I'm a huge brain in a ripped-up body. I am Jesus H. Cox, M.D.Dr. Cox

"My Drive-By" is the twenty-fourth episode of Scrubs' fourth season. Turk saves a life and doesn't want to brag, but Dr. Cox pushes his ego. Janitor and Kelso face off over a scooter. Elliot tries not to have sex with Jake.


Dr. Cox brags.

Turk vs. Cox

Dr. Cox is bragging to the hospital about a great diagnosis he made. In the process, he rips on Lonnie, J.D., and Turk. Seeing Cox's full ego on display sickens Turk, and when he saves a man's life at a local taco stand, he tries to keep the information to himself, not wanting to brag. Dr. Cox, who assisted, tells an altered form of the story around the hospital, claiming all the credit for the life-saving. This drives Turk to distraction; he ultimately yells out that it was all him, to Cox's delight.

Cox later turfs Turk an annoying patient, Mr. Hoffner, who is wary of a simple gallbladder removal. Usually, Turk would use his confidence to put the patient's fears to rest, but as a result of Cox's taunting, he has become a lot more humble. Dr. Cox reminds Turk that without his ego, he wouldn't be who he is/where he is today, and that the right amount of ego is healthy. A revitalized Turk wins Mr. Hoffner over with his bravado.

Elliot and Jake

Elliot and Jake

Elliot is enjoying dating Jake, and he in turn is able to handle her "craziness" and pass Turk and J.D.'s good-guy test. Elliot thinks they have a chance of something special and tries to resist having sex with him, going so far as to invite J.D. on their dates to stop herself from giving in. When Jake overhears her plan, they talk about what they want from their relationship and agree that they do have a chance of something special. Jake is understanding and agrees to wait, but this just turns Elliot on, and they have sex anyway.

Recurring Themes

     More: FantasiesFlashbacksJ.D.'s girl namesJanitor's pranks and lies

A young Janitor eats off the floor.


  • J.D. checks out a guest house with a very forward, gay owner.
  • Janitor vows to keep all floors clean enough to eat off of when his mother forces him to eat his meals off the kitchen floor.
My floors are my children. I've given them names!Janitor to Dr. Kelso

Janitor story

Janitor discovers the tire tracks

Dr. Kelso takes a Rascal Scooter, a small vehicle that allows him to motor around the hospital (and visit patients) with a minimum of walking, off of an incapacitated Doug. The scooter's effects on the floor, random black marks, enrage the Janitor. He steals the scooter and turns it into a floor waxer. In the end, Kelso decides they need to find a way to share the Rascal, and tries to force the Janitor's hand by letting the scooter fall off the roof. However, the Janitor parked Kelso's car underneath, and the scooter tears through its roof. J.D. finds the scooter in the trash and rides around the hospital in it.

J.D.'s girl names

  • She, used by Perry Cox Dr. Cox says that J.D. wants to marry Turk because of his ego.

Recurring Episode Gags

  • At two points in the episode, Dr. Kelso uses the scooter to butt into a conversation, insult Elliot on the first and J.D. on the second, and then ride away.
  • Dr. Cox checks his reflection, once in a balloon, and once in the floor that the Janitor has cleaned.
  • The owner of the house J.D. wanted to rent follows J.D. during the episode and appears next to him.
  • Whenever Dr. Cox enters a room, people chant his name.
  • Before filming, Johnny Kastl, who plays Doug Murphy, broke his ankles while skiing. This exact scenario was incorporated into the episode to add to the character's clumsiness.

Guest Stars

Michael Hobert as Lonnie


Janitor's drawing on Doug's cast

At the Taco stand

Jake on the floor after Elliot shoves him

Elliot and Jake in bed

The scooter falls through Kelso's car

Nobody wants to live out their last years in a hospital, but people do. There's really not much we can do for them, except try to protect their dignity... and, of course, bet on them.J.D.'s narration

C'mon, Mr. Gilmore.J.D.
C'mon, Colonel Mustard.Turk

[Colonel Mustard wins in a photo finish]
Ha! Pay up.

Can I get some Jell-O, please?Mr. Gilmore
Jell-O is for winners..J.D.

For some reason, Jake was able to handle the piping hot, giant bowl of crazy that is Elliot Reid.J.D.'s narration

"It was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore."Janitor

And finished. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger and there were probably a few more prostitutes, but maybe I just remember it that way 'cos I was a kid... It was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore.Janitor

Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you'd broke both of your feet working in the morgue.Dr. Kelso

Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me!Doug

Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?Turk

Not until people start chanting my name so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Capisce? You see, this diagnosing machine, this fabulous thing, well, it runs on props, so I'm going to need to hear it. Come now.Dr. Cox
Cox. Cox. Cox. Cox. Cox. Cox...All hospital staff present, unenthusiastically
Me. Me. Me. Oh, so me!

Ha! Perry, Perry, Perry. You know what the difference between us is? Well, besides the fact that I can carry a conversation without checking my own reflection every five seconds?Turk

I'm sorry. I — I get lost in my eyes.Dr. Cox, distracted from looking at his reflection in a balloon
Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this because, unlike you...

[Sees Cox staring at his reflection in the balloon again, so he pops it with his pen]
...unlike you, I got in medicine to help people, not for my own personal glory.

I would so mock him right now if I wasn't so turned on!Jordan

I don't know how much longer I can avoid sleeping with Jake, man.Elliot

It's easy. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation, just do something that's a complete turn-off.J.D.
You know, like how you can swallow your whole fist.Carla

No way! She can't do that! Nooo!Male staffers, who have suddenly appeared behind J.D.
Calm down, boys. Let me just ask.
[The men take a step closer to Elliot]
Can you really swallow your whole fist?

Shhh. Don't ruin it.
[The men leave, satisfied]
Men are twisted.Carla

Wouldn't have mattered, Jordan. You know why? Because I am always right. It's something my... my old pal Gandhi here knows a little something about, because, you see, we are both egotistical peas in a giant narcissistic pod. And, to prove my point, I'm gonna go ahead and make an [takes out a jump rope] unnecessarily showy but undeniably impressive exit. Rope time, Gandhi. Feel it. I'll see ya later.Dr. Cox

[Cox jumps rope backward out of the scene]
I would so mock him right now if I wasn't so turned on!Jordan

"Was he smoking a gavel?"

Was he smoking a gavel?Dr. Kelso

I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FRANK!?" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank. I don't want you to worry about this another second, Mr. Hoffner, OK? 'Cos I'm the man. I am the man!Turk


  • Johnny Kastl actually broke both of his heels ski-jumping, so the writers incorporated this fact into the episode, though Doug broke his feet working in the morgue.
  • A cameraman can be seen in the reflection of the balloon when Dr. Cox is checking himself out.
  • When Turk and Cox are at the taco stand Turks tells the person eating a burrito to chew seconds later he starts choking as punishment for not chewing.

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