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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Day Off".


J.D.: As a first year intern you have very little free time. So when you finally have a night off, it's important that you do something constructive with it.

Turk: Hey! Hey! Over here man!

J.D.: Hey man how's it goin?

J.D.: I have no idea who you are.

J.D.: What up dude!

J.D.'s Narration: Hey wait a second he's dating Carla. This is not good.

Turk: First of all I already told her I got a girlfriend. Second you just put your bare lips on my ear.

J.D.: How's it goin I'm-

Jennifer: J.D., I know. He won't stop talking about you. I'm Jennifer.

J.D.'s Narration: Mmm Jennifer.

Jennifer: Do you really spend every day saving children's lives.

Turk: Tell the nice lady.

J.D.: I do what I can.

Turk: It's on, it's on, it's on, it's on, it's on!

J.D. Booya

J.D.'s Narration: I know two things about bars, one they're always packed the week of Thanksgiving and two put a beer in my hand and I'm Mr. Smooth.

Jennifer: I was laughing so hard milk was coming out of my nose.

J.D.: Well, I once tripped over an I.V. and blood shot over everyone! Er uh a little got on my nose… Every damn day saving those children!

Turk: Who wants margaritas? Dude, less blood more fruity drinks.

J.D.: Right.

J.D.'s Narration: That's the thing about Turk he hasn't changed a bit since college. He's still the same goofball who tells me how to be cooler.

Turk: Dude, this girl's pretty hot, so try not to blow it. Okay?

J.D.: Why do you say that?

Turk: Because you're like a 24 hour convenience store. You never close.

J.D.: That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.

J.D.: Don't worry about it man I feel good tonight, you know what I'm saying?. Except for this stabbing pain in my side.

Turk: So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.

J.D.: Dude!

Turk: Oh my bad not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like. You know what I mean?

Carla: Poor Bambi. Don't worry Carla will take care of you. Make sure he gets admitted right away.

J.D.'s Narration: On the bright side it'll be interesting to see what it feels like to be a patient here.

Janitor: You know people die here?

J.D.: You're a good friend.

Janitor: Eh, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?

Theme Song

Carla: So did you talk to any girls last night?

Turk: Baby, I'm an attractive man we both know this. It's just a burden you'll have to live with.

Carla: One of many.

Turk: J.D. talked some girl up

Elliot: Really are you gonna call her?

Jennifer: Eh! Eck!

J.D.: Not right away.

Elliot: Alright, showtime. Clear out so I can check em out.

J.D.: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah. You're examining me? I don't want you to see my unmentionables.

Elliot: (laughs) I've seen underwear before.

J.D.: Actually I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.

Carla: Sixty-eight year old male with respiratory distress and tightness in-

Dr. Cox: Save your breath. Hello Dad.

Dr. Benson: Never thought you'd call me that again after I left.

Dr. Cox: (grunt)

Carla: Dr. Cox!

Dr. Cox: Relax Carla the man I'm smothering isn't really my father. Dr Benson used to be the chief of medicine here.

Dr. Benson: Oh hi how are ya?

Dr. Benson: Still have that great rapport with the nurses huh?

Dr. Cox: Actually Carla totally gets me. That's why I've been systematically trying to driver her away.

Dr. Benson: You ever see that therapist I recommended?

Dr. Cox: Not yet, no.

Elliot: Shortness of breath, dizziness, problems urinating?

J.D.: No, no, is it a problem if it whistles?

Elliot: Oh, you're making this so much easier! Are you sexually active?

J.D.: Oh it's active.

Elliot: I'll write, rare dry spell in the margin. Okay time for the physical

J.D.: Cold hands.

Elliot: Suck it up!

J.D's Narration: Elliot's exam was frighteningly reminiscent of when my older brother used to beat the crap out of me.

J.D.: Ow! (whimpering)

Elliot: See that wasn't so bad. All done.

J.D.: I'm still puking every hour and my fever's pretty high but you're sure it's okay for me to be out of bed right?

Dr. Cox: I don't know Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor, so don't do that annoying thing.

J.D.: What annoying thing?

Dr. Cox: You know when you talk.

J.D.: Come on that's a little-

Dr. Cox: See there it is. How does that not drive you crazy?

Dr. Cox: I know you're all excited because got the gown on but under no circumstance are you to curtsy.

J.D.'s Narration: He can say what he wants. The bottom line is he's showing me off.

J.D.'s Narration: Watching Dr. Cox I realized we never really stop craving the attention of people we look up to.

Dr. Cox: Any questions? Great.

J.D.: He seemed nice.

Dr. Cox: Careful newbie.

J.D.: You know I'm hearing it now it is kind of annoying when I talk.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess in a lot of relationships you regress to the person you were when you first met.

Turk: So Elliot's uh exam was that bad ay?

J.D.: Dude she violated me.

Turk: In a good way?!

Elliot: What's the deal?

Turk: Ah! I think I broke my ass!

Elliot: I heard you're telling everyone I violated you.

J.D.: Not everyone, just the people that work here. Oh and my parents.

Elliot: Was there something wrong with my exam?

J.D.'s Narration: So there it is a classic trap. Two choices, either wuss out or tell the truth.

J.D.: Well, you're kinda rough, yeah you're rough. And you're a little business like. Oh and you're cold.

Elliot: Mm hm you mean my hands?

J.D.: Yeah, those too. I just think you know you could be more comforting.

J.D.'s Narration: I could tell she appreciated how hard it was for me to say that.

Elliot: Do you know how annoying you are when you talk?

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe not.

J.D.: Hey I was watching that!

Janitor: It's broken.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?

Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there Bob, and at first I just threw it away. But then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture. So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

Dr. Kelso: Uh huh, so I've been looking at Dr. Benson's chart. His chest X Ray was normal, his vitals are stable. So let's discharge him.

Dr. Cox: Well now hold the phone there Skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go. I mean give me a break he was only the chief of medicine for ten years!

Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven't had my coffee yet so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say who gives a crap? Actually that wasn't half bad.

Dr. Kelso: Our next patient is a twenty-six year old male who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps, and fever.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess I never realized how hard rounds are on the patient. It feels like you're on display.

Dr. Kelso: Still Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder, why didn't he spend a little less time thinking and a little more time at the gym?

J.D.: I do cardio.

Dr. Kelso: Which most likely indicates what Dr. Reid?

Elliot: I'd say he has a simple case of appendicitis.

Dr. Kelso: And how would you proceed Dr. Dorian?

J.D.: Well, for starters I would've given me that news in private no matter how angry I was at me.

Dr. Kelso: Sounds like there's some fascinating back story here, turf him to surgery. Moving on.

Carla: You better watch it Bambi you don't want a hundred pound white girl mad at you. You'll flinch every time you hear a range rover.

J.D.: I can't believe I have to spend all Thanksgiving here. Tell me that wouldn't kill you.

Carla: Not really.

J.D.: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?

Carla: You mean Chicago?

J.D.: You have a Chicago? Be nice to me, I'm getting surgery.

Carla: Dr. Wen's the attending.

J.D.: Yeah but who's the intern who's gonna do all the work?

Turk: I get to cut you open. I get to cut you open. I get to cut you open. I get to cut you open. I get to cut you open. Uh ooh ooh. Go girl, uh uh go get it. Uh uh and go uh and down and down. Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh.

J.D.'s Narration: Oh good God

Elliot: So, Mr. Davis we won't be able to have you home for Thanksgiving. But you'll be eating leftovers by like Saturday.

Patient: Great, and Doctor thank you so much.

Elliot: You're welcome. Hey we've gotten to know each other over the last week haven't we?

Patient: I'd say so.

Elliot: And as a doctor you found me comforting.

Patient: God no.

Elliot: Come on I'm pretty good with people.

Patient: You're horrible with people.

Elliot: I'm warm.

Patient: You're very cold, I mean your hands it's like you're a yeti.

Elliot: I have bad circulation. I- I do this all day and it doesn't help.

Patient: Listen sweetie, you're a very efficient competent doctor but your exams- do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way.

Elliot: Well, I appreciate your opinion-.

Patient: Oh no it's not an opinion. You see those guys right there they're just pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them anymore.

Elliot: They are not.

Guy: Dude what are you doing?

Patient: Too frank right? I know that's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs. She is fat though… and boring.

Carla: BP 60 over palp. Is he having a heart attack?

Dr. Kelso: No it's hypotension and electrical alternans on the monitor. This is Tamponade. Viral infections can cause pericarditis and a rapid accumulation of fluid. It looks like a heart attack but don't let it fool you.

Carla: BP's stabilizing

Dr. Cox: What do we got?

Dr. Kelso: Don't worry we're fine here.

J.D.'s Narration: I think it's a universal feeling to wanna be there for a good friend. That's why from now on I'm gonna stop seeing Turk as my crazy frat brother.

Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk if you will.

Turk: Mark for the incision right about here.

J.D.'s: After all he's a highly trained competent young doctor.

Turk: Dude! I'm about to bust a mad slizzice in your insides!

J.D.: Sir I'd prefer it if someone other than Dr. Turk performed the surgery.

Dr. Wen: Fair enough. Dr. Kotter will perform the procedure tomorrow morning.

J.D.'s Narration: The best thing about good friends is how quickly things like this blow over.

J.D.: You understand right?

Turk: Whatever man.

J.D.: You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?

Turk: I can't believe you, I would never ever do something like this to you. You're like school in July.

J.D.: What do you mean like school in July?

Turk: No class.

Dr. Cox: You know, you're not supposed to scare me like that sir?

Dr. Benson: Oh it was just a prank. Admittedly I took it too far.

Dr. Cox: Well, I still laughed but like I said I feel a little guilty that I wasn't here administering-

Dr. Kelso: Hi-ho I just came to check on my favorite patient. I must have the wrong room. (laughs) How are ya Dave?

Dr. Benson: I'm doin great Bob. I owe you one.

Dr. Cox: Hey Doc, you should go ahead and get some rest.

Dr. Benson: I'll be out of your hair soon enough.

Dr. Kelso: Just a sec Skipper you'll stay here until you decide you're ready to leave. For God's sake you were the chief of medicine here for over ten years. Am I right?

Dr. Cox: That was just exactly what I said this morning.

Dr. Kelso: Yeah it sounded familiar.

Dr. Cox: Huh?

Dr. Kelso: What?

Dr. Cox: I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show.

Dr. Kelso: I wonder what bothers you the most? Is it that I saved his life? That he likes me as a person. I bet it's how much he respects me as a doctor. How does that taste? Bitter? Hard to get down?

Carla: Here you go.

Elliot: Great. Carla everyone likes you so much it makes me wonder-

Carla: Why all your patients think you're a cold fish?

Elliot: Oh my God you noticed?

Carla: No honey they told me.

Elliot: Great, anyone needs me I'll be in the supply closet eating sugar packets.

Carla: Look Elliot, I'm not the kind of person who likes telling people what to do but

Carla to J.D.: Here's what you should do.

Carla to Turk: Here's what I think.

Carla to Dr. Cox: Here's what your problem is.

Carla to Elliot: You have to stop thinking of your patients as strangers.

Carla to J.D.: I'm dating Turk I get it, sometimes he is a big kid. But you have to realize when it comes to work he's as capable and mature as anyone.

Carla to Turk: Take those out.

Turk: Baby, I was bein a walrus

Carla to Turk: You have to realize that J.D.'s not only your friend but he's a patient too and he's scared.

Carla to Dr. Cox: Kelso is just pushing your buttons every now and then you gotta to let something go.

J.D.: Turk's not that mature he spent all yesterday being a walrus. He had straws and stuff. (laughing)

Turk: The only thing J.D.'s scared of is sharks and he has this weird thing with pennies, but that's it. He's not not scared about this.

Dr. Cox: Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons Carla. He's a pod person.

J.D.: You're wrong.

Turk: You're so wrong.

Dr. Cox: Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong.

Elliot: I think you're right. I just don't know how to connect with patients.

Carla: You can start by touching them. You know holding their hand or stroking their hair or giving them a reassuring pat on the arm-

Elliot: What are you doing?

Carla: Nothing. You're gonna be great.

Elliot: Damn right!

Elliot: Their, you're all set.

Patient: ungh!

Elliot: Ooh I'm so sorry! I didn't- I didn't

Patient: Ah!

Elliot: Oh I'm sorry. No, it's my watch let me get it.

Patient: Ah!

Elliot: Hi! Oh! I'm- I'm so sorry! Ooh let me. Ooh.

Dr. Kelso: See Dave at Sacred Heart we don't treat symptoms, we treat people.

Dr. Benson: Hey there's something on your back.

Dr. Kelso: What does this one say?

Dr. Benson: "Never stop kicking me" and on the other side is my discharge form. Uh Bob you tried to discharge me an hour before I almost died?

Dr. Kelso: Well- How very clever.

Dr. Cox: What? It wasn't me. In fact I think you put it there yourself to get more attention.

Dr. Cox: (whispering) It was me, I put it there. (laughing)

Turk: Hey buddy. Okay, forget about everything that's going on. We know that you're bummed out about missing Thanksgiving. So we decided to bring it to you.

J.D.: Wow guys thanks. Where's the food?

Janitor: Who wants the unmentionables?

J.D.'s: (screams)

Carla: Bambi your fever's spiking. They're worried that your appendix might burst. So we're going into surgery now.

J.D.: Who's on call tonight?

Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk let's get started.

J.D.'s Narration: Most doctors don't believe in the whole out of body experience thing. And I don't know if it was real or a dream but I swear I was up there watching Turk operate on me and I have to say, he's an amazing surgeon.

Turk: Dude, could you not look over my shoulder while I'm doin this. It's a little unnerving.

Elliot: Oh, you've got a little fever it's probably just atelectasis from laying in bed.

Patient: I'm really uncomfortable.

Elliot: I'm so sorry

Patient: You're not gonna hug me are you?

Elliot: Yeah believe me, I'm done with all that.

Patient: If it'll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy feely culture anyway.

Elliot: Thank you!

Patient: And that whole kiss hello thing.

Elliot: Ugh

Patient: Ew.

Elliot: Yeah I don't want anyone touching me unless we're gonna have sex and even then I don't want them to overdo it.

Patient: So where in Connecticut are you from?

Elliot: Greenwich, you?

Patient: Darien. I am really burning up here.

Patient: Oh God that's fantastic. It's like an ice pack.

Elliot: Yeah… I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Are you at least close with your dad?

Patient: See this right here? That's his work. Pretty good for a man in a wheelchair huh?

Dr. Cox: Hey Doc I'm awful sorry you gotta be here on Thanksgiving night.

Dr. Benson: Oh my wife can't cook anyway, she's 22. What are you doing?

Dr. Cox: Forget about me what's your wife look like you don't have any pictures do ya?

Dr. Benson: Not of this one.

Dr. Cox: (laughs)

Dr. Benson: You know being back at this place

Dr. Cox: Well I think I can guess.

Dr. Benson: You.

Dr. Cox: Oh. I-

Dr. Benson: Yeah probably because you do things like show up the chief of medicine. When anybody who's been in a room with Bob Kelso for more than two minutes knows how big an ass he is.

Dr. Cox: Hey go easy, I just thought-

Dr. Benson: You don't think Perry, you're such a talented doctor. If you would play the game even a little you'd be in a position where you could change things around here. But you're too stubborn for that aren't ya?

Dr. Benson: Alright kid. Gin, your deal.

Turk: Hey, I just need to check on your incision.

J.D.: Turk I was an idiot

Turk: It's okay man.

J.D.: No seriously man, I want you to know if I ever need surgery again I want you inside of me.

Turk: I wanna be the one inside you.

Turk: Look J.D. I get it. I mean to me you'll always be that geeky kid with the Pat Benatar T-Shirt on.

J.D.: Dude she rocks.

Turk: I just want you to know how serious I am about what I do.

J.D. Did you stitch your initials in to me?!

Turk: That's not important. You know it's still Thanksgiving for like 20 more minutes.

Turk: Now you can have ginger ale and a cracker.

J.D.: Ooh!

Turk: Oh and I forgot, you're change… two pennies.

J.D.: Get those pennies away from me!

Turk: Happy Thanksgiving man.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law, or that cousin you have funny feelings for,. and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.

J.D. Dr. Cox! If you want you can come down here and hang out with-

Dr. Cox: Nobody talk, just drink.

J.D.'s Narration: Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol… just like Thanksgiving at home.

Dr. Cox: Drink!

J.D.: Their was the Nina…

Dr. Cox: Shut up!