3x9 mocking Carla

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Dirty Secret".


INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY, DAY. J.D. is walking towards the reception desk, nodding and smiling at the people he knows.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Mornings in a hospital are filled with possibilities. You could encounter a disease you've never seen before. Make a life-saving diagnosis. Or try out the best new nickname _ever_.

J.D. passes Turk.

J.D.: Good morning, Black Whale.

Turk turns towards him.

Turk: No.

J.D. stops and turns around to face him.

J.D.: No to "black" or no to "whale"?

Turk walks away.

Turk: Just no.

J.D. smiles, a little disappointed, and gives Turk a thumbs-up. Slowly pan around J.D. to show The Janitor standing behind him.

Janitor: Hey, idiot.

J.D. turns around to look at him.

Janitor: [chuckles] I said "idiot" and you looked.

J.D.: I looked because you did the "hey idiot" thing to me, like, six months ago.

Janitor: Did you look then?

J.D.: [pensive pause] Yeah.

Janitor: Heh.

J.D.: You know what? I think you're out of ways to bother me.

Janitor: [a little shaky] No, you're wrong.

J.D.: Think of a way to annoy me right now.

The Janitor thinks about it, opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. J.D. walks off.

J.D.: That's what I thought.


Close on a hand holding a fan of Sea-World tickets, offering them to Laverne.

Nurse Roberts: Thanks for the Sea-World tickets, Sean.

Cut to show Sean.

Sean: So, you have family in town or something?

Nurse Roberts: Hell no, I'm going to sell these.

Sean: [not sure how to take that] Oh, okay.

Elliot (still NuElliot, damn that hairstyle doesn't suit her) walks up to Sean and grabs his shirt, pulling him close.

J.D. arrives to see Sean and Elliot together.

Elliot: Come here, Aquaman. One more patient and then we're gettin' out of here.

They kiss.

J.D.'s Narration: [sighs] Elliot and her marine biologist boyfriend, at it again.

J.D.'s Narration: So Elliot's marine biologist boyfriend comes back for the weekend just as my girlfriend leaves town for the holidays.

J.D. drops the clipboard on the desk, frightening both Elliot and Sean, making them break their embrace.

J.D.'s Narration: But you know what? It doesn't bother me!

Elliot: J.D., Sean's gonna let me swim with the dolphins this weekend.

J.D.: Oh really, that's great, I hope they don't maul you.

A worried Elliot whirls around to face Sean.

Sean: Relax Elliot, dolphins love people.

Elliot nods and starts to walk away. But something occurs to her and she turns around to face Sean again.

Elliot: H-how'd you get that giant scar on your leg again?

Sean: Oh, parachute pants. Yeah, it got caught in the zipper.

Elliot: Right.

Elliot walks off. Carla approaches behind the desk, near Sean.

Carla: [gasps] You're lying already! [sarcasm] I love that!

Sean: Well, it wasn't even a dolphin that bit me.

Carla: What was it?

Sean: Black whale.

Turk walks past and hears this.

Turk: You rang? [cracks a smile]

J.D.: Yes! I knew you'd end up liking it! [laughs]

The two of them jubilantly bump fists.

INT. HOSPITAL - PRIVATE ROOM The older woman on the bed, Mrs. Cantwell, sighs deeply as she prepares for her exam. Elliot pulls on some rubber gloves.

Elliot: Mrs. Cantwell, just have to give you a quick pelvic exam, so throw your feet up in these stirrups here and, uh, scoot your tushie down.

Elliot sinks below the sheets that block our view of Mrs. Cantwell's nether-regions. Jump-pan on Mrs. Cantwell's face, her eyes bug out of her head. Cut to a shot of The Nurses' Station, we hear Mrs. Cantwell moaning really loud. Moans turn to orgasmic screams, and everyone at the Nurses' Station turns to look at what's going on. Elliot bursts out of the room.

Elliot: [high voice] Come on, Sean, let's go!

Elliot flees but doesn't watch where she's going and crashes into a supply cart, knocking it over and falling to the ground.

J.D.: Shouldn't you at least buy her breakfast?

Sean runs to help his girlfriend.



INT. HOSPITAL - FRONT DESK Open on a close-up of Elliot. Pan back reveals Turk and J.D. with her.

J.D.: Elliot, don't be embarrassed. You're not the first person to give a patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam. No one cares.

Elliot: Please, I'm sure the two of you haven't stopped obsessing about it since the second it happened.

Turk: Woman, we're professionals. Isn't that right, Dr. Dorian?

J.D. isn't listening, he's obviously daydreaming.


Light is streaming in through the windows, there is a rose on the counter next to the bed. The opening guitar strains of Bryan Adams' "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman" play.

Elliot: 52? Mrs. Cantwell, you don't look a day over 25.

As Fantasy Mrs. Cantwell comes into the frame, we see that's true. She's a younger woman with dark hair, tanned skin, and luscious breasts enveloped in a sexy red bra. The lyrics of the song come up.

Fantasy Mrs. Cantwell: Why thank you, young lady.

Elliot sultrily reaches forward and touches her finger to Mrs. Cantwell's lips. Elliot starts to stroke the woman's hair, but Mrs. Cantwell takes her hand and has Elliot brush her cheek. The two smile at each other and prepare to kiss.


Back in the real world, J.D.'s eyes are closed and he's making kissing motions with his lips.

Turk: Dude!

J.D.: [flustered] Oh, I'm sorry. What--what's up? What's happening with the other thing?

Elliot: That's great.

J.D.: [laughing] Elliot come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like that!

Elliot: Oh, I'm sure you haven't.

Turk starts laughing at him.

Turk: See, it's funny because you've never really satisfied a woman!

J.D.: Well, you might want to double-check with YOUR MOM!

He laughs, and Elliot starts to laugh with him.

J.D.'s Narration: Around here we all make fun of each other.

A delivery man is walking in.

J.D.'s Narration: Except for Carla. _No one_ makes fun of Carla.

Delivery Guy: Got a gross of bedpans here, and where should I pick up my medal?

Carla: [good naturedly] For what?

Delivery Guy: For reading your chicken-scratch handwriting. Who is with me?

Pan over to show the rest of the reception area, everyone is looking at him, shocked.

Carla: Listen, I run back and forth for 18 hours a day between patients who _might_ die and patients who _will_ die, and if I find time to write an order for bedpans, I write it fast. So you will forgive me if I don't feel like being judged by some guy in his thirties who still wears shorts to work!

During this speech, by the use of clever camera angles the delivery guy now appears to be short, and Carla appears to be of titanic height.

Carla: Now, go ahead and say the only three words I want to hear coming out of your mouth.

Delivery Guy: S-sign here, please?

She signs, and the delivery guy rushes out.

INT. HOSPITAL - RECEPTION - LATER Dr. Cox and Jordan walk in.

Jordan: Thanks again for holding the door for me back there.

Dr. Cox: In my defense, I didn't know you were behind me because I didn't hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.

J.D. is walking passed, notices them, and makes his way over.

Jordan: Oh, I'm not--

J.D.: Heeey! How are the new happy parents?

Jordan: [fake joy] Oh, I'm living my dream. Have a great day today. [kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share. [smiles, and starts to walk away]

Dr. Cox: [laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me! Ohh... [turns to J.D., angry] Come, Dixie.

Cox walks off, J.D. follows.

J.D.: So, uh, you and Jordan...huh? You wanna talk about it?

Dr. Cox: I do, but not here, because I'll probably just [fake crying] oh...cry...and it's too late! Here I swore I wouldn't do this. Come on, Perry, get it together. Get it together. Get it to--you stop it! You stop it! You stop it! [hits self in chest] You stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Huuuuah! [normal again, turns back to J.D.] Come on, you idiot.

INT. PRIVATE ROOM Mr. Randolph (Barry Bostwick) lies in bed, his wife, Catherine, stands next to him.

Randolph: Heyyy fellas, what's the good word?

Dr. Cox: Uh, Mr. Randolph, your PSA number's* gone up quite a bit since your last blood test. Now, this could be from the prostatitis*, we won't know for sure until your biopsy results come back later on this afternoon. But I feel pretty certain that we're gonna find something.

Shot on the Randolphs, who take the news soberly. Catherine lowers her chin to her chest.

Randolph: Oh for God's sake Catherine, stop making a scene! I'm sorry doctors, but she gets a little emotional.

On the doctors, J.D. is bemused.

Dr. Cox: Are you two WASPs?

Randolph: Episcopalian. Why?

Cox smiles and gives him a thumbs up. A jaunty chord plays.

INT. HOSPITAL - RECEPTION Carla is caressing the back of Turk's head.

Carla: I can't believe you would veto the French Riviera for our honeymoon because of the nude beaches.

Turk: Baby, the whole point of marriage is that I'm the only one who gets to see your candies and whatnot.

Carla: I gotta go. [kisses him] Meet me in the On-Call room in an hour, I have a very sexy surprise for you.

Turk: Oh? Hell yeah.

Carla walks past J.D., slaps a chart into his chest.

Carla: This guy's sick.

J.D.: ["okay..."] Thanks.

J.D. walks off, reveal the Janitor standing behind him.

Janitor: You're stupid!

J.D. doesn't even turn around or stop walking.

J.D.: See, now you're just embarrassing yourself. Pick someone else to annoy!

Janitor: [calling after him] I don't pick 'em. They pick me!

A wad of paper flies into shot and falls at the Janitor's feet. He looks down at it and picks it up. He looks up and sees Turk in the "free throw" pose.

Janitor: You know, loose debris can get sucked up into the air conditioning vents. And when that happens, I have to spend the entire day crawling around inside the wall, and I don't like that. You know why? 'Cause there's not enough air. I've hallucinated. I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid. So here's the thing: you don't throw around loose trash, and I won't have to waste an entire workday granting the wishes of imaginary fisherman. 'Kay?

Turk: Dude, I'm not scared of you. Life's too good. [whispers into his ear] I'm untouchable.

Turk walks off.

Janitor: That's what I hoped you'd say.

He drops the paper wad into the trash can.

INT. I.C.U. Start on a close-up of the linen of one of the beds, pan up to show Kelso doing rounds. Doug and Elliot are present.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, how about you start us off by describing the medical condition of your patient Mr. Eronson here.

Doug: He's got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy* with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.* [looks to Elliot, smug]

Kelso picks up Eronson's wrist and lets it drop to the bed.

Dr. Kelso: Wrong. He's dead. [Doug doesn't look so smug anymore.] Another one bites the dust, huh, sport? [moves off] Next contestant, Dr. Reid.

Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation*; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators* but he did develop a rash on his, um...[makes whirling motions with the pen in her hand]...private area.

Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?

Elliot: His peepers.

Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?

Elliot: His schwing-schwong.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."

Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.

Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.

Kelso walks off, Elliot makes to say something, but can't manage to get anything out.

INT. PRIVATE ROOM Cox and J.D. are talking to the Randolphs again.

Dr. Cox: The, uh, the biopsy's back and I'm afraid it's positive for prostate cancer.

Randolph: Rats! Excuse my language, dear. You know what, Catherine, I can see this conversation being riddled with that kind of talk. Perhaps you should wait out in the hallway.

Mrs. Randolph obliges.

J.D.: Uh, you know sir, I know that it's cancer, but I'm not really worried.

Randolph: Excuse me, am I confusing cancer with some other disease?

Dr. Cox: No you're not. I think what Captain Bedside here [slaps J.D. upside the head]--

J.D.: Ow!

Dr. Cox: --is _trying_ to say is that it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet, so it's still quite easily operable.

J.D.: Yes, and there's an opening in surgery tonight, I managed to jam you in. Look, I know this is happening awfully fast, [climbs onto the bed] you must have a lot of emotions swirling around, but I want you to know if you have any questions at all, I'm here.

Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?

Dr. Cox: It's okay, tell him.

J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.

Randolph nods at this.

[Note: a short while ago NBC bought Bravo, which is why they allowed this reference. (Ed. "Allowed"? Try begged for the plug!)]

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY Focus on Cox's beeper, which goes off. As he checks it, we pan out to show him and J.D. strolling down the hallway.

Dr. Cox: Oh, lookathat, message from Jordan.

J.D.: How's it going?

Dr. Cox: Just great. [throws the beeper away, we hear it hit the ground]

Guy: [off-screen] Hey, watch it!

J.D.: Dr. Cox, we've known each other for over two years.... Let me in, okay? Help me help you. Help me help you, help me help you--

Dr. Cox: Stop it.

J.D.: -Help me, help you-

Dr. Cox: Fine, Newbie! Let me--let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning -- which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work -- when I am awakened by a sound: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? Nooo! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy. But, I go ahead and dig in; because I do love the lad and, well gosh, you know me, I'm a giver. And [whistles] I'm off to the hospital, where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown-car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week, so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper! And then I head back home where I'm greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well...nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I-i-in fact it used to smell like nothing at all. And all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know, maybe lay on the couch and have a beer and watch some SportsCenter and, if I'm not too sweaty from the day's labors, stick my hand right down my pants, buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of "pulling your weight". So, uh, there you are, superstar. Fix that.

Cox starts to walk away. J.D. chases after him.

J.D.: Well, that's easy! Just tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.

Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?

J.D.: First of all, no one understands relationships like Billy Joel, okay? "Uptown Girl" got me through high school -- long story for another day. Secondly, you don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you?

Cox thinks about that, J.D. starts to get it.

J.D.: You wish _we_ were more like the Randolphs, don't you?

Dr. Cox: [smiling blissfully] God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!

He whimpers and walks off.

INT. HOSPITAL - ON-CALL ROOM Center on the door as it opens, Carla pops her head around it, she smiles. Cut to a shot of Turk laying on a bed.

Turk: Rawwh! [imitation of dog biting] Come here.

They hug and kiss with little "mmm"s.

Carla: So, here's your surprise: You know we'll be getting married in six months.... And I just thought it would be so...[kisses him]

Turk: Yeah?

Carla: ...if we didn't have sex again until our wedding night.

Turk is horrified.

Carla: Can you imagine how great that night will be?

Turk: Awww-So great! Um, how about this, though: How stop having sex, but I keep having sex?

Carla: You mean like an affair?

Turk: No! I'll just have sex with you when you're sleeping.

Carla: Turk, how can you not think this idea is so romantic?

Turk: Maybe you got me confused with that little Amish boy you used to date.

Carla gets up and lightly taps his face, a small reprimand. Carla leaves, Turk groans and gets up. Pan back to show the grate in the wall. The Janitor is sitting in the duct, watching. He chuckles.

Janitor: Untouchable, eh?

INT. HOSPITAL -- CAFETERIA -- DAY Doug is sitting at a table, eating his lunch. The clock indicates it's 4:05. Dr. Kelso is walking past the table.

Doug: Hey, Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.

Dr. Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.

Doug: [getting up] Darn it!

Cut to the other side of the table, Elliot and J.D. were sitting across from him.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, and Dr. Reid, your patient, Mrs. Burke, has developed a urinary infection. Apparently it hurts when she makes wizzie-winkles through her sea-biscuit.

Kelso walks off, J.D. laughs.

Elliot: You know, it's not my fault that dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.

J.D.: Oh, who's fault is it?

Slam-zoom on Elliot.


A pool-boy is straining the pool with a net. Truck out to show a pre-teen Elliot and her mother lounging in deck chairs.

Elliot's Mom: But more important than anything, more important than never letting yourself get fat, is never let a man put his dirty howdoyoudo into your bajingo.

The pool-boy walks by and strokes Mrs. Reid's face; she lets out a barely-suppressed gasp.

Elliot's Mom: Jorge! I need to see you in the potting shed.

She gets up and walks to the potting shed, pulling Jorge in with her. Elliot turns around and watches with awe and admiration.


Elliot is nostalgic, J.D. looks stunned.

Elliot: She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed. But she never fired him. Even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.... J.D., how am I supposed to reverse 26 years of uptight repression?

J.D.'s Thoughts: This is a job for Miss Busybody Smartypants!


Carla stands up there with two of the nurses, drinking coffee. She turns and looks into the camera. Cut to a shot of her gearing up in climbing gear and shimmying down the side of the building on a long rope. She crashes in through the window of the cafeteria, right next to our heroes table.

Carla: [taking off gloves] I know what you have to do, and I'm gonna help you through this.


J.D. rubs his eyes.

INT. TURK and J.D.'S APARTMENT - NIGHT On J.D. rubbing his eyes. Turk is sitting on the couch next to him.

Turk: Dude, I'm dying here.

J.D.: Turk, it's been like eighteen hours since you had sex.

Turk: I'm saying, this is torture!

J.D.: So why don't you just, like, "take care of yo'self"?

Turk: Man, you know I don't do that.

J.D.: You don't?

Turk: Nah, I only did that like twice in my life.

J.D.: Same here.

J.D.'s Thoughts: If by "in my life" you mean "since I got home".

J.D.'s Thoughts: If by "in my life" you mean "since dinner".

J.D.: [slaps his knee] I gotta go to sleep, I'm tired.

The door opens and Cox comes in, wearing a Red Wings jersey.

Dr. Cox: Ohhhhh, my little newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? [Turk points] Good night, roomies.

He goes off to J.D.'s room.

J.D.: [sitting down] We gotta get that lock fixed.

Turk: The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one connected to Carla's panties. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith. I thought I was the locksmith, man.

Fade to black



INT. TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Open on a chessboard, pan past to show Turk and Cox sitting on the couch, Cox is playing with a football.

Turk: Then she cut me off, man, just like that. Full prison lock-down, no one gets in or out.

Dr. Cox: Man, that's tough.

Pan over to show J.D. laying on the floor, using Rowdy as a pillow.

J.D.: If you're not gonna use my bed, can I use it?

Dr. Cox: No you may not, on account of this whole Jordan situation being your fault.

J.D.: [pissed] You told her that spending the day with the baby isn't really a job and that it's turned her into an inflexible shrew!

Dr. Cox: Newbie, you told me to tell her exactly how I feel, I did just that. Now you'll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.

J.D. gets up and puts Rowdy under his arm.

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I--I know this is tough on you what with you being psychotic and all, but, I'm out, okay? It's 3 a.m. and there's nothing in the world that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.

He starts to go to bed, and the phone rings.

With an Angelesque scene transition, we find ourselves in: INT. HOSPITAL - PRIVATE ROOM It's the Randolph's room. Mr. Randolph and Catherine are here.

J.D.: What do you mean you changed your mind about surgery?

Randolph: Catherine downloaded some information on alternative treatments -- diet, exercise, seed implants....

J.D.: No, sir, those are, at best, a stall. Now I know there's trepidation when you talk about surgery in the area of the penis--

Randolph: Whoa! Quick pause on the guttertalk! Catherine, hallway.

Catherine walks out.

J.D.: Look, I--

Mr. Randolph stops him until his wife has cleared the room.

Randolph: Go.

J.D.: I know there are possible side-effects, but the incontinence goes away with most patients, and sexual dysfunction can be treated with anything from Viagra to a penis pump.

Randolph: [raises eyebrows] Penis pump? That sounds awkward.

J.D.: [suave] Doesn't have to be.

FANTASY: J.D. and Catherine stand over Mr. Randolph's bed, all eyes on the man's midsection.

Swingy music plays as the scene runs in 2 or 3x speed. J.D. pumps one of those large stand-alone bicycle pumps rapidly. Randolph looks impressed, Catherine is clapping her hands gleefully. Once pumped, J.D. ties off his work with some intricate twists.

Randolph: Wow! It's a giraffe!

Both Randolph and Catherine clap, J.D. makes an "oh, it's nothing" gesture.

END FANTASY: Solarize into reality.

Randolph: End of discussion! I'm not having the surgery. Although I don't mind that they've shaved me already. Proportionately, everything seems much...grander.

INT. HOSPITAL - DOCTORS' LOUNGE - DAY Elliot and Carla are sitting next to each other.

Carla: All right, Elliot, you just have to ease into it, okay? Let's forget about patients for now [holds up magazine] and start with this. [it's a centerfold]

Elliot: Ohh, my God! She's got a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! [pause] Is it sad?

Carla: Her _vagina_, Elliot, she has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.

Turk walks in, and gasps at the centerfold.

Turk: Awwwh! This just isn't fair. [walking away] Not fair at all. It's ridiculous!

Elliot: [getting up] This is stupid!

Carla: Elliot, I'm just trying to help.

Elliot: Yeah, you know what Carla, I don't remember asking for your help, okay?

She storms out. Carla looks at the centerfold.

Carla: It does look a little sad. They always do.

INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY Turk is getting off of the elevator. "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" plays. The janitor sings along with it.

Janitor: [seeing Turk] Hey!

Turk: This is a hospital, why are you playing that song?

Janitor: Ohh! [turns it down] You mean "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" -- Jermaine Stewart's classic anthem to platonic love. No reason.

Turk: Whatever it is you're trying to do, it's not working.

Janitor: 'Course not, not with you. You're, uh...what'd you say? Untouchable. Well, anyway, back to work.

He turns the tape player around so it's playing loudly again and starts doing the robot dance, humming loudly along with the song.

Turk covers his ears and walks away.

Janitor: [smiling] New friend!

INT. HOSPITAL - I.C.U. - NURSES' STATION Elliot drops her clipboard on the counter.

Elliot: Mr. Greenberg needs 2.4 milliunits of penicillin IM.

Carla: Why, does he have a spinkle in his gherkin? [laughs]

Elliot: Carla, you're right, okay? That stuff makes me uncomfortable, and there was a time when that would've sent me into a shame spiral, but now I'm just gonna get over it at my own pace. And until then, I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me, but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.

Carla: People can make fun of me.

Elliot: Come on! What about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.

Carla: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.

Elliot: Really? Well, then, in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.

Carla: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.

Pan over to show Laverne.

Nurse Roberts: A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.

J.D. is passing, he slows up.

J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole, like, hands on the hips, "Carla from the block" thing she does when she's mad -- when she's like [imitating her] "Oh, Bambi, you do _not_ want to mess me with right now."

Pan over to show Doug, who is laughing at J.D.'s impression.

Doug: [laughing] You do sound like that.

Carla: [pointing] Careful Doug, we are not that close yet.

Behind Carla, J.D. mocks her pose as she scolds Doug. Elliot giggles and joins in.

J.D.: [mocking] "Careful, Doug."

Elliot: [mocking] That's what's up. Mm-mm. Mmm.

J.D.: [mocking] "Doug, you better be careful, 'cause I'm Carla."

INT. HOSPITAL - PRIVATE ROOM Randolph is resting in his bed. J.D. and Turk approach.

J.D.: Mr. Randolph.

Randolph: What's he doing here? You know I don't like these people.

Turk looks at him, shocked, about to say something.

Randolph: [clearing it up] Surgeons. Not African-Americans.

Turk: Oh!... We're actually saying "black" now, sir.

Randolph: [shouting to the hallway] I was right, Catherine!

J.D.: Listen sir, I brought Dr. Turk here to help you get over your fear of surgery.

Randolph: I'm not scared.

J.D.: Then what is it?

Randolph: I don't know if you've noticed, but Catherine and I don't always communicate that well.

Turk: [feigning disbelief] No, I can't-- J.D.: [the same] You're joshing!

Randolph: No, it's true. [sighs] But when I lay that beautiful woman down onto our bed to make love--

Turk: [squicked] Wow. J.D.: [also squicked] Oh, God.

Randolph: --the walls come tumbling down. It's the one place that I can tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is, and how I would be lost without her. Now I know I will probably have to have this surgery eventually, but until then I am not going to risk losing the one thing that keeps me close to her. Not until I absolutely have to.

Catherine looks in from the hallway. She's heard this.

Randolph: Yes dear, you can come in.

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe the dirty little secret about sex is that it isn't so dirty after all.

"Do It Again" by Stroke 9 starts up.

INT. HOSPITAL - RECEPTION Jordan and Cox are fighting, J.D. walks up to them. Cox is wearing a shirt that says "I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

Jordan: Do you think you could try to be a tiny bit mature?

Dr. Cox: Oh, this is me mature. [covers ears] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

J.D.: Uh, excuse me.

Dr. Cox & Jordan: Whaaat?!

J.D.: Okay, so there's that.... Uh, look, I realize I let you down before, and I was thinking I could make it up to you by, you know, maybe baby-sitting sometime.

Cox and Jordan rush off, faster than the speed of light, leaving the baby in J.D.'s arms.

J.D.'s Narration: The weird thing is, even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.

INT. APARTMENT (SEAN'S? ELLIOT'S) - BEDROOM Elliot is reluctantly strolling towards Sean.

Elliot: You have a...penis. And I...[forcing herself]...have a vagina!

Sean: [gets up] That is so hot.

The two of them start kissing passionately.

J.D.'s Narration: But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort.

Elliot and Sean move over to the bed.

INT. TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Turk is watching TV, the door opens and Carla comes in.

J.D.'s Narration: And realize that sex can actually be a comfort.

Turk: Hey, baby. I was just with a patient who made me understand what romance really means. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you a hundred percent.

Carla takes the scrungee out of her hair and is shaking it loose.

Carla: Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults. I wanna have sex. Now.

Carla walks towards the bedroom, Turk leaps up from the couch.

Turk: I'll get the condoms.

After doing so, Turk rushes into the bedroom and slams the door. Carla stands in front of it, baffled. After a moment Turk opens it and lets her in.

Turk: Sorry. [grabs her]

INT. A HOTEL ROOM Start on a mounds of half-eaten food on a room service cart. As we pan up we see that Jordan and Cox (naked) are in bed together.

J.D.'s Narration: Sex can even be a cure.

Dr. Cox: Whoa, that was.... Well, why were you so angry at me?

Jordan: Oh, I don't even remember.

Cox laughs and the two of them embrace.

Pan over their discarded clothes.

INT. COX'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM J.D. is sitting with the baby (in his carrier) on the couch. He's flipping through the channels.

J.D.'s Narration: How do I know all this? Because no one understands how important sex is better than someone who isn't having any.

J.D.: [stops flipping] Helloooo, Cinemax.

After a moment he turns the baby-carrier around so the baby can't see the screen. J.D. watches the screen enthralled and shakes a baby toy in a way suggestive of another activity.


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