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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Five Stages".

Scene 1

Open: Elliot's apartment. Elliot is wearing a black dress with a turquoise sash. Keith is shirtless, and his hands are bound.

J.D.'s Narration: Lately, Elliot and her booty call, Keith, loved playing games. Tonight it was the orchard owner and the Mexican apple thief.

Elliot: Confess, Manuel! Confess that you stole these apples.

(Elliot dumps a burlap sack full of apples at Keith's feet.)

Keith: I was at the dance, with the other pickers.

Elliot: Liar!

(Elliot slaps Keith in the face, then kisses him passionately.)

J.D.'s Narration: Frankly, the whole thing disgusted me.

Elliot: You saw him do it, didn't you, Paco?

(Pan to J.D., wearing a sombrero, serape, and fake mustache. He looks annoyed.)

J.D.'s Narration: Mostly, because they never let me speak.

J.D.: [with a Mexican accent] He hid them in his pantalones. He loves these apples. He makes apples pie, and apples juice with them.

Elliot: Paco, you can't talk because you lost your tongue in that cider press accident last year, remember? Now back to the pickers' bunkhouse!

(Elliot resumes kissing Keith.)

J.D.: [with a Mexican accent] I hate the pickers' bunkhouse.

J.D.'s Narration: And I hate Keith. Which begs the question: why do I insist on being a part of their foreplay?

(Cut to hospital hallway.)

J.D.'s Narration: I guess I needed a distraction because last week we all thought Mrs. Wilk was going home, but she got an infection. Despite our best efforts, she was now going to die. To make her happy, we decided to take her to the beach.

(Cut to hospital roof. Sand has been spread out over a small area accompanied by beach foliage, umbrellas and chairs.)

Mrs. Wilk: I'm going to miss the feel of sand between my toes.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, she was sick, so we couldn't go far.

J.D.: Want me to bury you?

Dr. Cox: Aw, shut up and move the Sunbrella, will you? I'm freckling.

J.D.: I thought we had more sand.)

(Cut to Ted's office. Some sand falls from the ceiling onto his desk.)

Ted: Now what?

(Ted jabs the ceiling with a broom, causing more sand to fall on him.)

Radio Announcer: OK, people, it's for our $50,000 cash draw. Today's lucky listener: Ted Buckland!

Ted: What?

(Sand begins pouring out of the vent in the ceiling.)

(Cut to roof.)

Dr. Cox: Would you love a virgin daiquiri? It's a normal daiquiri, I just let him give it to you.

(Dr. Cox pours the drink from a blender, passes it J.D., who passes it Mrs. Wilk.)

Mrs. Wilk: Thanks! Cheers. You know, I've never really been afraid of death. I used it as a motivator. When you know there's an end, it forces you to live. It forced me in the eighth grade to ask Peter Bucharelli to take me to the sock hop. It made me dare to travel the world. It made me who I am. Still, now that I'm actually staring it in the eye, I -- why am I so scared?

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes life sucks.

(Cut to Ted's office. Sand is still pouring through the vent. Ted is completely buried in sand and can't reach his phone to call in.)

Radio Announcer: Sorry, Ted, apparently you don't need the money!



Scene 2

Open: Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.

J.D.'s Narration: Mrs. Wilk decided to call the hospital grief counselor. He had a certain frankness about death.

Dr. Hedrick: So, which one of you is gonna kick it? No, don't tell me, I want to guess. Uhh, I'm thinking it's either you, or you. No, you, because you're hooked up to a bunch of machines, or you, well you just have that look of someone who's gonna die young. I'm kidding!

J.D.: Oh.

Dr. Hedrick: You're gonna live forever. Or not, I mean, what do I know, I'm not psychic.

J.D.'s Narration: We did not like him.

Mrs. Wilk: I think he's funny.

Dr. Cox: She's delirious.

Dr. Hedrick: Mrs. Wilk, I'm Dr. Hedrick. Now it sounds cliché, but you're going to go through what we call the five stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Now, I assume that you two have already entered a conversation with Mrs. Wilk about what the process of dying is going to be like.

Dr. Cox: We were doing it, right before you came in.

Dr. Hedrick: Oh, well then I'm sorry, please continue.

Dr. Cox: All right, we will. Newbie, go.

J.D.: Oh, oh, uh, OK, yeah, um...OK, death is like a journey. Uh, a journey in a boat, and uh, then this giant light shines down on, on your "boat," and um, um, it carries you up to the heavens.

Dr. Hedrick: That was the ending to Cocoon.

J.D.: Take it away, Coxy.

(Cut to Nurses' Station. Keith hands Elliot a cup of coffee.)

Elliot: Keith, keep moving, no talking. Hey, where's my wave, you little piece of meat?

Carla: You know, Elliot, the four of us should go out to dinner.

Turk: Honey, why are you so obsessed about going out with other couples? Didn't you learn your lesson last with our neighbors?

(Flash back. Turk and Carla are in the woods with their redneck neighbors, around a campfire.)

Carla: Squirrel chili. Who knew? It's really good.

(Turk pulls a tail out of his chili.)

Turk: I want to go home.

Carla: Eat your soup.

Turk: No.

(End flashback.)

Turk: They're not even our neighbors. They live in the woods behind our apartment.

Carla: And we would have been having brunch with them on Sunday if you could have choked down the tail.

Elliot: Carla, I don't know about dinner, Keith is a booty call. I actually make it a point not to see him before midnight.

(Cut to hallway. Dr. Kelso enters with Ted, who is coughing. Ted coughs sand into his hand.)

Ted: [coughing] Oh, good. The piles are getting smaller.

Janitor: Good.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me, did you get that damn sand out of his office?

Janitor: Yes, I did, and it cut my commute in half.

(Cut to outside. Janitor stands on top of a giant sand castle.)

Janitor: Good morning, loyal subjects! Enjoy your day in Janitoria! Labor until you tire! And then labor some more! Looks like rain. That could be a problem.

Ted: Sir, can I have Sunday afternoon off?

Dr. Kelso: Well, that depends. Is Baxter's dog run going to hose itself down?

Ted: No...

Dr. Kelso: Actually, it is, I rigged the hose to a timer. But I need you to clean out my gutters.

Ted: But, sir, I'm doing a bike ride for charity.

Dr. Kelso: Ted, the only thing I hate more than bikes are procedural cop shows. We get it. The pedophile did it. Be at my house at 2:30.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

Ted: Just once I -- [Ted spits more sand out] I wish I could treat Dr. Kelso like he treats us.

Janitor: With Kelso, you got no leverage.

Ted: Leverage. Leverage?

Janitor: You don't know what it means, do you?

Ted: No...

(Cut to ICU.)

Dr. Hedrick: I understand you guys spend most of your time fighting death around here, so it's -- it's understandable that you're made uncomfortable by this. Now, if you'd like, I'm willing to counsel both of you.

J.D.'s Narration: I was tempted to take him up on it, but then Dr. Cox said something.

Dr. Cox: Listen up. We don't need any of your head-shrinking.

J.D.'s Thoughts: "We?" He said "we." After all these years, he's finally made us a team!

J.D.: Yeah, Hedrick! If it was up to us, we never even would have called you! We can handle death just fine! We might even be going into private practice together.

Dr. Cox: What?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Easy. Now is not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox clinic, Much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

Dr. Hedrick: Clearly, I'm pushing some buttons here.

Dr. Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttonless. All smooth, like GI-Joe's nether-regions, and by-the-by, this image is brought to you by my son, Jack, who has been yanking the pants off his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools. Which brings me back to you: the fool. I'm done suffering you, so go now. Go, go before you can write a book entitled "Help, A Large Doctor Is Beating My Ass: The Lester Hedrick Story."

Dr. Hedrick: That was a mouthful. Anyway, if you need to talk, just give me a call.

(Dr. Hedrick exits)

Dr. Cox: He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.

(Cut to hospital exterior.)

Carla: So basically, whenever you're in the mood, you just call Keith and he comes over and gives you some of that twenty-something nasty?

Elliot: Watch me.

(Elliot dials Keith on her phone.)

Elliot: Got the machine. [on phone] Keith, we're going to your place tonight because my room smells like apple vinegar, so put some clean sheets on the futon and turn all the pictures of your parents face down. Except for that one one of your dad in the Navy...helps me.

(Elliot hangs up.)

Turk: How the hell does he put up with that crap?

Carla: Turk, would you get my scarf out of the car please?

Turk: I am making a point here, honey. No man should --

Carla: [interrupting] Turk, less point-making, more scarf-getting.

(Turk goes into the parking lot and meets J.D.)

Turk: 'Sup, man, you need a ride?

J.D.: Keep moving, C-Bear.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I was hunting for bigger game.

(Turk exits. Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: Hey. I thought you went home already.

J.D.: Oh, I tried to, Perry, but I'm having some scooter trouble.

Dr. Cox: Come on, I'll give you a ride. Let's go.

(Cut to Dr. Cox's Porsche. J.D. is admiring the interior.)

Dr. Cox: Can you believe the huevos on that Hedrick? Holy cow, it's like we've never had a patient die on us before. Uh, I gotta put this bag in the trunk.

(Dr. Cox gets out to put his gym bag away.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: I was in the Porsche. I had never made it into the Porsche. It smelled like German heaven. I wasn't gonna blow this opportunity. I had to be careful about every little --

J.D.: Hey, a root beer!

Dr. Cox: Don't open that soda. It's been rolling around on the floor for months, it will explode.

J.D.: Apparently you're not familiar with the John Dorian three tap method. Three taps and the foam goes bye-bye.

(J.D. taps the can three times and opens the can. Nothing happens for a few seconds.)

J.D.: Works every time.

(The can explodes, spraying the windshield and interior with foam.)

J.D.: Oh. Ahhh! The quickest way to my house is to take Elm.

(Cut to Elliot's bedroom. Keith and Elliot are kissing in bed.)

Keith: Elliot, wait.

Elliot: Oh, I'm sorry, am I looking at your dad too much? His eyes penetrate my soul.

Keith: No. I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now.

Elliot: That is so sweet.

(Keith continues kissing Elliot on the neck while she stares at the picture. Cut to Janitor in the parking lot, sitting on a pile of sand.)

Janitor: There's something I learned today. Wet sand plus dehumidifier equals cave in.

Dr. Kelso: Is that Ted and bunch of damn bikers?

Janitor: Why do you hate bikes so much, sir?

(Flashback. Dr. Kelso's father has all his belongs packed on a bike.)

Dr. Kelso's father: Son, Daddy's got to move on. And I just want you to know that since the car is in your mother's name, I wouldn't be able to leave the family forever if it weren't for your bike.

(End flashback.)

Dr. Kelso: It's complicated. GET OFF THE ROAD!

(All the bikers scatter except for Ted. Dr. Kelso revs the car's engine.)

Ted: Not today, Bobby! Not today.

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Dr. Cox and J.D. enter.)

Dr. Cox: Ohhh...

Dr. Hedrick: I see we're growling at other human beings now.

J.D.: How you feeling Mrs. Wilk?

Mrs. Wilk: [weakly] Oh, not great. I'm cold.

Dr. Hedrick: She's been getting weaker.

J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, you spend most of your time just trying to hold on.

(Cut to Nurses' Station)

J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's trying to hold on to your perception of a relationship...

Elliot: Hey, that was fun last night, I'm glad you got my message.

Keith: I didn't get any message.

Elliot: Oh.

Carla: Elliot, if he didn't get your message, that means he called you for sex and you went over and gave it to him!

Turk: You're his booty call now.

(Cut to parking lot.)

J.D.'s Narration: ...or just trying to hold on the handlebars of your custom bicycle.

(Dr. Kelso puts the car in gear and floors the accelerator. )

Ted: Don't worry, Teddy, he'll turn.

Dr. Kelso: Why'd you leave me Daddy?

(Dr. Kelso hits Ted, which sends Ted flying over the car into the pile of sand.)

Janitor: Now we got leverage.

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.)

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, as a doctor you see your fair share of people who simply can't hold on any longer.

J.D.: She's in multi-organ system dysfunction.

Dr. Hedrick: She's OK. She's ready.

Scene 3

Open: Mrs. Wilk's room and ICU.

J.D.'s Narration: Mrs. Wilk didn't have much time, so either Dr. Cox or I had to notify her next of kin. As physicians, we knew just how to do it.

(Dr. Cox and J.D. are hanging onto the rafters of the ceiling.)

J.D.'s Narration: First one to drop tells her.

Dr. Cox: [out of breath] Phew. Pretty strong there, newbie.

(J.D. yawns.)

J.D.'s Narration: I was not. But hopefully, the duct tape I used to connect my prosthetic arms was.

(Dr. Cox lets go at the same moment as the tape rips on J.D.'s arms.)

J.D.: Ow.

Dr. Cox: Oh, why are we still doing this, I've seen people in Mrs. Wilk's shape turn it around, right?

J.D.: She could totally turn it around!

Dr. Hedrick: Denial. Yeah, it's not uncommon for people close to the patient to also undergo the five stages of grief.

Dr. Cox: It's not denial. She could rally.

J.D.: Yeah, totally rally.

Dr. Hedrick: Oh yeah. I mean, look at her, she could be in a vitamin commercial.

Dr. Cox: How would you like to be in a broken jaw commercial?

Dr. Hedrick: God help me. I don't care if it does kill me, I just love this fake sugar.

(Dr. Hedrick pours a sugar packet into his coffee, then exits.)

Dr. Cox: If he keeps ignoring my threats I -- I'm gonna have to hit him.

J.D.: The good news is it looks like he has a soft face.

Patient: [offscreen] Are you done with my arms?

J.D.: Coming to you, Mr. Johnson.

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Elliot: So? I was Keith's booty call last night. Whatever, it'll blow over.

Carla: That's not good enough, Elliot! By letting Keith get the upper hand you've given Turk ideas. Look at him.

(Turk enters with a fancy walking stick.)

Turk: Baby. I know you hate my cool walking stick, but I gotta be my own man. It's catching on!

(And elderly man with a can enters and taps Turk's cane with his.)

Turk: Yeah.

(Cut to hospital room. Ted is in a hospital gown as Janitor attempts to place an IV.)

Janitor: OK, Teddy. I got this baby flowing now. I dunno if that's good. You should sue Kelso. You have a serious tort on your hands.

Ted: Tort?

Janitor: Civil case. From the French avoir tort?

Ted: Did you go to law school?

Janitor: No, I was Ruth Bader Ginsberg's janitor for a while.

Ted: Ruth Bader who?

(Dr. Kelso enters.)

Dr. Kelso: Hey, there's my guy! I just came up to apologize for that little fender bender out there. So, would two floor seats to the WNBA All-Star game just make all of this go away, huh?

Ted: Absolutely!

Janitor: Uh, Ted is going to be wanting a little bit more than that, I'm afraid.

(Janitor takes the tickets from Ted and puts them in his pocket.)

Ted: I am?

(Janitor nods.)

Ted: I am!

(Cut to Dr. Cox's Porsche. J.D. is crammed in the back seat.)

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox and I decided to give Hedrick a piece of our mind. Unfortunately, I had lost front seat privileges.

J.D.: Yeah, you're right. Still a little sticky. Not yet ready for passengers.

(Dr. Cox barges into a room with J.D.)

Dr. Cox: All right, Lester! We are having this out, right here, right now!

(The room turns out to be a group therapy session.)

Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of God. What is this, some pansy, get-in-touch-with-my-feelings-because-my-mommy-didn't-love-me group?

J.D.: Yeah, is that what it is?

Dr. Hedrick: Actually, this is a support group for the terminally ill.

J.D.: Oh, we should probably go.

Dr. Hedrick: No, no, please continue.

Dr. Cox: Stop bugging us. I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as useful as fairy dust.

Patient: He's actually helped me quite a lot.

Dr. Cox: Oh. Good.

J.D.: [whispering] Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: [whispering] Yeah, Newbie, what do you got?

J.D.: [whispering] That guy looks fantastic. What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes?

Dr. Cox: Ah, you know what, to hell with you, Hedrick!

Dr. Hedrick: Group, can you tell me what stage of grief Dr. Cos is going through?

Group: Anger.

Dr. Hedrick: Anger, yes.


J.D.: Nor do you want to see I angry.

(J.D.'s fantasy. J.D. storms over to Dr. Hedrick and bites off the eraser on his pencil.)

J.D.: You better hope you don't make any mistakes.

(J.D. walks away and high fives Dr. Cox. End fantasy.)

J.D.: It's awful.

Dr. Cox: Uhng.

(Dr. Cox and J.D. exits. J.D. kicks the door on his way out. Cut to Admissions Area.)

Turk: All right, Carla's down there telling Elliot to ignore you so she can regain the power.

Keith: Well, I don't really care.

Turk: Well, you know, this isn't about you Keith. This is about men everywhere who've been abused and bullied by women! It's about me. Now when they walk by, you call her a different name.

Keith: I won't do it.

Carla: OK, here's how you get your power back from Keith. Totally ignore him.

Elliot: Really?

Carla: Yep.

(Carla and Elliot walk past. Turk hides behind a wall.)

Turk: [imitating Keith] Hey, how you doing, Clare?

Elliot: Did you -- did you just call me Clare?

Keith: No, I would never call you --

Carla: [interrupting] Oh, snap!

(Carla and Elliot exit]

Keith: Elliot! That didn't even sound like me.

Turk: I know, they hear what they want to hear. They hear what they want to hear.

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Dr. Cox and J.D. look in from the window.)

Dr. Cox: I tell you what. I'd do anything if it meant she'd pull through this.

J.D.: Me too.

Dr. Hedrick: Hey, that sounds like bargaining. That's the third stage. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't just hiding down there just so I could pop up and say that. I was -- I was plugging in my iPod. Oh, um.

Dr. Cox: Ehh.

(Cut to Ted's office. Dr. Kelso enters with an object covered in a red cloth.)

J.D.'s Narration: We weren't the only ones at the bargaining stage.

Dr. Kelso: Heh, heh, heh.

(Dr. Kelso places the object and removes the cloth. It is a bust of Ted.)

Ted: Ohhhh!

(Dr. Kelso places a sculpted hair piece on the bust.)

Ted: Ohhhhhh!!

Dr. Kelso: Now, let's talk, Ted. Just you and me. No lawyers.

(Cut to cafeteria.)

Carla: OK. I know how you can regain control of Keith.

Elliot: Carla, don't bother. That booty call thing was fun for a while, but I'm so sick and tired of being a cold, emotionless bastard.

Dr. Cox: [from the next table] Don't ever get sick and tired of that, it is awesome being that.

J.D.: [from the next table] We love it.

(J.D. puts his arm around Dr. Cox.)

Dr. Cox: No!

J.D.: It's too much, I know.

Carla: Well, you can always get another boy toy, right? Plus, every time you look at Keith you're gonna be reminded of all that no-strings-attached fun you had.

Elliot: That's not what I'll remember.

(Flashback. Keith waves to Elliot in the hall. Cut to Elliot's bedroom.)

Keith: I just want to tell you how beautiful you look right now.

Elliot: That is so sweet.

(They kiss. End flashback.)

Carla: Oh, Elliot! You like him!

J.D.'s Narration: And that was the moment it got real for Elliot.

(J.D.'s and Dr. Cox's pagers go off. They exit.)

J.D.'s Narration: And for Dr. Cox and me.

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.)

Dr. Cox: Should be any minute now.

J.D.'s Narration: We'd been there before when someone died. But this felt different.

(Mrs. Wilk flatlines.)

J.D.: [long pause] She's gone.

J.D.'s Narration: We were definitely in the depression stage. And bless Hedrick, he didn't say it. All he said was...

Dr. Hedrick: She was lucky to have you two as doctors.

J.D.'s Narration: Letting go is never easy.

(Cut to hallway.)

J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's letting go of the leverage you had over your boss...

Janitor: Sir, I would like to have the word "maintenance" written on the back of my unis in tiny light bulbs. That way, when I'm on a break, I can turn it off, like a taxi.

Dr. Kelso: Your friend settled. It's over.

Ted: I got seven Sunday's off a year. YAY!

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

J.D.'s Narration: ...or letting go of your old booty call and making him your boyfriend.

Elliot: Hey. You wanna go for dinner tonight? And I mean at seven, not midnight.

Keith: I'd love that.

(Cut to roof.)

J.D.'s Narration: But there's nothing more difficult than letting go of someone you cared about.

Dr. Cox: She was a great old gal.

J.D.: She was.

(Dr. Hedrick calls up from the parking lot.)

Dr. Hedrick: Hey! Acceptance!

(Dr. Kelso runs over the bike Dr. Hedrick was holding.)

Dr. Kelso: Damn bikes!

(Dr. Cox and J.D. sit on the beach chairs.)

Dr. Cox: Boy, sometimes you just gotta love Kelso.

(They look momentarily at the third chair next to them, then skyward.)