5x22-Bob Kelso

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu".

Scene 1

Open: Hospital Exterior. Turk and J.D. enter the hospital.

J.D.'s Narration: Today started off on a high note. Ernie, the homeless guy, shattered the record for the most blood donations within a month.

(Ernie enters, holding a fistful cash and a cup of juice.)

Ernie: Whoo!

Turk; Congratulations, Ernie. Nineteen pints.

(Ernie passes out.)

J.D.: He probably needs a little more juice.

(Turk and J.D. bend down to pick him up. Cut to Admissions Area. J.D. and an orderly drop Ernie into a wheelchair.)

J.D.'s Narration: Even though we had to take Ernie back upstairs, probably to get some of his own blood back, I couldn't help but smile. Today, Dr. Cox is coming back to work after the accidental death of three of his patients.

(Dr. Cox enters.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, there he is. Just play it cool.

Dr. Cox: What is the latest on Mrs. Riley in 403?

J.D.: Ah, Mrs. Riley was admitted with shortness of breath, and then she developed a, uh...

J.D.'s Thoughts: Stay cool, stay cool. Ah, screw it.

(J.D. hugs Dr. Cox.)

J.D.: You sent those demons right back to hell, didn't you? Straight to hell.

(Dr. Cox breaks the hug.)

Dr. Cox: OK, here's a bud clearly in need of nipping. Newbie, there are some things that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them. A cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk and you actually managing to walk past a breakfast cart without referring to cream cheese as cow fudge.

J.D.: I like to play with words.

Dr. Cox: However, out of all the things there are to make a big deal out of, can my return to this hellhole please, please, PLEASE not be one of them?

(J.D. and Dr. Cox walk towards to the cafeteria. Before they enter, J.D. blocks the door.)

J.D.: Ahh! Sure thing, Perry, but uh, there is one problem.

(J.D. unzips his jacket to reveal a t-shirt with a picture of Dr. Cox with an afro above the words "Welcome back Coxer". J.D pushes the door to the cafeteria open. Everyone is there, wearing the same shirt.)

Everyone: [singing] Welcome back, your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about.

(Upon seeing Dr. Cox's angry face, they all stop, except for J.D.)

J.D.: [singing] Well the names have all changed since you hung around. But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Carla: J.D.!

J.D.: What? That's when the background, [singing] Who'd thought they'd lead you? Who'd have thought they'd lead you-u-u. [normally] That's a run I was gonna do, but now it's awkward.

Dr. Cox: That's unbelievable.

(Cut to parking lot. J.D. is putting on his scooter helmet.)

J.D.'s Narration: Since Dr. Cox was back, I decided to knock out all my errands extra quick. And what better way to get started than with my new 18-wheeler scooter horn?

(J.D. rides through the parking lot and blasts a truck horn. People scatter.)

J.D.: Ha ha ha.

(Cut to a street. J.D. is riding through.)

J.D.'s Narration: First I grabbed a quick lunch...

(J.D. grabs an apple off an apple tree. Cut to a busy intersection.)

J.D's Narration: ...Then I returned some emails...

(J.D. runs a red light and narrowly avoids getting run over by two trucks while he is texting on his phone.)

J.D.'s Narration: ...Finally, a quick shortcut through the mall parking lot, which meant dealing with the skate brats and their ring o' fire.

(J.D. rides his scooter up a ramp through a burning hoop. He stops, dismounts and cheers, before noticing his scooter is on fire.)

J.D.: Whoo hoo! Top that, dudes! Sasha! Nooo!

(The skaters scoff at first, then get excited as they now have another burning obstacle to jump. One by one, they ride over the ramp, through the hoop and over J.D.'s scooter.)


Scene 2

Open: Hospital parking lot. J.D. enters, on a bicycle.

J.D.'s Narration: With Sasha back in the scooter shop, I decided to buy a bike and get some exercise. I can't remember what happened to my old bike.

(Cut to J.D., locking his bike. Dr. Cox hits him on the helmet.)

J.D.: Ow.

Dr. Cox: Nice helmet.

J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet. It's a hairmet. See, it's got extra room built into it so you don't mess up your hairdo.

(J.D. takes off the hairmet.)

Dr. Cox: I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.

J.D's Thoughts: That's weird. Felt like that had happened before.

(Cut to hallway. J.D. walks through.)

J.D.'s Narration: I guess when you work at a hospital for five years, situations are bound to repeat themselves.

Nurse Martinez: You know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.

Todd: In your endo.

Intern: Dr. Kelso, it's so cold in Pediatrics the kids are wearing mittens.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ? What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how you doing?

J.D.: That's what déjà vu is. Feeling like you've lived the same moments a thousand times.

(J.D. enters a nurses station.)

J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's Turk's tepid response to the annoying baby stuff Carla makes him do...

Carla: Friday we have to meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment.

Turk: Oh, I can't wait!

J.D.'s Narration: ...or Dr. Cox giving Elliot a hard time...

Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper's a doctor? Hmm?

(J.D. enters the Admissions Area.)

J.D.'s Narration: ...or the Janitor, having menace in his eyes.

Laverne: That looks like trouble.

Janitor: Hey, come here a sec, we want to do stuff to you.

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, just distract them before they do whatever they've got planned.

Janitor: We were thinking.

J.D.: I got a riddle for you.

Troy: This isn't how you said it would go.

Janitor: Troy. We're listening.

J.D.: Two coins add up to 30 cents and one of them is not a nickel.

Janitor: I feel like I've heard this before. What are they?

J.D.: It's a riddle. You figure it out.

(J.D. exits.)

Janitor: Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.

(Cut to ICU.)

Elliot: Look who's back, Mrs. Goldstein. This is Dr. Cox.

Mrs. Goldstein: How was Acapulco?

Elliot: [whispering] We told everyone you were in Acapulco.

Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco, Mrs. Goldstein. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that m victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance. Then, I realized that that tactic would never work as I'd be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is a lot like Acapulco, only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.

(Dr. Cox exits, followed by Elliot.)

Elliot: Ahem.

Dr. Cox: Ah, now is there a reason you're still near me?

Elliot: Well, we covered Mrs. Goldstein while you were gone, but now you're back so she's your patient again. Her BP's been dropping so it might be time to push thrombolitics.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, but -- yeah, but she could bleed out.

Elliot: Well, I suppose you could wait and see how she does.

Dr. Cox: Well, then she could decompensate.

Elliot: Well, those are the two options, so what are you gonna do?

Dr. Cox: [pause] I'll be right back.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

Elliot: Did you guys just see that? Dr. Cox had to make a decision and he completely froze.

Carla: He's probably just thinking it over, Elliot.

Elliot: He never used to think things over, he would just make gut calls right away.

Dr. Kelso: Listen, Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversize ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bear-assed on the hospital's copier machine. Know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old Navy buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Again with the déjà vu.

Dr. Kelso: It's because your little theory is way off.

Elliot: OK, if you don't want to be there for him, that's your decision. But I'm going to be.

(Cut to hallway. Turk is carrying a basketball, which J.D. steals.)

J.D.: J.D. robs the ball! Black guy, open!

(J.D. throws the ball. A pop and hiss are heard. Cut to Leonard, with a deflated basketball on his hook.)

Leonard: No ball in the hall.

Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Sorry, Leonard.

(Leonard exits.)

Turk: You know, I wouldn't be as mad if this was the first time that happened.

J.D.: Relax, they come three to a can. Why are you playing basketball anyway? I thought you had to have lunch with Carla.

Turk: Nah, she's taking a pregnancy nap, so I get to do whatever I want.

J.D.: Oh.

Turk: I'm telling you, J.D., Carla being pregnant is awesome for me.

(Flashback. Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk and Carla are watching TV.)

Turk's Voiceover: I get to watch whatever I want while she reads her pregnancy book.

(Cut to kitchen. Turk holds up two burritos.)

Turk's Voiceover: I get to eat all the good food.

Carla: Ugh.

(Turk quickly makes the two burritos into one. Cut to mall parking lot.)

Turk's Voiceover: And of course, ring o' fire.

(Turk jumps through the burning hoop as the skaters cheer.)

Turk: Ring of fire!

Turk's Voiceover: Bottom line, pregnancy's awesome.

(End flashback. Turk and J.D. walk past Janitor and Troy, who have a pile of coins in front of them, and exit.)

Janitor: OK, two coins equals 30 cents, no nickels. I swear we've done this before. Come on, man, you went to Yale for God's sake.

Troy: Relax, I figured it out.

Janitor: A penny, and button that you wrote "29 cents" on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?

Troy: Can't we just kill him?

Janitor: How's therapy going?

(Cut to ICU.)

Elliot: Dr. Cox? Do you have a second?

Dr. Cox: Of course.

Elliot: I was just wondering...

Dr. Cox: [interrupting] You're done.

Elliot: What?

Dr. Cox: You asked for a second and I gave you a second. I think you'll find I'm being quite literal here at work today. You can ask anyone. Lonnie! What happened earlier when you said "Gimme a break?"

Lonnie: You broke my sunglasses in half.

Dr. Cox: Had to be done. The man look preposterous in aviators.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, you still haven't made a decision about how to treat your patient, Mrs. Goldstein.

Dr. Cox: Oh, thanks for the reminder, Barboo, what would I do without you?

Elliot: Joke if you want to, but eventually you're going to have to make a decision. Mrs. Goldstein's life depends on it.

Dr. Cox: But what if I'm wrong?

(Cut to the bar.)

J.D.: All right, she'll have a ginger ale, he'll have a beer and I'll have an appletini. You know what? Hell, I'll have a real drink. Make it a nectarini.

Bartender: I don't know what that is.

J.D.: Oh, come on, Devin. You know, make it. Hey guys, make sure I don't have two many of those nectarinis because I gotta drive my bicycle home.

Turk: Dude, don't even worry about it. Carla can't drink. She'll drive you home. Right, baby?

Carla: Sure.

J.D.: Sweet.

Turk: Better idea. Why don't you just come over to our place? She's going straight to bed. We can stay up late and watch Judge Dredd.

Turk & J.D.: [in unison] 99th viewing!

Bartender: OK, ice cold beer, a nectarini and ginger ale.

Turk: There's nothing better in this world than the first sip of an ice cold beer after a long day.

J.D.: Ditto for a 'tini.

Turk: It really takes the edge off, you know?

Carla: That's it. No beer for you. It's not fair. I'm sitting here all pregnant, you two yahoos are having the time of your lives. From now on, anything I can't do, you can't do.

J.D.: Carla, that's ridiculous!

Carla: Not you.

J.D.: Oh. Fair is fair, Turk. Incidentally, dynamite nectarini. That man knows his way around nectar.

(Turk furtively reaches for his beer. Carla slaps his hand away. Cut to ICU.)

Dr. Cox: You know, I used to just look in my gut and know what to do. Now I got all this self-doubt. Barbie, you got massive amounts of doubt, romantically, professionally, personally. How do you deal with it?

Elliot: Treadmill. Crank the incline up to 15, just run through the tears. Look, Dr. Cox, I know that you're scared, but believe me, your gut is still there. You just have to have the courage to listen to it again.

Dr. Cox: You really think so?

Elliot: I know so.

Dr. Cox: Push thrombolitics. Thank you, Barbie.

Elliot: I'm just glad that you let me help.

J.D.'s Narration: There's no better feeling than helping someone out.

Elliot: Laverne, Dr. Cox made a decision about Mrs. Goldstein. He wants to push thrombolitics.

Laverne: Yeah, I know. He told me that three hours ago.

Elliot: What?

(Dr. Cox pretends to hold back laughter.)

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe that's why it hurts so much more when you end up looking like a fool.

(Elliot exits.)

Scene 3

Open: ICU.

Turk: This is why the headache didn't go away. It's actually pronounced AN-algesic, not A-nalgesic, all right? The pills go in your mouth.

J.D.: Elliot, do you ever get déjà vu around here?

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: Ah, Barbie, there you are. Thank God.

Elliot: Unfortunately, yes.

Dr. Cox: As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes. On Oprah, there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder. But on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft. Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan. I'm just a little lost here.

J.D.: FYI, that new loft is Lohan-tastic. It's vintage Lindsay.

Dr. Cox: Oh.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, when you walked away from Mrs. Goldstein, anyone could have thought you were in trouble.

Dr. Cox: I had to go to the bathroom, Barbie. [whistles] People! From now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr. Reid. It is a pet peeve of hers.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

Turk: Ha ha! [imitating Dr. Cox] As it is a pet peeve...Ha ha!

Elliot: Oh, really? You think that's funny?

Turk: A little bit.

(Carla enters.)

Elliot: Carla, Turk's drinking coffee.

Carla: No! If your pregnant wife can't have coffee, then you can't.

(Carla takes Turk's coffee and gives it to J.D.)

J.D.: Ooh. Please have some sort of nut.

(J.D. sniffs the coffee.)

J.D.: Hazel.

(Dr. Kelso enters.)

Dr. Kelso: Careful, Turkleton, first it's no coffee, then she's going to want you in the delivery room holding her hands while she pushes that little bugger out.

Carla: My man will be there when his baby is born.

Dr. Kelso: Of course he will, it's a different generation.

(Carla exits.)

Dr. Kelso: Know this. 90% of all childbirths are accompanied by an accidental dookie.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

J.D.: Dude, I'd be a mess if I had to give up my joe. I have a full-blown addiction. Hopefully that won't come back to haunt me.

(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. J.D. is an older man, digging under a bed. He finds an espresso machine.)

J.D.: Where did you get this? Who taught you how to use this thing?

J.D.'s Son: You, all right? I learned fro watching you!

(J.D.'s son exits.)

J.D.: [to himself] Dammit, Billy. At least he's using good beans.

(End fantasy.)

J.D.: Guess I'm gonna look like a porn star when I'm older.

(Janitor and Troy enter.)

Janitor: Hey, we solved your stupid game.

Troy: Yeah, we been to the libary.

Janitor: -brary, Troy. Library. Anyway, two coins that add up to 30 cents and one of them is not a nickel. A penny, and a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly 29 cents.

J.D.: OK, no, uh, the correct answer is a quarter and nickel.

Janitor: Uh, no, because you said one of them isn't a nickel.

J.D.: Right. The other one is.

Janitor: You lied to me.

J.D. It's a riddle.

(J.D. exits.)

Troy: Oh, your face is red like a strawbrerry.

Janitor: Don't have kids.

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Patient: Excuse me, Dr. Reid? I just wanted to let you know, I'm going to pee.

(Patient exits. Dr. Cox does a dance, then exits.)

Elliot: What a jackass.

J.D.: I hate it that you two aren't getting along. I'd get you two together to talk it out, but you're so stubborn. I'd never be able to do it on my own. Well, there is one way.

Elliot: J.D., I don't want to hear about floating head doctor.

Turk: Elliot, save it. He's gone.

(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Hallway.)

Dr. Cox: Fine, fine, fine, I'll apologize to to Elliot. I just don't know how you're going to get her to talk to me.

J.D.'s Head: Oh, don't you worry about that. Body? Get her!

(J.D.'s body, which has been pouring coffee onto the counter top, turns and picks up Elliot.)

Elliot: Hey! Put me down! I'm talking to a patient here! What are you doing?! Oh!

(J.D.'s body runs blindly down the hall, running Elliot repeatedly into walls and doors before reaching Dr. Cox and J.D.'s head. Dr. Cox checks Elliot's pulse.)

Dr. Cox: Well, she's dead.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

J.D.'s Head: Stupid, stupid body!

(J.D.'s body drops Elliot and raises it's fist and swipes at J.D.'s Head.)

J.D.'s Head: Oh, you want some of this? Too slow! Aw, a little late! Oh, nice try.

(J.D.'s body finally lands a slap on J.D.'s Head, which spins around and falls to the floor. End fantasy.)

Elliot: J.D., don't worry about it, I'll handle it.

(Elliot exits.)

J.D.: [sighs]

Turk: Head fight Body again?

J.D.: Those two just can't get along. I don't get it.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk is riding a stationary bicycle.)

Carla: Turk, what are you doing? You can't ride the bike.

Turk: Why not?

Carla: Because it puts too much pressure on my cervix.

Turk: Baby, I don't have a damn cervix. And how else am I supposed to exercise?

Carla: You can do everything that I do. You can have have yogurt, you can listen to classical music, you can gently rub my belly...

Turk: You know what? That's it.

Carla: What's it? What do you think you're doing?

(Turk gets a beer from the refrigerator.)

Carla: You better not open that. You better not op--

(Turk opens the beer.)

Carla: OK, but you better not drink it.

(Turk takes a long sip.)

Carla: Fine. But you better not enjoy it.

Turk: Ahh!

(Carla slaps the beer out of his hand.)

Turk: Did you just bitch slap my beer?

Carla: Are you calling me a bitch?

Turk: [pause] Yes. Yes, I am.

(Carla winces and holds her stomach.)

Turk: Baby, you OK?

Carla: I feel funny.

(Cut to doctor's lounge. Dr. Cox is watching TV. Elliot enters.)

Elliot: You know, I've been thinking about it, and only you could go through all that stuff you did and come out the other side the same, mean-spirited jerk.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, please? They're about to show Lindsay's breakfast nook.

Elliot: In fact, in the five years that I've been here, you're the only person who hasn't changed one bit.

Dr. Cox: Well, that's not entirely true. Since the arrival of my son I like to think I've become more patient, plus, and I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, I've learned that not all of Newbie's ideas are completely ridiculous.

(Dr. Cox opens his lab coat to show off a "Welcome Back Coxer" shirt.)

Dr. Cox: Do you love it as much as I do?

Elliot: Well, with me, you've never been anything but an unsupportive bastard and you know it.

(Cut to exam room.)

Carla: You have it on your chart that he called me a bitch because he wanted more alcohol, right?

Dr. Matthews: I don't really have a section for that.

Carla: Well, put it under family history. It's part of ours now.

Dr. Matthews: Look, all you have is a little round ligament pain. It's very common. I'll meet you outside.

Turk: Babe, I'm sorry.

Carla: Hmm. You know what? This was actually kind of nice.

Turk: How is this nice?

Carla: You being here with me, all concerned. Look, it just feels like ever since I got pregnant everything's changing for me, but nothing is changing for you. So, yes, you can drink. Just maybe not do it front of me? And sometimes when I'm reading my pregnancy book, maybe you can ask me about it? And occasionally, on a Friday night, when I'm too tired to go out, maybe you can stay in and get fat with me.

Turk: I can get fat?

Carla: The bigger you get, the tinier I'll look.

Turk: Ohhh.

Carla: Come on, come on.

(They kiss. Cut to ICU.)

Dr. Cox: How's Mrs. Goldstein doing?

Elliot: Fine.

Dr. Cox: OK, lookit. How about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table. You know that you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump and I say that knowing full well that you feel the same way about me.

Elliot: I started an "I hate Cox" chatroom. Hasn't really worked out the way I'd planned. It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

Dr. Cox: How about we just agree that we're never going to be that close?

Elliot: We could, except for one thing. I know that we have our issues, but I've always respected you and you haven't given me more than an ounce of it since I started here.

Dr. Cox: I didn't go in that bathroom to take a leak. I went in there because I was petrified that I was going to make the wrong decision with Mrs. Goldstein. I didn't want anybody to know because it so very important to me that people see me the way they used to. Bulletproof. And hopefully, admitting this to you will make you feel respected.

Elliot: It does. Thanks.

Dr. Cox: You're welcome.

(Cut to hallway. J.D. passes through.)

J.D.'s Narration: It's understandable why I've been feeling so much déjà vu. After five years at this place, it's hard not to feel like you're repeating the same moments week after week.

Todd: Hey, I gotta run. They're doing a breast reduction up on three, and I want to stop it. You know what I'm talking about.

Dr. Kelso: Son, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?

J.D.'s Narration: So I guess all you can do is try to notice the subtle differences within those moments. Whether it's Turk's response to the baby stuff Carla makes him do...

Carla: Friday we have to meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment.

Turk: Can't wait.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or it not bothering Elliot as much when Dr. Cox gives her a hard time.

Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Julius Erving is a doctor?

Elliot: Ha!

(Cut to hospital exterior. J.D. exits the hospital.)

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, some things are gonna repeat themselves in the exact same way.

J.D.: What the hell?

(Janitor and Troy are standing beside J.D.'s smashed bike.)

Janitor: It's a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasn't me.

J.D.: Oh, that's what happened to my old bike. Ha! See you, fellas.

(J.D. walks past them. Troy starts after J.D. with the crowbar.)

Janitor: See you tomorrow. Troy! This one's over.



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