The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Life in Four Cameras".


TURK, CARLA & J.D.'S APARTMENT -- EVENING Kylie sits on the couch, the center of Turk and J.D.'s attention. Carla is nearby.

J.D.'s Narration: Things were amazing with Kylie. But before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me.

J.D.: Name three spin-offs of the sitcom 'Happy Days'.

Kylie: 'Mork & Mindy', 'Laverne & Shirley', and 'Joanie Loves Chachi'.

Turk: You marry her. You marry her now! You marry her!

J.D.: Okay, okay, we passed Section One -- "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners." Now on to Section Two -- "Fat, tubby T.V. husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."

Carla: Hey, we're missing 'Sanford and Son'!

Turk: What!?

Carla: [Plopping in Turk's lap] Yes!

J.D.'s Narration: Turk was freaked out because Carla never joins us on 'Sanford and Son' night. Or 'Cheers' night. I think it was because she was feeling a little romantically competitive with Kylie and me.

Carla watches Kylie give J.D. a kiss on the cheek. She turns and licks Turk's face.

Turk: Woman! Woman!

Carla: Hm?

Turk: I am not a lollipop! [To the 'Sanford and Son' theme] Quiet down now, it is time to watch the show! Yes, it's started, don't be lickin' me no mo'. Matter'a fact could you get me a handy-wiiiipe?

Carla swats his damp cheek.

J.D.'s Narration: Carla certainly tried to be as adorable as us...

Time Lapse... Later. The two couples compete in arm wrestling.

J.D.: [Giving in to Kylie] Uh! Darn it! You won!

J.D.'s Narration: ...unfortunately, Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.

Turk slams Carla's arm down.


Time Lapse... The Next Morning. Carla and Turk are at the table having breakfast. The doorbell rings and J.D. rushes to answer.

J.D.: YES! Ten to nine!

He opens the door to Kylie.

Kylie: Hi.

J.D.: Hi.

They kiss.

Kylie: Bye.

J.D.: Bye.

Kylie leaves.

J.D.: Ahh. Kylie's in class all day and she bartends at night, and I'm still working sixteen-hour shifts, so we try to make sure we kiss at least once a day. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, she takes a cab over here; Tuesdays and Thursdays, I scooter to my baby!

Turk: Honey. I haven't foofied in bed in like a week!

Their attention is attracted by a news bulletin on the T.V.

Newscaster: With twenty-seven deaths so far, this strain of E. coli from tainted meat is quite serious. So if you're a big meat-eater, be careful!

They all groan.

J.D.'s Narration: The reason we were upset was that every time the media reports on some weird health crisis, everyone who sees it thinks they have it.

Cut to... HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS J.D. and Elliot cautiously enter. The place is empty and peaceful.

Elliot: Oh, it's not so bad. It's only a few people here.

There's a rumbling of the earth. J.D. and Elliot tense up. Outside, a stampede of concerned citizens swarm the hospital and flood in, surrounding J.D. and Elliot. The din of their pleas for attention are deafening.

Elliot climbs on a chair.


They quiet.

Elliot: Ahem. Thank you. Now, who's first?

They all begin shouting and waving.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, there's always one positive when something like this happens.

Cut to... WHELCHAIR RAMP J.D. crowd surfs over the people.

J.D.: WOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOHOOHOOHOOOO! I LOVE MEDICINE! Whoa, grandma! That's my no-fly zone. Ooh!


ADMISSIONS J.D. and Elliot have somewhat organized the mob as Dr. Cox enters.

Elliot: Uh, Dr. Cox! We are having a bit of a crisis here.

Dr. Cox: I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit.

J.D. and Elliot look at each other and notice that they have in fact both dressed in the same olive long-sleeved tee and navy scrubs.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, if it's of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.

Elliot: No, I'm talking about-- [Laughs, flattered.] Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Sure.

J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?

Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax, I've been involved in every ridiculous T.V.-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you're actually fornicating with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this: Narrow it down to two symptoms -- vomiting and diarrhea. Because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.

He continues in.

J.D.: [Under breath] I sure hope I don't have dog flu.

Cut to... J.D. talking to one of the hopeful patients.

J.D.: Well, Mr. Bernstein, do you have vomiting and diarrhea?

Mr. Bernstein: No.

Quick cut.

Woman: No.

Quick cut.

Man: No.

Quick cut.

Woman 2: No.

Quick cut.

Man 2: No!

Quick cut.

Woman 3: No.

Quick cut to... Another patient, a middle-aged Mr. James.

Mr. James: No.

J.D.: Okay, then, Mr. James, you're free-- [glances at the chart.] Wait a second, Charles James? I was watching the 'Cheers' DVD the other night -- are you Charles James the writer?

Mr. James: Yeah, that's me.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Just. Stay. Calm.

J.D.: Uh, Elliot, I need to take this gentleman upstairs for some more, uh, tests.

Elliot: J.D., don't leave me here.

J.D.: This is very important! He may even need a surgical consult.

Cut to... EXAM ROOM J.D. and Turk stand in front of Mr. James.

Turk &: Nooooorrm! J.D.

Mr. James: Yeah, I get it.

They cheer excitedly.


NURSES' STATION A happy Turk approaches Carla at the desk and gives her a deep kiss.

Carla: Whoa-ho! What are you doing? No tongue before ten.

Turk: Baby, J.D. and Kylie can make time for that stupid appointment kiss once a day -- we should be able to do it twice a day!

Carla: Love is not a competition.

Turk: Okay.

Carla: Make it three times.

Turk: All right, bet. See you at noon?

Carla: Noon.

Turk takes off again. Dr. Kelso sidles over from the Nourishment Station. Dr. Cox and Jordan also arrive.

Dr. Kelso: You youngsters. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.

Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

Dr. Kelso: Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patients rooms. To sum up, floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't've worked.

He leaves. Carla looks at Cox expectantly.

Carla: Well?

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?

Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?

Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.

Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?

Jordan: Again, last night!

Carla: You've gone soft.

Jordan: [Gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.

Carla: Look, you're the only one who can stand up to Kelso.

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring.

He puts on a blank expression and shrugs.

Carla: Okay, Jordan, little help.

Jordan: If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making you.

Perry turns down the hall.

Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard?! KELSO!


EXAM ROOM Turk's back with J.D. and Mr. James.

Turk: My wife's name's Carla.

J.D.: Yeah!

Turk: Yeah! Like Carla from the show.

J.D.: Just like it.

Mr. James: Wow.... I've never actually met anyone who had the same name as a character on the show.

J.D. & Turk: Really?

Mr. James: No.

J.D.: Oh, well, that's understandable --

Turk: Yeah.

J.D.: -- I mean, there's a lot of Sams....

Turk: There's probably a lot of Carlas--

Elliot, rather mussed, comes to the open door.

Elliot: Excuse me, J.D.! Ahem. I just spent the last three hours interviewing two hundred and twelve hypochondriacs -- half of whom don't speak any English! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to mime "diarrhea"!?

J.D.: [To Mr. James] Talk about your Dianes!

Turk laughs, then notices the time.

Turk: Oh, damn! It's kiss time!

He hurries from the room.

Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Carla notices the time and hurries down the hall.

Carla: Ooh!

As soon as she's cleared, the elevator opens and Turk emerges, looking for his bride.

He spots the back of her down the hall and approaches, tapping her on the shoulder.

Turk: Ahh. Baby.

When "she" turns around, though, "she" turns out to be a guy with the same hairstyle. Turk shrieks.

Cut to... CAFETERIA Carla rushes in and spots the back of Turk at a table. She approaches him, but "he" turns around and turns out to be a bald black woman.

Turk rushes in.

Turk: Baby!

Carla turns around, relieved at the sound of his voice.

Turk: Come here, girl! [Points at his mouth.] Right here! That's where I want it! I want it right there!

Turk & Carla: [Kissing] Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Carla: Where've you been?

Turk: I was up at the Nurses' Station!--

Carla: I was looking all over for you!--

Turk: We--

Their beepers go off.

Turk & Carla: Gotta go.

They split and go off. Dr. Cox enters, approaching Dr. Kelso from behind.

Dr. Cox: Bob. Bob.

When "he" turns around, guess what? It's a woman with the same haircut.

Dr. Cox: Sorry, Madge.

The real Kelso pipes up from the next table where he's surrounded with paperwork.

Dr. Kelso: What do you want, Perry?

Dr. Cox: Bob, enough of the stinking budget cuts, already!

Dr. Kelso: Noted. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fire someone.

Dr. Cox: Oh, baloney, old man!

Dr. Kelso: I have to cut twenty-seven thousand dollars from the cafeteria budget! And my idea of getting it all back by charging a hundred bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window when Fat Frank decided to go on that power diet!

They look over at Fat Frank (a moniker which doesn't really fit anymore), who stands with the waist of his enormous pants stretched out in front of him like a person in a diet ad.

Fat Frank: I lost over two hundred-thirty pounds so far!

Dr. Kelso: I don't know why he keeps wearing those pants.

Dr. Cox: All right, fair enough. [Grabs Kelso's paperwork.] Now I got your little budget reports! You don't know who to fire, do you!

Dr. Kelso: [Stands.] Fine. Keep 'em. You do it!

He leaves, and Cox takes a seat at the table.

Dr. Cox: Watch and learn. I'll do it, and I'll do it without firing a single person.

He knuckles down to the reports and we watch a time lapse as people disappear from the cafeteria, Cox gets further into the paperwork and ditches his white coat to get more comfortable. At the end of the dissolve, he looks up with his final, miserable solution.

Dr. Cox: I have to fire someone.


HALL J.D. and Elliot stand outside the exam room where Mr. James is waiting.

Elliot: I can't believe you left me all alone for a stupid T.V. writer.

J.D.: Oh, like that is any different from the time you spent all night hanging out with your favorite weatherman from channel 4!

Elliot: The man had a massive heart attack! I was nothing but professional!


Carla goes over a chart as Elliot pulls the unconscious man up into a more seated position.

Elliot: Okay, he's stable! Take the picture, Carla!

She leans in next to the poor guy and makes a goofy face as Carla produces a camera and snaps a picture.


J.D.: What do you want me to do?

Elliot: I want you to go in there and tell Mr. James that there's absolutely no reason for him to be up here.

Behind them, Mr. James starts coughing violently. J.D. and Elliot go back in.

J.D.: Mr. James, how long have you had that cough?

Mr. James: Oh, a couple of months now.

J.D.: Am I wrong, Elliot, or is that the kind of cough that needs a chest x-ray?

Elliot: [Beaten] Probably.

J.D.: Thank you.


FIRST FLOOR HALL Turk walks through, joined by a colleague, Figsack, who's all geared up for some basketball.

Figsack: Hey, yo, Turk.

Turk: What's up?

Figsack: I got a break. You wanna play some ball?

Turk: Definitely.

He takes his phone out and dials.

Turk: [On phone] Baby. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to make our next appointment kiss.

Meanwhile... FRONT DESK Carla is there.

Carla: [On phone] I'm swamped, too. Yeah, right now I'm helping Dr. Schwartz reset a patient's leg. [Takes a bite of her apple. Mouth full] Oh, I think you got it, Dr. Schwartz.

At that moment, Turk (phone still to his ear) and Figsack enter the admissions area.

Carla: [Gasps. Mouth still full] You're a liar!


CAFETERIA Perry, all dejected looking, and Jordan occupy a table next to the window.

Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry! Adjust your bra, man up, and fire the one with the least pathetic story!

Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?

The Janitor leans over his shoulder.

Janitor: Well, let me fill you in. [Gesturing to different cafeteria staffers:] First we have Hank -- four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next one is Mike -- lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy -- been here thirty years, just two away from retirement.

Jordan: You''re friends with all these people?

Janitor: You kidding me? I read their files. [Holds up a set of keys.] I read everybody's files, Ms. Manic-Depressive, Dr. Drinks A Lot.

Dr. Cox: Hold your horses. Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you please?

A young, rather dorky young man in a cafeteria smock, Kenny, comes over with a pot of coffee.

Kenny: Looks like you folks could use a little refresher! [Laughs and pours.] Serving people like you who save lives every day, makes me happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow! [Giggles.] God bless ya! God bless ya.

He goes off again.

Dr. Cox: I have to fire Opie, don't I.

Jordan: You think?


I.C.U. J.D. and Elliot look over Mr. James' lung scans.

Elliot: Metastatic lung cancer? How was he even walking around with this?

J.D.: At worst I thought maybe he had a bad case of bronchitis.

Elliot: This is gonna suck.

They go over to one of the beds where Mr. James waits.

Mr. James: Why'd they move me up here?

J.D.: Uh, Mr. James, I'm not quite sure how to say this, have lung cancer...

He continues explaining the diagnosis to the stunned man, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: It was strange telling Mr. James he may only have a few weeks to live when just a few short hours ago we all thought he was fine. It made me realize something. Whether it was giving bad news to a patient...

Cut to... ADMISSIONS Carla and Turk stand next to each other, guiltily avoiding one another's gaze.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or realizing your relationship may not be as stable as you thought...

Carla: We couldn't even make it one day.

Cut to... CAFETERIA Dr. Cox approaches Kenny.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or having to do someone else's dirty work for them...

Dr. Cox: Say, Kenny? Can I talk to you for a second?

Cut to... I.C.U. J.D. finishes delivering the news.

J.D.'s Narration: ...there are moments when we all wish life was more like a sitcom.

Elliot: I'm so sorry.

      • FANTASY: The Unit suddenly takes on the cheery colors and lighting of a unidimensional sitcom set.

J.D.: I'm sorry, too, sir.

Mr. James: Well, the good news is I won't have to eat my wife's cooking anymore, right!

Elliot laughs exaggeratedly. The studio audience joins in.

The camera pulls back to reveal J.D.'s face focused on by one of the several cameras on set.

J.D.'s Thoughts: J.D.'s sitcom fantasy will be back after these messages!

Be-boppy music plays us out.


Be-boppy music plays us back in.

J.D.'s Thoughts: J.D.'s sitcom fantasy is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

J.D. looks sitcom Elliot up and down -- from her perfectly coifed hair to her perfectly low-cut scrubs top, to her perfectly high-cut scrubs skirt and heels. The audience laughs. He reaches a tentative finger towards her perfectly ample cleavage. She shoots him a dirty look. They go back over to Mr. James' bed.

Mr. James: It's weird, there's just so many things I never got to do in my go to a carnival or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.

Elliot: We can do all that! We are gonna give you the best day ever!

The audience laughs.

J.D.: Elliot, a word!

He drags her off to the side. The audience laughs.

J.D.: A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous, I mean, he could get hurt.

Elliot: What's he gonna do? Bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?

The audience laughs.

J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot.

Elliot: Oh, my God. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you!

J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

The audience laughs.

J.D.: Besides, I defy you to find one other thing that I'm afraid of!

The Janitor bursts in, riding his supply cart.

Janitor: Mopping time! Mopping time! It's mopping time!

The audience whoops and cheers.

Janitor: Yes, it's mopping time, my friend! And as you know, I always like to start in the exact spot you're standing. Let's get to work.

The audience laughs.

Janitor: Here we go.

He pulls his mop out of the bucket and sets to mopping around J.D.'s feet.

J.D.: Is that my new sweater?!

The Janitor holds up the end of the mop, with a dripping brown sweater attached to the head.

Janitor: No, this is my new sweater mop.

The audience laughs.

J.D.: It went dynamite with my beige cords!

The audience laughs.

Janitor: [Holding up a soppy wad of material] You mean my beige cord sponge?

The audience laughs.

Cut to... ADMISSIONS SET Dr. Cox and Jordan stand at the front desk. Kenny enters. The audience cheers the special guest.

Kenny: You-- [Waits for the audience to die down.] You wanted to see me?

Dr. Cox: Hell yeah, I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I...I think you're doing a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today, it was--it was virtually hairless.

The audience laughs.

Kenny: I took off the gloves makes the hair a lot easier to...pick out.

The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: Get outta here.

The audience laughs more as Kenny exits. Dr. Kelso passes him on his way in.

Dr. Kelso: Perry? Why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria, there had better be only three workers there! Unless Margaret spits out another kid -- that woman's like a Catholic bunny.

The audience laughs.

Dr. Kelso: Get it done!

He exits. Perry turns to Jordan.

Dr. Cox: Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this?

Jordan: Because apparently you have girl parts!

The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: Kelso said that if we can cover his salary in the budget, that Kenny can stay! But where are we gonna come up twenty-six thousand, three-hundred and seventy-two dollars?

A muscular man hammers a banner on the wall advertising a Sacred Heart talent show -- winning prize $26,372!

The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: [Giddy] You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Jordan: [Giggling] Yeah! That--that--ohhhh! That we invite Muscles, here, to hang a banner in our bedroom that says "It takes three to party"?

The audience laughs. Dr. Cox turns to the whole staff that are now suddenly here.

Dr. Cox: All right [whistles], knuckleheads! I need one of you to win this talent show!

Elliot: I can do Shakespeare in German!

The audience titters at the look J.D. gives Elliot.

Elliot: In college I double majored in theatre and classic languages.

J.D.: Does that degree come with headgear and allergies?

J.D. gives a Mr. Roperish smug grin. The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: Let's take a look at our other options. Gandhi? You appear to be a man that is utterly without talent. Unless, of course, you wanna count the fact that you are the twentieth-best basketball player in a predominately white hospital?

The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, your only skill is illegal in twenty-six states.

Jordan: It's twenty-seven. Arkansas buckled.

The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: Carla, that makes you my girl. Hell, we could crank up the humidity and watch your hair explode, that'd be terrific.

The audience laughs.

Dr. Cox: Which leaves me, and, unless all of you wanna see me turn a two-syllable word into a six-syllable word, I re-he-he-he-he-heally think [the audience laughs] that we should keep looking. Newbie! Almost forgot about you!

J.D.: [Strapping on goggles] You know what, save your breath! I'm about to get in a hot-air balloon and get Evil Knievel on my own ass!

The audience laughs.

J.D.: Come on, Elliot! Let's go French kiss the sun!

The audience laughs as he and Elliot exit.

Carla: You know, you're wrong about Turk -- he has many, many talents. Yeah, he's really good at not finding five seconds to kiss his wife.

Turk: Wow! That's interesting, because you're really good at that, too!

Carla: Oh, really?

Turk: Really.

Carla: Really?

Turk: Really!

Carla: Because at least I can remember how long we been married or what our song is!

Turk: I don't know the name of it, but I know it goes like this! [Hums "Let's All Go to the Lobby."]

The audience laughs.

Carla: Are you humming the "let's all go to the movies" song?

The audience laughs.

Turk: Is that not our song?

The audience laughs.

Carla: It's sung by hot dogs!

The audience laughs.

Cut to... I.C.U. SET Elliot is at Mr. James' bed.

Mr. James: What an amazing day! A balloon ride! Lunch by the beach! And my first carnival!

Elliot: Yeah. Sorry you missed out on getting your face painted.

Mr. James: Well, they only had time to paint one more face, so I let the kid behind me go, make him stop crying.

J.D. enters with a Spiderman mask painted on his face.

J.D.: That was awesome!

The audience laughs. Dr. Cox enters.

Dr. Cox: Spidergirl.

The audience laughs; their amusement escalates when J.D. mimics webslinging.

Dr. Cox: All right, talent show's about to start.

Mr. James: Talent show? I'd love to see it, but I'm too tired to get out of bed.

J.D.: That sucks for you!

The audience laughs.

J.D.: I'm just kidding! We're gonna do it right here!

Time Lapse... Metallic privacy curtains are set up as a backdrop for the talent show, where Carla and Elliot are quite elaborately costumed as Romeo and Juliet, respectively.

Elliot: [As Juliet, in exaggerated German] Oh, Romeo, Romeo, Warum bist du Romeo? Verleugne deinen Vater und entsage deinem Namen. Oder wenn du das nicht willst, so SCHWÖRE hier... [Why are you Romeo? Deny your father and swear off your name. Or if you do not want that, so SWEAR here...]

The audience laughs.

Carla: [As Romeo] Gesundheit.

The audience laughs more.

Time Lapse... The Janitor has a sport coat over his uniform and stands in front of the gathered patients and staff with a microphone.

Janitor: Hey, I'm wondering, what's the story with steel wool? I mean, is it steel or is it wool?

Stone faces from the staff and patients. The audience laughs.

Janitor: Make up your mind, steel wool. Are there iron sheep hopping around in Scotland?

More stone faces. The audience laughs.

Janitor: Oh, brother. Look, I, uh...either start laughing or I start unplugging your machines.

The audience laughs.

Time Lapse... J.D. stands high above the Unit in a long white coat, holding a chicken.

J.D.: And if any of you cows, goats, or ducks have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me! I'm just like all of you, only giant and human!

The audience laughs.

J.D.: Thank you. I hope you enjoyed our production of World's Most Giant Doctor Goes to the Farm.

Turk sticks his head out of the bottom of the coat.

Turk: So what did we end up going with?

J.D. lowers the chicken; it clucks.

Turk: Ah! You went with the farm idea!

The audience laughs.

Time Lapse... Everyone is gathered around Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: Oh my God, we're doomed.

The audience laughs.

Dr. Kelso: Okay, Perry! That's it, it's over. The only act left to see is you firing that guy.

Jordan: Wait, wait, wait! There's one more contestant!

She points as Kenny comes out, all slick in a suit and gelled hair.

Dr. Cox: Oh, no. Is that Kenny?

Kenny: Hi, I'm Kenny.

The audience cheers.

Jordan: Yeah it is.

Kenny: [Singing] Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she precious? Less than one minute old...

The gang gathered around sway happily to the music.

Carla: Hey, that--that's our song!

Turk: Yeah, I know, I told him to sing it.

The audience laughs. As Kenny continues to sing their song, Carla kisses Turk. The audience cheers.

Kenny: [Singing] ...Isn't she lovely, made from love!

The audience cheers the performance.

Dr. Cox: All right now, Bobbo, you give it to him. You know he deserves it.

Dr. Kelso: [Raising Kenny's arm] The winner!

The staff and patients cheer, as does the studio audience.

Dr. Cox: Atta boy!

Carla: Uh, Turk and I are gonna go home and spend some time together. Some GOOD TIME!

The audience laughs and "wooo!"s.

Turk: And by "good time" she means bumping uglies!

The audience laughs as Turk and Carla run out. J.D. and Elliot go over to Mr. James' bed.

J.D.: Well, I hope you had a good day, Mr. James!

Elliot: [Noticing the chart] Wait a second! This chart isn't for Charles James, it's for James Charles! He's the one who has cancer, not you!

J.D.: And who cares about him! He's anti-Semitic!

The audience laughs.

Mr. James: Well, that's a load off my mind!

J.D.: Hey everybody!

They all immediately gather around the bed. The audience laughs.

J.D.: Thanks for coming so quickly.

The audience laughs.

J.D.: You know, this is the kind of thing I normally say out loud in my head, but since we're all here...

He moves out to the front of the set and faces the audience, lip synching his reverb'd narration.

J.D.: It just seems like, in the end, everything always works out. Because as long as we--

Mr. James groans and collapses.

Elliot: Mr. James? Mr. James, can you hear me? He's apnic! We need an airway! Call anesthesia! Bag him.

The opening bars of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" come in. (Only used in original airings)

J.D.: Wait, this isn't right.

Elliot: We're gonna intubate!


Elliot struggles to revive the flat-lined Mr. James as various staff rush to carry out her orders. Colin Hay comes in with the lyrics of the song.

Elliot: (?...) dopamine! Wide open! I need an ET tube. Where's anesthesia?

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, around here things don't always end as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms.

Unable to contribute to the lost cause, J.D. heads out.

Meanwhile... DOCTORS' LOUNGE Turk and Carla sit side by side on the couch.

J.D.'s Narration: Relationships aren't always magically fixed in thirty minutes -- you have to work on them.

Turk opens his hand to her and she holds it.

Meanwhile... CAFETERIA An emotionally-drained Dr. Cox stands near the door as Kenny storms out.

J.D.'s Narration: Problems don't always have easy solutions.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Kenny, once again I'm...I'm real sorry.

Dr. Kelso: Welcome to my world. Now, imagine going home to my wife.

Meanwhile... FIRST FLOOR HALL J.D. sadly leaves the building.

J.D.'s Narration: And around here, nice people don't always get better.

Cut to... TURK, CARLA & J.D.'S APARTMENT -- LATER J.D. sits on the couch in front of the T.V., laughing along with the audience.

J.D.'s Narration: And at times like that, it's comforting to know there's always one thing that can pick your spirits up.

The song ends. Fade to black.


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