The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Heavy Meddle".
Act[]
Open -- Hospital
J.D.'s Thoughts: When you're a doctor you need to be prepared for anything. Heart attacks, drug overdoses, gunshot wounds, but one thing you can't prepare for is what happens after you break up with a co-worker.
J.D. bumps into Elliot
J.D.: Watch where you're walking!
Elliot: You watch where you're walking.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't let her get the last word.
J.D.: [shouting down the hall] Just... You watch where you're walking.
Elliot: [from down the hall] You watch where you're walking!
J.D.: Damn!
Another time, J.D.'s wearing different colored scrubs denoting a passage of time
J.D.'s Thoughts: Try as hard as you can to avoid them, you're bound to run into them one day.
J.D. and Elliot see and then avoid each other in the hospital hallway
J.D. and Elliot see each other at the nurse's station
J.D.'s Thoughts: And the next day...
J.D. and Elliot are at adjacent batting cages. Elliot sees J.D.
J.D.'s Thoughts: And the next day.
J.D.: You don't even play sports.
Elliot: It so happens, this helps me to relieve stress.
She takes a swing and misses. J.D. laughs.
J.D.: Feel better?
A ball hits him in the head and he falls. Elliot laughs
Elliot: I do now.
A ball hits her in the head and knocks her down
Scene[]
At the Hospital The Janitor approaches J.D., who is looking at a chart
Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: You look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.
He slams the door of the nurse's station, which hits where J.D.'s hand was before he moved it
J.D.'s Thoughts: I guess the only positive is that our hospital is like one big family. So if one relationship ends, there are always plenty of others around that you can rely on.
Cox walks in
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I was wondering-
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup. [looking at J.D.'s chest] Yeah.
Cox walks away, and the camera lands on the Janitor
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Yep, it's a good place to heal.
Scene[]
OPENING THEME COMMERCIAL
Scene[]
J.D. and Turk's apartment
J.D.: [on the phone] Look Mom, I gotta go. [pause] He did. [pause] Wow. [pause] Yeah, alright, I love you too, bye.
He hangs up the phone
J.D.: My high school teacher Mr. Peters died. He was a great guy.
Turk: You okay?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Even though I see death all the time now, I still react the exact same way I did when I was a kid.
J.D.: Doin' a lot better than Mr. Peters. [smiles]
Turk: Dude!
Scene[]
The Hospital Cox walks through a door
Dr. Cox: 'Sup, Newbie?
J.D.: My mom called and said my favorite high school teacher just died.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, the correct answer to that question is 'Nothing, Sir.'
Looks into a room
Dr. Cox: Oh. My. God. Would you look at this hellhole? If I have to see one more broken down piece of equipment, one more gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I... There are times when I'm all by myself, and I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can't make myself catch on fire like the human torch. And mark my words, Newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back here to destroy this place.
He stops in the doorway of a room
J.D.: I used to like the Silver Surfer.
Makes a surfing motion
J.D.: Hang ten! Hang...
Dr. Cox: Get in here.
They walk into the room
J.D.'s Thoughts: I guess after a while you get used to Dr. Cox's rants.
Dr. Cox: And of course the lab tech is nowhere to be found, so I can't get that tox-screen I was looking for. [picking up a pad] What do you say we write him a friendly note, shall we? 'Dear Incompetent Dumbass...(Pencil lead breaks)
Cox stops writing
J.D.'s Thoughts: The truth is that Dr. Cox isn't really angry. He's just amusing himself.
Cox shoves the computer off the lab tech's desk
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, maybe he's a little angry.
Cox pushes a counter-full of supplies onto the ground
J.D.: [mumbling] We didn't need those... so... all done?
Cox picks up a stool and throws it through a window to another lab. The lab techs inside run for cover and poke their heads up after the glass settles.
J.D.: [through the window] He broke his pencil...
More crashes are heard off-screen and things fly behind J.D.
Scene[]
J.D. and Turk's apartment Elliot is sitting on the couch with books in her hand, and Turk is in the kitchen area
Elliot: Turk, you are going to be so happy you picked me to co-write this study.
She is piling books up on the table
Turk: Hell yeah. I thought we'd start off by having a couple of beers.
Elliot: [she scoffs] Uh, yeah. I got all the info I could find on peripheral vascular disease, and then I highlighted the important passages and color-coded them to correspond with the outline on the back of your packet.
Turk: But I don't have a packet.
Elliot whips out a packet
Turk: Look at that, Turk's packet. So you did this last night.
Elliot: Yeah. Why? What'd you do?
Turk: Well, Carla had to work, so I scarfed down a bunch of fast food, right, and I got back home at around 7 o'clock. I went to the bathroom at about 8. I got out of there at 11:15. It was a good night.
Elliot: I'm a nervous poo-er.
J.D.: Yo, you are not going to believe what Dr. Cox...
He sees Elliot
J.D.: It's you.
Elliot: Yeah. It's me.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ugh. Could Turk have picked anyone worse to be doing this project with?
- Fantasy sequence: The Janitor is sitting in Elliot's place, wearing
glasses
Janitor: If this is a peripheral vascular disease study, they might find it essential to exclude all clottication patients not currently on pentoxyphylline. What are you looking at?!
J.D.: Uh, I'm going to go to bed.
Turk: Elliot, are you going to go with him?
Turk: It's too early for jokes, huh? That's good to know. It's good to know.
Scene[]
Hospital
Dr. Kelso: Interesting. It isn't often I'm paged by a nurse. As a matter of fact, the last time was when... oh, what was her name? She hasn't worked here since then. Oh never mind, what can I do for you and your coma patient here?
Carla: Well, I came across Mr. Rice's advanced directive, and he has a few requests he would like us to honor.
Dr. Kelso: Let's see. Blinds open. That's done. Incense burning. Close enough. Glad you called.
Carla: Dr. Kelso? He also wants to hear Poison's 'Talk Dirty to Me' once a day.
Dr. Kelso: He wants to hear whose what?
Carla: Poison. It's a heavy metal band.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, like Motley Crue, and Winger. My son was a bit of a headbanger.
Carla: I'll get a tape-deck in here and we'll just...
Dr. Kelso: Miss Espinoza, that's not necessary.
Carla: It's just one song.
Dr. Kelso: It's starts out as just one song, but then before you know it, half of the hospital staff is running around piercing their genitalia, and fornicating in the back of vans. Unless a family member shows up to enforce the directive, we really don't have to do anything. Now, will you do me a favor, and just forget about it, sweetheart?
Carla: Of course.
Another part of the Hospital Carla is talking to Ted
Carla: So do you think you can help me locate one of his family members?
Ted: I guess I could try to locate one through some legal channels, but I'm really swamped.
Carla: You know, I love your worry lines. They're so adorable, they're like sexy little forehead smiles.
Ted: Careful, I've been hurt before.
Ted walks away and J.D. walks up to the nurse's station
J.D.: You are not going to believe what happened yesterday. Dr. Cox just went ballistic and destroyed an entire lab room.
Laverne and Carla look at each other
J.D.: Oh yeah. Broken computers, chairs through windows, shattered beakers. Beakers, people, beakers. How is this not good gossip?
Carla: J.D., he does this year. And whatever you do, don't get caught in his wake, because if you do, he's taking you down.
Laverne: Downtown.
J.D.: [nervously] All the way?
J.D. and Turk's Apartment J.D., in his pajamas, is brushing his teeth when he hears knocking
J.D.: [to Rowdy] Okay boy. [louder] Who is it?
The knocking continues. J.D. looks out the peephole and gasps loudly
Dr. Cox: [through the peephole] Listen up, little piggy. You open up this door in the next three seconds or I will start huffing and puffing.
Cox starts blowing
J.D.: But Dr. Cox, I...
Cox starts counting with his fingers
J.D.: Okay! Okay!
Dr. Cox: Oh dear lord, please tell me that's not a onesie.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I'd invite you in, but I...
Dr. Cox: Marcia, I have no interest in coming in.
J.D.: Oh thank God.
Cox grabs J.D. and yanks him out the doorway
Dr. Cox: We're going out.
Scene[]
The Hospital On-Call Room Elliot and Turk are working on their project
Elliot: Okay, we can finish the synopsis for chapter four and process the Stegman data if we pull an all-nighter.
Turk: Elliot, this isn't due for another month.
Elliot: Yeah, but if we finish one week early we can just sit back and play with the fonts and margins.
Turk: [scared] Oh, whoo... Tonight's date night with Carla, and I got on special underwear.
Elliot: Go. Do you mind if I keep working?
Turk: Yeah, that works for me.
The Todd sits up from the couch where he was lying unseen
Todd: I'm wearing special underwear too. [whispering] They're invisible.
Elliot: Yeah, I get it Todd, I'm just kind of busy here.
Todd: Oh, no time for the Todd. All the project geeks are busy working tonight.
He lies back down on the couch
Elliot: Excuse me?
Todd gets back up
Todd: All the surgical interns pick a project geek from medical to write our reports for us.
Elliot: [pointing at herself with a pen] I'm not a geek.
Todd: What's that on your finger?
Elliot: [putting down her pen and looking at her index finger] It's a rubber thingie that I wear to help me turn the pages... [realization arrives] quicker...
Todd lies back down, laughing
Todd: She said rubber thingie.
Scene[]
Nurse's Station Turk jumps up onto the counter in front of Carla
Carla: [on the phone] Thank you.
Turk: Excuse me, nurse. I'm ready for my sponge bath.
Carla: Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry, I can't. I gotta go pick up a CD for this coma patient of mine.
Turk: But I'm wearing silk boxers.
Carla: Turk...
Turk: They're the ones with the little dogs holding the big money bags.
Carla: Sweetie, I love your money pants, I do. It's just that I really feel somebody needs to take care of this guy.
Turk: How is it that you can blow me off, and it just makes you seem sexier?
Carla: [smiling] Cause you're whipped.
Turk: I thought so.
They kiss
Carla: Thank you.
A Bar J.D. just finished rinsing his toothbrush in a shot glass; he takes a sip
J.D.: Ah, minty.
He puts the toothbrush in his mouth, which gets a look from Cox
J.D.: Okay, so we're here. What do you want to talk about?
Cox: Laura, if you don't toss that shot back, I'm going to throw you up on the bar and make you sing the theme song from 'Endless Love'.
J.D. drinks
J.D.: Ah, yucky.
Cox: Yucky?
J.D.: Yucky.
Cox: My god, I'm drinking with a mouseketeer. [to bartender] Two more.
J.D.: So if you're not going to talk to me, what's the point of sitting here alone at the bar?
Cox: You know, it's a good point. It is [he turns behind them to a table with two women] Excuse me, ladies? Do you know anybody who might like to have a couple of free drinks?
The girls approach them, while J.D. turns back and furiously brushes his teeth; he turns back when they get to the bar
J.D.: Hello, ladies. [he gets off his barstool and leans his arm against a pole] Oh yes, it's a onesie.
On-Call Room Turk rushes in
Turk: Great news, Elliot. I'm back for the night.
Elliot: [putting on her backpack] You know what? To hell with you, Chris Turk. [she bumps into him roughly on her way out]
Turk: What the hell got into her?
Todd rises from the couch
Todd: Wazzaaaaaap? Ha ha ha!
Mr. Rice's room A boombox is playing Poison's 'Talk Dirty to Me'; Kelso walks in
Kelso: Could you turn that up please?
Carla: What?
Kelso: [turning off the music] I thought I told you not to play that in the house-uh, hospital.
Carla: Well, I'm just trying to do right by my patient.
Kelso: Well, as of this moment, he is no longer your patient.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, you-
Kelso: Young lady, when I asked you to leave it alone, I wasn't really asking you. It's like when I ask the paper boy to avoid hitting my rosebushes. I'm not leaving it up him. I'm saying, 'You damn well better do it, or I'm going to forget to put the chain on Baxter.' Now get on out of here, and take that boomblaster with you.
Scene[]
Bar
Girl: My relationship with Jeremy was emotionally over long before he ended it.
- Fantasy Sequence: Close up on the girl's mouth as her voice gets more
echoed.
Girl: Then I graduated from college and right away I met Ethan.
J.D. is pulling on a noose
J.D.: You don't say. Huh!
Girl: We had two good years, and two bad years. But not all at once.
J.D. now has his neck in the loop and is tightening
J.D.: Oh, yeah, of course.
- End Sequence: The girls are leaving the bar, and J.D. approaches Cox
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox. Don't get me wrong, I love getting drunk in my jammies just as much as the next guy, but it's late, so...
Cox: Thanks for coming out, there, Newbie. Hope this whole thing wasn't too yucky for you. [he drinks]
J.D.: Well. You seem fine, so...
Cox turns around
Cox: I'm not fine. I mean, why do you think we're out here at this bar at 2 o'clock in the morning? So we can go in the urinal and piss on the ice?
J.D.: I love to melt the middle.
Cox: We're out here because if I go home and go to sleep, the only thing I'm going to be able to think about is that I gotta get up tomorrow morning and go back to that place. You wanna know something, pal? I got nothing. Honest to God, I got nothing. I'm cooked.
He takes one last drink and leaves
Bartender: And you owe me $53.
J.D.: I, uh, think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
Scene[]
COMMERCIAL
Scene[]
Hospital
Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never mentioned I was a doctor.
Carla: Bambi, I warned you about getting caught up in Dr. Cox's wake. [to Laverne] But does he listen?
Laverne: You'd think so, with those ears.
J.D.: Uncalled for, okay? Listen, it's different this time. He showed up at my place.
Carla: He's showed up at my house before.
Laverne: Showed up at my momma's on Mother's Day.
Ted: [as he's walking by] Ruined my wedding.
J.D.: You know, what? I know that you guys think he's just going to shake all this off and be fine, but I'm telling you, I connected with the guy. And there's no way in hell he's just going to walk through this door and have a big smile on his face.
Cox walks in with a big smile on his face
Cox: Woohoo! What do you say, sports fans? [with a Scottish accent] It's a great day!
Scene[]
Cafeteria
Turk: Elliot, Todd has something to say to you. Todd?
Todd: Turk never told me you were his project geek.
Turk: And?
Todd: You look really hot eating that egg.
Turk pushes Todd
Todd: Oh, um. I'm sorry. Okay? Are we? [he raises his hand for a high five]
Turk: No. [he sits down across from Elliot and Todd leaves]
Elliot: Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm not a geek.
Turk: Come on! You still got that rubber thingie on your finger!
Elliot: [defensively] Eggs can be extremely slippery!
Scene[]
Outside Mr. Rice's Room Ted taps Carla on the shoulder, startling her
Carla: You scared the hell out of me.
Ted: I'm sorry, that always happens. No one ever expects me to be anywhere.
Carla: Aw, Ted. [she leaves]
Ted: She knows your name. [he follows her] So I found your coma patient's relative you were looking for.
Carla: Thank you! [she hugs him] Oh, thank you so much!
Ted: [softly] Don't let go.
Carla: [she lets go] What?
Ted: Nothing.
Scene[]
Elsewhere
Cox: I'm willing to acknowledge that there have been occasions during my tenure here when my enthusiasm...
J.D.: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Cox: Now, I'm apologizing to Franklin here for breaking his favorite microscope.
J.D.: No, see, you can't just drag me out of the house in the middle of the night, cry on my shoulder, and then pretend like nothing happened.
Cox: Alllllright, first of all, Franklin, there was no crying. [whistles at Franklin] Say it.
Franklin: No crying.
Cox: Good boy. [to J.D.] And you, my little precious, should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties. They give you the extra support you love so much, while protecting against those offensive lines underneath your scrubs.
J.D.: Mm, I get it, I'm a girl.
Cox: Franklin, you heard it. Say it.
Franklin: He's a girl.
Cox: Good boy.
J.D.: You can't go around playing with people's emotions cause you feel like it.
Cox: Okay Newbie. I'm now going to give you an opportunity to get the hell out of here before I grab you by your ankles and redecorate Franklin's lab!
Franklin: Please go.
Scene[]
J.D. and Turk's Apartment
Turk: We're back! The clique is back together!
Elliot: Mmhmm, that is what I'm talking about. Shall we?
Turk: Let's do this.
Elaborate handshake and dance
Elliot: Okay, let's get back to work. Okay, but it's going to be different this time, okay? We take a systematic approach, we can maximize our efficiency.
Turk: I rented 'Red Dawn'.
Elliot: Wolverines!
Scene[]
Hospital
Carla: Dr. Kelso? This is Matthew Rice.
Ted: He's the proxy for his uncle's living will.
Kelso: What a happy coincidence, you showing up out of the clear blue sky.
Ted: Oh God.
Carla: You're okay.
Matthew: So exactly how much is my uncle leaving me? Can I ask that?
Carla: Oh, no, Mr. Rice. This isn't about his assets. This is about executing his last living requests.
Matthew: So... No money at all?
Kelso: Not a dime, kiddo. I can't tell you how glad we are to finally put all this tomfoolery to rest. [glaring at Carla and Ted] Once and for all! [to Matthew] Cup of coffee, sport?
Ted: What happened? I blacked out.
Scene[]
Lab
Cox: When you rolled out of bed this morning, did you actually say to yourself, 'Hey. I think today would be a terrific day to commit hara-kiri.' Because you realize, that's what you're doing.
J.D.: I just don't think you deal with your problems the way emotionally healthy people do.
Cox: Well, hold on a second there Rainbow! This just off the newswire! You're not licensed to comment on how people deal with their emotions!
J.D.: I beg to differ.
Cox: Well, at least I let mine go. You, if you ever were able to actually release all the tensions that are bottled up inside you, what would that look like? How would that go?
- Fantasy Sequence: J.D. grabs Cox by the shoulders and headbutts him-hard.
Cox falls to the ground.
J.D.: How you like me now, bitch?
- End Sequence
J.D.: Maybe I just don't have anything bottled up.
Cox: Uh huh. And what happened to that schoolteacher you were prattling on about?
J.D.: Passed away.
Cox: Croaksville. That's what I thought. And what was the first thing you did when you found out that he'd died?
J.D.: I made a joke.
Cox: And jeepers, I sure hope it was a good one. I do, because here's the inside scoop. Life's hard enough. And there's no way in hell you can survive in a dump like this unless you find a way to get your emotions out. Fact.
J.D.: Well, I let my emotions out! I'll show you some of this! [he pushes a beaker onto the floor; Franklin walks in hugging a microscope] Oh Franklin, I am so sorry. [takes his stethescope off his neck] Wanna wear my stethescope?
Scene[]
Apartment
Turk: You know what's the cool thing about this movie? That this could really happen.
Elliot: Which part? The Russians invading Michigan or C. Thomas Howell being a tough guy?
Turk: Both.
J.D. walks in, sees the movie playing
J.D.: [sighs] Wolverines. [to Turk] Why is she always here?
Turk: We're working on my study.
Elliot: You know, I'm so sick of this. I mean, every time I come here, I'm going to see him, so just get someone else to do this stupid project with you.
Turk: No, look. Okay, maybe the reason why I asked you to work with me on this is because I knew it would force you and J.D. to see each other.
Elliot: I don't want to get back together with him.
Turk: I'm not saying get back together, okay? You guys made a terrible couple. It's just that I like you, you know? I think you're a cool person.
Elliot: It doesn't matter what happens between me and J.D. I mean, you and I can still hang out.
Turk: No. It can't be that way and you know it. That's my best friend. So either you can try and fix it or...
Elliot: This sucks.
Turk: Yeah.
Scene[]
Hospital
Carla: [singing] And baby we'll be at the drive-in
Ted: [singing] In the old man's Ford.
Together: [singing] Behind the bushes, til I'm screaming for more, down the basement, lock the cellar door. And baby, talk dirty to me.
Ted: I love you.
Carla: What?
Ted: [singing] Know that we'll be
Together: [singing] At the drive-in
Scene[]
On-Call Room
Elliot: Hey. What are you doing?
J.D.: This is an old recommendation letter from a high school teacher of mine. He's actually the, uh, reason I got into medicine. And he died last week.
Elliot: Well, I'm so sorry, J.D. I really am. You wanna be alone?
J.D.: No.
Elliot: Wanna cry a little?
J.D.: No.
Elliot: Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do?
Scene[]
On the Roof
Glove full of pudding
Turk: [as Bill Cosby] You see, it's the pudding that splatters the best, because it's the pudding, and therefore I feel that the pudding pop more...
Carla: Who is that, Arsenio?
Turk: No.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I think everybody has their own way of releasing all the stuff that gets bottled up inside them. I guess it just took me a good friend to help me find mine.
Elliot: Dr. Dorian, we're ready for the finale.
J.D.: Thank you, Dr. Reid. Okay guys. One, two, three!
J.D.'s Thoughts: It felt really good.
The Janitor is seen shoveling the splattered watermelon and pudding into a garbage can
Janitor: [shaking his head] The horror.
[]