The following is the transcript for the Scrubs episode "His Story IV"
J.D.'s narration: Everyone had gathered, because today was Carla's first day back since she had the baby.
Elliot: She's coming! This is not a drill, repeat. This is not a drill.
Turk: Remember, one group says "Welcome", one group says "back", one group says "Carla". Ok, get ready, let's go! Elliot?
Elliot: Fine, it was a drill. But I just want us to be ready. - Oh, you gotta be kidding me. - Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Carla: Hey everyone! Okay, let's have it. Back, Carla, back!
Turk: Dammit, people! - It's ok, baby. - No, it's not ok! One more time, go!
Carla: Hey, everyone. Welcome Back, Carckle Who the hell came up with "pickle"?!
J.D.: I did. If you call Carla pickle, I can call Isabella "Little Gurken". I need this.
Carla: Actually babe, I'm just heading back home. It turned out my maternity leave doesn't end until next week.
Turk: Ooh, pickle, I'm sorry.
Kelso: What is all this fuss about nurse Turkleton returning? She's only been gone six days.
Cox: She's been gone 6 weeks, Bobo. But wait, before I make you look like a complete idiot, we'd all like to thank you for setting up the new employee discount of copydump. Gang! - Cheers! - Pickle!
Kelso: Stop, if it had taken any effort I wouldn't have done it. And I mean that. I really do.
Cox: And back to insulting you, she's been gone 6 weeks, Bobo, the 6 days that you're referring to are the 6 days you actually worked this month.
J.D.'s narration: Dr. Cox was right. This year Dr. Kelso had gotten a little lazy. There was the way he handled requests.
Kelso: Thanks. I'm working to it.
J.D.'s narration: Or how he found a way to eliminate any facetime with the patients.
Kelso: Welcome to Sacred Heart, Mr. Hartly. I'm Chief of Medicine, dr. Bob Kelso. I see you're here for a Vasectomy. Enjoy your stay. Ted, you half-wit, don't forget the tape.
Ted: How does he always know?
J.D.'s narration: He didn't even bothered to learn the new interns' names.
Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: Debbie is actually my name.
Kelso: Then our reference is to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagathor I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.
J.D.'s narration: I always wondered what he did in his office all day.
Kelso: Human Magic 8 Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend.
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Kelso: I said, should I play golf?
Ted: Ask again later. Why would I say that?
J.D.'s narration: My daydreams are crazy.
J.D.'s narration: Since Elliot bought a house, I had to look for a place to live. Time to get out of my head and into an apartment.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso.
Kelso: I actually don't mind that goofy bastard, if he were gay he would be perfect for my son. Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom. All my little worker bees, buzzing buzzbuzzbuzz I love making that sound. Buzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you've pretended she's invisible. So don't break, strike!
Elliot: Hey! Skittle-a-dee, skittle-a-doo! Dr. Kelso. What if this isnt', Nurse Buzzkiller. - Good morning, nurse Roberts. -
Laverne: Carla's gone, another week. We need a substitute Head Nurse.
Kelso: Laverne, from now on if you need something just take care of it yourself. In fact, all of you should hear this. I believe that it was Robin Zender, of "Cheap Trick", who said "I want you to want me", well if I sang that song it would go "I don't want you to want me". Skittle-a-dee, skittle-a-doo! Time to visit my one random patient of the day, and then it's off to the office and a loo lappy damper. Brian Dancer has high dull suffer, so ok, turn on the down-home, crapulon. Hey there, young. Hella. Holla. Bob Kelso here. I understand that since your head wound, you have some short term memory loss.
Headwound? No, I'm just kidding, Doctor ... Ah, see, now I'm embarrassed because that one's real.
Kelso: That doesn't matter, son. Bob Kelso, write it down, dammit! So, I see you're in the Service.
Yessir, Private Brian Dancer.
Kelso: Private Dancer? Tough name. Must had your share of big dance. - How d'you hurt your noggin?
Brian: An I. E. D. got our transport vehicle, I accidentally left a couple of chunks of my skull in Baghdad.
Kelso: Iraq! You know how controversial that topic is, Bob, quick, change the subject. So, Pluto's not a planet anymore, what's up with that? Well played, Bobby. Lord knows you've seen this hot button topics before.
Elliot: Oh, please Laverne. Global warming? Here's an inconvenient truth for you. Nobody cares.
Carla: So you think it's OK to just kill animals for sport?
Janitor: If it serves or use for purpose, yes I do. Salt? Crack black pepper? Thank you, Bingo.
Kelso: Well, I'll check on you later, son. Yep, Iraq is just the type of devicing subject, that would spread around this damn hospital like wildfire.
Cox: Poor kid, said he's blown off, all for nothing.
Laverne: All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.
Cox: Ooh, so that's why we're over there. Here I thought it was a rude act of terrorism, or was it for the oil? Or for mama Hussein secret Falafel recipe I've been ashklashf Gosh, that hard to keep track.
Todd: Dude, I hear they have laws that make women completely cover their bodies, when around in public. The war in I-raq? Try the war to C-rack. [the bra sustaining part] Do you get it, Turk? All the terrorists want to do is kill you. They want to kill you.
Turk: Elliot, if you - Kill you!
J.D.: You guys, in case I find an apartment I like I need someone to write a reference for me.
Elliot: J. D. , we're in the middle of something. Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neo-conservative conspiracy to perpetuate with the american - cultural/economical imperialism! - What do you think, JD?
J.D.: Can you excuse me a second?! Did you bring her back in stubbing a newspapers?
Turk: Carla is making me normally up when I go near things after the funnies. Oh, of course the funnies! The funnies don't count, by the way dream what would i do today? Can you believe your pizza delivery guy outbowl is a tip? No, but that's what's going about Marmaduke is always sticking on his feet. - I think you mean "pause". - No! -Shh! - Shh! Sorry! - Let's keep it real. - Jeez. -
Elliot: Well, JD, the war? - I don't have time for this, Elliot. I have to find an apartment. If you get the chance, read the Boone Docks. Man, that little kid hates hunkies! Ha ha! Who doesn't?!
Janitor: Typical Dorian. Running away from an argument you know nothing about. - I know all about the war. -
Janitor: Really? Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart? Guess i get lost. I'll give you a hand. It's not the countryship like a boot.
J.D.: That's Iraq. - That's China. - You're China.
Janitor: Some outrageous accusation. Need salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?
Brian: So, this is a picture of my unit after we secured the bridge outside ofof Fallujah. Andoh, here's my unit when we're playing poker. Andwheewuhm This is aa picture of my unit. I was gonna send it to my girlfriend but she broke up with me.
Kelso: Well, send it to her anyway. She should know what she's missing. Sir?
Kelso: I like this kid. He gets me. No, i was in the Navy. It's important to remember the good men that you serve with. That's why i carry around a a little reminder of my buddy Johhny. - Would you like to see it? - Sure.
Kelso: Fantastic! And Johhny got a tattoo on the same cheek that says "Bobby". He probably doesn't regret that at all.
Kelso: No, you just can't find that kind of bond in civilian life. Although I've often wondered what my life would be like if I'd stayed in the Service.
- "Up Where we Belong" from "An officer and a gentleman" in Vietnamian * * "Up Where we Belong" in Vietnamian *
Kelso: I would have asked to be stationed in South East Asia for the food.
Laverne: You goin' crap wise all you lots. But all the boys over there are doing the Lord's will.
Cox: And when you say Lord you mean Halliburton, right?
Elliot: Ok, who here thinks democracy is worth fighting for? - Me! - I do! - Yeah! - Oh yeah! Who here thinks we were manipulated by false claims of WMDs ? We're here! - We do! - Me!
Elliot: Neat. Everyone's sitting on the appropriate side.
Laverne: Ted, what do you think? - I think both sides have valid points.
Cox: Why d'you take a stand, Swept Balls?
Cox: Oh, you liberals survey and every american agrees with you, that's why Jonh Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides.
Turk: Oh, my God. Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
Elliot: You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this, anymore. Yes, I'm a Republican. - Me too! - Me too.
Keith: Elliot! Me too. President Reagan? Should be on or under Bob Dole? How about another time? - WHat do you think about Hillary?
Keith: I hate that bitch.
Kelso: Oh! Hot dog, 2. 15, thunder values There comes a time talking to young Private Dancer, though. You've seen your shirt, Private Dancer, haven't you, kid? Hm hm. Sure have, Bob. Sure have.
Kelso: What is it, Slugathor? - Uhm, Dr. Kelso, i've a patient who has a Mild's fever, but I don't know who to talk to, beacuse everyone's arguing.
Kelso: Sluggy, if you want to get people's attention you've got to be more aggressive or more attractive, pick one. I should keep an eye on that.
- Cox and Nurse Roberts arguing* *Cox and Nurse Roberts arguing* See, a hospital *Elliot and Turk arguing* is a complex machine, *Cox and Nurse Roberts arguing* *Cox and Nurse Roberts arguing* ??? and when a device hit issue rears its end Balls can be dropped.
and the ones who end up suffering the most are the one that we are here to protect.
Kelso: Good morning Private Dancer Son?! Get respiratory for a blood-gas and set up for a lumbar puncture!
Laverne: He's stable.
Kelso: Whose fault is this? * Turk, Elliot and Cox exculpating *
Kelso: They need a leader Bob, give them one. That's enough!
Kelso: I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!
Cox: Just a second on the yelling there Bob. Do you think you can actually be an absentee chief of medicine and still matter? Let me see if I can make this real clear for you. If this hospital were a human body, you'd be the appendix because at one time you served some function, but it was so long ago, nobody is quite sure what that was anymore. Excuse us, we're gonna talk it out over here.
Kelso: Well, you've got what you asked for, Bob. They don't need you. Hey, son. How're you doing?
Brian: Well, even though no one ever comes every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a little better.
Kelso: That's morphine.
Brian: That explains it. Hey, uhm, thanks for checkin' in on me. You're all like my Sergeant. Sergeant Bourne. He was hands-on, too. Always trying to be in the game.
Kelso: That's how you get people around you to listen to you, Bob. Be like this kid's Sergeant, and get back in the game. Right after you follow that cupcake, if she'd put it down for even a second it's yours! No! Now, dammit!
J.D.: Hey, buddy, You've found an apartment yet? No, man, i feel like an idiot so I've been reading up on this whole Iraq war situation. You know what's so messed up? I just got to the power President Bush gave his "mission accomplished" speech on a battleship, and i still got like 400 more pages to go. Hey, uhm, i gotta go.
Kelso: All right, listen up people. I am here to roll at my sleeves and put an end to all this nonsense so that we can go back to work.
Cox: We are working. You see, even though we currently despise each other, we're professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand despite the fact that she is a heartless "red state" supporting , NRA backing, illegal immigrant hating self-righteous missing form dope essentially Karl Rove with smaller boobs.
Elliot: And I can help out Dr. Cox, even though he got a punch demming his piss on the government until Jabar's cropped this team a condo of anthrax, NPR-listening Al-Franken face.
Janitor: You know if you're really serious about helping out I can use a hand of my to-do list I need to clean the toilets? I'm just tired of staring at that. Good-bye. I need the Tivo crossing over V-Jap networks, i need to turn a cat into a spice rack, and I need to return this thing to the patient in 307. All doable, don't need you. Thanks!
Kelso: So, nobody needs any help.
Laverne: When is your wife coming back to work? I'm drowning here without the Head Nurse.
Kelso: Ok, ladies, I posted your room assignments on the board and we'll pass out the new weekly schedules before your shifts are over. Being a nurse isn't so bad.
Laverne: What did you think it would be like?
Cox: We're losing him. BP's falling. Nurse Kelso I need 1mg of Now nurse, now! * "Up Where we Belong" from "An officer and a gentleman" in Vietnamian *
Cox: Way to go Bob, way to go! That a boy!
Kelso: I'm sorry what was the question? Jumbo Latte for Dr. Reid, with the employee discount. - YEAAAH! - YEAAAH! - Employee's discount - YEAAH! Uhm, neat.
Cox: Would you like to see something else that's really neat? Check out to this quote written on your cup.
Elliot: "I enjoy laughing at poor people" Elliot Reid - April 2006 When I said that, I was watching "Good Time"!
Cox: That's gonna be on every Jumbo Cup for a month, courtesy of my anti-war peeps. Can I get a hell HEAH? HELL YEAH!! OH YEAH!!
Elliot: Typical lame liberal tactic, taking something out of context in order to defame someone's integrity. Am I right my pro-war amigos? - YEAH!! - OH YEAH!!
Janitor: Gods, there seems to be a lot of high volume over enthusiastic opinion sharing, going on today. I think I'll join it. - Employee discount! - OH YEAAAH!
Turk: OkI'veI've seen enough. - Replying that.
Elliot: Uhm, consider that a little gift from Nurse Roberts' nephew, Corporal Roberts. Hell, yeah!
Kelso: Ok, Janice I'm going to need you to make sure Mr. Jeffers gets his meds, and FYI, don't lean over him, he's handsy. And Denise, could you do me a major large and cover Jessica's shift this weekend? I have to have a pap smear. Have you seen Georgina lately? She looks like she's been eating for two.
Oh, stop it! - You stop it.
Cox: Oh, Nurse Kelso, ooh, purple is not your color. Listen, could you con out the housekeeping and maybe send up some fresh scrubs for me and--psst, come here. Please put on a bra, you're distracting some of the other doctors.
Kelso: Let him joke, you look spippy and you're doing great.
Why did he tell me to give meds to Mr. Jeffers? I did that five minutes ago.
Laverne: Girl, just humor him. He'll be outta here, eventually.
Kelso: Private, I'm gonna let you hand on a little secret. That you were never in the navy, and Johnny is your husband?
Kelso: If only. I love you, Johnny. Your fighting in that war has provoked some pretty heated argument amongst the staff. See, the thing is they think they can just put their squabbles in a box that won't affect their work. But they're wrong. I mean judging from the coffee stains on Dr. Cox's scrubs and the quote on this coffee cup attributed to Dr. Reid
Brian: "My bagingo's on fire" May 2004 What's a "Bagingo"?
Kelso: Eventually, your page is gonna go unreturned your test isn't gonna get run as quickly as they should have been, and sounds like kids like yourself gonna pay the price. What bothers me about it, is that I know this is going on, but there's nothing I can do to change it.
Brian: Why not?
Kelso: Let's just say that 'round here I'm not as loved as your sergent was.
Brian: We hated Sgt. Bourne.
Kelso: Come again?
Brian: Yeah, he demeaned us, overworked us. Still, maybe sometimes that's what being a good leader is uniting everybody by giving them someone to hate.
Kelso: All right, listen up gang. I'm only going to say this once. All right Bob, time to bring it home From this point on there will be no more employee discounts, here. Everyone pays full price, except for me, of course. Where's my Jumbo latte?
Cox: You mind telling us why?
Kelso: Why the hell not? That ought to do it. [ people complaining ]
J.D.: Since I've spent this afternoon researching the war in Iraq, I couldn't wait to dive right into the spirit of debate.
Cox: What a jackass! Come on, no one wants to debate Iraq with me?
Janitor: I'll debate Iraq with you.
J.D.: Prepare to be dazzled.
Janitor: Ok, in my opinion we should be looking for Bin Laden in Pakistan.
J.D.: You've that globe nearby?
J.D.'s narration: In life it seems we all have a role to play. Some of us are meant to be loved, and some of us, unfortunately, are meant to be hated.
Kelso: Good night minions, Slugathor.
J.D.'s narration: For Dr. Kelso, he wouldn't have it any other way. [love, TN] [ Kelso singing nonsense ]