3x12 JD Casey on gurney

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Catalyst".


HOSPITAL HALL J.D. is walking through, the camera showing his perspective as he passes various staffers.

J.D.'s Narration: Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.

Female Staffer: You look like you could use some help.

J.D.: Nope.

J.D.'s Narration: Even random people.

Male Staffer: You need help, Dr. Dorian?

J.D.: No thanks, Dr...whatever your name is.

J.D.'s Narration: They won't leave me alone.

Doctor: Free help, here.

J.D.: Piss off, Mickhead.

J.D.'s Narration: You'd think by now they'd know where I'm gonna end up.

He enters... I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Cox is there, with Nurse Roberts behind the desk, and we're put back to audience perspective.

J.D.: Dr. Cox? I could use a little help.

Dr. Cox: Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is.

He gestures at J.D.'s hair.

J.D.: Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem, best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know -- it's new wax.

Nurse Roberts: What is?

J.D.: It's okay to want a piece!

Dr. Cox yawns. J.D. presents a chart to him.

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.

Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.

J.D.: Got it. ...You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?

Dr. Cox: Noo.... I'm a good doctor.

J.D.: Oh.

Dr. Cox: [handing the chart back] Here you go.

Meanwhile... O.R. Dr. Wen watches over Turk's shoulder as he intently views the monitor displaying his surgical work.

Turk: [doing either a German or Russian accent...or Hannibal Lector...] Oh, hello, Mr. Gallbladder. Don't you get too comfy next to Mr. Liver. Because here comes Dr. Turk's robot laser. [makes laser sounds]

Dr. Wen: Hey, Christopher. I could do without the color commentary.

Turk: Why it gotta be a "color commentary"? 'Cause I'm doing it? Just kiddin'.

Cut to... HALL Dr. Wen, Turk, and Todd are exiting the scrub room after the surgery.

Dr. Wen: That was a near-perfect laparoscopic cholecystectomy!

Turk shrugs modestly.

Dr. Wen: Have you been working on your dexterity?

Turk: Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box....

Todd: I'd like to play John Madden Football...on _her_ x-box.

Turk: On who, Todd? There are no women here.

Todd: Well, it's still funny!

Dr. Wen: The Todd here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch [pats Turk's shoulder] has been passed.

Turk: Thank you, sir!

He spots J.D. down the hall.

Turk: Dude! Yo, wait till you hear this!

He runs to catch up with J.D.

Turk: Dr. Wen just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!

Todd frowns and sighs.

Dr. Wen: Disappointed?

Todd: I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "x-box" joke, you know?

Dr. Wen gives him a look and leaves.

Todd: [to self] He knows....


FIRST FLOOR HALL J.D. and Turk are walking through.

J.D.'s Narration: I was excited for Turk. And, God bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!

Turk: New wax did that?

J.D.: I couldn't believe it either!

Around the corner come Carla and Elliot, involved in their own conversation.

Carla: New wax did that?

Elliot: I couldn't believe it either!

Carla: Oh.

Finally the four meet.

Carla: Ye--oh, sorry about the girl talk.

J.D.: Oh, that's fine. We were talking man know....

Turk: Really big trucks...

J.D.: Solo-Flex...

Turk: [flexing muscles] Have you seen these lately?

J.D.: Sweat.

Carla: [sniffing J.D.] Your hair smells like Elliot's.

J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas!

He and Turk go off.

Carla: [to Elliot] Is that racist?

Elliot: That depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?

Carla: Maybe....

They follow after J.D. and Turk.

Continue to... ADMISSIONS Several of the staff are gathered around.

J.D.'s Narration: I think what Carla really smelled was all the excitement in the air. See, there's a visiting professor coming today who's both a medical attending and a surgeon. _Two_ specialties, and to us that kinda makes him...

Heraldic music plays as the doc, Dr. Kevin Casey (as we'll soon be reminded over and over), enters the front doors, hands on hips in a heroic pose.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Super-Doc!

Dr. Casey mutters under his breath as he goes over a thought, turns and walks back out.

The music plays again, and he re-enters, striking the same pose.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Super-Doc...

Dr. Casey: [under breath] Dammit!

He turns and again leaves.

One more time, music, enter, pose, but no dramatic narration from J.D.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Fine. A super-doc with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Dr. Casey: Okay, okay. How hard can it be for me to step in here, left foot first and simultaneously exhale as my right foot plants? How hard?

Turk: Not that hard?

Dr. Casey: Exactly! ...Shaved-head guy. [sniffs] Whose hair smells like lilacs?

Carla: [pointing at Elliot] Hers.

Elliot grins.

Carla: [pointing at J.D.] And his.

J.D.: Huh?

Dr. Casey: [to Elliot] That's very pretty. [to J.D.] And deeply disturbing.

J.D.: [to Turk] The jar said unisex.

Turk: I know.

J.D.: _Unisex_.

Turk: I know.

J.D.: [under breath] Dammit!



ADMISSIONS Carla stands by as Dr. Casey fills out some forms. J.D. is in the background watching.

Dr. Casey: [as he writes] Dr. Kevin Casey.... Dr. Kevin Casey.... You know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people -- you just have to bring your own...knifey thingie....

Carla: "Scalpel".

Dr. Casey: That's the word! [writing again] Dr. Kevin Casey....

Carla: Why do you keep saying your name?

Dr. Casey: Oh, it just keeps me from losing my, uh...jinkies later, thinking I forgot something.

Carla: [laughing graciously] Okay....

She starts to take the forms away, but he steals the chance to sign a few more times.

Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey.... Dr. Kevin Casey.

She giggles again and goes off. J.D. approaches.

Dr. Casey: It's okay, you can say it.

J.D.: [whispering] It's just that you''re a doctor with pretty severe OCD.

Dr. Casey: It's not a secret.

J.D.: [still whispering] I know. I always talk like this.

Dr. Casey: You're gonna have a hard time keeping that up the whole month I'm here.

J.D.: [still whispering] I can do it!

Dr. Casey: [whispering] I believe in you!

Dr. Cox arrives.

Dr. Cox: Kevin Casey? Holy cow, get outta Dodge! Te-tell me this, are you--are ya shaking hands nowadays?

Dr. Casey: [steeling himself] Well, a lifetime of therapy...and a...whole lotta Zoloft...just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy!

He holds out his hand, and Dr. Cox grasps it.

Dr. Cox: Atta boy!

Dr. Casey: I do have a two-second limit.

Dr. Cox: Boy, who doesn't!

They pull their hands away and each wipe their palms on their clothing.

Dr. Cox: You realize I haven't laid eyes on you since we were residents together? And I'll tell you this, big Kev-o, I always knew I'd see ya again.

He laughs.

Cut to... HALL -- A BIT LATER J.D. and Dr. Cox are walking through.

Dr. Cox: Boy, I never thought I'd see that guy again! I mean, he had to drop out of our residency class because of the God-awful severity of his condition!

J.D.: I can't imagine you as a resident.


A younger, bleach-blond, hoop-earring'd Cox approaches some of his fellow residents.

Resident: Hey, Coxy!

Dr. Cox: Shut up, jackass! [combing hair] I rock!

J.D.: Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?

Dr. Cox: What?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Loved pirates! Just like me!

They approach... I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Nurse Roberts is behind the desk.

Nurse Roberts: I _don't_ want a piece.

J.D.: Well you're the only one. Okay? Dr. Cox, I'm'unna take you out for a beer tonight. I want to hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie.

Dr. Cox: Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.

J.D.: [reluctantly obliging] Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.

Dr. Cox: [pumping fists] YES!


ROOF Ted the Lawyer stands nearby, hands clutched over his ears, as Dr. Kelso blows an air horn and screams "Hyah! Hyah!" towards the parking lot below. A flock of birds scatters.

Dr. Kelso: That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.

Ted the Lawyer: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage to jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.

Dr. Kelso: Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening. Oh, by the way, the Italian gentlemen that haul our medical waste away called, and said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads, they're gonna charge us double.

The Janitor and the karate midget from "My Rule of Thumb", now dressed in a custodian's uniform, arrive on the roof.

Janitor: My new associate Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you.

Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you two doing here?

Janitor: We come up here on our breaks to wrestle.

Randall: And drink beer.

Janitor: Only the winner drinks beer.

Randall belches.

Dr. Kelso: How much to make the garbage go away?

Janitor: Say...twenty bucks a month?

Randall slaps him in the knee.

Janitor: Twenty-three bucks a month?

Dr. Kelso: Deal!

During this negotiation, Ted took the opportunity to brush some birdseed off the ledge of the building down to the parking lot below.

Ted the Lawyer: Sir, those darn birds are back.

He puts his hands over his ears again as Dr. Kelso runs back toward the ledge, screaming and blowing his horn.


PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Casey and J.D. are at the bed of the patient.

Dr. Casey: [signing the chart] Dr. Kevin Casey....

J.D.'s Narration: I have to say it was amazing watching Dr. Casey work.

Dr. Casey: All right, Carol, let's just put it out there -- [wipes a spot off the window] -- you've got Lupus. But instead of dwelling on the negative, let's look at the positive signs, okay? Your, uh, pericarditis is resolving, your renal function is good--

Suddenly there's the sound of Dr. Kelso's air horn, and a disoriented bird crashes into the window, spooking J.D., who shrieks and drops to the ground. Dr. Casey is unfazed.

Dr. Cox: --Suicidal scavenger birds also an excellent sign, right Doctor?

J.D.: It's a great sign.

Dr. Casey: Okie-dokie, artichokie.

He leaves.

Continue to... NURSES' STATION Dr. Casey drops his clipboard onto the desk. J.D. catches up with him.

J.D.: You are unflappable!

Dr. Casey: It's true -- I can't be flapped.

J.D.: I'm more skittish.

Dr. Casey: Yeah, you know, you're like a big squirrel.

J.D.: I wish a was a swashbuckling doctor. You a pirate.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Enough about pirates! Wait until you know him better.

A couple of orderlies wheel an empty gurney through.

Dr. Casey: [stopping them] Ahoy, there.

He hops on the gurney, and J.D. follows suit. The orderlies push them down the hall.

J.D.: You going to the, uh... O.Arrr? Heh.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I said enough!

Dr. Casey: You know, I couldn't have survived in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD. And since I was compulsive anyway, you know, I--I read the same text books over and over, I, uh, I went through the procedures over and over, I imagined every worst-case scenario over and over and over and over and over and over and over--

J.D.: Dr. Casey.

Dr. Casey: --and over and over and over--

J.D.: Dr. Casey!

Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey.

J.D.: Oh.

Dr. Casey: Thank you.

J.D.: Yeah.

Dr. Casey: Even though my crazy brain made me do those things, it's still the best advice I can give to any young doctor: Expect the unexpected and you will never be surprised.

J.D.'s Narration: It's weird, after one day it already felt like he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be. Still, I've gotta stay cool; I know I'm prone to hero worship.

The gurney stops, and the two hop off.

Dr. Casey: Man, the surgeon in me is antsy. [cracks knuckles] I need to cut somebody up.


Dr. Casey stands behind J.D., draped in a sterile cloth, with his head shaved and obviously open in the back.

Dr. Casey: Thanks for volunteering. I'm not really that strong on the brain. [prods J.D.'s head] I think this is the language center.

J.D.: Really? 'Cause I don't feel the--[tongue lolling out]--daaaaaaaiiiiiioooooooowwww...heh-heh-how cool is thaaaat!

(There's no way in the world to write that out, so if you've yet to see the episode, you can download an MP3 of this scene here. )

Dr. Casey: [moving his instrument] And this is the foreign language center.

J.D.: Impossible ! Je ne parle pas Français ! [Impossible! I don't speak French!]

Dr. Casey: [prodding another area] The cow says...


Dr. Casey: [and another] The sheep says...


Dr. Casey: [and another] Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin...

J.D. reflexively slaps his hands over his face.

J.D.: [lost in thought] The French would help with the ladies....


CAFETERIA Turk and Elliot are at a table having lunch. Turk stops blowing bubbles in his drink to call to Dr. Wen as he passes.

Turk: Dr. Wen! Can I ask you a question? Was my time on the lap-chole even faster than yours?

Dr. Wen: Yes, it was.

Turk: Because some of the guys were saying I totally kicked your ass and I wanted them to shut up, you know if it wasn't true, but since it is, I'll just let it go.

Dr. Wen, slightly offended, goes on. Turk laughs cockily until he notices Elliot's disbelieving look.

Turk: What?

Elliot: If there is one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's that you should never antagonize your boss...or the people that make the food, because either way you end up eating poo. Hear it, learn it, live it. Huh?

Turk: Elliot, I can do whatever I want. Because these...[holds up hands]...are magic!

She starts to go back to her lunch, but Turk thrusts his hands in her face again.

Turk: [louder] These? Are gonna take me wherever I wanna go in life.

She tries again, and again she gets hands.

Turk: [louder still] Thanks to these! I'm king of the world, baby! Can you feel it!? Gimme your pudding!!

Startled, she hands over the cup, which he snatches from her.

Turk: Domo arigato!

Cut to... DR. KELSO'S TABLE The Janitor and Randall arrive.

Janitor: Pay up.

Dr. Kelso: Already?

Janitor: You can look around all you want, you won't find any garbage! Let's see them twenty-three squids!

Dr. Kelso digs out his cash and hands over the money, which the Janitor passes to Randall to count.

Randall: [flipping through] It's all here.

Dr. Kelso: So, come on, what'd you do with all the garbage?

Janitor: [leaning close] That's not part of the deal.

He stands up again and turns to his associate.

Janitor: Randall. You, me, on the roof, winner takes all.

Randall: You never learn, do you?

Janitor: Jam'on.


I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Cox and Carla are tending to the patient.

Dr. Cox: You know, Carla, I gotta say your--your makeup today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute.

Carla: What's with the sweet talk?

Dr. Cox: Oh, maybe Kevin being here is making me regress. I mean, you realize that back when I was a resident, I was a kind lad.

Carla: You get out.

Dr. Cox: I know. But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls; which is a curse, actually, because now I'm expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.

J.D. arrives, waving some x-ray films.

J.D.: Here's that CT scan you ordered!

Dr. Cox: [looking J.D. in the face] Thank. You.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Eye contact! He respects me!

Dr. Cox: [viewing the films] What the hell!? He's anemic and he has bone fractures, yet there's no sign of leukemia.

Carla: Don't tell me The Great One is stumped!

Dr. Cox: No. It's just that this is not exactly the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and figure out.

Dr. Casey sticks his head in the door.

Dr. Casey: He's got Gaucher's disease.

Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?

Dr. Casey: I took the liberty of testing his blood for deficiency of beta-glucosidase.

Dr. Cox: Ohhh! I just sent out for one of those!

Carla: No you didn't!

Dr. Cox: Uh-shh!

Dr. Casey: Well, you know, I--I mean, I never would've have figured it out if you hadn't done the grunt work. You know, it's like a jar of pickles: you loosened the lid and -- pop! -- I took it off.

Dr. Cox stares daggers at Casey as he signs the chart.

Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey....

He looks up at the evil stare, and goofily taps his pen shut on his forehead.

Dr. Casey: See ya.



HALL The Janitor and Randall sneak some bags of garbage through.

Cut to... DOCTORS' LOUNGE Dr. Casey is on the couch, with Todd sitting on the table in front of him.

J.D.'s Narration: Luckily for Kevin, he was getting the chance to meet everyone around here.

Todd: See, the reason the X-Box joke should work is that "x-box" is like the perfect word for a girl's party zone!

Dr. Casey stares at him a moment.

Dr. Casey: Uh...."The Todd", is it?

Todd: Oh, yeah.

Dr. Casey: Can you go make a very important phone call for me?

Todd: To who?

Dr. Casey: To anyone.

Todd smiles and clicks his teeth as he a makes a positive gun-pointing gesture. He gets up and heads out, passing Turk on the way.

Todd: Makin' a phone call!

Turk: Hey, Dr. Casey, do you mind if I scrub in on the lap-chole you're doing this afternoon?

Dr. Casey: Okay, I'll see you at four.

Turk watches as Kevin carefully tumbles a coin down his knuckles.

Turk: Cool trick.

Dr. Casey: Yeah, you should try it. It's good for dexterity, concentration...and convincing single women you're a power-dork.

Turk: You know, I'm really looking forward to seeing you in action, sir. It takes a lot to make the big dog sit up and take notice. Heh.

Cut to... O.R. Turk watches in rapt silence as Dr. Casey finishes up the operation.

Dr. Casey: I believe the word you're looking for is "holy crap."

Finished, he goes off to wash up. Turk steps up to the table to view the work.

Turk: Holy crap!


I.C.U. The residents are gathered for rounds, making small talk while they wait for Dr. Cox to arrive.

Doug: I'm sorry, J.D., I just don't think pirates are cool.

J.D.: Well then you're not cool, Doug!

Dr. Casey arrives, and approaches J.D.

Dr. Casey: J.D., do you wanna get a beer tonight?

J.D.: Do chickens wish they could fly?

Dr. Casey: I have no idea.

J.D.: I like to think they do.

Dr. Casey: [realizing] So do I.

Dr. Cox finally arrives, and Dr. Casey joins him in front of the group.

Dr. Cox: Okay, class! We have a guest with us at rounds today, happens to be an old friend of yours truly, so let's all go out of our way to treat him with the respect he deserves. Nnnnnnnn'kay?

Dr. Casey: Hey, gang. My name is Dr. Kevin Cas--

Dr. Cox: Anyway! I thought we'd change things up a little bit today -- instead of me firing questions at you, I'd like to see you all scurry away and get your text books. And when you get back, you actually get to quiz us.

Elliot bounces with glee.

Dr. Cox: A little harmless competition, if my colleague here will consent to it?

Dr. Casey yawns, throwing Cox off a bit.

Dr. Casey: I'm sorry; are you done with the speechifying?

Dr. Cox growls vaguely.

Dr. Casey: I'm kidding, you frightening bastard!

Dr. Cox: [laughing] Oh-ho-hokay, [slapping Casey playfully] buddy-buddy-buddy! Oh! Buddy-buddy-buddy-buddy-buddy! [and in the same breath, turns to the residents] GO GET YOUR BOOKS!

They all scatter.

Dr. Casey: Try not to touch me as much.

Dr. Cox: Fair enough.


NURSES' STATION Randall sits on the desk, watching the Janitor work. Dr. Kelso, Ted in tow, approaches them.

Dr. Kelso: Now look, security said your van hasn't left the premises. So I demand to know where all the trash is going.

Janitor: ...Away.

Dr. Kelso: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the grocer when it was my turn to bring the deli spread to Hank Weinberg's poker night: This better be kosher. Otherwise, it's not just Ted who's gonna pay for it.

He goes off, but Ted lags behind.

Ted the Lawyer: If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building!

Janitor: I'm not cleaning you up.

Randall: Arm.

The Janitor sticks his arm out for Randall to use to help himself off the desk. They walk off.

Ted the Lawyer: Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!

Nurse Roberts passes.

Nurse Roberts: Shut up, bozo.

Ted the Lawyer: One more person. She didn't know the rules.


I.C.U. The rounds quiz is in full swing.

Dr. Cox: [antsy] Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy--

Doug whines.

Dr. Cox: --now I don't care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!

Doug: Okay.... [flipping through book] Wh-what is the demyelinating CNS disorder associated with the JC virus?

Dr. Cox: [yawning throughout] Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy. Snore! Back to you, there, half-pint.

Dr. Casey: Yeah, short jokes are a sign of desperation, my friend.

The Janitor and Randall pass through.

Randall: Amen, brother.

Elliot: [waving hand] Uh...[clears throat]!

Dr. Casey: Uh, yes...blonde girl.... You have yet _another_ question?

Elliot: [grins, and turns to her book] Um, what is the pathologic abnormality causing Bernard-Soulier disease?

Dr. Casey: Absence of von Willebrand receptors. [to Cox] Uh, listen, I hate to be childish about this, but I have to, uh..."make". And for me that involves driving home and scrubbing the toilet seat several times with industrial-strength cleanser. So, if we could just call this a tie...?

Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ties are for sissies. Speaking of which, Newbie? You have been uncharacteristically quiet.

J.D.'s Narration: I don't know why it popped into my head...


J.D.'s conversation with Dr. Cox.

J.D.: You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?

Dr. Cox: Noo.... I'm a good doctor.

J.D.'s Narration: ...but I knew I had him.

J.D.: My question is concerning metabolic diseases.

Tense music plays as we zoom in on Cox's terror-stricken face.

J.D.: [cocky] Oh, yes. [turns to his book] What is the inborn error of metabolism characterized by angiokeratomas? Please?

Dr. Cox: Okay, first I think that we should...we should go over the rules. Because, you see, if by some freak of nature I'm not able to answer a question, then old Kev-Kev here cannot be declared the winner unless he can provide the answer for said question. Otherwise we're just going back and forth, back an--

Dr. Casey: Fabry's Disease. Page two thousand, ninety-eight of Harrison's Guide to Internal Medicine. It's a fun game, but I--I, uh, I'll be back in 48 minutes.

He rushes down the hall. Dr. Cox, defeated and embarrassed, watches after him.

J.D.'s Narration: It's funny how one person can shake another's foundation to the core. Half the time, the guy doesn't even know he did it!

Meanwhile... Dr. Wen comes up behind Turk, who is viewing the tape of a surgery.

Dr. Wen: Watching Dr. Casey's procedure again?

Turk: He's so fast.

Dr. Wen: Yep. He's out of our league.

Cut to... BAR -- EVENING J.D. and Dr. Casey sit at the bar with their beers.

J.D.'s Narration: Funnier still how the same guy could be the mentor I've always been looking for.

Dr. Casey: Nice place. It's got that--that great...vomit and peanut smell.

J.D.: Yeah.... Reminds me of my first girlfriend. She was a carnie.

Casey gives him an appropriate look and takes a sip of his beer, replacing the disposable coaster on top with a fresh one from his nearby stack.

J.D.: You know, I'm always trying to get Cox to come out and get a beer with me -- he never does.

Dr. Casey: Hey, you're not one of those guys who carries around pictures of him and his attending, are you?


J.D. buffs the glass on a framed photo in which he poses next to Dr. Cox, who is busy reading a chart, in a stolen photo opportunity.

J.D.: Ahhhh, perfect!

J.D.: Well, I don't carry anything around....

Dr. Casey: Good. 'Cause you know, those--those losers who've been practicing medicine for three years but are still looking for some kind of mentor to pat 'em on the back are just...pathetic, you know what I mean?

J.D.: [crushed] Totally.

J.D.'s Narration: Yep. It's funny what one person can do.

Dr. Casey takes a sip from his beer, and goes to put a new coaster on top, but it falls off.

Dr. Casey: Aw, okay, I'm gonna need another beer.



HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS -- MORNING J.D., Turk, and Dr. Cox are at the small table in the area.

J.D.'s Narration: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant. What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.

He looks over at Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: Stop looking at me or die.

J.D.'s Narration: What's worse is that the guy who caused it thinks we're his best friends.

Dr. Casey enters.

Dr. Casey: Morning, fellas!

They grudgingly respond.

Dr. Cox: Whatta say there, Kev. & J.D.: Hey, yeah. & Turk: Eh, morning.

Dr. Casey: All right, all six of your butt cheeks just, uh, tightened up.

Dr. Cox: Uh. & J.D.: Uh. & Turk: Uh?

Dr. Casey: Someone around here pissing you guys off? 'Cause I will give 'em some attitude.

J.D. scans the area for someone to blame.

J.D.: Uhhh.... [pointing at Ted] That guy!

Dr. Casey: Hey, Hair Club! That suit, that come with the flop sweat?

Ted's face falls. It's the final straw.

Cut to... ROOF Ted stands on the ledge.

Ted the Lawyer: You can do this, Theodore! Take as much time as you need.

He stands there, staring down.

Ted the Lawyer: Okay.... Here we go, baby.

He remains motionless.


CAFETERIA Carla and Jordan are at a table talking.

Carla: I just don't understand why this guy bothers him so much.

Jordan: Carla, Perry is a dysfunctional, unsuccessful, emotionally-damaged old man! No offense, sweetie.

The camera pulls back to reveal Dr. Cox sitting right next to her.

Dr. Cox: None taken.

Jordan: Being the best doctor here is the only thing he had to hang his hat on.

Dr. Cox: Listen, just because we have a child together doesn't necessarily mean you know me, mmm'kay, princess? Watch and learn.

He calls over to Dr. Casey, who has just gotten his breakfast.

Dr. Cox: Say, Kev-Kev? Would you love to come and join us?

Dr. Casey: Oh, thanks.

He takes the seat next to Carla.

Carla: Um, what's up with the oatmeal today?

Dr. Cox: Too much milk.

Carla: No.

Dr. Casey: [sniffs her bowl] Not enough butter.

Carla: That's it!

Dr. Cox: Did you just diagnose the oatmeal? You can't just go [sniffs] and diagnose the oatmeal.

Jordan: He just did. Kevin, are you single?

Dr. Casey: Yeah. Why, are you?

Jordan: [smiling] I'm thinking about it.

Carla: [grinning] Heh. Yeah, me too.

Dr. Cox: What--what in the hell...just happened? Just.... J--What just happened!?


DOCTORS' LOUNGE Turk sits at the table across from Elliot, who has a stopwatch.

Turk: Okay, I've removed the gallbladder, sealed the vessels, aaaand time!

She clicks the watch and shows him the displayed time.

Elliot: [laughs] Oh, my God! You can't even beat Dr. Kevin Casey's lap-chole time when you're _imagining_ it!

She tosses the watch at him.

Turk: So! I could be just as fast if I was like him and practiced over and over again on a simulator.

Elliot: Yeah...but you don't.

Turk: Yeah, well I could spend my spare time doing stupid hand exercises!

Elliot: I know...but you don't.

Turk: Yeah, well, I could--

Elliot: You don't.

Turk: But--

Elliot: Don't!

Turk: Could you enjoy this any less?

Elliot: [holds up her hands] Because of theeeeeeeese! I don't think I can.

Satisfied, she gets up from the table and heads out.

Turk: [restarting the watch] In! Gallbladder! Out! Done! [stops the watch] Four seconds! A new record! World record!


NURSES' STATION J.D. is at the desk with Doug.

J.D.: Look, I did my psych rotation, okay? I know my father abandoning us and only showing up in my life when he needs a place to sleep or a free prostate exam is probably gonna be an issue. I get it. But it's not like I'm looking for a--a mentor...I just want a little validation. It's like when Kelso gave you a cupcake 'cause you went four days without killing a patient.

Doug: That was awesome!

J.D.: You know!

J.D.'s Thoughts: I've always felt like Doug understood me. It's weird; after knowing him for three years, I suddenly realized he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be.

J.D. realizes how this sounds.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait!

J.D.: Doug, get the hell outta here!

Doug: Okay.

Doug goes, leaving J.D. to his thoughts. The screen splits, showing that J.D. isn't the only one with something to think about -- Turk and Dr. Cox are each having their own thoughts.

J.D.'s Narration: I think when rational men are forced to face their shortcomings they all do the same thing: Blame Kevin Casey! Who gave him the right to judge me? 'Cause I sure didn't! I'll give him a piece of my mind! See how he likes it! Unfortunately no one knew where the son of a bitch was!

They all go off in different directions, crossing each other's paths in search of Casey.

Continue to... HALL J.D. hits the button for the elevator. Dr. Kelso approaches, blocking the door.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian! I'm far too irritable right now to pretend I don't hate you, so let's cut to the chase.

The elevator arrives with a ding, and inside are the Janitor and Randall, desperately holding the mountains of garbage bags in.

Dr. Kelso: If you know where all the garbage in this hospital is going, I'll give you...[counts cash on him]...eight dollars.

The Janitor pleadingly holds his finger to his lips in a "shhh!" gesture.

J.D.: Sorry, sir.

Janitor: [as the doors close again] Thanks!

Dr. Kelso: [spinning around] Huh?

Carla approaches.

Carla: Dr. Kelso?

Dr. Kelso: What?

Carla: The crows are back. They're making your pimp-mobile look like SpinArt.

Dr. Kelso: Dammit!

He rushes off.

Meanwhile... ROOF Ted is still trying to talk himself into fulfilling his threat.

Ted the Lawyer: It's just one step. Come on, already! Aww, who'm I kidding?

He turns to step away from the ledge, but just at that moment, Dr. Kelso busts through the door, screaming and blowing his air horn to startle the birds.

Ted is definitely startled, and loses his balance, falling off the roof.

Ted the Lawyer: [plummeting] You did it, Teddy! It's over! Here comes sweet relief! [laughs insanely]

He finally hits bottom, cushioned by a pile of the garbage the Janitor and Randall had just moved down below.

Ted the Lawyer: Is this heaven?

Janitor: It's garbage.

Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.

Ted the Lawyer: Wha?

Dr. Kelso blows his horn to get their attention, and shouts down from the roof.

Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!

Janitor: [to Ted] You know, if you try that around the corner, you can land right in the street.

Poor Ted rolls his eyes -- he can't even kill himself right.


DARKENED HALL J.D. finally spots Dr. Casey through the window of the O.R. scrub room.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Found him! Brace yourself, mister! You're about to get an earful! J.D. style!

He marches toward the door and enters.

J.D.: Hey, buddy.

Dr. Casey: [washing up] Hey...hey.... Uh, give--give me a minute, will you?

J.D.: No, Kevin, I have to talk to you _right_ _now_.

Casey turns off the sink and goes for a towel, then stomps his foot in frustration.

Dr. Casey: DAMMIT!

J.D.: Later's cool too.

Dr. Casey: I'm sorry. I just, I... Look, I spent the last few days meeting new people and...trying to get used to this place, and I'm stressed and I'm fried...[leans his head against the window]...and I just want to go home.... But here's the punchline: even though my last surgery was two hours ago, I can't stop washing my damn hands.

He heads back to the sink, soaping up again.


He shakes his hands angrily, splashing soapy water around.

J.D.: I'm sorry....

Dr. Casey: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look...this is a weak moment. Nobody's supposed to see this. And, uh, mark my words, I'll clean up the soap. ...Probably several thousand times.

J.D. looks at him wide-eyed.

Dr. Casey: Everyone's got their own burdens, J.D., and I'm not gonna be one of those people that dumps mine on somebody else. Now whatta you need?

J.D. stands silently for a moment as Kevin returns to the sink.

J.D.: Nothing.

Coldplay's "Everything's Not Lost" begins.

J.D.'s Narration: None of us needed anything.

The scene cycles through Turk and Dr. Cox each finding Casey, seeing him repeatedly washing his hands through the window, and realizing that their problems with him weren't so important after all.

J.D.'s Narration: I think owning your burdens is half the battle.

Cut to... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Turk is practicing the coin trick.

J.D.'s Narration: Turk knows that he'll eventually have to decide what his priorities really are....

Carla calls to him as she heads to the bedroom.

Carla: Baby. Come to bed.

Turk drops the coin on the table and follows after her.

Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT Dr. Cox sits across from Jack, whom he has dressed up in a little baseball uniform.

J.D.'s Narration: And Dr. Cox knows he has to find something else to hang his hat on.

Dr. Cox: You, my friend, are going to be the best baseball player in the world. Which will make me the best baseball player in the world's father.

He makes a crowd noise.

Dr. Cox: Can't you hear it, Jack? Can't you hear it?

Meanwhile... DARKENED HALL J.D. leaves the scrub room, where Dr. Casey is repeatedly flicking the light switch.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, it's not that daunting if you look around and see what other people have to deal with.

J.D.: Goodnight, Dr. Casey.

Dr. Casey: 'Night, J.D.

As Casey continues to flip the switch, the song fades.


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