5x19-Computer malfunctions

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "His Story III".

Scene 1

Open: Turk's and Carla's Apartment. J.D. is painting a mural on the wall.

J.D.'s Narration: Turk and Carla were converting my old bedroom into a nursery, so I helped paint a mural for the new baby.

(Turk and J.D. step back to admire the mural as Carla enters.)

Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Done.

Carla: Oh, hell no.

(The mural is of Optimus Prime battling Megatron with laser guns.)

Carla: Is that big, ugly one shooting laser beams into the crib?

Turk: That's Optimus Prime, and I don't think he'd appreciate you calling him the big, ugly one.

J.D.: No, he wouldn't.

Turk: No, he wouldn't.

J.D.: Not Optimus.

Turk: Secondly, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb into bed with us. That's what I did with my mom.

Carla: What do you mean "did?" J.D., last Christmas I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling in bed.

J.D.'s Narration: Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.

Turk: I think you're just jealous because your mom's dead.

J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break.

Carla: No, no no no, you're going to finish building that crib like you promised, and you are driving to the cemetery, cleaning up my mom's grave and asking her for forgiveness.

Turk: I hate having to ask for forgiveness.

(Cut Turk's and Carla's apartment - bedroom, nighttime.)

Carla: How's my mom doing?

Turk: I asked her if she still hated me and the sprinklers came on.

Carla: Give her time. She's only been dead for three years.

Turk: But, baby, it's too soon to be putting a nursery together, or test driving minivans, or buying baby monitors.

J.D.: [over baby monitor] I can't get this crib together. And would somebody please bring me a glass of water?

Carla: You go this time.

(Cut to nursery. Turk brings J.D. a glass of water.)

J.D.: Thank you.

J.D.'s Narration: Thinking about Turk and Carla becoming parents made me think about my own mom, and how much she probably misses me. I bet she wishes she could see what life is like around here through my eyes.

(Cut to hospital entrance. J.D. enters with a large video camera on top of his head.)

J.D.'s Narration: And that's why I strapped my video camera on top of my head.

Lonnie: Morning, weirdo.

J.D.: Lonnie.

J.D.'s Narration: It was the perfect idea. She got to meet my superiors.

(Cut to cafeteria, head camera POV. Dr. Kelso waves to the camera and drops a large number of ice cream sandwiches.)

Dr. Kelso: Sorry, the old man stole some ice cream.

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

J.D.'s Narration: I even got some great footage of Dr. Cox.

(Cut to head cam POV.)

Dr. Cox: Where the hell have you been?

(Cut to 3rd person. J.D. takes the camera off his head.)

J.D.: I'm making a video postcard. Do you have a message for my mom?

Dr. Cox: No, but since she brought you into this world, I have a message for her uterus.

(Cut to head cam POV. Dr. Cox slaps the lens.)

Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don't do that anymore.

(Cut to 3rd person.)

J.D.: She had a hysterectomy last month. I'm sure I can just edit over that part.

Dr. Cox: Let's go see Mr. McNair.

J.D.'s Narration: Mr. McNair had locked-in syndrome. A paralysis so severe that he could only communicate through a computer that responds to his eye movements.

(Dr. Cox and J.D. enter Mr. McNair's room.)

Dr. Cox: Check his vitals, Ava.

Mr. McNair: Why does he call you a girl's name?

J.D.: Oh, thank you for asking, Mr. MacNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is the closer he feels to a person, the more he means to push them away. So when he calls me Ava, he's actually saying "J.D., I care about you." Vulnerable people, like...

Mr. McNair: [interrupting] Oh my God. I get it now. Carol...Carol...Carol...Carol...Carol...

(Mr. McNair's computer keeps saying "Carol" like a broke record.)

J.D.: Now you're being a jerk...jerk...jerk...jerk! JERK!

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Newbie!

J.D.: What?

Dr. Cox: I'm relatively certain the computer is broken.

J.D.: My bad.

(Cut to hospital exterior. J.D. sits on a bench, with his camera on his head again.)

J.D.: I felt bad for Mr. McNair, but I was off until six tonight, so I decided to grab a quick nap in the sun.

(Cut to head cam POV. Janitor walks by, whistling. He stops when he sees J.D. He looks around, then looks at the camera before grinning and capturing J.D. in a garbage bag.)

J.D.: What the...whoa!


Scene 2

Open: Admissions Area.

Turk: Where the hell is J.D.?

Carla: He's off until six.

Turk: You know any second now he's going to come walking through that door all lost in his thoughts.

(Janitor enters.)

Janitor's Thoughts: With Dorian taken care of, I'm not sure how I should spend my day. I suppose I could clean. Hee hee hee, God, help me, that one still makes me laugh. Oh, no. It's Black Kojak and Scary Nurse Wife. I'll get rid of them with an innocuous compliment.

Janitor: You are glowing.

Janitor's Thoughts: Free and clear.

Turk: Have you seen J.D.?

(Cut to J.D., in a dark place, up to his chest in water.)

J.D.: Where am I? Hello? Anyone?

(Cut to outside. J.D. is locked in a water tower.)

Janitor: No. Don't know where he is.

Janitor's Thoughts: Man, I love that adrenaline rush you get from lying to someone's face. Do it again!

(Dr. Kelso enters.)

Janitor: Dr. Kelso, I must say, your nose hairs are not the least bit long and creepy like most old guys.

Dr. Kelso: Thank you.

(Janitor exits. Dr. Cox enters in a Red Wings jersey..)

Dr. Kelso: Hey, Perry, great shirt! I wish I'd thought of athletic apparel when I went through my mid-life crisis. It would have been a hell of a lot less expensive than a cigarette boat named "Dr. Feelgood."

(Dr. Kelso exits. Turk laughs.)

Dr. Cox: That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro.

Turk: "Bro?" Dude, bros don't even use "bro." You're not as hip as you think you are.

Dr. Cox: And you are?

Turk: I'm black. God knew my people would go through some struggles, so He gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate. Just like He knew white people would be rhythmically challenged, so He gave y'all this dance.

(Turk does a cheesy dance.)

Dr. Cox: You're black? Because last I checked, you had a nerdy, white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond and you damn sure act like a black guy, and these, my friend, are all characteristics of a white guy. Please understand, I'm a big supporter of the NAACP, and if you don't know that stands for, it is the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the "Colored People" to "African Americans" but then, of course, it wouldn't be the NAACP. It would be the N-Quad-A, or NAAAA, and I know this probably sounds like digression, but it actually leads me back to my original point. Do I think you're black? NAAAAAAHH!

(Cut to Mr. McNair's room. A nurse enters.)

Nurse: Knock, knock!

(Janitor enters, watching from the window.)

Janitor's Thoughts: Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead, who? You have a mophead.

Nurse: Well, your new computer should be here tonight.

(Nurse exits. Janitor enters.)

Janitor: She got out of here in a hurry, didn't she? I know what that's like, when people just say the bare minimum to you. But with me, it's usually "mop that floor," "clean that counter," "stop provoking that bear." Want me to keep you company? I mean, I don't mind. I'm just working on my own stuff anyway.

(Janitor sits in a chair.)

Janitor: I'm a bit of an inventor. Let me show you my latest one. Pen straw.

(Janitor takes a pen from his pocket, puts it into a can of pop and takes a sip.)

Janitor: Perfect. Except I don't like that cola. Tastes like ink. But that's just one. I got a million ideas.

(Cut to another patient's room. A tray of food has been spilled. Elliot is on the phone.)

Elliot: I don't care if you're on the first floor. I need this cleaned up right now!

(Janitor appears outside on a vacuum-cleaner-turned-hovercraft.)

Janitor: I'm here! Time to open up the window!

Elliot: That was quick.

(Cut to Mr. McNair's room.)

Janitor: I call it the Hover Hoover. Where suction meets the sky.

(Cut to Nurses' Station. Elliot is talking to the interns.)

Elliot: That's a very good question. It's just the problem is that I've already answered it five times.

(Dr. Kelso enters.)

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, would you mind explaining why you called the chief of surgery to consult on a cellulitis patient yesterday?

Elliot: I wasn't even here yesterday.

Dr. Kelso: Yeah, but your interns were. And their mistakes are your mistakes. Whether it's an unnecessary consult or that young man's ridiculous haircut.

Intern: This cost 60 dollars.

Dr. Kelso: Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

Elliot: Darn it, you guys, I'm sick and tired of all your careless mistakes. Lisa, why isn't this GI bleeder on telemetry? And, Keith, I know that you had a twelve hour shift yesterday, put that is no excuse for not turning in your patient histories.

Keith: Elliot, you dragged me to dinner and then made me play Scrabble all night.

Elliot: How you spend your private life isn't my responsibility, OK?

Keith: Fine, I'll do them tonight.

Elliot: Oh, you can't. You're taking me to the movies. Get on the ball, Keith! All of you, go work.

(The interns exit. Carla enters.)

Carla: Wow. Aren't you the big, bad-ass attending?

Elliot: Yeah, well, it's time for them to sink or swim. I got to where I am on my own, OK?

Carla: Nobody helped you out in the beginning, huh?

Elliot: Dr. Cox was my attending. He was nice enough to keep track of the number of times he made me cry.

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: 27, counting this morning.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

Elliot: Hm. Yeah, I'm PMS-ing and he made fun of my shoes.

(Cut to the parking lot. Turk and others are playing basketball.)

Dr. Cox: Laverne? What are you doing out here?

Laverne: Well, tonight's date night with Mr. Roberts, and I like to prime the pump by watching the young men sweat.

Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.

Turk: Hey, Dr. Cox, if I wasn't a black man, could I do this?

(Turk shoots the ball and scores.)

Turk: That's game, all right? That's game. You got next?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I got next.

Turk: Well, I should warn you, they call me the candy man because my moves are so sweet.

Todd: Yeah, and they call me the pig because I say sexist and derogatory things to women.

Laverne: Lonnie! Play with Dr. Cox.

(Lonnie enters, wearing a mouth guard and face mask.

Lonnie: Let's go!

(Todd and Turk break down laughing.)

Turk: HA! Look at the glasses! Look at the mouthpiece!

Laverne: (to Dr. Cox) Dr. Turk is not aware the Lonnie was All-Conference at Villanova.

Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me?

Laverne: Jesus?

Dr. Cox: That's him. Let's go!

Turk: Check ball.

(Cut to ICU.)

Carla: Lisa, why did you order 100 units of insulin for Mrs. Best?

Lisa: No, that's only 10 units. I just put a smiley face after the zero.

Carla: Look, Lisa, you have to be crystal clear with your medical orders.

(Mrs. Best goes into a seizure.)

Carla: OK, it's causing a bit of a seizure. Hey, Janitor! Come here, would you hold her legs down, please!

(Janitor runs up to the bed and hold's Mrs. Best's legs.)

Janitor's Thoughts: This is it. I'm in the show! Dr. Jan Itor!

Carla: I'll give her an amp of E 50.

Janitor: This is easy. It's just like drowning someone.

Carla: OK, you can let her legs go now, I think we're good.

Janitor: I didn't see the demon leave the body.

Carla: I'm sure it did. Hey, Janitor, good job.

Janitor: Good job.

(Janitor exits.)

Lisa: Dr. Reid will kill me when she finds out about this.

Carla: Relax, I'll go talk to Dr. Reid. It won't be a big deal.

(Cut to hallway.)

Elliot: What?! Oh, I'm gonna make someone burn for this. Who did it, Carla?

Carla: [speechless]

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Janitor: I guess I just never knew how much I picked up just from working here, you know? I heard her yell "hold this woman's legs down!" And instinctively, I just -- I knew what to do.

Laverne: Good for you. Now I have to go meet my husband at the bus station and pretend to be a street walker.

Janitor: Enjoy your date night!

(Laverne exits.)

Janitor's Thoughts: OK, Mr. Cool-Guy. You had your moment of glory, no need to make a big deal out of it.

Janitor: Hey!

(an orderly freezes in the hallway.)

Janitor: Slow down, buddy, what's the hurry? Come here. I'm gonna tell you a little story about a hero.

Janitor's Thoughts: You know what? The hell with it. It feels good to get a little attention.

(Cut to parking lot. Turk and Todd are playing basketball against Lonnie and Dr. Cox. Lonnie fakes past Turk, dunks the ball and draws a foul from Turk.)

Janitor's Narration: I'll tell you one thing. It's sure beats falling flat on your ass...

Dr. Cox: Holy Moley! That'd be really embarrassing if you were black! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Turk: Great.

(Cut to hallway.)

Elliot: Seriously, Carla, I need to know who's responsible for this.

Janitor's Narration: ...Or lying to cover someone's ass.

Carla: I don't know. It was just a clerical error. There's no way to trace it.

(Cut to another hallway.)

Janitor: Was I brave? Brave is a strong word. Perhaps the word is valiant. Off you go.

Janitor's Narration: Anyway, for once I didn't feel like a jerk.

Nurse: Is he still talking about holding that patient's legs?

Doctor: Oh, give him a break. You know how hard it is to come here and bust our humps every day? Imagine how hard it is to come here knowing you don't make a difference.

Scene 3

Open: Mr. McNair's room. Janitor uses a cordless electric drill to spin spaghetti around a fork.

Janitor: [singing] Drill fork. It's a drill and fork. Mostly fork. [normally] You know what, I don't care what those people said. I know I make a difference around here.

(Cut to Nurses' Station. A pregnant nurse walks past.)

Doctor: Hey, Jill.

(Cut to Mr. McNair's room.)

Janitor: They don't know how different it would be if I wasn't here.

(Cut to Janitor's fantasy: Nurses' Station. The same nurse walks past, only she is not pregnant.)

Doctor: Hey, Jill.

(End fantasy.)

Janitor: Yup. A lot of lives would change. In fact, I'm gonna prove that to them right now. I am going to fix your computer. I've just gotta go get my real tools. I've turned all of these into eating utensils. Dig in.

(Janitor exits Mr. McNair's room.)

Dr. Kelso: Do you know what time it is?

Janitor's Thoughts: 4:15.

Janitor: 3:30.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank goodness, I thought I was running late.

Janitor's Thoughts: I do love to lie.

(Cut to ICU. Elliot speaks to the interns.)

Elliot: Look at my face. Keith, what does it mean when I'm frowning?

Keith: That you're feeling insecure and you're suspicious that I think someone on television is prettier than you.

Elliot: At work, Keith.

Keith: Ah--t--

Elliot: Well, Keith was half-right. This face does mean that I am suspicious. I was reviewing the medical records and I realized that Mrs. Best received an inordinate amount of insulin and I wanna know who screwed up.

Carla: Elliot?

(Elliot goes over to Carla.)

Carla: You're wasting your time, you know how interns stick together. They're never going to rat each other out.

Elliot: What you're forgetting, Carla, is that I am sleeping with one of those interns. Now seeing that I've already gotten Keith to pee sitting down so that there's absolutely no chance of seat splatter, I'm betting that I'm probably going to be able to get them to talk. Keith! Meet me in the cafe in half an hour.

(Elliot exits.)

Carla: Keith, you better not tell her who did it.

Keith: But Elliot scares me.

Carla: Elliot is a blonde, 108-pound ski-pole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut. I am an underpaid, pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fatter and angrier. Now who are you really afraid of?

Keith: The fatty.

Carla: Be careful, Keith.

(Cut to parking lot. Carla is in the passenger seat of a minivan.)

Carla: Oh, I love it. And you know, they say it's the safest thing we can do for our baby. Can we get it?

(Turk is in the driver seat, wearing a hoodie covering most of his head and sunglasses.)

Turk: No. No, no, no, let's get back before someone sees it, matter of fact, get down! Scoot down!

(Dr. Cox knocks on the window.)

Carla: Hey!

(Carla presses buttons on her console which open both sliding doors, the tailgate and the windows.

Dr. Cox: Hello, that's a nice ride, huh, Dexter?

(Dr. Cox beeps the horn.)

Dr. Cox: I hate to bother you, but, uh, could you explain to me one more time, what's it like to be a young, hip, black guy?

Turk: [ghetto accent] See, Dr. Cox, what I'ma do, is we gonn' pimp dis out. We gonn' throw some 22's on it, put some spinners on the 22's...

Carla: [interrupting] Oh! And a DVD player so the kids can watch Elmo!

Turk: You're killing me, woman.

Janitor's Narration: Sometimes around here, it feels like humiliation is contagious.

Dr. Cox: Whoo!

(Cut to Mr. McNair's room. Janitor shows Mr. McNair his computer, which is smashed up, wrapped up in duct tape and missing the screen.)

Janitor: Mr. McNair, I didn't exactly fix your computer. I think I might have voided your warranty.

(Cut to cafeteria)

Keith: Elliot, I am not going to tell you who messed up with Mrs. Best.

Elliot: Ah, no problem. I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee. Oh, and introduce you to my mom.

Mrs. Reid: Ha, "mom." That makes me sound so old. I had C-sections with all my kids, so everything is as it was down there.

Keith: Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Reid.

Mrs. Reid: You and Elliot would have such cute babies. I keep telling her, she's only got five more years to pop one out. Have you ever seen chubby Elliot?

Keith: Uh, no.

Mrs. Reid: Well, if you want to see it, just break up with her and wait a couple of weeks. When she's depressed, she hits a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds at the bottom.

Elliot: Hmm, love you too, Mom.

(Mrs. Reid's cell phone rings.)

Mrs. Reid: Ah! That's your dad. [on phone] How'd you get this number?

(Mrs. Reid exits.)

Elliot: You like her? Because if you don't tell me which intern screwed up, I'm going to beg her to move here.

Keith: She's just a little weird, Elliot. I can handle weird.

(Mrs. Reid enters and kisses Keith on the neck.)

Mrs. Reid: I'm sorry, the light just hit you so perfectly. I had to have a taste. [on phone] No, not you.

(Mrs. Reid exits.)

Keith: It was Lisa. I would have told you earlier, but someone told me not to.

Elliot: Who told you not to?

(Cut to hallway.)

Carla: Baby, you're not really bothered by what Dr. Cox said, are you? You know you're my black prince!

Turk: Baby, that's not it. I know I'm black, I'm reminded all the time. Patient doesn't want a black doctor, people think I know the score to every NBA game, and I told you what happened last week, when the new board member met the surgical staff.

(Flashback. The surgeons are in a line as the board member greets each of them.)

Board Member: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. [to Turk] Hey, what up, dog? Nice to meet you.

(End flashback.)

Turk: It's not even about that. It's about the nursery. It's about that stupid minivan. I don't know if you know this, but overnight I went from Chris Turk Stud to Grandpa Turk. The guy who wears overalls and does embarrassing dances at cookouts.

Carla: you do that now.

Turk: But in a cool way.

(Cut to Mr. McNair's room. Dr. Kelso enters.)

Dr. Kelso: Hey. Thanks to your telling me the wrong time prank, I was 45 minutes late for my oriental massage. Which meant that instead of Pang Wa, I had to settle for Qing Lao.

Janitor: So?

Dr. Kelso: Qing Lao is A DUDE! You know, I've accepted the fact that you're useless around here. Maybe you should try a little harder and not make things worse.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)'

Janitor: See you know he doesn't get, is that I could have been a janitor anywhere. When I got out of college, I had offers, man. Morgan Stanley, DuPont. I even considered taking a year off and cleaning my way across Europe. But no, I chose a hospital. And I'm no kidding myself. I know I don't have the most important job in the world, but I work in a place that helps people, and I always thought that I was part of that. Who cares?

(Cut to ICU.)

Elliot: Have you seen Carla?

Dr. Cox: Nope. My turn. Have ever seen how stupid you look when you do your angry-quick walk?

(Dr. Cox imitates Elliot walking angrily and blowing bangs out of his face.)

Elliot: Carla covered for one of my interns and then lied to my face about it.

Dr. Cox: Come on. Of course she did. If an intern got hammered by their attending and stripped what little self-confidence they have every time they messed up, there wouldn't be any interns left. And lucky for everyone in this dump, Carla happens to have been here long enough to identify when someone needs to be protected.

Elliot: These kids need to start standing on their own...

Dr. Cox: [interrupting] You got that right sister, because you definitely got where you are all on your own.

Elliot: Well you sure as hell didn't give me any help.

Dr. Cox: I didn't say I did.

(Dr. Cox exits. Elliot continues to the ICU, then has a flashback. She is an intern again.)

Carla: It's OK, really. It's not a big deal.

Elliot: Dr. Cox is going to kill me.

Carla: Well, Dr. Cox doesn't have to find out. Just promise me that you're going to practice repositioning just once.

Elliot: I promise.

Carla: OK.

(End flashback. Cut to doctor's lounge.)

Carla: Turk, I get it. Having a baby changes things.

Turk: I just don't want to say goodbye to the life we have now, you know?

Carla: Baby, you don't have to. We'll still have fun. Go to bars, go dancing.

Turk: Really?

Carla: No. We'll have a baby, that would be crazy. Just focus on the positives. For instance, we'll still have lots of sex.

Turk: Really?

Carla: No! But I can tell you that this is normal. You'll get through it.

Turk: Come to think of it, what would really help me get through it...

(Turk and Carla glance around and giggle. Carla climbs on top of Turk, then stops.)'

Carla: Man you're gullible today.

(Carla exits. Cut to Mr. McNair's room.)

Janitor: Well, Mr. McNair, hope you didn't mind me hanging out all day talking to you. I don't think you do mind. I've got a seventh sense about that sort of thing. My sixth sense is I can tell when squirrels are afraid. Anyway, I know you lost your computer and I thought maybe you were a little bit lonely. I've been lonely around here a couple times. I don't know. I just hope I helped.

(Dr. Cox enters. Janitor pretends to be cleaning.)

Dr. Cox: Nobody's buying it. Here we go, your new computer is finally here, sorry it took so long.

Janitor: What time is it?

Dr. Cox: Uh, 6:00.

(Janitor exits in a hurry. Cut to the water tower. Janitor opens a door and J.D. is flushed out.)


Janitor: How was your day?

J.D.: Cold.

Janitor's Thoughts: Now help him up so he thinks there's hope for our relationship yet.

(Janitor helps J.D. up and pats him on the shoulder.)

J.D.'s Narration: Even though the Janitor had basically kidnapped me, when he helped me up, I couldn't help but feel there was hope for our relationship yet. I guess being locked up all day really make you appreciate the things that really matter...

(Cut to ICU.)

Elliot: Hey, did I ever thank you for all the help you've given me over the years?

Carla: Don't sweat it.

J.D's Narration: ...Like the support of a friend...

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk is looking at himself in the mirror wearing a baby harness on his chest with a doll in it.)

Turk: What up, dawg? Yeah, you know I'm down to play ball, I just gotta drop Junior off with the old lady at the ducky park. Yeah. Yeah, then we gonn' hoop it up. [pause] Hey, you know what, this isn't gonna work. I can't, I can't.

(Turk frantically removes the harness. Cut to Mr. McNair's room. Dr. Cox finishes setting up the computer.)

Dr. Cox: And there you go, Mr. McNair.

Mr. McNair: Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Don't mention it.

Mr. McNair: I wasn't talking to you.

(Mr. McNair looks at the Janitor outside the window.)



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