The following is a transcript for the episode "My House"
Elliot has just finished her last shift at Sacred Heart before starting her new career in private practice. Can't believe it's all over. God, so many memories, so many many memories. Who wants to say something first? Elliot your new office is right there. Nothing gonna change but your lab coat. Anyone else wanna go? Speaking of new jobs, I wasn't thrilled that my pregnant girlfriend w as offered a research grant in Tacoma. On the upside I can give her a dramatic "don't go" kisses whenever I felt like it. Oh that was hot stud but I think it's just my leg that supposed to be up. JD, this is gonna be such a tough decision. Ok, I don't know if you're aware of this but I've been really digging you lately. No I'm aware baby. Oh my god, she likes me. Still I'd only be gone 4 month, and you don't wanna be around me when I'm pregnant. All women of my family go phycho. - Yeah but - I wasn't finished! You know, I'm back, I'm back, it's perfectly fine, I just hit the wall. Look whatever your decision is I support you. Oh, you're so awesome JD. My lips tasted weird. Hey, look who I brought to see her mama. Somebody else's child? We had a code pink people, somebody just stole a baby. just shut that. Baby, so after I take this kid back to the nursery, I was thinking maybe we could pack up you and Isabella at home? Turk, I can't handle going home right now. This place is really expensive honey. I don't know if you noticed but the ice-pack you've been put on your hooey, run about 42 bucks of pop. My body's a disaster zone right now, but it will get better. So if you want to get near it ever again I would stop talking about money. Alright who can tell me anything about Mr Pierce? He uses oil heater at his house in New Hampshire. That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid. Either way I'm whacking you with my clipboard brace yourself. Wait. He's hypoxic, with a clear chest x-ray, which can be a sign of carbon monoxyd poisoning. I learn that watching House. House is a genious. That's it I'm waking both of you. Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night dreaming of cracking a real life medical mystery so that some doctor / supermodel will want to touch your eruption button. But, here's the bad news, this isn't a tv show, there aren't any cameras over here, real medical mysteries don't happen every week and doctor damn sure don't look like models, they look like Rex. What? Chin up, you ugly bastard. So if you wanna solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my NY Times every sunday. Or better yet how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks Dan Cook is funny. As far as Mr Pierce goes, he has run-of-the-mill pulmonary embolism and I know, I know it is a boring medical diagnosys. But that's what hospitals are : boring. Here, there's that baby you stole. Kinda miss the little cutie. We really bonded. Oh come on, that kid doesn't remember you. So you're really cool if Kim decides to take this job? Hell no man, she's gonna be all way in Washington and phone sex is out of the question because I'm righty when I'm talking on the phone but I'm also a righty when I'm teaching mini JD who daddy is. Can't you work your way around that? I'm screwed dude, I mean if I ask her to stay she's gonna resent me forever. You know what I've got to do, I've got to be the best boyfriend ever so she never wants to leave me. Turkleton. I need a word. I wanted to give you your payckeck in person, so you can handed back to me to pay your bill. Why you don't just hold on to that sir. That's not how it works. Now I'm going to handed it to you, I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me. Splendid. Nurse Espinoza, Mi hospital es su hospital No problemo chiefo. Nice new digs, looks like you can use a new coat of paint, though. If you're interested PAINTER CALL JANITOR Thank you. Now, I just gotta find someone to replace this rug. Air traffic controller, gemologist, captain of industry, middle reliever, ruggist. I've invented a machin that prints business cards. That's already been invented. Oh yeah I know but mine also fires paint pellets. How about it? Observe. Curved off to the left, that was working great yesterday at the zoo. Dr Reid, I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye. Why? I'll still be working here. Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, The place that spent a fortune training you only to have you take off for greener pastures. You're like a prostitute that gets payed upfront and then bolts from the restaurant after dinner. It's about common courtesy Reid either to your boss or to a kind-hearted john who's given you a lot business over the years. So goodbye miss Mei-ling of gentle oriental escort and goodbye Dr Reid. I won't be speeking to either of you ever again. You're seriously gonna ignore me because I took another job. Hey Sarah, how are you? I'm Dr Dorian. Look you were in a consciousness when they brought you in. Do you have any family you want us to contact? That's just me and my dog Charlie, you can try him but he rarely answers his cell. What's Charlie's cellphone number? Ok. Other that the obvious loss of sense of humor, I undertand you've been having palpitation and shortness of breath. We'll run some tests and see what's happening. There's my girl. Hey I got you something. It's a star. You can get them of this website and I named it after you. That so sweet. Unfortunatly "Kim" was taken, so I tried "Kim" with 2 m's , "Kim" with 3 m's, "Kim1", "Kim2". What was it called? FreckleFart90 Oh, for freckle on my ass, my lactose intolerence and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990. Yes. That was so lucky. How can I ever leave you? It's working. Damn it. Is it the sight? I've been hit. Not the sight. Dr Cox, I need your help. - Make it quick. I gotta be somewhere. - Where? Anywhere you and I aren't talking. Go. Ok, it's Carla, I can't get her out of here and she listens to you, so I was think Say no more. You know yelling at those intern made me realize how monous it is facing the same decease day after day and then no matter what I do to entertain myself, I'm still bored, whether it's reading the paper or shaving the side burns off of a resident because his license plate says "Party Doc". About my calculation that rant is cost me $27. Excuse me Dr Cox. Yes Party Doc? I heard crying coming from this room last night, thought you should know. Don't look at me, I wasn't crying. Maybe it was Mrs mehleison, she's just got her baby yesterday. Maybe she's got post-partum depression. One of us needs to check this out. I got it. - Oh! - What? - I can't do it. - Why? Because her husband is orange. - Good afternoon. - What's up? Oh, Dr Kelso, what radiologist is on call today? Oh right, the silent treatment, well unfortunatly for you, the Reid family is actualy giving each other the silent treatment for generations. This one time my dad wasn't talking to my mum because she stop boffing the gardener right at the height of weed season. I know, she wasn't thinking. Anywho, she finally broke him down with the little ditty. Nobody can hear it without chiming in. "Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop" "Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly" "Lolly pop. " He was about to crack, Ted! What the hell? "Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop. " Well your labs are back and it's definitively heart failure. But there are no blockages, no viruses present and you have no family history of coronary desease. So why do I have heart failure? Even though real hospitals aren't like TV shows that doesn't mean there aren't mysteries like why a healthy woman heart is failing or why a grown man is orange. Grab a seat people, this just got interesting. Elliot I wouldn't take that if I were you. Or why a friend is made a you instead of the guy that being a jerk. Don't even talk to me. Of course for me the biggest mystery was what my girlfriend gonna do about her job offer. So I spent the entire day thinking, I can't leave you for 4 month. But you're so amazing about the whole thing that I finally call them and accepted the job. They want me there tonight. Can you believe it? Ok, I'm gonna get us some muffins. You're ok? Finally. No. So, you're sure you don't mind taking me to the airport tonight? Of course not babe. I had to find a new plan to keep Kim from leaving. Unfortunatly work got in the way. The only thing worse that not knowing why a patient is crashing is being offered help by the hospital grief counselor, Dr Headrick. You need help old friend? Oh yeah her kidney's are failing, give her a pep-talk, stat. Well treating her emotionaly would have nothing to do with her medical well-being. You know maybe instead of lashing out at me, you should turn that anger to the person you're really mad at. Mumy? Just a guess. It's got the be some reason why you're such a d-bag right? d-bag. Ok we have a 31 year old male who is as orange as a NBA game ball. Could you help me why? - I've got an idea. - Yeah I've got an idea too. If you wanna work, let's stop paying for the room so you can go home, then you can come back and get payed to work. Turk. I just need a break from the baby. Mr mehleison might be a vegetarian he's always eating carrots. But carrotine like jaundice turns you yellow just like a blood disorder turn you blue and tomatoes can turn you red. Sadly, there isn't anything on god green earth that turns you orange. Maybe he got freaky with some cheetos. swing and a miss, Webster. Next! Maybe he use so fake-tan cream. Used it once, turn me orange all over. There were no foreign substances found on his skin but kuddos Keith on finally outing yourself. Hello Stacy, Rebecca, Larry Jenifer, Lyle, portly island boy. I can't get Carla leave this place. Yeah I don't give a rats doo-doo maker. Why does she hate me? Don't say hate, gandhi, you keep through that word around so much it's lost all of its meaning. Now I have to find another word stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others. I mega-loathe you all. Good day.
J.D.: Here's Dr Cox, he's one of my colleagues, he's gonna help me with your diagnosis, we kind of are team mates. So Sarah here has the beginning to what looks like --
Cox: I can read a chart newbie, now leave, before I put rhinestone collar around your neck have you fixed and make you my lap doctor. - Again, team mates. - Go.
Cox: It said on your chart that you are, you're single.
Sarah: That's right. Kim's leaving the pack and I still got no plan to make her stay, it's go time. Just say the first thing that pops into your head. I'm rich. You don't have to take that job.
Kim: You're not rich.
J.D.: Oh! Yes I am Kim. And this right here, my dope-ass mercedes. I didn't want to tell you 'cause I wanted you to like me for me.
Kim: You're an idiot, JD.
J.D.: Am I Kim? Dr tabiti, Dr tabiti, I'm on the car. Larry, Larry, I'm on the car! There's my girl.
Kim: J.D., why you didn't just tell me you didn't want me to go?
J.D.: What am I supposed to say Kim? "Don't go, 'cause I'll miss you."? Kim, we both know you're always taking that job. I was always gonna want you not to.
Kim: Look, it's only 4 month. It's really good for my career.
J.D. [narrating]: And then I said something I wish I hadn't.
J.D.: Why don't you just do what's best for you.
Kim: You know what? I'll get myself to the airport.
Cox: You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality, you do.
Janitor: I've got to confess though, I cheated a little bit. I used an actual head to the morgue as a model. Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.
Cox: I think I heard something break.
Janitor: Here we go.
Janitor: I also buy and sell feet, so anyway you wanna go, I got you covered.
Turk: Hey Elliot, you're gonna finish that muffin? Why are you so pissy with us?
J.D.: Why is Sarah dying?
Carla: Why is that guy orange?
J.D. [narrating]: Around here, sometimes you do wish it was more like tv. And a bigger than life character like House would just show up and conveniently solve everything.
Cox: Oh yes, the huddled masses. Carla! I see you're trying one of this establishment's disgusting new tomato muffin. Do you know who else just loves tomatoes? Our little orange friend, Mr mehleison. As you correctly pointed out, the only thing he like more than tomatoes are carrots. And if carrots turn you yellow and tomatoes turn you red, what color would he most likely turn if he would have gorge himself on both those items?
Cox: Correct. And Gandhi, I understand that you are confuse why private practice Barbie has a beef with you and your scorning little life partner.
Turk: Kelso is the one being a jerk not us.
Cox: Yes but even though that horny old raisin is acting like an ass in doing so, he is actualy acknowledging that she's ready to move on professionally. Guess who hasn't acknowledged that?
Turk: Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.
Elliot: He's right. I mean lately all this great stuff has been happen to you guys: settling down and having a baby --
Cox: Dear god, Barbie we get the point. This roughly be my time. Now newbie, as far as your patient is concerned: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, ever heard of it?
J.D.: I haven't.
Cox: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy also known as broken heart syndrome is one severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle. On her chart, you indicate that she was single, yet I noticed that she was still wearing her wedding ring. Turns out her husband had just died and she wasn't ready to take the ring of yet. I'm betting that her grief over his passing is what caused her heart failure. And no, no, I'm not Superman, I'm just Dr Cox. Thanks for the coffee.
She's gonna need a lot more councelling but we'll get her there. Well not "we" so much as "me". Your part the bungling of the diagnosis is done.
J.D.: I can't believe you can have a heart failure just for being sad. I mean, how you supposed to treat that?
J.D.: He's coding, get me box of kittens, stat. Possible side effects of kittens include: sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction. Wouldn't I be a great spoke person for things?
Could you do me a favor next time? Just remember to take care of your patient emotionally. Some of them in a good place they heal quicker, on a negative place that could destroy the body, the mind, destroy anything. Even a relationship.
J.D.: Will you excuse me for a second.
Oh god yes.
J.D.: This is the final boarding call for actioneer flight 65, non-stop service to Tacoma, Washington.
J.D.: Kim! Wait! I couldn't let you leave without you know that I completely support your decision.
J.D.: Let's get that shirt off. There they are.
Kim: So then everyone watches us do it and claps after.
J.D.: The end.
Kim: Sweet story.
J.D.: I'm sorry I was such an idiot, I just I'm really gonna miss you.
Kim: Look, we gonna talk every night, we gonna get you a hands-free headset for phone sex. We gonna get through it. Oh god, I'm gonna be so big when I get back, you not gonna want to touch me.
J.D.: Ridiculous, I've been with a lot of big girls.
Kim: Oh yeah?
J.D.: The best part of a breaking mystery is its resolution. Whether you finally realize what your friend was looking for. So tell me about your new job. It's amazing Or just figuring out why a guy was orange. Am I gonna ever look normal again?
Cox: Oh sure, sure as long as you cut back on your vegetables. Maybe you known, buy some clothes from this decade. Oh I almost forgot, your wife was crying the other night. Keep a eye of her for post-partum depression, it's pretty serious.
She hasn't seem sad at all, but I'll keep an eye on her.
J.D.: Of course no matter how many mysteries you solve, it's always easy to miss one.
Carla: Turk I can't handle going home right now. Don't look at me, I wasn't crying. I just need a break from the baby.
J.D.: Like who's really in trouble.