You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!Dr. Cox

"My Dirty Secret" is the ninth episode of Scrubs' third season. Elliot gets in trouble because of her inability to refer to patients' private areas using medical terms. Dr. Cox temporarily stays with J.D. and Turk because he can't handle Jordan. Carla allows everyone to make fun of her to prove that she can take a joke, but finds it hard to take.


Dr. Cox crashes with J.D. and Turk.

After Elliot gives a patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam and refers to patients' "private areas" using non-medical (euphemistic) terms, Dr. Kelso begins to taunt her. Carla tries to help, but Elliot gets upset and yells at her, telling her that she didn't ask for help. Elliot decides that she needs to take baby steps. She tests her new confidence on Sean, who is back in town, saying, "You have a penis and I have a vagina." This turns him on.

J.D. and Elliot mock Carla.

Carla tells Turk that she doesn't think they should have sex again until their wedding night, and Janitor uses this information to torment Turk. Turk does not like masturbation and is used to having frequent sex, so he takes Carla's suggestion as bad news, rather than as a romantic gesture. Later, Elliot complains that it's an unwritten rule that no one is ever allowed to make fun of Carla. Carla responds that her friends are allowed to, and Elliot, J.D., and Nurse Roberts immediately take advantage.

J.D. and Dr. Cox have a patient, Mr. Randolph, who struggles to communicate with his wife. (For instance, he tries to protect her from "gutter talk", apologizing for saying "rats" and making her leave the room when J.D. says the word "penis".) When he is diagnosed with prostate cancer, J.D. schedules him for surgery to have his prostate removed. At the last minute, however, Mr. Randolph changes his mind and refuses to have the surgery. J.D. brings in Turk to help Mr. Randolph get over his fear, but Mr. Randolph says he isn't scared. The reason he doesn't want surgery is that he doesn't want to risk complications that would affect his sex life, which he says is the only area in which he and his wife can truly connect.

Back at the apartment, Turk tells Carla that he is prepared to wait until marriage. But Carla is upset that everyone has been listing her faults, and she wants to have sex as a comfort. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox takes J.D.'s advice to tell Jordan about his frustrations with their relationship since the birth of their son, Jack, and as a result, he moves in with J.D. and Turk temporarily. J.D. offers to babysit to make it up to the new parents, and Dr. Cox and Jordan spend the night in bed together, which proves to be therapeutic for their relationship.

Recurring Themes

     More: FantasiesFlashbacksJ.D.'s girl namesJanitor's pranks and lies

Elliot kisses a patient.


  • Elliot kisses a sexy female patient who is 52 but looks 25.
  • Carla rappels down the side of Sacred Heart and crashes through a window so she can give advice.
  • J.D. uses a penis pump like a bicycle pump to fix Mr. Randolph's sexual dysfunction. He makes a giraffe out of the inflated penis like a balloon animal.


  • Elliot's mom tells a young Elliot that she should never let a man put his "dirty how-do-you-do into your bajingo", and then takes her pool-boy into the potting shed to "yell at him".

Janitor story

Elliot and her mother.

After J.D. tells Janitor that he (Janitor) has run out of ways to annoy him, Janitor tries to torment Turk. Turk responds that Janitor doesn't scare him and that he's "untouchable". While Carla explains to Turk her idea of not having sex again until their wedding night, Janitor eavesdrops on their conversation from within the air ducts. Later, he aggravates Turk's sex deprivation by playing the song "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart on his radio. After Turk gets annoyed and walks away, Janitor says under his breath, "New friend!"

J.D.'s girl names

  • Dixie
Come, Dixie.Dr. Cox

  • Newbie-doobie-doo is not a girl's name, but a dog's name based on "Scooby-doobie-doo".
  • Naomi
Say, that whole 'telling Jordan how I feel' thing just went terrific. Thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom?Dr. Cox

Guest Stars

Barry Bostwick as Mr. Randolph.


     List of music featured in Scrubs

  • "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams
  • "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart
  • "Do It Again" by Stroke 9
  • "Timing's Off" by Tart


Carla rappels...

...down the hospital...

...and crashes through a window.

Sean's gonna let me swim with the dolphins this weekend.Elliot

Oh, really. That's great. I hope they don't maul you.J.D.

Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation. He responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators, but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.Elliot

Sorry, on his what?Dr. Kelso
His peepers.

Excuse me?
His schwing-schwong.

Dr. Reid, your patient Mrs. Burke has developed a urinary infection. Apparently it hurts when she makes whizzie-winkles through her sea-biscuit.Dr. Kelso

People can make fun of me.Carla

Come on! What about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.Elliot
But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.

Really? Well, then, in that case, you're a know-it-all smartypants, and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.

A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus himself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.Laverne
Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole, like, hands on the hips, 'Carla from the block' thing she does when she's mad — when she's like, 'Oh, Bambi, you do not want to mess me with right now.'
You do sound like that.Doug Murphy
Careful, Doug, we are not that close yet.

J.D. helps a patient with a penis pump.

Maybe the dirty little secret about sex is that it isn't so dirty after all.J.D.

You have a penis, and I have a vagina.Elliot

That is so hot!Sean


J.D. uses Rowdy as a pillow.

  • Near the beginning, we can see that Carla is left-handed.
  • J.D. echoes Dr. Cox's "help me to help you" rant to Elliot from Season One.
  • In the beginning, the delivery man's name tag says "Frank", but it is later revealed that his name is Lloyd.
  • At the end, when J.D. offers to babysit Jack, Dr. Cox is wearing a shirt that says "I'm not as think as you drunk I am". J.D. says this line before he drunkenly kisses Carla in "My Lips Are Sealed". A deleted scene reveals that this shirt is actually J.D.'s, which may explain why he quotes the line.
    • The original line came from the M*A*S*H episode "Hot Lips and Empty Arms".
  • Sean should be away in New Zealand. He appears in this episode because it did not air in the order that it was written.
  • In the final scene, J.D. summarizes his thoughts on sex, stating that he is the only one in the group not having it. However, he was in a relationship with Danni at the time. This, too, is because the episode aired out of order; when it was intended to air, he had already broken up with Danni.
  • Elliot is shown to have trouble saying words like "penis" and "vagina", but she managed it in "My Bed Banter & Beyond", when she said, "I may need a vagina transplant." She was also comfortable using words like "penis" and "intercourse" in Season One.
  • Elliot describes how she was made fun of for her "orgasm face" in high school, but in "My Balancing Act", she confesses that she has never orgasmed before.
  • In this episode, Barry Bostwick's character, Mr. Randolph, has a prostate problem. Bostwick actually underwent prostate surgery in 1997.
  • Bostwick was the fourth Spin City cast member to appear on Scrubs.

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