet? I let you watch 'The Jeffersons'!
Turk: Baby, I was...just exhausted from work.
Carla: Well, when you were an intern you were always exhausted from work, but you always made time for romance.
Turk: [grinning] Oh, that's 'cause I was still trying to get into your delicates.
Carla: Oh, my God.

Scene

On-Call Room
Elliot, in some comfy pink PJs, settles into the bed with a book and a warm drink.
Dr. Kelso opens the door.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? What are you doing in here?
Elliot: Um...
She ditches her book and drink and hides under the covers.
Elliot: Sorry, hi Dr. Kelso, I just, uh...I--um..... I was on call. Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I have the call sheet right here, and, uh...[reads]...your name doesn't seem to be on it? But what do I know.... I'm just a kindly old man who doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
Elliot: Oh, I've just been so swamped with work, I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
He sits down next to her.
Dr. Kelso: [sympathetic] I understand. Life is hard, and all that. But, if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check...or a massive coronary in the next five seconds. And, believe me, missy, either one's fine with me. [smiles]
Elliot: Thank you, sir?
Dr. Kelso: No problem.

Scene

Hospital Parking Lot
J.D. and Lisa are walking back from their date.
J.D.: I had a really good time tonight.
Lisa: I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous when you spent the first five minutes talking through a napkin.
J.D.: Oh, that wasn't me -- that was Nappy, The Ice-Breaking Puppet.
Lisa: Oh!
J.D.: That little guy earned his money tonight.
Lisa: So you think you're in, huh?
J.D.: [smug] Oh, come on, I am so in.
Lisa: Come on, you can't be sure.
J.D.: No, I feel pretty good about it. You want me.
Lisa: [playful] I don't!
J.D.: Uh, yeah, I'm a doctor; all the symptoms are there -- you do. [laughs]
Lisa: Just kiss me.
He leans in for a kiss, taking a glimpse of Lisa's décolletage, and suddenly gets a flash of Mrs. Watson's neck sore.
He rears back.
J.D.: Whoa. Heh. Uh.... You know, I thought I had to sneeze, but it was a false alarm. Let's do this.
Lisa: Okay.
He tries again, but as he nears her lips, he gets a flash of the smoker's puckered mouth.
He jerks back.
J.D.: You know what it is? It's like a tickling. I got this, like--this, like weird, like...it's a flutter. Erp!
Lisa: Nappy?--
J.D.: Yeah?
Lisa: --I want you to stop fooling around, and [memories of the smoker lady echo] Give me a kiss.
He stares at her...and then up at the Hospital Monster.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess you never know how the monster's gonna attack.
Sometimes it makes you so tired of taking care of people at work, you can't bear the thought of taking care of someone at home.
Perry sits alone in a bar, his cell phone in front of him. When it rings, he just turns it off.
Meanwhile, Carla comes to sit next to Turk on the couch...
Carla: All right, we need to talk about this.
Turk's beeper goes off.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes it pulls you away at the absolute worst time.
Turk: Babe, I'm sorry.
He gives her a quick kiss then gets up and leaves.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes it even takes the roof over your head.
Meanwhile, Elliot is trying to get some sleep in the cab of her moving truck.
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, the monster takes something you never thought you could lose....
J.D. finally kisses Lisa. He looks underwhelmed.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Like your mojo.
Lisa: Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just having a really good time?
J.D.: Actually, it's a roll of quarters. [he holds it up] It's uh...laundry day! Heh.
Lisa: Oh.
There's an uncomfortable silence.
J.D.: See ya.
He abandons her there.

Act

Hospital, Exterior -- The Next Day
The monster continues its wicked rein of terror.
Cut to...Interior -- Hall
J.D. is coming in to work.
J.D.'s Thoughts: So, Little J.D. isn't rising to the occasion. It's not a big deal! Nobody knows about this but me!
He passes Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie, what's up?
J.D.: Everything! Everything's up!
He passes Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Rise and shine, sport!
J.D.'s Thoughts: What, did someone send out a flier?!
He passes Todd.
Todd: Hey, J.D.! How's your penis?
J.D.'s Thoughts: All right, calm down, he says that to everyone.
Todd passes another doctor.
Todd: Hey, Goldman! How's your penis?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you're freaking out! Just keep your head down, and move.
J.D. stares at the floor as he continues down the hall, past the Janitor.
Janitor: Hm? Oh, I get it! I haven't paid you back, so you won't even look at me?
J.D.: No.
Janitor: It's been one day, you greedy little bastard!
J.D. continues on.
J.D.'s Thoughts: [directed at Little J.D.] See what you did!
Cut to...?
Elliot is trying to work after a poor night's sleep.
The intercom with Dr. Kelso's voice stirs her:
Dr. Kelso: [on intercom] Dr. Reid, your truck is double-parked.
She whimpers.
J.D.'s Narration: Luckily for me, I had a friend I could talk to about anything.
Cut to...?
J.D. approaches Turk.
J.D.: Hey, Turk. Do you ever have any trouble getting your [lowers voice] manhood going?
Turk: Hell, no!
He goes on his way.
J.D.: [calling after] Heh, heh. Me neither, dawg!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Apparently I'm the only one here with women problems.
Jordan is talking to Dr. Cox...
Jordan: Listen, Perry, shockingly, I'm not really looking to make the permanent move to your little bachelor cave over there at Swingers Towers. What happened is, is you made a kind gesture, and I made the mistake of thinking you could follow actually through with it. Do you get it?
Carla is talking to Turk...
Carla: You don't get it, do you, Turk? We've only been together for a year-and-a-half -- the romance can't be gone yet! Does this make any sense to you?
Lisa is talking to J.D...
Lisa: Because it doesn't to me. One minute, we're clicking; and the next, you're running for your life. What's going on?
J.D.'s Narration: I know we seem insensitive, but in a crunch-time, most guys are smart enough to say the right thing.
Turk responds to Carla...
Turk: Baby...you have got to chill!
Dr. Cox responds to Jordan...
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, um...crazy person says what?
Jordan: What!?
Dr. Cox: Thatta girl.
J.D.'s Narration: But sometimes the worst thing a guy can say is nothing at all.
J.D. has no excuse for Lisa...
Lisa: You know what? Forget it.

Scene

Nurses' Station
Dr. Kelso stops for a word with Elliot.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! I have no reading material for my daily post-lunch...well, let's just call it "reading session." I need your research proposal. Or a Vanity Fair if you have one.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, if I could just get...a little more time on that---
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm fresh out of special treatment today. I used it all trying not to stare at that albino doctor down in Radiology.
He leaves.
Elliot starts freaking out.
Carla: Don't let him get to you! Just keep saying positive things to yourself.
Elliot: It's too much! I'm just one person!
Carla: Atta girl!
Elliot: Sometimes I just get so jealous of Turk, you know? I mean, we're residents now, and we're just so swamped, and he just never seems to show it. I guess...that's because he's got you to pick up the slack when he doesn't have the energy.
Carla: Yeah.... You would think so.
Elliot's phone rings. She ignores it.
Carla: Aren't you gonna get that?
Elliot: Nah, it's just Todd. He's already called, like, four times to ask if I want to move into his pants.
Carla looks across the Station and, sure enough, there's Todd on one of the phones.
Cut to...
Cafeteria
Turk and J.D. sit across from each other at a table, though they're lost in their own little worlds.
Dr. Cox is at one nearby, equally contemplative.
J.D.'s Narration: You never expect a cliché to be an actual conversation starter.
Turk: Women! Huh?
Dr. Cox: Tell me about it.
J.D.: It's like they're from another planet!
Dr. Cox stands and moves over to the guys' table.
Dr. Cox: Okay. I'm going to engage you two in a conversation. And you speak of it to no one, agreed?
J.D.: Okay...?
Dr. Cox: It has gotten to the point where I'm starting to go back in my head over all my old relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to sit here and count up all the women I've ever slept with....
Turk: Twelve.
J.D.: Nine.
Dr. Cox: Eighteen. But not one of them ever really understood me.
Turk: I'm feelin' you, man. I mean, I consider myself a really romantic guy who's just a little stressed out. And I thought the one person who'd understand that would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: You know what the weird thing is, is that I'm actually _trying_ this time.
Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants.
Dr. Cox: I just wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
J.D.: My peep's on the fritz.
The dour mood suddenly shifts.
Turk: Dude!
Turk and Dr. Cox start laughing sympathetically.
Dr. Cox: Oh, poor Newbie.
J.D.: No, no! No, no, no, no! No, I'm talking about you guys! 'Cause y-y-y-you guys are like--you guys are like my peeps, you're my dawgs, and you on the fritz. So, there--that's where I get "peeps"/"fritz" came from.
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie.
Turk whistles "Wow."
Dr. Cox: Thank you for...giving me some perspective.
Feeling better about themselves, they leave J.D. at the table to feel awkward about himself.
He's not given long, as the Janitor comes up to him, loudly slurping a mug.
He tips it over in front of J.D., and a bunch of coins pour out.
Janitor: There's your stupid dollar. And, by the way, your new nickname is Pee-Pee LeFritz. Enjoy.
He leaves.
J.D. angrily swats at the pile of coins, scattering them onto the floor.

Scene

Parking Lot -- Dusk
J.D. is leaving. He passes Elliot's moving truck, the back of which reveals Elliot, spitting while brushing her teeth.
Elliot: Hey.
J.D.: Is this where you're sleeping tonight?
Elliot: Yeah, so? It's, uh, it's cozy.... Hospital-adjacent.
J.D.: Elliot! Come on! This is crazy -- you're living out of a van like a hobo...or...Jewel.
Elliot: Her poetry changed my life.
J.D.: Look, I know you want to show everyone you can stand on your own two feet, but you don't have to prove anything to me. Come on, come stay with me and Turk.
Cut to...
The Hospital Roof -- Evening
Turk joins Carla, who has been waiting.
Turk: What'd you page me to the roof for?
Carla: Well, I was thinking that you work so hard.... And that if I want surprise and romance that maybe it's my turn to be the one who brings it. So, I brought us a couple of salads...
She presents them, to his chagrin.
Turk: That's great.
Carla: ...a box of thirty-six hot-wings...
She presents those, and he grins.
Turk: Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Carla: ...and some blue cheese dressing!
He shouts to the city:
Turk: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
J.D.'s Narration: I guess, in the end, the monster's always gonna be there.
The trick is to not let it beat you.
Cut to...Dr. Cox's Apartment
Dr. Cox comes home to Jordan, with a bag of food.
She inspects the contents, then looks up at him.
Jordan: Curly fries?
He does a brief fake-out, then whips the fries from behind his back.
Dr. Cox: Aww! [laughs]
She grins.
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes that means letting a friend help you out.
Cut to...
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
J.D. is helping Elliot settle in.
Elliot: Um...thanks again, J.D.
J.D.: Don't sweat it. Well, have a good night.
Elliot: You too.
She moves into the bathroom to finish getting ready for bed, and J.D. heads for his room.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I just have to hope that my problem will eventually work itself out.
"Dreaming of You" by The Coral begins as J.D. closes his door, then opens it again. He pokes his head out and watches Elliot, in little shorts and a tank top, bent over brushing her hair.
He approaches her and she stands to look at him, then drops the brush as he pulls her into a kiss.
It sparks a frenzied make-out session throughout the apartment...clothes are ditched, Rowdy is knocked over (and set back up again), and unfilmed carnality ensues.
The camera rejoins them, snuggled together on the couch.
They kiss.
Elliot: Merry Christmas.
J.D.: It was exactly what I wanted.
The music fades. The camera pans over to the tree.

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