(Opens to J.D. sitting in bed next to a still sleeping Elliot)
(Snow, by the Red Hot Chili Peppers is playing in the background)
J.D. [Narrating]: I can't believe today's my last day at Sacred Heart. I couldn't let my mind drift back to my very first day.
(Flashback- J.D. and Carla are moving a patient on a gurney.)
Carla: Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
(J.D. hits his head on a lamp)
(Flashback- Dr. Cox yells at J.D.)
Cox: …and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
(Cox storms out)
(Flashback- Turk and Todd trying to resuscitate a crashing patient)
(Turk defibrillates patient. Patient sits up screaming.)
(Flashback- Dr. Keslo insults J.D.)
Keslo: Dr. Dorian. Do you not realize that you're nothing more than a large pair of scrubs to me?
(Flashback- Janitor interrogates J.D. regarding a broken door.)
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, (stutters) I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.
(Flashback- J.D. and Elliot hiding in a supply closet)
J.D.: I thought we cared about each other!
Elliot: Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me you would have done the same thing.
J.D.: I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I want to do is sleep with you now!
Elliot: Do me right here.
J.D. [Narrating] I won in the end though, because now she loves me, and I get to have her whenever I see fit. In fact, I think I'll use this last day thing to score some morning sex.
J.D.: I can't believe today's my last day…
Elliot: No morning sex.
J.D.: Worth a try.
(They both sit up)
Elliot: We can kiss if you remembered to lay out mouthwash last night.
J.D.: I did. (Picks up two cups of mouthwash)
Elliot: Did you water it down so we can just swallow it?
J.D.: Of course I did.
[Narrating]: Actually, I did not remember to water it down at all.
(Both drink the mouthwash and gasp. Elliot kisses J.D.)
J.D.: Be weirder.
(Elliot sits up and snorts)
Elliot: You love it! How'd you sleep?
J.D.: Really well actually.
Elliot: I knew it, you want to know why? This is my bed! I had it brought here because it's so comfortable.
J.D.: You don't have a bed at you're house anymore?
Elliot: Why bother? I've slept here like every night since you moved.
J.D.: So… we live together?
Elliot: (Shrugs) Kind of, I guess.
J.D.: I feel like I should have been told.
Elliot: (Laughs) Come on.
J.D.: I see it now, you've been sneak moving in here for days. The clothes in the dresser, those girly pictures on the couch, this really weird picture of a Vegas showgirl…
(Elliot snatches the picture away from him)
Elliot: Don't make fun of my brother Barry. I think he looks very beautiful.
J.D.: They did a dynamite job on his boobs, are those Gs?
Elliot: Double Ds. Plus, you're the guy who keeps asking me to bring stuff over here. Are you seriously upset?
J.D.: I'm very upset, I don't even think morning sex could fix it… Although it might.
Elliot: Fine (Lies down) Do I have to move a lot?
J.D.: You never do anyway.
(Cut to Carla and Keslo drinking coffee at Coffee Bucks. Ted walks up and sits with them.)
Ted: Aw man, he got my coffee wrong.
Ted: It's dirt.
(Ted pours the dirt on the table)
Keslo: That may be because I told Donnie you thought his coffee tasted like dirt.
Ted: Why would you do that?
Keslo: Because Donnie's a vengeful little punk and I wanted to see what he would do.
Ted: He's a convicted felon, he shivved a guy!
Keslo: I love you Donnie, muffin please!
(Keslo catches a muffin thrown by an offscreen Donnie)
Carla: I still can't believe you're going back to work.
Keslo: I miss doctoring. And the great thing about Locum Tenens is it's part time and you have to go where they need you, so it's going to force Enid and me to travel.
Ted: You finally gonna stop hanging 'round here?
Keslo: Yep, this is my last muffin in this place.
Ted: You finally gonna stop hanging 'round here?
Keslo: Ah, look, he's stuck on a thought. If he doesn't get off it in a few minutes just kick him, that's what I always do.
(Keslo sighs and stands up)
Keslo: I've enjoyed this stupid coffee spot so much, I need a memento. Would you distract the staff while I steal my favorite table?
Carla: I don't think so Bob.
Keslo: Understood, it's not you're fight.
(Keslo walks away)
Ted: You finally gonna stop hanging–
(Carla kicks him)
Ted: You finally gonna stop–
(Carla kicks him again)
Ted: You finally gonna–
(Carla kicks him a third time)
Ted: Ahh! Thank you.
Carla: No problem
(Ted picks up some dirt and lifts it to his mouth)
Carla: I wouldn't do that.
(Ted tastes the dirt)
Ted: It's good dirt.
(Cuts to J.D. and Elliot getting out of his car)
Elliot: So I actually did drift off a bit, how was the morning sex?
J.D.: I was awesome!
J.D.: Nah, I never really got things going, my peep was sleepy.
Elliot: Hey, J.D., I know that it's your last day, but I'm not going to say goodbye because even just saying the word a second ago is going to make me cry—
(Elliot bursts into tears)
J.D.: Okay, okay, deep breaths, deep breaths!
Elliot: I can't catch my breath, I can't catch it, I can't catch it! Where is it? Where is it?
J.D.: Breath it out, breath it out.
(Elliot starts breathing quickly and calms down)
Elliot: Okay, I'm back. Plus I'm just going to see you at our place tonight, okay?
J.D.: Did you just say "our place"? You are sneak moving in!
Elliot: You're ears are playing tricks, and J.D., people should make a big deal about you leaving Sacred Heart, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't live up to the expectations you have in you're head, okay?
J.D.: (Laughs) I think I'll be fine.
(Shows Turk standing in front of a banner reading "Goodbye J.D." which is hung in front of the entrance)
Turek Yeah, I know it's blocking the stairs, but people can walk around, right?
J.D.: You're the greatest, get over here! (Hugs Turk) You're my bear!
Turk: That's right!
J.D.: Growl for me!
J.D.: What are those pads for?
Turk: Those pads there my friend are for you to fall on.
(Shows pads on the ground beside an ambulance)
Turk: In honor of your departure, I'm about to give you your final, full turbo, spinning eagle.
(J.D. and Elliot laugh)
J.D.: Prepping for take-off!
Turk: Excellent! Now did you get my text about not eating after midnight last night?
J.D.: Yeah, all I've had is mouthwash.
Turk: Lets do this, come on!
(Turk lifts J.D. on to his shoulders)
J.D.: 3! 2! 1!
(Turk spins around while J.D. yells "Eagle" repeatedly)
(A woman walks up with her husband, whose nose is bleeding)
Woman Are these two doctors?
Elliot: I'm afraid so.
J.D.: Never! Stop! Spinning me! Eagle!
(Turk sets down J.D. and collapses onto the pads)
Turk: Find a pad!
J.D.: I can't find it!
Turk: Dude! Follow my voice!
(J.D. crashes into the ambulance then falls on the pads)
Elliot: There's another hospital down about three miles that way.
(The woman and her husband leave)
Elliot: You okay babe?
(J.D. and Turk walk through the hospital doors.)
J.D.: Fantastic eagle, buddy.
Turk: Yeah, I really feel like I nailed it.
J.D.: Still I'm going to see you all day, I'm worried you did your goodbye too early.
Turk: Oh my god I did, I'm such an idiot!
J.D.: It's alright, I can fix this, we just have to match that initial goodbye intensity every time we see each other, can you do that for me?
Turk: Yeah, I'll just answer you like this. (Spreads his arms) Come here you!
J.D.: You smell like a weight lifter.
Turk: Thats 'cause I worked out this morning.
(Elliot and Carla walk up)
Carla: It's alright, I've finally dealt with the fact that you'll never hold me like that.
Elliot: Maybe we should try it, see what we're missing.
(Elliot and Carla embrace each other moaning and groping while J.D. and Turk give advice)
Elliot: You smell like a tugboat captain.
Turk: Dude, it's finally happening!
Elliot: Now I see what we were missing, you guys are on to something.
Turk: I usually cup the butt for support.
J.D.: Our groins are usually closer.
Turk: It's like they're clapping.
J.D.: They almost slap each other.
Elliot and Carla Yeah, we're not doing that.
J.D.: Excuse me.
(As J.D. walks away he narrates)
J.D. (Narrating) To Hell with doing my goodbyes too early, I want my moment with Dr. Cox, and I want it now!
(J.D. walks up on Dr. Cox talking with Jordan)
J.D.: Dr. Cox, since this is my last day I got you a little something, you know, as a thank you because, in my mind, you're the one who made me the man I am today.
Cox: You can't blame me for that.
Jordan: No, that's to mean.
J.D.: It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.
(J.D. hands Cox the book)
J.D.: Check it out, pleather bound, I did the calligraphy; the number next to each passage is a rating system depending on how much each particular rant hurt me emotionally, one being something I could easily shrug off, and five being something that still makes me want to cut myself.
Jordan: Oh, look, "The only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning against!"
J.D.: That one used to be a five, but now it's a four: I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.
Jordan: Who wants to see what Jordan does when she's bored?
(Jordan walks away)
Cox: Hey Newbie, what if, say, I wanted to locate something in here about just how little I care about any given moment that you and I have spent together.
J.D.: Good question, you just flip over to the glossary, and you see: "How little I care", page 19, boom, page turn, "Things I care as little about as J.D.'s last day of residency."
Cox: (Laughs) I remember this one. Every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, and everything, everything, everything, everything, everything that exists past present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions, and of course…
Together Hugh Jackman!
J.D.: That was nice, I like that we shared that.
Cox: Me too because it's the exact sentiment that I wanted to put out there for you on your last day of work here. Thank you for this lovely present.
(J.D. spreads his arms for a hug, but Cox walks right by him)
J.D.: Okay, you're welcome.
(Cut to J.D. examining a patient, an old woman whose son Dan is in the room with her)
Patient: Up close you are not a handsome man.
J.D.: Thank you Mrs. Stonewater.
Patient (to son) When you're gone he's gonna hit me!
Dan: Mom, he's not going to do that, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: I would never hit a patient Mrs. Stonewater, I am not a hitter.
Dan: See, he hates hitting.
J.D.: Well I wouldn't say that I hate hitting…
Dan: That's a little strange.
J.D.: Does wrestling count as hitting, because my friend Turk and I sometimes wrestle and I really like that.
Patient: When you're gone he's going to wrestle me!
J.D.: No, only if you tickle me first, that's what Turk does.
Patient: (Screams) Now he wants to tickle me!
Dan: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: Can I talk to you outside for a second?
(J.D. and Dan leave the room)
Dan: That is not my mom, okay, the paranoia, and the delirium, these last few weeks it's like she's checking out…
J.D.: I know it's frustrating, but I promise you, we're going to find the answer.
Patient: (Yells from room) He's going to hit me when you leave!
J.D.: I'm almost positive I won't!
Dan: Don't think you need the almost part.
J.D.: I'm very positive I won't, it will never happen!
J.D.: (To Dan) Sorry.
Dan: You a new doctor?
J.D.: Actually, it's my last day.
Dan: Yeah, that makes sense.
J.D.: That was hurtful.
(A nurse hands JD a chart in the lobby. The Janitor walks up.)
Janitor: Can there begood without evil?
J.D.: That's probably a question for your priest.
Janitor: I'm Jewish.
J.D.: Really? Shalom.
J.D.: Never mind.
Janitor: That good evil thing was in my head because I was watching unbreakable by M'Night Shyamalan.
J.D.: It's M. Knight, you don't say Muh Night, it's M. Night, no Muh.
Janitor: No it's Muh. Like C'Thomas Howell or F'Murray Abraham.
J.D.: Don't think so.
Janitor: No Muh?
J.D.: No Muh.
Janitor: Well that's funny. 'Cause we were bowling the other night and he says "Man, no one ever says my name right." I said "Muh, you've got two bigger problems than that: one of them is that seven-ten split you left for yourself, and the other one, is how about trying to write a movie without a big twist ending." Well, he took offense, got pissy, wouldn't talk to me for a good hour, but he loosened up on the hay ride.
J.D.: Yeah, I'm sure that's a true story.
Janitor: Anyway, I wanted to do something big, for your departure, but nowadays my wife is taking up all of my time. I wanted to spend all in the lab, but she wanted to play cards.
J.D.: You have a lab?
Janitor: So I decided to go simple. What would you say this is.
(The Janitor pulls a necklace with a penny on it from under his shirt.)
J.D.: Seems like a really gay piece of man-jewelry.
Janitor: It is. It's also the penny that you put in the door eight years ago.
J.D.: For the last time, I did not put a penny in the door!
Janitor: Admit it!
J.D.: Oh, God! Why did you do that?
Janitor: 'Cause I read in a book that if you surprise someone with an accusation, they're more likely to tell you the truth.
J.D.: I don't really think that's going to work.
Janitor: Okay, well, I'm not discouraged. You know what they say ADMIT IT!
J.D.: Could you stop doing that? Nothing's going to happen
Janitor: Don't feel bad, I'm probably doing it wrong.
(The Janitor walks away shouting "Admit it" to himself)
(JD and his interns are gathered around a patient.)
Sunny: Doctor Dorian, if a patient says that his painkillers aren't working, how do we know if he's just trying to scam drugs, or if he really needs more pain meds?
J.D.: What I recommend is taking a safety pin and then just giving him a quick little stab, okay.
(The interns all start writing this down.)
J.D.: Kidding! Guys, we don't ever stab.
(The interns all cross out what they just wrote.)
J.D.: With pain meds, it's hard to gauge–
(JD is cut off by Turk hugging him)
Turk I'm gonna miss you so much.
J.D.: Then squeeze me like you mean it. You smell like it's hot out.
Turk It's hot in my heart.
J.D.: Get out of here.
(Turk walks away. The interns stare)
J.D.: Okay, I can understand that might have seemed a little girly, even for me.
Denise: Not really.
J.D.: You know, Jo, I'm not really taking comments right now, no, it's sort of an announcement phase, okay? Announcement number one: starting tomorrow Dr. Cox will be leading intern rounds. Sadly, it is my last day. You are now free to comment, who would like to start us off?
J.D.: Nobody? Jo? It's funny, you were eager to make a comment only moments ago.
Denise: No, I've got nothing.
J.D.: I order you to comment!
Denise: Umm… I'll miss you?
J.D.: Aww, Jo…
Sunny: I'll miss you too!
J.D.: It's over sunny, it's too late.
(Dr. Cox walks up)
J.D.: There he is, speak of the devil. I was just prepping these guys for you to take over, maybe you would like to say a few words, about how you and I got started, our relationship began as a, a student teacher thing, and then evolved into something a whole lot more. The floor, Perry, is yours.
Cox: I'm okay.
J.D.: He's okay. You're okay? He's okay. Okay, uh, I guess I'll just have to settle for handing over the ceremonial reins.
(JD pretends to hand the imaginary reins to Dr. Cox, who merely glares at him.)
J.D.: Take the reins please.
Cox: I don't want to.
J.D.: Take the reins.
Cox: I don't want the reins.
J.D.: Please take the reins.
Cox: I'm not taking the reins.
Sunny: I can take the reins and just hold them for him.
J.D.: I feel like that will work out for everyone.
(JD tries to hand the reins to Sunny.)
J.D.: Careful, they're heavy, this guy can pull!
Cox: No one's taking the reins!
J.D.: Okay, then what am I going to do with the reins? Reins are on the ground, happy now?
(JD walks off angrily)
Cox: Alright, children, tomorrow morning I want you prepped on the endocrine system.
(JD comes back in frame holding an imaginary torch)
J.D.: At least let me pass off the torch.
Cox: Oh, for the love of God, disperse!
(The interns and Dr. Cox disperse, leaving JD holding the torch. As he takes a chart from a nurse, he hands her the torch)
J.D.: Would you take this please? It's very hot.
J.D. [Narrating] And just like that, it was time to ruin someone's day.