The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Boss's Free Haircut".
Act[]
CAFETERIA J.D. and Elliot are having coffee together.
J.D.'s Narration: You never know who you're gonna find in the cafeteria at five am.
Cut to... A man sitting at a table bleeding from his nose, hair a mess, and rocking back and forth.
J.D.'s Narration: It could be the husband who asked his wife after thirty-six hours of labor if the screaming was really necessary. Or the intern whose been on call so many nights in a row she's actually hallucinating...
Cut to... An intern paying the cafeteria check-out lady.
Intern: Hi I'd like two tickets to Million Dollar Baby.
Cut to... Turk and Carla talking at a table.
J.D.'s Narration: Or your best friends who've found time between shifts to discuss their marital troubles.
Cut to... J.D. and Elliot.
J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah, but... mostly because I had a husband.
Cut to... Turk and Carla.
Carla: I'm gonna stay at Elliot's for a few more days.
Turk: Yeah I figured as much. I brought ya some things: your slippers and, uh, you remember that note you put on the toilet to remind me to put the seat down? Looking at it was making me sad. [gives her the yellow post-it]
Carla: I wrote this the first time I forgot to look down and fractured mah tailbone.
Turk: You were in a lot of pain!
Carla: Keep it together, baby. We'll have brunch together on Sunday and we'll see where we're at.
Turk: Yeah but I wanna be where you're at while we're trying to figure out where we're at!
Cut to... J.D. and Elliot.
J.D.: Think they'll work it out?
Intern: [Holding a big bucket of popcorn] Shhh! The movie's about to start!
Elliot: Go home, Cathy.
J.D.: Where did she get popcorn?
Cut to... LOCKER ROOM J.D. is finishing getting dressed.
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe it's because we're best friends, but I had a sneaky feeling that Turk was depressed.
Turk: [On the floor in the fetal position in only his underwear] I should call her.
J.D.: Turk! You're not gonna believe this, but I don't know a lot about women. No... it's true! But the one thing I do know is when a woman wants her space, you give her her space! My sixth grade girlfriend taught me that...
- FLASHBACK: ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YARD
Young J.D. confronts a young girl, arms crossed.
Young J.D.: No Libby. I won't leave you alone until you explain why you ignored me on the bus.
Libby: [Kicks him in the crotch and walks away]
Young J.D.: [Bends over] AHHHH...
BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: I hope she's dead. The point is, in the meantime, it's important you don't spiral into a depression, okay? So I'm taking you to a carnival downtown tonight! What do you say?
Turk: [Standing] I can't go to a carnival. It reminds me of Carla!
J.D.: Why?
Turk: Dude! "Carnival"! Remove the "niv" and switch the "l" and the "a" and you got "Carla"! [Walks out sad]
J.D.: [Spells out "Carnival" in the air with his fingers - yellow letters for us - and removes the "niv", switches the "l" and "a" and puts it all together] Oh my god he's right!
Cut to... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Carla and Elliot are fixing the couch into a bed.
Carla: Thank you SO much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please! And I still have only one rule: I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet and also cannot talk or be talked to BY someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: Hmmm, you say you get it and still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh I just thought--
Elliot: Uh bup bup bup bup buh! Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.
Carla: God! This sucks! I hate March! You realize two years ago this Sunday my Mom died?
Elliot: Plus, last month, you got that hideous hair cut! Remember? Look Carla, if it makes you feel any better, I'm sure Turk's just as miserable.
Cut to... CARNIVAL J.D., Turk, and a bunch of little kids are jumping around inside one of those inflatable moon walk pits.
J.D.: Okay, stop stop stop!
Turk: Whoa whoa!
[Everyone stops jumping]
J.D.: My tummy's starting to rumble!
Turk: FASTER!
[Everyone, minus J.D., starts jumping harder]
J.D.: Ohhh I'm gonna hurl!
Act[]
FOURTH FLOOR HALL A dermatologist comes running down the hallway from the elevator.
J.D.'s Narration: You see a lot of sad things in a hospital, but nothings quite as sad as a dermatologist that's just been paged milking it for all it's worth.
Dermatologist: Alright everybody! Watch your backs! Skin doctor coming through! I gotta get somewhere--STAT!
Cut to... EXAM ROOM Dr. Cox stands in front of an older man sitting on the table in a gown with a beet-red complexion.
Dermatologist: You called for a consult?
Dr. Cox: Mr. Warner... do you see what you've made me do? By once again choosing to spend all of your free time out on the surface of the sun until melanoma has developed, you have forced me to pull the attending dermatologist away from his bacne seminar and validate his most ridiculous of career choices.
Dermatologist: [Buzzes at him] Ehhhh!
Dr. Cox: Oh god.
Mr. Warner: I just want to look good.
Dr. Cox: You, my friend, look so damn leathery I'm honestly tempted to wrap ya around a baseball, synch ya up with a belt, and stick ya under my mattress so that you're good and broken in for the big game on Sunday. Buut, since I'm here to heal not judge, I'm gonna go ahead and write you a couple of prescriptions. You'll find that this first one is for an extra large mallet to help ya pound some sense into yourself. [Rips it off and throws the paper at Mr. Warner] The second one is for a big floppy hat that you're now to wear every single time ya leave the house. [Throws it at Mr. Warner] Have a great day, ya look like a purse!
Dr. Kelso: Perry, a word.
Dermatologist: [Pinching and pulling Mr. Warner's face] Oh, oh yeah. Your skin's all messed up.
Cut to... HALLWAY Dr. Kelso confronts Dr. Cox.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, dummies, boozers, losers, winos, tubbos, tokers, smokers, and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying jokers and I had coffee cake in my mouth.
Dr. Kelso: Bottom line, unlike my masseuse Freedy, you're not pretty enough to be this rough. Work on your bedside manner.
Dr. Cox: Say Bobbo, when exactly was the last time you treated a patient?
- FLASHBACK: SACRED HEART - PATIENT ROOM - THE 70's
A younger Dr. Kelso, complete with scrubs and intense hair, with the film quality of the 70's.
Dr. Kelso: Now you listen to me, Betty. No matter how long it takes, we're gonna get through this.
Doctor: [Walking in] Congratulations Bob, they just named you Chief of Medicine!
Dr. Kelso: BINGO! [Walks out the door, throwing the chart over his head] Smell ya later, Betty!
BACK TO PRESENT***
Dr. Kelso: Fine. You want me to take a patient? I'll take a patient.
Dr. Cox: The Bobatron is actually gonna try to connect with another human being? [laughing] It is so on! [To J.D. and Turk as they walk by] Guys! It's so on!
J.D.: Awesome!
Turk: What's so on?
J.D.: Who cares, he referred to me as a guy!
Turk: Dude, we stayed up too late.
J.D.: It was our first annual interracial buddy movie night! We had to.
Turk: Ya know, I'm still pissed that you thought "Turner & Hooch" was an interracial buddy movie.
J.D.: I didn't know it was Tom Hanks and a dog, okay? Don't paint me as a racist just because I thought "black guy" when I heard the name Hooch.
Hooch: [sticking his head out of a patient's room] Yeah J.D., what's up?
J.D.: Oh! Sorry Hooch, we were just talkin' 'bout the movie.
Hooch: No biggie, happens all the time! [goes back inside]
Turk: Okay, so it was an honest mistake. Gotta go. [walks away as Elliot is walking up, slaps her butt on his way past her] Hey!
Elliot: Too hard! What is going on with Turk? He doesn't seem that bumped out.
J.D.: I uplifted his spirits.
Elliot: How did you do that? Because Carla is just bottomin' out man. I mean I'm not even supposed to be here at work today, I just came to use the bathroom because she keeps violating The Rule.
J.D.: Quiet on the crapper?
Elliot: Yeah! It's like she just stores everything up until my cheeks hit the seat! She thinks she's exempt from the rule! Nobody is exempt from The Rule, J.D.
J.D.: [giving her a comforting hug] Okay, shhh, it's okay. I'll never talk to you on the crapper. Okay.
Elliot: [stands back] I cannot afford to soundproof my bathroom!
J.D.: Listen, the way I cheered up Turk? I made it all about him! Find some way to lift Carla's spirits up!
Cut to... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Carla is coming in the door as Elliot stands there with a cake box.
Elliot: Surprise!
Carla: What's goin' on?
Elliot: We are going to celebrate your Mom's death! I mean, your Mom's life. We're gonna celebrate your dead Mom's life! I even got a cake!
Carla: Woow. Does it say "dead" anywhere on it?
Elliot: [opens the box, sticks her finger in, and eats the large gob of frosting off it] Not any more!
Cut to... SACRED HEART - NURSE'S STATION Laverne comes up behind a doctor in blue scrubs, leaned over, and rummaging through the station.
Laverne: Junior I don't know what you doin' in my area, but you better be lookin' for some bandages 'cause you're gonna need them when I get through with you. [the doctor turns around and looks up - it's Dr. Kelso] Dr. Kelso! I didn't recognize you in scrubs.
Dr. Kelso: That's okay Laverne, I didn't recognize you without your mini TV and your feet up.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Real nice outfit there, Bobbo.
Dr. Kelso: Perry you just go right ahead and say what you want, because Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step. Now! Where do we keep the sick people?
Cut to... PATIENT'S ROOM A young heavy woman lays in bed as Dr. Kelso walks in.
Dr. Kelso: Hello Miss Goldman! I'm your doctor.
Miss Goldman: Don't you mean my doctor's great, great, great, great grandfather? [Dr. Kelso just stares] You're old!
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I got that.
Cut to... SACRED HEART - ADMISSIONS J.D. catches up to Turk in front of the admissions desk.
J.D.: Hey friend! I switched shifts so we could hang out tonight!
Turk: Hell yeah! There's no beer in the fridge, you know we're gonna have to make a stop and pick up some hooch!
Hooch: [sticks his head from around the admissions desk] Yeah Turk?
Turk: Sorry man, I was talkin' 'bout the beer!
Hooch: Oh, that's no problem buddy.
Turk: Alright!
Hooch: Just seems like you could have said "beer". It's a much more common word.
Turk: My bad. Uh... won't happen again.
Hooch: "Won't happen again." [chuckles under his breath obviously annoyed]
J.D.: You knew he was there, didn't you?
Turk: Couldn't help myself. [walks away]
J.D.'s Narration: It's weird. I mean, I want his marriage to work out, but it's nice to have Turk all to myself again.
Janitor's Thoughts: [leaning against his mop in front of the main door looking... unwell] It's weird. I want to follow him down the hall and crack him over the head, but I'm so drunk right now I know I'll collapse if I even move an inch.
Cut to... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Elliot and Carla sit in the living room reminiscing about Carla's mother.
Carla: And I am not kidding you. My Mom turns to the guidance counselor and she says "(something in Spanish...)"
Elliot: [laughs hysterically]
Carla: [surprised] You understood that?
Elliot: No, but I know when I'm supposed to laugh in any language.
Carla: Okay... You know I was skeptical but it's been kinda nice reminiscing about my Mom.
Elliot: It's about to get a whole lot nicer. [pulls out an old answering machine and presses a button]
Tape Recorder Mom 1: Hi sweetie, it's Mom! I just called to tell you how much I love you!
Carla: Oh my god!
Elliot: It's J.D.'s old answering machine.
Tape Recorder Mom 2: Hi Carla! I sure wish you would call me once in awhile!
Elliot: Hadn't heard that one. [quickly unplugs the answering machine] So, uh, what other stories do you have about your Mom?
Tape Recorder Mom 3: Carla!
Elliot: God there's batteries!
Tape Recorder Mom 3: It seems like you never have time for me anymore! Carla! Carla! Carla, are you there?
[Carla wraps her arms around a couch pillow and sits back in the couch, looking like she's going to start crying]
Cut to... SACRED HEART - PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Kelso and Laverne are talking with Miss. Goldman. Miss Goldman is using her internet phone.
Dr. Kelso: What we are dealing with are venostasis ulcers, most likely because of your weight.
Miss Goldman: Wow! You figured out that I'm fat! You're either a brilliant doctor or every guy I've ever gone to high school with!
Dr. Kelso: Okay... moving on! From the numbers I'm seeing on your fasting gluclose and triglcerides I'm suspecting--
Miss Goldman: [reading off her phone] Metabolic syndrome...
Dr. Kelso: Yes. Now, this condition is not that rare--
Miss Goldman: [still reading off her phone] One in five people have it.
Dr. Kelso: Stop doing that!
Miss Goldman: Why am I paying you to tell me things I've already figured out on my own?
Dr. Kelso: Maybe because I graduated first in my class at Stanford in 1972?
Miss Goldman: [read off the phone] You graduated twelfth in your class in 1968. [shows the phone to Dr. Kelso matter-of-factly]
Laverne: She googled your ass.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I am not interested in your street lingo. What I am interested in is where she found that magic phone that keeps making me look like an idiot!
Cut to... CLUB J.D. and Turk are behind the bar mixing drinks and doing a bunch of cool tricks with the bottles, dancing to the music.
J.D.'s Narration: Last summer, Turk and I were forced to choose between helping to stem a hepatitis C outbreak in the inner city or going to bartending school. I've always felt we did the right thing. Especially since I knew Turk had to blow off some steam before his big meeting with Carla tomorrow.
J.D.: Alright everybody! We're your guest bartenders - we'll be here all night!
Turk: Oh you know what? Actually, I'm gonna go home and put some thought into what I'm gonna say to Carla tomorrow morning.
J.D.'s Narration: I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help it. It was our last hoorah!
J.D.: Turk! You know Carla likes it when you speak from your heart! Improve that, daaaaawg! Stay here and drink! For Carla!
Turk: Well since we're doin' it for Carla, let's go!
J.D.: For Carla!
Turk: LET'S DO THIIIIIS!!
J.D.'s Narration: My barber once told me it's important to finish what you've started.
Cut to... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Carla is sitting in a chair, staring into space, her makeup a mess from crying as Elliot walks in.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes what you've started was clearly the worst idea in the world.
Elliot: Wasn't this kind of fun?
Carla: [holds up the broken answering machine, torn to bits] It stopped.
Cut to... SACRED HEART - FOURTH FLOOR Dr. Kelso stands outside the patients room, banging on the door, trying to get in.
J.D.'s Narration: Other times, it's a lot harder than you thought.
Dr. Kelso: [pounding on the window] Dammit, young lady, LET ME IN! THIS IS MY HOSPITAL!
Dr. Cox: Hey Booob! What's shaking in Patientville?
Dr. Kelso: Ohh... just trying to keep myself from spending all day in there with her. Such a doll!
Dr. Cox: Awww... You Bob!
Cut to... J.D., TURK, AND CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D. is sitting at the bar on a stool.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, even if you end up with a hangover that would slay a walrus, it's all worth it. Especially when you know that at this very moment your best friend is at lunch saving his marriage.
Turk: [comes out of his bedroom in his bathrobe] What time is it?
J.D.'s Narration: Or he missed it.
Act[]
J.D., TURK, AND CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D. is at the bar on the phone with Elliot.
J.D.'s Narration: This was my fault, so I was determined to fix it. Still, I needed Elliot's help, so I decided to break the ice first.
J.D.: Hey Elliot, do me a favor?
Cut to... SACRED HEART - NURSES STATION Carla, Dr. Cox, and Elliot are standing around. Elliot is on the phone with J.D.
Elliot: What do you mean, "Say Hooch"?
Hooch: [appears from down the hallway with bloody gloves on] Oh my god! What?! I'm a little busy!
Elliot: Uh... I'm sorry, I'm not really sure what's happening right now.
Hooch: Well of course you're not! Because in your head it's all about you, isn't it? Well no more! Say "hooch" again, it will be the last thing you ever say!
Cut to... J.D., TURK, AND CARLA'S APARTMENT
J.D.: [laughing in triumph] HA! He was mad, wasn't he? Ohhh Hooch is crazy. Listen, tell Carla it's my fault because I kept Turk out all night and he overslept.
Cut to... SACRED HEART - NURSES STATION
Elliot: It was J.D.'s fault.
Carla: How come Turk hasn't called me?
Elliot: Why hasn't Turk called her?
J.D.: I wanted to fix it.
Elliot: He wanted to fix it.
Dr. Cox: [slides over on his chair] Ask Betty why he's such a girly girl.
Elliot: Not now.
Dr. Cox: Do it now, do it now. Call her "Betty".
Elliot: You're insane.
Dr. Cox: Betty, Betty, BettyBettyBettyBettyBetty!.
Elliot: [into the phone] Betty?
Cut to... J.D., TURK, AND CARLA'S APARTMENT
J.D.: Yeah?
Cut to... SACRED HEART - NURSES STATION
Elliot: [laughing] OH MY GOD IT WORKED!
Dr. Cox: Ha! [slides back to the desk in his chair]
Carla: Ask J.D. when Turk wants to get together.
Elliot: When does Turk want to get together?
Cut to... J.D., TURK, AND CARLA'S APARTMENT
J.D.: He--[to Turk as he walks in] Look Turk, I'm so sorry about last night, but I already explained to Carla how you overslept and now she wants to know when you want to meet up.
Turk: I didn't oversleep. I decided not to go.
[J.D. hangs up the phone in shock]
Cut to... SACRED HEART - OUTSIDE PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Kelso is pounding on the door which has been locked from the inside.
Dr. Kelso: AGH! I don't know how she jammed this. [to the Janitor standing behind him] Can you open that door?
Janitor's Thoughts: [leaning and swaggering on his mop] Okay, you made it up here without passing out or vomiting, now just calmly and eloquently explain that you can't open the door right now and he'll be on his way.
Janitor: [mumbles]
Janitor's Thoughts: Well done!
Dr. Kelso: Are you mocking me? [grabs a screw driver from his belt] Give me this damn screw driver!
Cut to... SACRED HEART - PATIENT'S ROOM The door falls inward with a loud thud and Dr. Kelso stands there, walking in with his screw driver.
Dr. Kelso: Hello young lady! I went ahead and set an appointment up for you with our nutritionist who's going to help you create a diet and exercise plan so I never have to see you in here again!
Miss Goldman: Yeah... I'm having a gastric bypass.
Dr. Kelso: But, Miss Goldman, you're only twenty five. And considering that any serious surgery has inherit risks, I really don't think--
Miss Goldman: How are you not getting this?! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!
Cut to... SACRED HEART - NURSES STATION Elliot and Carla are standing around talking.
Elliot: Carla, I am so sorry about those messages from your mother, but I am going to make it up to you.
Carla: It's okay Elliot. It was really nice hearing my Mom's voice again. I just... I wish I could talk to her about everything that's going on.
Cut to... CEMETARY - DAY Elliot and Carla are walking through.
Carla: Oooohh... You know, I'm really not comfortable with this kind of stuff.
Elliot: Aw, Carla, you can totally talk to people once they're gone. I used to talk to our maid Consuela all the time!
Carla: When did she die?
Elliot: When I was eleven. [pause] At least, that's what my dad told me. I mean, I found out after college that he actually had her deported for putting knives in the fork drawer.
Carla: You know Elliot, you're a lot more normal than you should be.
Elliot: Well, you do what you can with what ya got. [Elliot promptly falls face first into a freshly dug empty grave] OHHH! HOLY FRICK!
Cut to... SACRED HEART - FOURTH FLOOR J.D. and Turk are walking through the hallway.
J.D.: First my parents get divorced, now you and Carla are all messed up. What's the common denominator? J.D.! I should get business cards that say "Love Destroyer".
Turk: Dude, it's not your fault. Don't get me wrong, hanging with you these last coupla days has been niiice!
J.D.: Nice? It was intoxicating! You were hanging with the J. Dizzle! I'm sure it felt like some sort of crazy dream!
Turk: I know, cause with the J. Dizzle, everything's hassle free!
J.D.: Yeah, like some sort of crazy, hassle-free dream!
Turk: Okay, stop! Stop! Maybe that's why I skipped the brunch, you know I just can't help thinking "marriage shouldn't be this hard."
Cut to... PATIENT'S ROOM J.D. and Turk enter Miss Goldman's room.
Turk: So you're my gastric bypass. You got any questions?
Miss Goldman: Nope. [pause] See you in the O.R. tomorrow.
Turk: I'll be the one with the mask on. [walking away, to J.D.] That's how easy marriage should be!
J.D.: [to Miss Goldman] I won't be there, but I'm sure it would be nice operating on you.
Cut to... SACRED HEART - DOCTOR'S LOUNGE Dr. Kelso sits down on the couch next to Dr. Cox who is reading the newspaper with his feet up.
Dr. Cox: Whaaat is it, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: When the hell did patients stop respecting us? I really tried to help that young woman in there today, but she rolled over me like Enid's wheelchair over Baxter's tail.
Dr. Cox: Hmm?
Dr. Kelso: Enid was recently paralyzed, I haven't told anyone. Anyway, I couldn't handle a patient, so go ahead, take your shots.
Dr. Cox: I want to Bob, I really do. Buut, my first patient today was a snot-nosed little punk who wouldn't let me give him a rectal exam unless I said pretty please first, and I'm just not big on begging strangers to stick my hand up their butt. Not even in my private time.
Dr. Kelso: Remember when being a doctor meant that people would look up to you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: When I first started out, I could take this white coat out, get a free hair cut, nice table at a restaurant, hell I never once got a speeding ticket.
Dr. Cox: People used to give me cards and gifts and sometimes even a pie for just doin' my job.
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That's what "house call" used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob. Today people think of us as drug-dispensing walking lawsuits who are, in fact, less informed than their internet phones.
Dr. Kelso: So that's what that damn thing was!
Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays... you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: [pause] Blow it out your ass, Bob.
Cut to... CEMETARY - DAY Elliot stands in the grave, jumping and trying to get out with no success.
Elliot: Okay! OHH!
Carla: [coming to the edge of the grave] Elliot!
Elliot: Yeah!
Carla: I spoke to the groundskeeper! He'll come over as soon as he finishes burying Paul Newman! ...Different Paul Newman, I asked. I'll just wait here with you!
Elliot: Oh, Carla, go! I'm fine down here in this giant, fresh... empty grave.
Carla: Okay bye! [quickly leaves]
Cut to... SACRED HEART - PATIENT'S ROOM Turk and J.D. are talking with Miss Goldman.
J.D.'s Narration: I didn't know what to say to Turk next. And then it happened.
[Western music plays as Dr. Kelso busts the door down once again]
Turk: Sir, the door was open!
Dr. Kelso: I know. I just love doing that.
Miss Goldman: What now, Grampa?!
Dr. Kelso: You are going to shut your damn yapper and listen for a change, because I got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with the surgery because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. Well, Missy, let me break this down for you, Bobbo-style. Life is scary. Get used to it.
J.D.'s Narration: And then it seemed like Dr. Kelso wasn't only talking to her.
Dr. Kelso: There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doin' the work.
- [Howie Day's "Collide" beings]**
Miss Goldman: What if it's too hard?
Turk: [leaning down to face Dr. Kelso next to Miss Goldman] Yeah, what if it's too hard?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have no idea why you're chiming in, but I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.
Turk: I gotta go. [runs out of the room]
Cut to... CEMETARY - DAY Carla sits in front of a grave, facing the headstone.
Carla: Okay, here it goes. Ho ho this is so weird. I don't really know what to say. Sorry I haven't visited much, I've been kinda busy. ...That's not true. Why am I lying to a slab of granite? [crying] I just know I really could've used you around this week! I miss you.
Turk: [walks in and sits down next to her] Can you tell her I miss her too? [pause] You know what, never mind. Because she wouldn't believe you.
J.D.'s Narration: You can never truly capture the past.
Cut to... BARBER SHOP Dr. Kelso sits in the chair getting his hair cut.
Barber: That'll be eighteen dollars.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm not paying. I'm a doctor!
Barber: Yeah... we don't do that anymore. You're paying.
[Dr. Kelso gets up and runs out the door still wearing that barber bib as the Barber chases after him]
Cut to... STREET The Barber chases a smiling Dr. Kelso down the sidewalk.
J.D.'s Narration: You still have to try, though. Because as a recently incarcerated doctor once said, "Nothing worth having comes easy."
Cut to... CEMETARY - Day Carla and Turk sit in front of a grave.
Turk: So you ready to come home?
Carla: I'm trying to get there Turk, I'm just not there yet.
Turk: [slightly annoyed] Alright, you take all the time you need, okay? [starts to get up]
Carla: [crying] Do you mind sitting here with me for a little longer?
[Turk pulls Carla in close to him and holds her]
Cut to... CEMETARY - NIGHT Elliot is still stuck in the grave.
Elliot: Is anybody there?! Anybody?! HELLLLOOOO! [calming herself] Keep it together Elliot. Things could be worse. [a loud blast of thunder and it starts to pour down rain] Oh dear god! I'm going to die in a watery grave.
Fade to Black.