Scrubs, Season 8, Episods 18 and 19, "My Finale"

(Opens to J.D. sitting in bed next to a still sleeping Elliot)

(Snow, by the Red Hot Chili Peppers is playing in the background)

J.D. [Narrating]: I can't believe today's my last day at Sacred Heart. I couldn't let my mind drift back to my very first day.

(Flashback- J.D. and Carla are moving a patient on a gurney.)

Carla: Don't look at me when we're moving someone.

J.D.: Why?

(J.D. hits his head on a lamp)

(Flashback- Dr. Cox yells at J.D.)

Cox: …and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

(Cox storms out)

(Flashback- Turk and Todd trying to resuscitate a crashing patient)

Turk: Clear!

(Turk defibrillates patient. Patient sits up screaming.)

(Turk screams)

(Everybody screams)

(Flashback- Dr. Keslo insults J.D.)

Keslo: Dr. Dorian. Do you not realize that you're nothing more than a large pair of scrubs to me?

(Flashback- Janitor interrogates J.D. regarding a broken door.)

Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?

J.D.: No, (stutters) I was just making small talk.

Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

(Flashback- J.D. and Elliot hiding in a supply closet)

J.D.: I thought we cared about each other!

Elliot: Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me you would have done the same thing.

J.D.: I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I want to do is sleep with you now!

Elliot: Do me right here.

J.D.: Okay.

Elliot: See!

J.D.: (Groans)

J.D. [Narrating] I won in the end though, because now she loves me, and I get to have her whenever I see fit. In fact, I think I'll use this last day thing to score some morning sex.

J.D.: I can't believe today's my last day…

Elliot: No morning sex.

J.D.: Worth a try.

(They both sit up)

Elliot: We can kiss if you remembered to lay out mouthwash last night.

J.D.: I did. (Picks up two cups of mouthwash)

Elliot: Did you water it down so we can just swallow it?

J.D.: Of course I did.

[Narrating]: Actually, I did not remember to water it down at all.

(Both drink the mouthwash and gasp. Elliot kisses J.D.)

Elliot: Morning.

J.D.: Be weirder.

(Music stops)

(Elliot sits up and snorts)

Elliot: You love it! How'd you sleep?

J.D.: Really well actually.

Elliot: I knew it, you want to know why? This is my bed! I had it brought here because it's so comfortable.

J.D.: You don't have a bed at you're house anymore?

Elliot: Why bother? I've slept here like every night since you moved.

J.D.: So… we live together?

Elliot: (Shrugs) Kind of, I guess.

J.D.: I feel like I should have been told.

Elliot: (Laughs) Come on.

J.D.: I see it now, you've been sneak moving in here for days. The clothes in the dresser, those girly pictures on the couch, this really weird picture of a Vegas showgirl…

(Elliot snatches the picture away from him)

Elliot: Don't make fun of my brother Barry. I think he looks very beautiful.

J.D.: They did a dynamite job on his boobs, are those Gs?

Elliot: Double Ds. Plus, you're the guy who keeps asking me to bring stuff over here. Are you seriously upset?

J.D.: I'm very upset, I don't even think morning sex could fix it… Although it might.

Elliot: Fine (Lies down) Do I have to move a lot?

J.D.: You never do anyway.

Elliot: True.

(Cut to Carla and Keslo drinking coffee at Coffee Bucks. Ted walks up and sits with them.)

Ted: Aw man, he got my coffee wrong.

Carla: How?

Ted: It's dirt.

(Ted pours the dirt on the table)

Keslo: That may be because I told Donnie you thought his coffee tasted like dirt.

Ted: Why would you do that?

Keslo: Because Donnie's a vengeful little punk and I wanted to see what he would do.

Ted: He's a convicted felon, he shivved a guy!

Keslo: I love you Donnie, muffin please!

(Keslo catches a muffin thrown by an offscreen Donnie)

Carla: I still can't believe you're going back to work.

Keslo: I miss doctoring. And the great thing about Locum Tenens is it's part time and you have to go where they need you, so it's going to force Enid and me to travel.

Ted: You finally gonna stop hanging 'round here?

Keslo: Yep, this is my last muffin in this place.

Ted: You finally gonna stop hanging 'round here?

Keslo: Ah, look, he's stuck on a thought. If he doesn't get off it in a few minutes just kick him, that's what I always do.

Carla: Okay.

(Keslo sighs and stands up)

Keslo: I've enjoyed this stupid coffee spot so much, I need a memento. Would you distract the staff while I steal my favorite table?

Carla: I don't think so Bob.

Keslo: Understood, it's not you're fight.

(Keslo walks away)

Ted: You finally gonna stop hanging–

(Carla kicks him)

Ted: You finally gonna stop–

(Carla kicks him again)

Ted: You finally gonna–

(Carla kicks him a third time)

Ted: Ahh! Thank you.

Carla: No problem

(Ted picks up some dirt and lifts it to his mouth)

Carla: I wouldn't do that.

(Ted tastes the dirt)

Ted: It's good dirt.

(Cuts to J.D. and Elliot getting out of his car)

Elliot: So I actually did drift off a bit, how was the morning sex?

J.D.: I was awesome!

Elliot: Really?

J.D.: Nah, I never really got things going, my peep was sleepy.

(Elliot laughs)

Elliot: Hey, J.D., I know that it's your last day, but I'm not going to say goodbye because even just saying the word a second ago is going to make me cry—

(Elliot bursts into tears)

J.D.: Okay, okay, deep breaths, deep breaths!

Elliot: I can't catch my breath, I can't catch it, I can't catch it! Where is it? Where is it?

J.D.: Breath it out, breath it out.

(Elliot starts breathing quickly and calms down)

Elliot: Okay, I'm back. Plus I'm just going to see you at our place tonight, okay?

J.D.: Did you just say "our place"? You are sneak moving in!

Elliot: You're ears are playing tricks, and J.D., people should make a big deal about you leaving Sacred Heart, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't live up to the expectations you have in you're head, okay?

J.D.: (Laughs) I think I'll be fine.

(Shows Turk standing in front of a banner reading "Goodbye J.D." which is hung in front of the entrance)

Turek Yeah, I know it's blocking the stairs, but people can walk around, right?

J.D.: You're the greatest, get over here! (Hugs Turk) You're my bear!

Turk: That's right!

J.D.: Growl for me!

(Turk growls)

J.D.: What are those pads for?

Turk: Those pads there my friend are for you to fall on.

(Shows pads on the ground beside an ambulance)

Turk: In honor of your departure, I'm about to give you your final, full turbo, spinning eagle.

(J.D. and Elliot laugh)

J.D.: Prepping for take-off!

Turk: Excellent! Now did you get my text about not eating after midnight last night?

J.D.: Yeah, all I've had is mouthwash.

Turk: Lets do this, come on!

J.D.: Mounting!

(Turk lifts J.D. on to his shoulders)

J.D.: 3! 2! 1!

(Turk spins around while J.D. yells "Eagle" repeatedly)

(A woman walks up with her husband, whose nose is bleeding)

Woman Are these two doctors?

Elliot: I'm afraid so.

J.D.: Never! Stop! Spinning me! Eagle!

(Turk sets down J.D. and collapses onto the pads)

Turk: Find a pad!

J.D.: I can't find it!

Turk: Dude! Follow my voice!

J.D.: Coming!

(J.D. crashes into the ambulance then falls on the pads)

Elliot: There's another hospital down about three miles that way.

(The woman and her husband leave)

Elliot: You okay babe?

J.D.: Eagle.

Elliot: Yeah…

(Opening sequence)

(J.D. and Turk walk through the hospital doors.)

J.D.: Fantastic eagle, buddy.

Turk: Yeah, I really feel like I nailed it.

J.D.: Still I'm going to see you all day, I'm worried you did your goodbye too early.

Turk: Oh my god I did, I'm such an idiot!

J.D.: It's alright, I can fix this, we just have to match that initial goodbye intensity every time we see each other, can you do that for me?

Turk: Yeah, I'll just answer you like this. (Spreads his arms) Come here you!

(They hug)

J.D.: You smell like a weight lifter.

Turk: Thats 'cause I worked out this morning.

(Elliot and Carla walk up)

Elliot: Wow

Carla: It's alright, I've finally dealt with the fact that you'll never hold me like that.

Elliot: Maybe we should try it, see what we're missing.

(Elliot and Carla embrace each other moaning and groping while J.D. and Turk give advice)

Elliot: You smell like a tugboat captain.

Turk: Dude, it's finally happening!

Elliot: Now I see what we were missing, you guys are on to something.

Turk: I usually cup the butt for support.

J.D.: Our groins are usually closer.

Turk: It's like they're clapping.

J.D.: They almost slap each other.

Elliot and Carla Yeah, we're not doing that.

J.D.: Excuse me.

(As J.D. walks away he narrates)

J.D. (Narrating) To Hell with doing my goodbyes too early, I want my moment with Dr. Cox, and I want it now!

(J.D. walks up on Dr. Cox talking with Jordan)

J.D.: Dr. Cox, since this is my last day I got you a little something, you know, as a thank you because, in my mind, you're the one who made me the man I am today.

Cox: You can't blame me for that.

Jordan: No, that's to mean.

J.D.: It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.

(J.D. hands Cox the book)

Cox: Wow!

J.D.: Check it out, pleather bound, I did the calligraphy; the number next to each passage is a rating system depending on how much each particular rant hurt me emotionally, one being something I could easily shrug off, and five being something that still makes me want to cut myself.

Jordan: Oh, look, "The only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning against!"

J.D.: That one used to be a five, but now it's a four: I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.

Jordan: Who wants to see what Jordan does when she's bored?

(Jordan walks away)

Cox: Hey Newbie, what if, say, I wanted to locate something in here about just how little I care about any given moment that you and I have spent together.

J.D.: Good question, you just flip over to the glossary, and you see: "How little I care", page 19, boom, page turn, "Things I care as little about as J.D.'s last day of residency."

Cox: (Laughs) I remember this one. Every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, and everything, everything, everything, everything, everything that exists past present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions, and of course…

Together Hugh Jackman!

J.D.: That was nice, I like that we shared that.

Cox: Me too because it's the exact sentiment that I wanted to put out there for you on your last day of work here. Thank you for this lovely present.

(J.D. spreads his arms for a hug, but Cox walks right by him)

J.D.: Okay, you're welcome.

(Cut to J.D. examining a patient, an old woman whose son Dan is in the room with her)

Patient: Up close you are not a handsome man.

J.D.: Thank you Mrs. Stonewater.

Patient (to son) When you're gone he's gonna hit me!

Dan: Mom, he's not going to do that, Dr. Dorian?

J.D.: I would never hit a patient Mrs. Stonewater, I am not a hitter.

Dan: See, he hates hitting.

J.D.: Well I wouldn't say that I hate hitting…

Dan: That's a little strange.

J.D.: Does wrestling count as hitting, because my friend Turk and I sometimes wrestle and I really like that.

Patient: When you're gone he's going to wrestle me!

J.D.: No, only if you tickle me first, that's what Turk does.

Patient: (Screams) Now he wants to tickle me!

Dan: Are you an idiot?

J.D.: Can I talk to you outside for a second?

(J.D. and Dan leave the room)

Dan: That is not my mom, okay, the paranoia, and the delirium, these last few weeks it's like she's checking out…

J.D.: I know it's frustrating, but I promise you, we're going to find the answer.

Patient: (Yells from room) He's going to hit me when you leave!

J.D.: I'm almost positive I won't!

Dan: Don't think you need the almost part.

J.D.: I'm very positive I won't, it will never happen!

J.D.: (To Dan) Sorry.

Dan: You a new doctor?

J.D.: Actually, it's my last day.

Dan: Yeah, that makes sense.

J.D.: That was hurtful.

(Comercial Break)




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