The following is a transcript for the episode "My Friend with Money"
J.D.'s narration: To make more cash, sacred heart had started catering to rich folk, hence the swanky new suites.
Turn down service, Mr. Worthington?
J.D.: Oh, not now.
When's a good time?
J.D.: Never. He's in a coma.
J.D.'s narration: Not only were the new suites super expensive, they were absolutely ruing my figure.
J.D.'s narration: Turk and Carla had just brought their new baby home.
Turk: What's up, isabella? For your 16th birthday, your dad has made you a videotape. Now, I know future me is probably really strict, so no dating, no make-up, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars. Last thing i need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug. Know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, for your 16th birthday, my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
Carla: Baby? I can't do this. We have to take her back.
Turk: Happy birthday, sweetheart. We'll talk later.
J.D.'s narration: As for me, my pregnant girlfriend just moved away, but I was still keeping things spicy.
J.D.: Oh, of course I miss you, baby! Want to see a picture of me missing you? Hold on. Oh, thanks. Do you want to see a picture of my rock-hard abs? Ok, hold on. No, no, I've always had an innie. She wants to see a picture of my ass.
Keith: Oh, J.D., I don't want -
J.D.: I am your superior! what the--?
J.D.: Oh, hey, Elliot, I'll have him back to you in one second.
Elliot: Kim, yeah, those pictures are of keith, OK? Read 'em and weep. Look, J. D. will call you back later. Keith! why do you keep letting people take pictures of your body? I mean, this is exactly like that night I caught you in the bathroom at the bus station.
Keith: Come on, this is nothing like that.
Elliot: What the hell are you doing? Oh, hey, Elliot. I'll have him back to you in one second. Gettin' a little flare off the urinal.
J.D.: Actually, keith, it's a little like that.
Elliot: Little bit.
J.D.: One areola shot, real quick.
J.D.'s narration: Now that Elliot was private practice, there were tons of perks. For one, Dr. Kelso still refused to speak to her.
Elliot: Hey, Dr. Kelso. Oh, if you're a doody face, don't say anything. Get used to that joke, people. Because I'm going to be doing it all the time.
J.D.'s narration: Still, the biggest perk is that at 5:00, she gets to dump her patients on someone else and go home.
Elliot: Mr. sandal has hocum. I'm not using disopyramide, so just continue treating with beta blockers.
Cox: You're giving orders to me? OMG, barboo, you make me want to LOL. I just discovered text messaging. I know i'm a little late to the game, but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a G. A. B. P. I. T. A. W. M. W. number 2 "D." Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes me Want to Die.
Elliot: Well, i'm just a little bit late for my brow wax and my facial, so I'm just gonna stick these orders to your lab coat so you don't forget them. Enjoy doing my bidding, while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.
Cox: Fine, I don't want to go home, anyway.
J.D.: He said in a sarcastic tone we've all come to know as "Coxsian."
Cox: I mean it. I don't want to go home. Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester, she has become a needy, bloated behemoth with a temper as big as her tree trunk-size cankles, and besides, even if I did go home, she'd probably just send me out on a food run to satiate one of her insane cravings.
Cox: Honey, I brought you some dinner.
Jordan: Come here, little goaty goaty!
Jordan: I wasn't finished!
Cox: You're finished.
Turk: Honey, post partum depression's really serious.
Carla: True, but there are different levels. Yes, some women leave their babies in the woods, but some women just get the weepies.
Turk: And it's just the weepies?
Carla: Just the weepies baby.
Kid: Hi! Since you're African-American, I was wondering if I can borrow some of your marvin gaye cds?
Turk: Sure. Come on in, kid. Here you go.
Kid: Thanks! Mazel tov on the baby.
Carla: How did he know I had a baby? Oh, great! I milked through my last clean t-shirt!
Turk: Baby, we should really get some help.
Carla: No! I've been a nurse for 15 years! What are they gonna tell us that we don't already know? Now, now, who are we?
Turk: We're the Turks.
Carla: And can the turks can get through this?
Turk: Woman, the turks can handle anything. - Ok! - Ok, now give me a hug! - Ok! - Wait, you know what? Could you change first? 'cause I don't want to get any booby juice on my new t-shirt.
J.D.'s narration: To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.
Elliot: Hey, roomie! I went shopping. Oh, this couch reminded me of my grandpa. He used to drive around in a car just like it. You know, until he was killed in that 7-car pile-up.
J.D.: "7- car pile-up" would be a good name for a rock band.
Elliot: Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died. Anywho, I was thinking maybe we should put in some new hardwood floors.
J.D.: Why stop at hardwood?
Elliot: Yay, the new floors are in!
J.D.: Careful. Trampoline floors take some gettin' used to. But I love 'em.
J.D.: I like bouncing, but it is dangerous.
Cox: I don't care if you don't like green. Jello is jello. Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie, for sticking me with the world most annoying patient, what do you think your boy jesus would do?
Laverne: Your wife is on the phone.
Cox: He is not a merciful god, is he? Just tell her I'm still working, I have no idea what time I'm going to get off, And just go ahead and eat the entire mattress. I mean, for the love of God! I spend the entire day with patients and the entire night with her. I need a hide-out.
Janitor: You're telling me. I've got this new land lady, oozy old broad, keeps showing up at my door in an open robe and a bottle of gin. I don't want to go home.
Laverne: Can you tell Dr. kelso that Mr. worthington's family transferred him from the luxury suite to a hospice, please?
Cox: My god, this is beautiful.
Kelso: Gentlemen, how is Mr. Worthington doing?
Cox: He, uh, he's in a coma, bob.
Kelso: Great! the man has the health insurance of a Tahitian prince.
Cox: Well, I gotta tell you, this is heaven.
Janitor: This gourmet trail mix is fantastic. I'm tastin' vanilla, cranberry, a hint of pine.
Cox: That's potpourri, genius.
Janitor: Is that hickory?
J.D.: You should see all the sweet new toys elliot bought. It's awesome. It's like that time in college when we got to split all of chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death. I miss you, you crazy polish bastard! Pour some out for one's homies.
J.D.: So, how are things at the homestead?
Turk: Ah, no worries.
Carla: I can't feed my own baby!
Turk: See, baby, the great thing about working at a hospital is that we have access to all types of medical care. Having trouble feeding your baby? Bam, say hello to your lactation specialists.
Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
Todd: I can't see the nipple.
Turk: Todd, get the hell out of here.
Janitor: It's freezing in here.
Cox: Put on a pair of pants, you'd be fine.
Janitor: Hey, in my house, it's no pants, no problem. I'm putting in a videotape.
Cox: Now, what the hell is this?
Janitor: It's a security camera tape. I like to count the times that Colonel Doctor goes to the bathroom during the day, then freak him out by guessing the exact number. And there's one - Hey!
Cox: Look, this--this clearly isn't working out.
Janitor: Well, I found this room, so you should go. Now, that's just about enough, Shrek. What?
Elliot: I specifically told you not to give Mr. sandal disopyramide. Why would you change my orders?
Cox: Well, there were 2 treatment options, and when in doubt, I always go in the opposite direction of you. -
Elliot: Don't do it again.
Cox: So, do it again? Look, barbie, What you're missing here is that you're private practice now. That means you're the enemy. And I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy, but I'm giving hepatitis and his bantam infectious buddies a pass, and I'm coming after you today. The bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and, barbie, that makes you a sell-out.
Janitor: Ah, you went 14 times total--4 false alarms and one emergency.
Janitor: I'm exhausted. Pick me up a latte. She's still not eating. None of this stuff is working.
Turk: We're the turks, remember? Now, if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls, but no one's responding in the areola code.
Turk: Those 2 little turkey timers you got there are telling me that that birdie's not done. And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky-deeky style-y, So, I'm gonna have to go an alternate route. your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I've ever seen!
Turk: Ding, ding! Turkey's done.
Carla: She's latching.
Elliot: Dr. cox is such a jerk. I'm so sick of hearing him get all righteous about private practice doctors.
Turk: We're the turks! what, We're the turks! We're the turks, what?! We're the turks! - We're the turks, what?! - You're the turks! That's right, we're the turks!
Elliot: I mean, seriously, since when does working at a hospital suddenly make you a better person? It's such a load of crap.
J.D.: I don't know if it's really a load of crap. it's just that, well, if you--
Elliot: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. could you say that a little bit louder?
J.D.: I just thought, you know, money, like a sell-out, so--
Elliot: Wait, do you actually agree with dr. cox? It doesn't take too much to send 2 people down a bad road. it could be a few simple words
J.D.: I guess I do.
J.D.: or even just a little surprise waiting at home.
Turk: We're the turks, what?! we're the turks! we're the turks, what-- Why are you watching my baby, and where's my wife?
Kid: She said she'd be back later.
Turk: J.D., have you seen carla?
J.D.: Sorry, brown bear. Hey, mocha cup.
Laverne: Carla just called to tell you nothing fit, so she went to the mall. Watch her.
Elliot: ooh, hey, chuckles! If you're a doody face, just keep walking. Get funnier every time, people. - Hey, J. D. - Hey, elliot, look, I know you're probably mad about what I said yesterday, and--
Elliot: I'm not mad. Well, I mean, at first I was a little mad so I started power walking down fourth avenue. Right when I got to that place where it starts to get a little ghetto, I realized, you're just jealous.
J.D.: I am not jealous.
Elliot: Oh, please, J. D. , I know you. Whenever you're jealous, you run your hands through your hair and then you smell them.
J.D.: I do not! OK, resist smelling that coconut goodness that caresses your tresses! Don't do it! Whatever. Ahh, pina colada!
Carla: I think these would go great with that shirt. Why don't you go try them on?
Turk: Why were you just helping that guy? These pants and the shirt are the only things I have left that fit me, and everyone keeps mistaking me for an employee. Anyway, I was helping Phil with his whole new denim look.
Phil: Hey, could you also get me--
Turk: Go away, Phil. Baby, let's go see the doctor.
Carla: No, I'm not gonna have people laugh at me because I can't care for my own child. No doctors, not now, not ever. Understand? We're the Turks!
Keith: Put that down. Elliot said that until you admit you're jealous, You can't use any of her things.
J.D.: Well, Elliot's not here, keith. what are you gonna do about it? Nice singlet. Does it come in hetero?
Keith: Do not turn on that tv.
Elliot: He wrestled you, didn't he? See, Keith got his old high school uniform so that he actually incorporated it into our love play. I'm the lesbian coach and he's the captain of the wrestling team, and he turns me. So, have you decided to admit that you're jealous?
J.D.: No, never, ok? And thanks a lot, because the one hour that Kim and I had to actually talk, I was stuckin your stupid boyfriend's scissor-hold.
Elliot: Oh, don't you just love the way his thighs feel against your ears?
J.D.: No, not particularly.
Turk: Dr. Cox, I need your help. Not now, Gandhi. Darn it all, I-- I could have sworn there was a room right here-- Do you hear something?
Turk: Look, Carla's going all postpartum depression-y on me, And she won't let me to take her to see a doctor.
Cox: She's never gonna listen to you. You're a guy. You have no idea what she's going through. The fact is, the only person she will listen to is someone who's gone through it themselves.
Turk: Fine. Who?
Cox: I cannot believe I am doing this.
Turk: I'm scared.
Cox: Me, too, Gandhi.
Cox: You look pretty, dear.
Turk: So pretty. Keikers? Nuts.
Elliot: Hi, J. D. Relax, I'm at the hospital. This is just a webcam.
J.D.: What's the matter? Your aryan boyfriend had to go to a rally, so now you have to watch me?
Elliot: Look, you don't have to admit that you're jealous. I was thinking, Kim's not around, and I can't even imagine how much that sucks, so, I sent her a webcam just like this one, and you guys can video chat whenever you want. Anything to make the long distance easier, right? Anyway, I hope you like it. See you.
Kelso: I love the interhighway.
Janitor: I've been expecting you.
Cox: You know, jumpsuit, As I was scaling the hospital, I had an epiphany. This back-and-forth between you and I is just gonna get worse and worse. I mean, the only thing I could think about was retaliation, And I'm relatively certain that you've got a couple of tricks up your sleeve, too.
Janitor: I do have a friend. He works on wall street. He and I got a good look at your personal finances, and he agreed to fly into town and bash your head in.
Cox: Right. That would roughly be what I'm referring to.
Janitor: Ahh. then, yes. - There really is only one way to end this.
Janitor: We each ingest a cyanide capsule. On 3-- One, 2, 3.
Cox: No. What are you doing? - Mine's a skittle. - Mine, too?
Cox: Get out of here. Look, there really is only one way to end this so that we both come out alive. We've got to page him.
Kelso: You. Get the hell out of here before I charge you for every cashew you've pilfred from the mini-bar. And you, Stop eating the potpourri and get back to work.
Jordan: So you have post-partum depression.
Carla: No. I have the weepies.
Turk: No, baby,you've got post-- - You have no lines in this play.
Carla: Jordan, I can handle it. Really? What you got there in your hand?
Carla: A job application for the gap.
Jordan: Oh, that's a good career move.
Carla: Look All I ever wanted was to be a mother, And now that I am one, I feel like I'm not cut out for it.
Jordan: And you're ashamed of that? Well, wouldn't you be?
Jordan: Yeah. I was. What's the worst feeling you've had since you had the baby?
Carla: I don't know.
Jordan: When jack wouldn't stop crying, I wanted to throw that bastard out the window.
Carla: Really? I wanted to throw Isabella out the window. Yeah, but we just had our apartment repainted, and all the windows were sealed shut, so I just wanted to drop her off the roof.
Turk: Oh, my god!
Jordan: Listen, you can't get rid this by sheer force of will or positive thinking or taking advice from a big Hollywood movie star and the dead science fiction writer he worships. You need to get some help.
Turk: That's what I've been try--
Jordan: If you talk again, I'm going to eat you.
Elliot: Hey, everybody.
Cox: You hear her, newbie. Private practice barbie is clocking out. Now, if we could just get cancer to go home at 5:00, we'd be all set.
J.D.: Come on. You're just jealous. I know I am.
J.D.'s narration: The first step of solving any problem is admitting that you have one. After that, you can start to work on feeling like your old self again.
Tux: All right, Izzie. This is what your mom looks like on anti-depressants.
Carla: Oh, we're sharing secrets now?
Carla: Oh, 'cause Izzie, look, this is what your daddy looks like the last time he tried to grow out his hair. How sad.
Turk: That's cold, baby.
Elliot: Hey, hey, hey, hey! That is so not why I bought you that.
Kim: Elliot, relax. We heard you coming.
Elliot: Whatever. Kim, your boobies look great up there.
J.D.: I didn't hear her coming. - Me neither. All right, now get back in there, stud.
J.D.: In a sec. I really miss you.
Kim: Yeah, I miss you too.