The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Female Trouble".


[Breakfast] J.D.: [Narrating] I don't know why, but I feel like Turk and Carla are upset with me. Still, I can't be sure, so it's always good to test.

J.D: May I have a pancake please? [Carla throws one in his face]

J.D.: [Narrating] Okay, they're mad. [Turk draws a whipped cream frowning face on the pancake] I'm pretty sure it's because of my new girlfriend. She's amazing. Don't get me wrong, she's not the warmest person.

[Flash to Dinner] J.D.: You know, the funniest thing happened--

Neena: I'm eating.

J.D.: Sorry. [His plate is empty] I'm starvin'. Wish I hadn't left my wallet at home. [Thinking] Mmm, bread. [He reaches for the bread basket and gets his hand slapped--hard]

[Flash to the Hospital Parking Lot] J.D.: [Narrating] Also, the sex could be a little impersonal. [J.D. is thrown out of the passenger seat, shirtless and with his pants down as Neena's car skids to a stop]

J.D.: So that's a no on cuddling?

[Flash to Breakfast] J.D.: [Narrating, as he pulls the pancake off his face] Still, Turk and Carla's main problem with Neena is that she's a malpractice attorney who's suing Turk. Needless to say, I was doing everything I could not to rub the relationship in Turk's face. I could probably do more. [Neena walks in and J.D. greets her with a hug and a kiss]

Neena: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.

J.D.: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?

Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt. [She smacks him on the ass]

J.D.: Nope.

Turk: Hit him again baby. [She does]

J.D.: Why?

[The Hospital] J.D.: [Narrating] After spreading half a tube of what I thought was burn ointment on my butt, it was off to work.

Elliot: What smells like Vagisil?

J.D.: Nothing. How can I help you?

Elliot: Remember how I thought Mr. Peterson's back pain was sacroiliitis and you said it wasn't? Well, I was right. [She takes his coffee and takes a big sip, then immediate spits it back out into the cup]

J.D.: Elliot, you should never use scalding hot coffee for a victory sip. It's a beginner's mistake.

Elliot: Oh yeah? Well you're ***so something something (such an expert on that?)***.

J.D.: [Narrating] Over the past few months Eliot's come into her own as a doctor. Now that her mentor Molly is gone, she wants to prove it wasn't a fluke.

Kelso: [On the loudspeaker] Attention staff: One of our hospital's board members is coming in as a patient. The first doctor to my office gets to treat him.

J.D.: [Narrating] Of course around here, everybody's looking to prove themselves.

Kelso: Go. [A race ensues, with doctors knocking over everything from stretchers to patients. There's a brief rest in the elevator.]

Elliot: So Craig, how's your grandmother doing?

Craig: Oh, she's much better now, thanks. Turns out it was just-- [The elevator door opens and Elliot elbows him in the face. The race continues and J.D. gets there first. He's cheering when Kelso opens the door--right into his face. Elliot takes the file from Kelso.]

Elliot: Thanks! [Looking down on J.D.] Oh... [She walks over him.] Hmph.

[Opening Credits]

[Admissions] Carla: J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occasionally have nightmares of you running away together.

J.D.: Where do we go?

Turk: One time we went to Aspen.

J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.

Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.

J.D.: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.

Turk: [As J.D. mouths the words behind him] If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.

Carla: Oh please, when you were single, you were never that desperate... Were you?

[Flash to Turk with a rather large woman] Woman: Oh that was amazing.

Turk: [Who's been pressed into the mattress] Yes, it was.

[Flash back to Admissions] Turk: We're all God's children in the dark.

Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel, just like you told me last night, or I will do it for you. [She begins her impression of Turk crying] Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?

Turk: [To J.D.] I want you to stop seeing her.

J.D.: Fine. But I'm only ending it because friends come first.

Carla: Plus, you already had sex with her.

J.D.: Four a half times! [He gives Turk a high five] Lata!

[Nurse's Station] Elliot: Jordan. You're on the board, what is the story on my patient Mr. Summers?

Jordan: Well Stick, I'm going to warn you the same way I warn Perry every time I have more than three scotches. Prepare to have your ass grabbed!

Elliot: That's disturbing in like... eight different ways.

Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.

Elliot: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident--

Cox: Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

[The Deposition] Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?

Mr. Corman: [Laughing] Big bag of money...

Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?

Ted: [Looking nervous] No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks.

Neena: Ted, you ready to get started?

Ted: [Now sweating profusely, he gulps] Whenever you're ready, Neena. First off, I'd just like to say that these charges-- [He puts his sweaty hand on the table and slips, knocking himself unconscious on the way down]

Turk: We should take a short recess.

Neena: Believe me, you're better off.

Kelso: I agree.

Neena: Now, Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'd like to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in surgery.

Kelso: You're diabetic?

Turk: Yes. I told you that.

Kelso: I thought you were joking.

Turk: How is that funny?

Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease. And I don't like you.

Turk: How do we even know he plays tennis? [Neena turns on the TV. Mr. Corman is playing tennis. He plays like a wannabe ballerina] Look at him. He's awful! You are awful!

Mr. Corman: Wait for the serve. [In the video, he throws up the ball. We don't see the serve, but we hear it and see Turk and Kelso's reactions.]

Kelso: [As they're leaving the room] We're settling.

Mr. Corman: [He approaches Turk outside the deposition room] Hey, I want you to know that I still think you're a great doctor. And I've been talking to my rabbi a lot lately about me finally getting circumsized. It's not a religious thing, it's--it's more for the ladies. What?

[Back in the Deposition Room] J.D.: Hey Neena. [She turns around and glares at him] [Narrating] God help me, I'm going to miss that smile. [To Neena] I think because of the whole Turk situation we should probably stop seeing each other.

Neena: No.

J.D.: You can't just say no. No is the answer to a question. And I clearly wasn't asking a question, Neena. I was making a dramatic statement. And I'm sorry, but that statement was goodbye. [He turns to open the door, but she puts her hand on it. He struggles, but can't muster up the strength to open the door.] You know, one of us is going to tire eventually.

[Patient's Room] Elliot: So how are we feeling Mr. Summers?

Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest. And not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.

Elliot: Fantastic! I'd like to start by--

Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested. Now, how about you be a nice little nurse and go find my doctor.

Elliot: Actually sir--

Mr. Summers: His name is Elliot Reid. So, what's the word? This guy any good?

Elliot: Oh, he rocks! [She walks out]

[Hallway] Turk: Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're going to have to take a step down lifestyle-wise.

Carla: I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down? Hey come on! One of the most amazing things about you is that you never let anything beat you.

Turk: Yeah, I am pretty impressive.

Carla: Yes you are. Now don't you let anything else get into that beautiful head of yours. Okay?

Turk: What could get into this man's head, baby? Huh? [A food cart is wheeled away to reveal Dr. Cox, waiting]

Cox: Tough day, huh? You wanna talk about it? [Turk nods yes]

[Deposition Room] J.D.: Neena, it's over.

Neena: No it's not. In fact, I find myself oddly turned on by your timid baby horse standing up for the first time style of lovemaking.

J.D.: First of all, thank you. Secondly, I tried to be reasonable. Now if you want to see my dark side, you're going to see my dark side. [He reaches to tickle her stomach] A-tickletickletickletickle... A-tickletickletickletickletickle...

Neena: Yet another strong moment for you?

J.D.: Okay, fine, why don't you just tell me how this ends?

Neena: You won't break up with me, you will betray your friend.

J.D.: What is this, some kind of lawyer mind trick? It's not gonna happen!

Neena: Sit down.

J.D.: [Sits down] I won't, I'm leaving.

Neena: You're going to have sex with me.

J.D.: [Taking off his shirt] I'll do nothing of the sort.

Neena: And as the ultimate act of betrayal, you will do it on the very same sweat and tear-soaked table where I crushed your friend.

J.D.: Oh, I hate a dirty table.

Neena: [Crawling up on the table] You love a dirty table.

J.D.: [Climbs up on the table] God help me, I do. I do love a dirty table.

[Patient's Room] Elliot: Okay, Mr. Summers. Your EKGs came back and Dr. Reid liked what he saw.

Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?

Elliot: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole! He also said for you to stop paying off orderlies to sneak you cheeseburgers, you big load. [She removes two cheeseburgers from behind his pillow]

Mr. Summers: Wow, he's old school. Like me. [He smacks her on the ass]

Elliot: Hey! That belongs to Dr. Reid!

Mr. Summers: So you and Reid...

Elliot: Yes. We're lovers. Red hot lovers.

Mr. Summers: I'm guessing he's married.

Elliot: She doesn't understand him like I do.

Mr. Summers: I love this guy.

Elliot: Not like I do.

[Nurse's Station] Carla: Hey, Turk's kind of in a dark place right now, so stay away from him, okay? Nothing personal, you're just an awful human being.

Cox: Of course. But, uh, we kind of crossed paths already.

[Flash to Earlier in the Day] Cox: Life is pointless Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200Gs trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall, and a bullseye on your back.

[Back to Present] Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.

[Flash to Earlier] Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.

[Present] Cox: We covered people.

Carla: And I know you would never do anything to ruin his innocence.

[Earlier--at a magic show in pediatrics] Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time. Right?

[Present] Cox: People pretty much hear what they want to hear, okay?

Carla: What did you do? [The camera pans over to Turk, who is stopped by a woman in the hall]

Mother: Hey, excuse me. My son is interested in becoming a doctor, and I thought maybe you could tell him what it's like.

Turk: I'd love to! I would love to! Do you have a dog, Bowl Cut? Well, I want you to find a pile of its best work and roll all around in it. See, that's how it feels to be a doctor. Because here's the dirty little secret. People don't want your help. They want your dignity, they want your pride, but mostly, they want your money. Good luck in med school. Oh! The next time you see a magic show, the bunny was in the hat the whole time. Peace out!

Carla: [To Dr. Cox] You are so dead.

J.D.: [Narrating] You can only keep the truth hidden for so long.

[Patient's Room] Mr. Summers: Enough is enough. I want to meet this Dr. Reid!

Elliot: No problem! [She turns away] Frick!

[Hallway] Carla: Turk, wait! Let's sit down and talk about this. [They open the door to the deposition room and see Neena on top of J.D.]

J.D.: [Narrating] And when the truth comes out, it doesn't set you free as much as you'd hope. [To Turk] Hey buddy! [Narrating] Especially if it involves betraying your best friend.

Ted: [Getting up from under the desk] Did we win?


[Hallway] J.D.: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her closer! Turk!

Cox: Hey Gandhi! Gandhi, I think we should talk. What do you say? [Turk slips away from both of them into the elevator]

J.D.: [Narrating] Sure, Dr. Cox and I were feeling guilty. But if Turk didn't want to talk about it, we were in the clear.

Carla: May I have a word with you two?

[Nurse's Station] Elliot: Okay, who wants to be me? Craig, you're probably still mad at me. [Craig has a bandage on his nose and a rather nasty bruise] Anyone else?

Todd: [He has his hands in his scrubs top and is pretending that they're breasts] Dr. Reid. At your service.

Elliot: Okay, that's a no for Todd. Isn't there anyone here that I can trust to be me?

[Patient's Room] Janitor: Hello. I'm Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I'm a doctor.

[Lounge] Carla: What is the matter with you two? J.D., you said you were going to break up with Neena.

J.D.: I know! Believe me, the whole time we were having sex I was thinking about Turk. That came out wrong.

Carla: And you! Why do you want everybody in this hospital to be as miserable as you?

Cox: How could you not get this? What does misery love?

Carla: Alright, look--

J.D.: Company! Misery loves company! Misery loves company...

Carla: Oh God...

Cox: Okay, sure sure. Maybe we did screw up, just a pequito, but come on. We're definitely not the ones you want to be mad at.

Carla: Oh yeah, then who?

Mr. Corman: Hiya fellas!

[Patient's Room] Janitor: Summers, I think we can save your foot.

Elliot: It's his heart.

Janitor: I know that. We're concerned about your ticker. [He's momentarily distracted by a smudge on the window]

Elliot: Ahem!

Janitor: Ah, yes. Yes yes. Well, your paper script looks good. But, I'm going to have to listen to that heart of yours. [Dr. Cox and Jordan walk past Mr. Summers' room. A second later, they come back and gawk from the doorway] Well, I'm afraid I was wrong. We're going to have to take that foot.

[Nurse's Station] J.D.: [Narrating] My talk with Carla gave me the courage to take a stand. After all, misery loves comradery. [To Neena] Look, Neena...

Neena: If you talk about ending our relationship again, I'll punish you.

J.D.: [Narrating] Punish me? How?

[Flash to a Tattoo Parlor] J.D.: You know what, no, this is crazy. I am not going to get your name tattooed on my ankle, okay? [We see a giant tattoo of Neena's face on J.D.'s chest and stomach] Enough is enough! [He turns around to reveal another tattoo of the backside of her head on his back] Alright? A man has to have his limits. Let's get out of here. Come on!

[Back to the Nurse's Station] J.D.: [Narrating] And that's when I realized I would never be strong enough to break Neena's hold over me. I needed help. I needed someone who was even scarier than she was. I needed a real witch.

[Flash to a darkened hallway. We see a witch's hat and hear cackling. The camera pans under the hat to reveal...]

[Outside Mr. Summers' Room--Jordan is wearing a witch's hat and cackling] Jordan: Someone must have left this here from Halloween.

Elliot: God, Dr. Cox is going to go off on me. It's going to be worse than the time my brother Barry caught me reading his Playgirl magazines.

Jordan: Don't you mean Playboy?

Elliot: No.

Jordan: So you're saying that your brother's--

Elliot: Yes.

Jordan: Has he actually told your family that--

Elliot: No.

Jordan: But everyone's positive that he's--

Elliot: Yes.

Jordan: Do you think he and another guy have ever--

Elliot: No more questions.

Jordan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.

Elliot: Why are you being nice to me?

Jordan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home. And he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment. Don't go backwards. Own what you did with Mr. Summers. You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.

Elliot: Really?

J.D.: Jordan? I need you to break up with somebody for me.

Jordan: Really.

[Lounge] Mr. Corman: Hey. There's no pie here. Oh my God! Oh, you two are going to kill me!

Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.

Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.

Mr. Corman: Oh, I see. This is your Hippocratic Oath? Schoolyard threats? Seriously, is there no pie?

Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.

Mr. Corman: You know what? I don't feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there's something that you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they're forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?

Carla: So what you're saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you've decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?

Mr. Corman: I fear I've said too much.

[Admissions] J.D.: Okay, this woman is horrifying, so don't panic.

Jordan: I'll be fine.

J.D.: I was talking to myself.

Neena: Oh, there you are. Go get in the backseat of my car and lie down on the floor.

J.D.: Okay. [He goes toward the door but is stopped by Jordan]

Jordan: Neena, a word?

J.D.: [Narrating] Oh, it's so on.

Neena: You got something to say? Say it.

J.D.: [Narrating] The thing about strong women... If you call them out, they're going to give you a piece of their mind.

[Outside Mr. Summers' Room] Cox: I should have known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.

Elliot: Look, I did what I had to do to treat this guy. And as far as me being scared about you telling him that I'm full of crap? [She yells into the room] Hey Jerkwad! I'm Dr. Reid!

Mr. Summers: What?!

Elliot: Oh, and by the way. I had a little chat with your wife. I know I'm in your head. It took me three years to move in and I am not moving out.

[Lounge] Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw.

[Admissions] Jordan: You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy. This is my house. You and Mr. ***Chestless???*** here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liason into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.

[There's a fantasy sequence with Jordan and Neena dressed in sweatsuits and wielding large swords. A fight ensues.]

J.D.: [Narrating] And just like that we all knew who had won.

Neena: Ouch.

[Admissions] J.D.: Yeah!

Neena: Okay. Fine, it's over.

J.D.: [Narrating] I'm free?

Neena: [To the Todd] Hey you. Go get in the back of my car.

Todd: Awesome.

J.D.: Wow. Thanks, Jordan. I'll see you around.

Jordan: Not so fast. You're my bitch now.

[Nurse's Station] J.D.: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans. [He does a squat and slaps himself on the ass]

Cox: Cry me a river. You know what Gandhi's wife made me do this afternoon because I supposedly crushed his spirit?

Turk: What?

[Flash to Mr. Corman's Country Club] Mr. Corman: Ever since the surgery I've been serving lefty. It's a little unpredictable, but I'm getting some good heat.

Cox: Can't wait to see it. [Mr. Corman serves and hits Dr. Cox in the chest, sending him flying into the fence]

Mr. Corman: Hit you on the fly! Fifteen-love!

[Nurse's Station] J.D.: Turk, I'm sorry about Neena.

Turk: It's okay, man. She's a woman. I understand.

J.D.: [Narrating] And the truth was, he did understand. No matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, strong confident women will always have the power over us. Whether they're fighting for respect, fighting for their man, or even just fighting for the hell of it. Strong women make all guys feel the same way. [There's a shot of the three women walking down the hall, past the men. After they pass, the guys have turned into little boys.]

Little Cox: Jordan looks mad, I should go.

Little Turk: I have to pick up Carla's dry-cleaning.

Janitor: Well, what do we have here?

Little J.D.: Oh, no.

Janitor: [He picks Little J.D. up and slings him over his left shoulder] I heard from a reliable source that you want to live in dumpster. I can arrange that. Yep, I know just the right neighborhood.


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