My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby transcript

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby".

Act

SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS A larger woman is at the desk, with Jack standing in front of her.

Jack: [Pointing and singing] You're a fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty!

Dr. Cox comes over.

Woman: What's your son doing?

Dr. Cox: Apparently he's doing the "fatty dance." [Picks Jack up.] Inappropriate? Well, maybe. But I'm raising my son to be a straight-shooter. That's his mom, right over there.

He points over to Jordan leaning in the doorway.

Jordan: Ohh, thanks for including me.

The woman shakes her head. Cox grins proudly at his kid and carries him off.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox and Jordan weren't the only ones with kid troubles. My brand new girlfriend was pregnant, and we were trying to decide what to do.

Cut to... KIM'S APARTMENT J.D. and Kim sit side by side on the couch.

J.D.: Should we keep it or get rid of it?

Kim: I dunno. If we keep it, it'll just end up in the dumpster. [Reveal the last piece of pizza in the box in front of them.] Okay! Enough pizza talk -- I mean, we're clearly stalling, here.

J.D.: You're right.

Kim: So, uh, let's go.... Um.... Do you like kids?

J.D.: Of course I do! What about you? Any nieces or nephews?

Kim: Yeah, I have a nephew. Although he's forty-five. But occasionally I do have to change his diaper -- he was kicked by a horse.

J.D.: Oh, no!

Kim: Yeah. Now, how do you feel about adoption?

FANTASY

BAR -- TWENTY-SOME YEARS IN THE FUTURE A salt-&-pepper-haired, mustachioed J.D. leans in to look at the necklace on the hot blonde before him.

Old J.D.: So beautiful! I hope you keep some ice in this locket, 'cause you're making me hot all over!

Girl: Actually, it's the only picture I have of my biological father. D'you wanna see it?

She opens it up and we see a picture of young J.D. doing a stupid finger point. Older J.D. didn't catch a glimpse, because he was looking off towards someone else in the bar, doing his stupid finger point.

Old J.D.: What? Oh! Sure! Uh, I'll take a look at it -- first thing tomorrow morning, huh?

BACK TO REALITY

J.D.: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of adoption.

Kim: You think if it's a girl, you'd doink her?

J.D.: I know I will.

Kim: Yep. All right, well, look, we don't need to make this decision tonight, right? I mean, plenty of time.

J.D.: I'm totally fine with stalling.

His phone rings, and he answers it.

Kim: Great! 'Cause if I hear the word "baby" one more time, I'm gonna lose it!

Meanwhile... SACRED HEART -- HALL Turk's on the other end of the phone.

Turk: Dude! Carla's in labor! Meet me at the apartment! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

He runs off down the hall.

Cut to... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Elliot is on the couch with Carla, monitoring her progress, as Turk comes out of the bedroom in his casual clothes.

Turk: [Panicked] Is he coming? Is he coming!?

Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor.

Carla: Oh, he's not talking about the baby.

The front door bursts open, and J.D. and Kim enter.

Turk: He's here! And now we can have our baby!

J.D.: Okay, Brown Bear, commence Operation Brown Cub! Suitcase!

Turk: [Holding up a bag] Check.

J.D.: Stylish big daddy hat!

Turk: [Donning a feathered fedora] Check.

J.D.: Big-time collegiate drum-line!

Cut to... STREET Turk stands in front of the percussionists of a marching band.

Turk: Check!

The band starts up.

Turk: I want the whole world to know my baby's having a baby!

Turk and J.D. dance to the beat.

Carla: [To Elliot, over the noise] Maybe we should just take your car!

The band pauses and resumes with a beat that leads in to...

Act

Scene

SACRED HEART -- MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Turk and J.D. rush in the front door, carrying a small paper bag.

J.D.: 'Kay, ladies, we're here; calm down.

They meet up with Carla, Elliot, and Kim at the desk.

Carla: What the hell took you so long? [Noticing the bag] Oh, my God, did you stop for food?

Kim: [Gasps.]

Turk: We had to, honey. J.D. promised the band that we'd feed them.

FLASHBACK

FAST FOOD DRIVE-THRU -- EARLIER The whole band is lined up behind the mini, a couple drummers standing in the back seat (one lightly drumming), as J.D. orders from the squawk-box.

J.D.: Yeah, let me get twenty-three cheeseburgers, twenty-three milkshakes-- [turns to the drummer] Miguel, if you don't stop drumming, you're not getting fries. [Miguel stops.] [Back to the box] Twenty-three fri-- [Miguel starts again.] You know what, twenty-two fries. Twenty-two fries -- you didn't think I'd do it, did you.

BACK TO PRESENT

J.D.: Miguel has such raw talent, but his attitude keeps getting in the way.

The girls stare at him, incredulous.

Elliot: Unbelievable.

The Sullivan-Cox family comes in, Perry with a bouquet of flowers in hand.

Dr. Cox: Yay, congratulations, whoopee, all right, see ya.

He shoves the bouquet at Carla and starts to walk back out.

Jordan: [Stopping him] Eh eh eh eh eh. Heh heh.

He groans and takes Jack over to the chairs.

Jordan: We are so happy for you!

From nowhere, a spray of dirt hits Kim in the face, with some getting Elliot and Carla as well. Jack is revealed to have uprooted a potted plant, spinning in circles with the stalk.

Jack: [Unprofessional mumbling.] Subtitle: I'm a helicopter, I'm a helicopter, I'm a helicopter.

Kim: He's so sweet!

Jordan: Mm.

Kim: [Pulling J.D. aside] You put one of those inside me! What are we gonna do?

She goes off to clean up.

Carla: Turk, you brought my suitcase, right?

He stops and thinks.

Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT BUILDING The bag sits on the sidewalk.

Meanwhile... MATERNITY CENTER

Turk: Of course I have your suitcase, honey.

He turns from her and walks a few paces away, stopping in the middle of the waiting room and closing his eyes.

J.D.: What are you doing?

Turk: Sometimes when you need a miracle, you have to pray extra-extra hard. You wanna help me out?

J.D.: Fo' shizzle.

They hold hands and squeeze their eyes shut.

Meanwhile... TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT BUILDING A golden retriever happens upon the abandoned bag and picks it up in his mouth.

We follow him through the woods...

To the front doors of the hospital, where he carries the bag in.

Meanwhile... MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Turk and J.D. keep praying.

Turk: Please, Lord.

The dog comes in and drops the bag at their feet, then scampers off.

Just then, an unsavory fellow happens by and notices the guys' closed eyes. He takes the opportunity to steal the bag at their feet and run off.

The guys finally open their eyes and look around, disappointed.

Turk: Nothing! [Sighs, steeling himself] Okay. [Turns back to the desk] Baby! Changed my mind. Don't have your suitcase.

Carla: Turk! What the hell?

Elliot: It's okay. It's okay, Carla, because I [lifts a different bag] packed you an extra overnight bag, and you're all checked in, and I got you an orderly to take you to your room.

The orderly wheels the chair over to Jordan.

Jordan: Yeah, I'm only four months pregnant, ace.

Carla: Oh, yeah, I think you're looking for me.

Jordan: [To the orderly] Move it along before I eat you! Chop chop.

Scene

MATERNITY CENTER HALL Dr. Cox bangs on the unresponsive ice machine.

Dr. Cox: Ah. Sorry, Jack, the machine's broken. Looks like you're gonna have to guzzle your juice down without any ice. Pretend, um.... You know, pretend it's gin.

Jack: [Behind him] What's gin?

Dr. Cox: [Bending down to him] Gin is an alcoholic beverage which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.

Jack walks back towards the waiting room as Cox, snickering, stands back up to Jordan.

Jordan: First the fat lady, now this? He's three, Perry! Do you have to be so blunt with him?

Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna B.S. my own kid. What's the big deal?

Dr. Kelso stops on his way through and bends down to Jack.

Dr. Kelso: Hiya, sport!

Jack: Your skin is wrinkly.

Dr. Kelso: Yeah? Well that shirt you're wearing is gay!

He stands and walks off, grinning devilishly.

Scene

BIRTHING ROOM Elliot is at Carla's bedside as Turk rushes in with a camera on a tripod, which he sets up at the foot of the bed.

Turk: Hey, baby. I know things haven't exactly gone smoothly so far, but I promise you I'm about to make it up to you. I spent all weekend talking to my cousin who just so happens to be the world's biggest blerd. [They give him a questioning look.] It's a black nerd.

Elliot: Ohhh.

Turk: Anyway, he taught me everything about streaming video; and now, thanks to me, your sisters in Chicago will be able to witness the birth of our child live via webcam!

Carla: Turk! That's so sweet!

Turk: You know, I do what I do. All we gotta do is wait for the cameraman to get here.

Carla: Camera man? Nuh-uh! No man's gonna me filming my pooter unless he's completely asexual!

Ted: [Entering] Hello!

Carla: Oh! Hey, Ted! Cool.

Turk: All right. I'ma go tell your sisters that this bad boy is about to pop off.

He leaves, passing Carla's gynecologist on his way in.

Dr. Matthews: All right, Carla. Let's check how dilated you are.

Ted: [Positioning the camera] Looking real good, Carla. Okay, we're live in three, two, one....

Meanwhile... DOCTORS' LOUNGE Todd looks up at the TV which is suddenly broadcasting Dr. Matthews lifting Carla's sheet.

Dr. Matthews: [On TV] Okay. Looks like you're at about three centimeters.

Todd: Greatest show ever!

Meanwhile... DR. KELSO'S OFFICE He glances up at his TV.

Dr. Kelso: [Grabbing the remote] And...record.

Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS Janitor stops his mopping when he notices the TV.

Janitor: Cool! Swamp thing!

Meanwhile... MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Jack stares at the TV as Cox and Jordan sit reading.

Jack: What's that, daddy?

Dr. Cox: [Looking up] Oh, that's the vagina of a 35-year-old Latina woman.

Turk comes in and notices the TV.

Turk: Baby?

Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM In the midst of her deep breathing, Carla catches a glimpse of her TV and stops. She shimmies to the left...then the right...then all around.

Carla: What the!?!?

Suddenly, Turk bursts in, tackling Ted and the camera to the floor.

Scene

NURSES' STATION J.D. and Kim are at the desk.

Kim: J.D., we have to talk about all of our pregnancy options, even if they make us uncomfortable. There's one way of dealing with this that no one's mention yet.... The A-word.

J.D.: I know....

J.D.: Appletinis & Kim: Abortions.

Kim: What?

J.D.: I thought that we could discuss abortion over appletinis.

Nurse Roberts: [Scooting her chair over] Did somebody just say "abortion"?

J.D. points accusingly at Kim.

Kim: [Sighs.] Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business. Or Jesus's.

Nurse Roberts: [Plunking a Jesus statue on the desk] I believe He would beg to differ.

FANTASY

The statue comes to life.

Jesus: She's right, J.D. Every life is precious.

J.D.: But what if having this baby is a huge mistake for us?

Jesus: [Sighs and rubs his eyes] Okay, I'm gonna make this real simple: No abortions, okay?

J.D.: But what if--

Jesus: [Sing-songy] No abortions!

J.D.: Lemme finish! What if the parents were like abusive drug addicts who would neglect their kids?

Jesus: Oh, well, in that case it'd be okay.

J.D.: Really?

Jesus: NO ABORTIONS! How are you not getting this!?

BACK TO REALITY

Kim: This sucks. I mean, the hardest decision I've had to make in the last year was what hairstyle to get. And even then, all I did was open up an US Magazine, close my eyes and pick a random celebrity.

J.D.: Kirsten Dunst?

Kim: Owen Wilson.

J.D.: Ohhh!

Kim: Yeah.

They turn and walk down the hall together.

Kim: You know what's making this so hard? This relationship is so new, we can't tell if we have a chance of making this work long-term.

J.D.: You know what might give us an inkling? We haven't technically had sex yet. That might help us find out if we're on the same page...you know...in the boudoir.

Kim: Are you hitting on me?

J.D.: I'm sorry, I'm being an idiot, aren't I.

Kim: Nope. Clothes off. We're doing it.

She kicks open the On-Call Room door behind her and pulls him in.

J.D.: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!

The door slams shut. A few seconds later, it opens again.

J.D.: ...Yeah! [They come back out, tidying their unkempt selves.] All right, we are definitely sexually compatible. I'm putting that down in the pro-"let's have a baby" category.

Kim: That's--that's exactly what we should do -- we should make a list of pros and cons.

FANTASY

Jesus stands on the nearby handrail.

Jesus: What did you two just do? Because I sure don't see any wedding rings!

BACK TO REALITY

J.D. grabs and holds up the statue.

J.D.: Laverne? Is this your Jesus?

Scene

BIRTHING ROOM Elliot is rubbing Carla's back as she stares daggers at Turk. Todd enters.

Todd: Turk, I got your shift covered so you could hang here. Oh, and Carla, there's something I wanted to tell you.... Oh: Great vagina!

Turk: [Mad] So helpful!

Carla: Don't take it out on The Todd! He was just giving me a compliment! Thank you, Todd.

Todd: Hey, happy to say it.

He leaves.

Carla: So what's next, Turk? Because so far, I'm half deaf from a drum-line, I have no suitcase, and the entire hospital has seen Miss Priscilla! [Elliot gives her a look.] I named her after my high school art teacher.

Elliot: Oh, my God! So did I! [Sighs, nostalgic] Mr. Hebbler. [Gravel-voiced in imitation, to Carla's crotch] "It's nice to meet you!"

Carla: Ew.

Scene

DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Kim sit side by side on the couch, with notepads in their laps.

Kim: Okay, let me just read the last of the cons: We're not married, we're both totally focused on our careers, babies are known to be sticky, and the average cost of raising a child is four-hundred-thousand dollars.

J.D.: Okay. Here are the final pros: Kids are great --

Kim: Yes.

J.D.: -- we both make good money --

Kim: Yes.

J.D.: -- your boobs'll get huge --

Kim: True.

J.D.: -- I can finally buy Beanie Babies without feeling weird, and kids are great!

Kim: Which we already said.

J.D.: [Adding] Tax deductions!

Kim: Ohhh! Nice one! & J.D.: Ohhh! Yeah! That's some--

Kim: All right, so then what's the final tally?

J.D.: Nice. Let's see, that's twenty cons and nineteen pros. I guess we gotta abort.

Kim: Yep.

J.D.: Wait, I'm sorry. [Flicking his pad] That's an eyelash, I made a wish. It's a tie -- abortion's off.

Kim: Okay, so now what?

Matt Nathanson's "I Saw" starts.

J.D.'s Narration: Every couple has its share of problems.

Meanwhile... HALL The Sullivan-Cox family walks through.

Jordan: Congrats, Perry. My son just asked me if my vagina had ever been on television.

Dr. Cox: And did you tell him not since the late 'eighties when you were trying to make it as [air quotes] "an actress"?

J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's someone digging in...

Jordan: Will you just cut the crap and stop treating your son like he's your drinking buddy?

Dr. Cox: Look, I'm not going to change who I am, all right? End o' story. [Turns to his lagging kid] Jacky. [Whistles.]

Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM Elliot finishes lighting a bunch of candles spread around Carla's room.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or someone stealing your thunder.

Elliot: Okay, candles are all lit -- lavender scented, your favorite. And here's a picture of your mom to watch over you [places it on the table]. And then I've got this kit [lifts a big box] in case you want to bronze the umbilical cord and use it for a keychain. [Holds up a keychain] I practiced at home on some calamari.

Carla: [Admiring the keychain] Elliot, you're amazing.

Turk: We--hey, is there anything I can do to help?

Carla: Elliot's got everything covered.

Elliot smiles proudly. At a loss, Turk leaves the room.

♪ And I'll forget about you long enough to forget why I need to ♪

Meanwhile... DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Kim sit with their useless lists.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, nothing's worse than facing the biggest decision of your life and not getting anywhere.

Kim: [Pulling a coin from her pocket] Don't you wish it was this easy -- head's yes, tail's no.

She flips the coin in the air, and they watch it with great interest as it plummets to the table top.

♪ I swear I saw you opening up again / 'Cause I would be heavenly / if baby you'd just rescue me now ♪

The coin spins for an eternity before finally stopping -- right on its edge.

J.D.: You don't see that every day.

Kim looks off as J.D. desperately and futilely blows at the unbudging coin.

Act

Scene

DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Kim stare ahead (possibly still at the freaky coin).

Kim: [Snapping out of it] You know what? We're getting nowhere. Let's split up for an hour and do some soul-searching.

She stands.

J.D.: Where're you going?

Kim: Oh, I was just gonna walk around. Why? Where do you go when you soul-search?

J.D. looks off.

FLASHBACK

J.D.'S BEDROOM Tinkly spiritual music plays as J.D., in his jammies, whips the blanket off a 2- to 3-foot-tall stuffed unicorn. He sits on its back.

J.D.: All right, Justin. What should my specialty be, oncology or radiology?

He lowers his head to listen.

BACK TO PRESENT

J.D.: [Dreamily] I go someplace wonderful.

Scene

MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Dr. Cox sits next to Jordan, trying to read the paper as she natters on.

Jordan: Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?

She continues, but is drowned out by...

Dr. Kelso: [Stopping next to Cox] What the hell's with her?

Dr. Cox: She's mad. But she can't give me the silent treatment because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the talk-until-I-want-to-commit-suicide treatment.

Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.

Dr. Cox: You have no idea.

Kelso continues on.

Jordan: [Continuing] ...What else do I need for that? Oh, I need new pillow shams. And I--I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean, and I hate ironing. [Cox takes a huge bite out of his newspaper.] Maybe we need a new housekeeper. Maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now.

Meanwhile... ACROSS THE ROOM Turk, Elliot, and Keith are standing together.

Turk: Look, Elliot, I'm really trying to be involved in the birth of my child, but you just keep boxing me out.

Elliot: That is not true. Now, outta my way -- I've gotta order the birth announcements, put in the carseat, and find a yard to bury the placenta. [Realizing] Oh, my God, I'm a monster! Turk, I am so sorry -- I just love babies so much.

Keith: It's true. Sometimes she makes me wear a diaper.

Elliot: Keith! Private!

Cut to... HALL -- ICE MACHINE Turk and J.D. are here.

J.D.: So what is Elliot's plan?

Turk: Ah, it's really simple: See, when Carla says "I'm thirsty," Elliot'll say, "Oh no, I forgot the ice chips." That's when I walk in, ice in hand, and I say, "Christopher Turk, at your cervix!"

J.D.: Ahh! Should I have a baby, too?

Turk: You know, I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn?

J.D.: [Dreamy] Ah, this is way over Justin's head. He's never been in love. Not real love, anyway.

Turk: [Bangs on the machine] What's up with the ice?

Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM Kim is in here with Elliot and Carla.

Kim: I don't know what to do. I mean, having a baby can completely ruin your life, you know? Not to mention, as a urologist, I have seen what childbirth can do to you down there. Heh. I mean, I examined this one woman last month and it was like [imitating echo] "Hello...hello...hello...hello..."

Carla: [Clutching Elliot's hand through a contraction] Not a good time, Kim! [Flops back on the bed, panting] Oh, God, I'm thirsty!

Elliot: Really? [Stilted] Uh.... Unfortunately...I forgot the ice chips. [Looks over at the empty doorway.] ICE CHIPS!

Meanwhile... HALL -- ICE MACHNIE Turk has his hand jammed inside the dispenser.

Turk: Dude, help! I'm totally stuck!

J.D.: Why don't you just yank it out?

Leonard, the hook-handed security guard, walks past.

Leonard: [Pointing his hook] I would not do that.

Turk &: [Epiphanic] That's how it happened! J.D.

Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM Elliot helps Carla through another contraction.

Elliot: [Screaming out to the hall] Ice chips! Ice chips! Ice ice! Chips chips!

Keith enters.

Keith: Hey, guys. Carla, let me just see how far you can reach here. [Stretches out her arm, her fist just short of his face.] Okay, perfect. Turk would like you to call him because he's stuck in an ice machine.

Carla: What?!?!

She takes a swing at him, but misses.

Keith: [To Kim] See, that's why I took the precaution. Heh. [Carla grabs his hand and pulls him down into a headlock] Whooaah!

Carla: Kim, would you be a sweetie and give Turk a call for me?

Kim: [Taking the phone] Yes, ma'am.

Meanwhile... HALL -- ICE MACHINE Turk and J.D. are sitting on the floor in front of the machine.

Turk: [On his phone] Hey, baby, look, I-- ... Yeah, he--he's right here. ... Hold on. [Hands his phone to J.D.] She won't talk to me.

J.D.: [Into phone] Hi. ... Yes, I know he missed your wedding, too. ... All right, hold on. [Slaps Turk across the face.] That was from her, not me.

Turk: Go.

J.D. stands, passing the phone to the Janitor.

Janitor: [Into phone] Relax, I'll have him out in one second. [Puts the phone down, kneeling down next to Turk with a handsaw.] All right, hold still -- nobody likes a jagged stump.

Turk: NOOO!

Janitor: [Taking up the phone again] He's being unreasonable. ... Okay.

He puts down the saw and slaps Turk across the face.

Turk: Aaaaaggghhh!

Janitor brings his hand back and slaps Turk across the other cheek.

Turk: Oh!

Janitor: That was from me.

Scene

MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Kim is sitting by herself, lost in thought. J.D. comes in and takes a seat next to her.

J.D.: Hey there.

Kim: Hey.

J.D.: So...you decided what you wanna do? [Before she can answer] You know what, neither one of us should have to go first. How about, on the count of three, we both say what we think we should do.

Kim: Okay.

J.D.: One, two, three.

Kim: I got nothing. & J.D.: Appletinis.

Jordan: [From a nearby chair, with Jack in her lap] So, you guys gonna keep it?

Kim: Um, maybe...we--well, if we do--we can--then we...maybe not. & J.D.: Um, we don't--prob--well, there's a lot to con--because--we'll probably...maybe not.

Jordan: You know, I had an abortion.

Before J.D. and Kim can recover from that admission enough to respond, Cox walks in.

Dr. Cox: All right, Jacky, as promised, let's go find ourselves a li'l stethoscope so you can hear what your butt sounds like.

Jack: Daddy, what's an abortion?

Jordan: Enjoy.

Cox picks Jack out of Jordan's lap.

Follow to... ADMISSIONS Cox carries Jack in, stopping at the front desk in front of a couple nurses.

Jack: My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion --

Dr. Cox: [Grabbing a stethoscope] How you doin'?

He goes on, leaving the nurses to give each other a confused look.

Jack: -- My mommy had an abortion...

Cut to... BIRTHING ROOM Elliot is on the cell phone as Carla strains.

Elliot: [Into phone] Okay, Janitor, Carla's starting to push -- tell Turk.

Meanwhile... HALL -- ICE MACHINE Janitor has the phone at his ear as his sits on the floor next to the trapped Turk.

Janitor: [To Elliot] Got it. [To Turk] Your baby has a tail.

Turk: I told her to stay away from the microwave.

Meanwhile... BIRTHING ROOM

Carla: [Falling back] Ahhh! Elliot, I can't do it!

Elliot: Okay, okay. I want you to imagine that your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste, and you're just trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel. But instead of minty fresh gel inside, there's a little black baby.

Carla takes a swing at her, which Elliot quickly dodges.

Dr. Matthews: [To the nurse] We have a prolapsed umbilical cord. She needs a C-section right now.

They quickly start getting Carla ready to be moved.

Carla: [Grabbing the cell phone] Put Turk on the phone, dammit!

Elliot: It's okay!

Carla: [Into phone] Baby! Listen. I'm not angry that you got stuck -- I know you were just trying to be nice, because you're a good-hearted, wonderful, thoughtful man. [They start wheeling her out.] But listen to me: They're giving me a C-section, and I'm really scared. And I need you to be here right now!

Meanwhile... HALL -- ICE MACHINE Turk apparently missed all that, because it's the Janitor who still has the phone.

Janitor: [To Turk] Something about a C-section. [Holds up the phone] Smile!

Turk gives him an incredulous look as Janitor sticks out his tongue to the phone's camera and snaps a picture of the two of them.

Cut to... HALL / NURSES' STATION The nurses all plug their ears from the horrible screeching noise made by Turk and Janitor pushing the ice machine across the floor towards the O.R.

Turk: [Grunts] Almost there.

Janitor: Almost there.

They finally slide the back of the machine against the wall at the door of the O.R.

Turk: Baby! I'm here!

Inside, Carla lays on the table as the doctors bustle around preparing her.

Carla: Turk! I'm scared!

Nurse: [Closing the door] Sorry, Dr. Turk. No ice machines.

Turk: Noo!

Scene

MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Jordan occupies a seat next to J.D. and Kim.

Jordan: [Dreamily nostalgic] I was nineteen and working on Nantucket as a waitress, and dating this amazing guy named Andy...with curly blond hair and dimples and eyes that were either sky blue...powder blue -- I could never figure out which.... Anyway, his best friend, Curt, knocked me up. [J.D.'s and Kim's smiles disappear.] Don't look at me like that. That was the first guy I had ever slept with.

J.D.: Oh, we're not judging you.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Whore!

Jordan: I think about it from time to time, but it would have been the biggest mistake to have that baby.

Kim: We've talked, we've made lists, and we've been as logical as we can here, and we've still got nothin'.

Jordan: It's not a logical decision. If it's right, you'll feel it in your heart.

J.D.: Yeah, but what if we don't feel anything?

Jordan: Maybe that's your answer.

J.D.'s pager goes off and he looks at the display.

J.D.: Carla's having a C-section.

He and Kim stand and head off. Jordan drops her eyes in thought as Dr. Cox carries Jack in.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, you...you okay?

Jack: My mommy had an abortion.

Jordan: She sure did, sweetie. [Cox and Jack sit down next to her.] How are my boys?

A pensive look gathers on Cox's face.

Scene

HALL -- OUTSIDE THE O.R. Turk peeks through the window in the door as J.D. comes up behind him.

J.D.: What's going on?

Turk: They're about to start.

J.D. peeks over Turk's shoulder through the window. Dr. Kelso stops on his way past, noticing the ice machine predicament.

Dr. Kelso: Turkleton! If you are trying to get the same five million dollar settlement that damn hook-handed security guard got, you're outta luck, stud. Because I put a little release button right here on top.

He pushes the button and a stream of ice pours out of the dispenser, releasing Turk's blue hand in the process.

Turk: [Seeing his hand] Waaaaagggghhhh!

Dr. Kelso: Well, what are you waiting for, son? Get in there.

Turk turns and rushes into the room, where Carla is groggy but conscious.

Turk: [Kissing her head] How you doin', beautiful?

Carla: Turk, you're here...! I'm so hot....

Turk: Oh, don't sweat it. I got ya.

He puts his ice-cold blue hand on her forehead.

Carla: Aaaahhhhh....

Foo Fighters' "Miracle" comes up.

Cut to... MATERNITY CENTER WAITING ROOM Elliot comes in, where all the friends are gathered.

Elliot: Guys. I have an announcement.

A drumroll starts.

J.D.: [To the drumming band member in the corner] Miguel, please!

Miguel stops.

Elliot: The baby's out, but the cord was wrapped around its neck, so...we had to take it to the NICU.

J.D.'s Narration: They say you never realize your capacity to love until you have a child. It can change who you are...

Jack: [Turning to his dad] Where do babies come from?

Dr. Cox: "Where do babies come from?" Well.... [Looks at Jordan for a moment, then back to Jack] When a mommy and a daddy love each other very, very much, sometimes they close their eyes...and they make a wish.

Jordan smiles.

Turk comes down the hall, entering the waiting room.

♪ I got my hands on a miracle ♪

J.D.'s Narration: ...they can fill you with joy...

Turk: [Holding up his baby] Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Isabella Turk. I'm a daddy. [Laughs.] I'm a daddy!

Everyone happily stands and applauds. The suddenly-present marching band plays a celebratory beat.

♪ I got my hands on a miracle / And there ain't no way / Let you take it away ♪

J.D.'s Narration: ...it can even give your heart the answer you thought you'd never find.

J.D.: [Turning to Kim] Let's do this.

Kim enthusiastically nods and kisses him.

The song fades. Fade to black.

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